CHAPTER 9

Johnny rose before the sun and headed back to the brook. Sitting on the side of the brook he was able to watch the sun rise over the mountains. As it rose higher into the sky he began to think of the Robert Frost poem Nothing Gold Can Stay.

He remembered reading it in grade school. His mother's teachings of the Lakota solidified his love of the poem. It was a short powerful poem. It had struck a cord with Johnny. As the sun rose higher into the sky he was reminded of the final line "nothing gold can stay."

"Nature's first green is gold,

Her hardest hue to hold.

Her early leaf's a flower;

but only so an hour.

Then leaf subsides to leaf.

So Eden sank to grief,

So dawn goes down to day.

Nothing gold can stay.

(By Robert Frost)

Looking back at his life he realized this poem could just as easily have been about his life. He thought about the poem as it described the colors of the sky and how it changed from its earliest color of gold to the finality of grief because as the title said nothing gold can stay.

For him the golden years were the ones spent with his mom and dad. It wasn't long and he didn't really remember them but when he did remember that time it was with a sense of peace.

Then came the years with just him and his mom. They weren't as peaceful but they were better than what was to come. His Eden. His golden hour came to an end with the coming of Strongbow.

He had known hard times and had understood as much as a four year old could about grief. But Strongbow brought a whole new set of problems, tensions and grief. These were the years filled with pain, confusion and fear. It was then he learned to hide how he felt. He learned to lie or make up stories about the bruises. It was then he truly understood what fear was…fear was the night Strongbow killed his mother in a drunken rage and then killed himself. Fear was seeing his mother's body in a pool of blood with a blanket thrown across her. He learned what it meant to fear for his life as Strongbow had looked for him before he had killed himself.

51

Hank and Emily made the final preparations for the barbecue. They were looking forward to having all of the families together. It was important to Hank to be there for his men. He felt better after talking to the Chief. It had given him some perspective. But he wanted to make sure his men understood he was really there for them. He had had very few experiences in the fire service where he felt his Captain understood and was there for him. He wanted to be different. He wanted to be the Captain he had wanted, the Captain these men deserved.

"Em, have I told you that I love you?" Hank smiled as he watched Emily place the last of the condiments on the tables. The backyard had been turned into a party. Now it only needed the guest to arrive.

Emily looked up into the eyes of her beloved husband. "Yes, but you can tell me again. I never tire of hearing it."

"You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I thank God every day for you. I love you. Thank you for all your hard work and for what you have done for my men."

"They are my family as well. They keep you safe, same as you do for them. And Mr. Henry Stanley, you were the best thing to ever happen to me. You were my knight in shining armor. (just a hint of sarcasm noted) Seriously, I couldn't have dreamed of a better life than the one I have spent with you." They hugged and with a final kiss she continued on, "Now let's get this party started and have a little fun. Have you tried to call Johnny lately."

Hank shook his head and looked at the ground. "Yeah, about 15 minutes ago. Still no answer at his home. I hope he is alright. Em he's just so damn…he was so quiet. He didn't talk to me and from what I could tell he didn't talk to Roy either. I just would hate to see something happen to him. I hope he gets my messages and shows up here or at least gives me a call. Otherwise, I guess I will just have to wait until morning and pray he shows up to work."

Emily knew this weighed heavy on her husband's shoulders. He had talked about how the other men were seemingly doing fine. But Johnny was elusive. He wasn't certain how the young medic was doing and it was slowly but surly driving him mad. She too said a prayer for all of his men and an extra prayer for Johnny. Experience had taught her how tight these men were and how they pulled together if one of them got hurt. But if that someone was Johnny, there was an added intensity to the situation.

51

Roy and Joanne had the kids packed and ready to go. He had tried to call Johnny again but still received no reply. He left a message and prayed his friend was okay. Joanne had watched as Roy became increasingly distraught over his concern for Johnny.

"Roy, why don't we stop at Johnny's on the way? Maybe he'll be home by then and we can take him with us to the party. What do you say?"

Both of the kids heard her and cheered for Uncle Johnny. "Dad, can we…can we go get Uncle Johnny?" "Yeah dad let's get Uncle Johnny!"

Roy rolled his eyes. "Sure we can run by but guys, I don't know if he's even home. If he is we'll try to drag him to the party."

Joanne watched as the smile grew across her husband's face. She was pleased to see it and hoped Johnny would be home. She understood only seeing Johnny with his own two eyes would settle her husband down.

51

When they arrived at Johnny's they didn't see his Land Rover in the drive. But what they did see were Mike, Marco and Chet.

Mike laughed as Roy pulled up. "Looks like great minds think alike."

Roy laughed also. "Yeah but how does that explain Chet being here?" Even Chet grinned at the remark. "Seriously, no sign of Johnny?"

"Nope. We talked to his landlady. She has seen him since yesterday morning when he got home from work." Marco wasn't happy about that but he knew it wasn't unusual for Johnny to take off either.

"Maybe he's already headed to Cap's. I'm sure if he heard there would be food, he'd be there."

All of the men laughed. Johnny has a ferocious appetite not to be matched by anyone on the crew.

"Well Chet, then I guess we better get over to Cap's and see."

They headed as a small caravan to the Stanley residence. When they arrived and told Cap what had happened they all laughed.

51

The barbecue was to be a celebration of life. It was to reaffirm their friendship and give them a chance to relax. Everyone was having a good time but there was a piece missing. Throughout the course of the evening the men continued to listen for the phone to ring and looked to the gate to see if Johnny was going to walk in.

After dinner the men sat around and talked while the women were inside the house chatting away. The kids played in the backyard and all was great. All except for their missing man.

Slowly the conversation turned to their last shift. They talked in detail about how they felt and how they had been dealing with everything. Then the conversation turned again. This time it turned to Johnny.

Each of the men was upset at not having sought out their friend after the call was over. Looking back they now realized that Johnny had not only, not participated in the meeting with the Chief and Brackett but had disappeared when they had sat and talked afterwards.

"You know he never even said goodbye in the morning." Chet sat with his hands together and his arms leaning on his knees. He looked up before he continued. "I have been more worried about him since he left than I was upset about the call. Danny and I talked for a few hours and it helped me a lot. Even Danny said I should be worried about Gage. It's just not right that a guy that can talk non-stop didn't have anything to say."

The others joined him in his concern. None of them had an answer and from the looks of things they weren't going to get one tonight.

51

Kel was once again sitting on his back porch. He had watched the sun set and now was enjoying the peace and quiet. It had been an easy day at work. Well, as easy as it can be working in the ER. He hadn't had any more time to think about his friends. He and Dixie had shared lunch but it was quick and they didn't get a chance to talk.

A knock at the door brought him back to the present. He waited and listened again to make sure he had really heard it. Putting his glass of beer down on the table he went to answer the door. He was a little perplexed as to who it could be. He hadn't expected company.

Opening the door he was caught by surprise. "Hi Kel, can we talk."

"Sure…come on in. Do you want something to drink?"

"Just ice water please. I think I need to be sober for this conversation."

Johnny was the last person he expected to see standing on his porch. He looked at his friend, who although apprehensive didn't appear to be in trouble. "Let me get you that water. We can talk on the back porch. That's where I was when you knocked."

"Thanks…the cover of darkness may not be such a bad thing anyway." Johnny didn't wait for a reply. He slowly made his way to the porch. He and Dr. Brackett had been friends now for a while. They had started out as adversaries and now Johnny considered Kel a good friend.

51

Kel got the glass of water and made a pitcher to take with him along with an extra glass for himself. He didn't think tonight would be a drink and talk kind of night. When Kel approached the porch he watched as Johnny leaned on the railing. He looked tense. Kel hoped he would be able to help his friend.

"Not many stars out tonight."

"No there sure isn't Johnny. But I don't think you came here at 9 o'clock at night to talk about the weather and lack of stars. So what gives friend?"

With great care Johnny turned to face his friend. He wasn't sure how he should start this but he knew it needed to be done. He couldn't go back to 51's otherwise.

"I went camping yesterday. I drove straight here when I came back. You would have loved it. It was clear last night with lots of stars." Johnny stopped there and looked around.

"John have a seat. Let's talk. Where did you go?" Kel understood his friend. He would talk about nonessential things until he worked up the courage to tell him what was really on his mind. Kel knew not to push; Johnny would talk in his own time.

"Thanks." He took a seat and grabbed a glass of water. "After that call the other night I needed to find a little peace. I went to a spot I know and started a fast. I sat by this great little brook and mediated well into the night. I came to a decision and I wanted to come here and tell you about it. I didn't want to write it down. You are the only one I can talk to, I hope you'll understand."

"John, whatever it is we'll get you through it."

"Of that I have no doubt. But your idea of getting through and mine may be different. I've made a decision about my life. I can't keep going on like this…"

51

By 9:30 the men and their families were all headed home. Johnny hadn't shown. But Hank still considered the night a success. He would have to wait to see Johnny in the morning. He tried to call his house one more time but did not have any success.

Hank prepared himself for a long day the next day. They had all been through a lot. He just wanted to make certain they were all healing.

51