A/N: This takes place in the same Demon!Winchesters 'verse as The Culling of the Herd and Dean Winchester's Theory of Relativity. Thought about putting this under crossover. Then changed my mind. I've got pop culture references all through this thing. All dialogue. I blame my muse.
If you haven't read either Culling or Theory, this is all you need to know: It's crack. Dean, John and Sam Winchester are evil in this 'verse. The entire world is their playground.
Summary: Sam Winchester is having problems with his new girlfriend, Poison Ivy. Big brother Dean is only too happy to help. One shot AU.
Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural (or Batman). This is for entertainment purposes only, not profit.
"Uh, so…how are you?"
"Cut the crap, Sam and get to the point. What's wrong?"
"Oh, yeah? Don't try to con a con man, Samantha. I can hear it in your voice. You and Ivy working out okay? Dude, Ava's still real pissed that you dumped her."
"Can I come over and stay at your place tonight?"
"Why are you whispering? Hell no. I got plans. Dad's got me mapping out the attack strategy on Walt Disney World in Florida. After that Jean Grey's coming over to spend the night. You remember Jean? Bayville High? She's Dark Phoenix now."
"Well, I… Ow! Ivy, stop hitting me with that potted plant!"
"Bro', you are whipped! What's up?"
"Ivy wants to go Hollywood."
"So she's gonna kick Uma Thurman's ass for playing her in Batman and Robin? Finally. What took her so damn long?"
"That's not it. She wants to remake a movie."
"A movie, huh?"
"Shit. Put that crazy bitch on the phone."
"First off, I want you to stop hitting Sam. RIGHT THE HELL NOW. I got pesticide and I'm not afraid to come over there and go medieval on your leafy ass."
"All right. Oooh, Deanie, I get all tingly when you get macho like that."
"You're not my type, sweetheart. Not now, not ever. Now what's this about you wanting to remake 'The Happening'?"
"I think it's a good idea."
"A good idea? Have you even seen 'The Happening'?"
"Figures. M Night wasn't exactly hittin' on all eight cylinders with that one, lemme tell you. The stunts were decent enough, but after that? I felt like sending Mark Wahlberg a get well card. The wind blowing invisible killer pollen through the trees and the tall grass in the fields. Oooh! Scary!"
"I hate you."
"You love me. Now if you really wanna show the earth kicking ass, why don't you remake 'Day of the Triffids'? Nothing says pissed off Mother Nature better than an eight foot tall killer plant on the rampage. Industrial Light and Magic could do the special effects. I see Will Smith in the lead. Or maybe Vin Diesel with Michelle Rodriguez. Or Samuel L Jackson and Bruce Willis. With Megan Fox."
"You…you really think so?"
"Hell yeah. Tell you what. My Dad's got contacts at Warner Brothers and Twentieth Century Fox. Might even get that hack Kripke to write the script. McG could direct. Call me in a couple of days and we'll set something up. I gotta go down to Florida and raise a little hell, but I'll be back in two days."
"Okay. I don't know about Kripke, though. You gonna help me write the script?"
"Yeah. What the hell. You, me, and Sam. Now put Sammy back on will ya?"
"Hello? Dean? Dude, what did you tell her? She's purring like a kitten, rubbing all up against me…oh. Oh. I think I'm gonna get lucky tonight."
"Go get her, tiger. Anytime you need your awesome big brother's advice, give me a call. And if it doesn't work out for ya, come on over here. Jean does a bit like Dr. Manhattan in Watchmen. Multiple hands, multiple everything. She's my kinda woman…"
Six months later:
"And how are my fine group of triffids doing today?"
"Just fine, Mama Ivy."
"Oh, your leaves are looking really healthy. Nice and green. Big stingers, too. My big good boys. You know what today is, don't you?"
"Yep! Today's the day we got that audition at Warner Brothers. Dean arranged it for us. He's even gonna give us a ride out there and back. Told us not to eat anybody, not even a script boy, or a studio suit. I'm going for it. We all are!"
"Well, today I'm supposed to pollinate you, so that you can have babies. You'd like that, wouldn't you, Bob?"
"Babies? No. After this Dean got me an audition for a 50 Cent video."
"Nope! I wanna carry Megan Fox in my tendrils."
"Uh uh. I wanna meet Will Smith and Vin Diesel. And I've been writing a script of my own."
"But…but…wouldn't you like to be fruitful and multiply? Overrun the world??"
"What, and give up show business?"
A/N: If you read this, I appreciate it. Now I gotta go up my medication.