I need to stop having random thoughts in the bathroom! I mean, really, how many random stories have been inspired by me being in that room?
Fang: Including this one...Four, I think. Story of Justin, Ninja Fang, and Fanfiction Meets YouTube.
Me: Thank you, Fang. You're like my personal secretary.
Fang: So....Does that mean I get paid?
Fang: My own office?
Me: Ha, ha, no.
I Am Running Out of Creative Ways To Say 'Disclaimer'. Damn.........Blame the Monkey!!: I do not own Maximum Ride or any characters affiliated with it. (Damn.) Don't own Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, either. Don't own Gimli the Dwarf, but that has nothing to do with this story. I also do not own the phrase 'Blame the Monkey!!' Some kid named Chad yelled that out on the bus back in elementary school, and I still haven't forgotten it!
Fang: What monkey?
Me: A Pygmy Marmoset!
Once upon a time, in a land Far, far away (depending on where you live in the world, that is. If you're anywhere near Colorado, maybe not so far.), there lived a man named Jeb Batchelder. Jeb lived in a house shaped like an 'E' with his six adopted children, Max, Fang, Iggy, Nudge, Gazzy, and Angel. But, I bet you people already knew that, huh?
Today, though, you will be told a story very few know. Today, you will hear the story of the true reason Jeb abandoned his adoptive children, the Flock.
Jeb was not just some crazed, mad scientist. Jeb had a hand in magic as well. You see, Jeb was a very vain person and one day, he discovered that a witch (Or, he thought she was a witch. She danced funny, at least.), who wandered the woods in Northern California and above had a magic mirror. Taking the most fearsome Erasers he had, he went after the witch and captured the magic mirror. The witch, furious, placed a curse upon the ignorant, vain scientist.
"You steal my mirror for vanity, so your attempt to steal it will be in vain! This mirror will bring you nothing but contempt and heartache. Jealousy will be your most sinister friend, should you gaze into my mirror. And you will never be able to eat eggplant again!" And with that, the witch disappeared into a puff of smoke.
Jeb, who did not believe in curses, took the mirror home and gazed into it.
"Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the sexist of them all?"
"You are, of course, Dr. Batchelder." The mirror replied.
And from that moment on, Jeb used his magic mirror every day to reassure himself he was the sexiest and inflate his ego daily. When he adopted the Flock, he kept the mirror a secret from them, mainly because he was afraid Iggy or Gazzy would break it. He enjoyed his mirror greatly, and found that the only thing true in the witch's curse was that he was never able to eat eggplant after that day. He found that it suddenly tasted like dirty socks.
Every morning, Jeb would rise from his bed and head straight for the bathroom, where he hung his magic mirror.
"Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the sexiest of them all?" He would ask it.
"You, Jebby!" The mirror would reply. "Right after you trim your sexy mustachio, of course!"
And Jeb would trim his mustachio and go about his day, pleased that he was still the sexiest.
But then, after years had passed, Jeb rose from his bed and entered his bathroom, just as he always did. But today, when he asked his question, something went wrong.
"Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the sexiest of them all?"
"Errrr.......Well, Jebby, Baby....."
Jeb dropped his toothbrush in the sink. "Mirror? What's wrong?"
"Jeb, you know, maybe you should....try a new word! You know, you're getting a bit more.....mature every day! How about 'most dashing'? Or 'most handsome'?"
Jeb shook his head. "No. I'm the sexiest, and that is the only thing I want to hear. So, Mirror, who is the sexiest of them all?"
"This isn't gonna be pretty..." The Mirror muttered.
"What is it?!" Jeb asked, concerned.
"Well, you know Jeb, you are quite the sexy beast, of course. Especially with that mustachio, which needs a little trim on the left, by the way."
Jeb quickly trimmed his mustachio, then motioned for the mirror to continue.
"But....You know, everyone gets older. You get older, I get older, your Flock family gets older...."
"I'm getting older as you speak!" Jeb spat. "Just get to the point!"
"Ok, ok!" The mirror said. "I was trying to let you down easy, but if you want blunt, you can have blunt. Your sexyness has been usurped."
"WHAT?!" Jeb yelled. "Who is the usurper??"
"None other than one of your own household." The mirror replied. "For Fang is now the sexiest of them all."
"He can't be!" Jeb exclaimed. "He's just a boy!"
"He's getting older..." Countered the mirror.
"But what about my mustachio!" Jeb whined. "Fang doesn't have a mustachio!"
"No, but Fang has his flowing black hair." The mirror said. "Very sexy. Oh, and the whole 'tall, dark, and silent' thing's totally in these days."
"I cannot allow this to happen!" Jeb exclaimed, slamming his fist against the sink. "Not in my own house! Fang must be stopped!"
There was a knocking on thr bathroom door. "Uhh...Jeb? You okay in there?" Max's voiced asked from the other side. "It sounded like you were yelling and Fang and I got worried."
"Oh, sure." Jeb thought. "I bet he's sooo worried..." "I'm fine, Max." He replied. "Just...stubbed my toe."
As soon as Max left, Jeb turned to the mirror. "I will stop him. I must stop him! Only one can be the sexiest of them all, and it will be me!!"
I'm sure this part of the story is well known. Jeb left the Flock to fend for themselves. He teamed back up with the School, saying he would help with the whole 'Save the World' deal. Of course, he really had another motive: take out Fang. As he helped with Max's tests, he tried to send his Erasers after his true target. He'd had many close calls, such as when Ari sliced Fang's side open. But, blast it all, he survived.
The worst part was Max's growing attraction for Fang. Jeb felt betrayed. Max was his daughter, but she was almost literally flirting with the enemy! Of course, it was more like the enemy was flirting with her, pissing Jeb off more. How dare Fang use his sexy charm on Jeb's own daughter!
In an attempt to keep Fang and Max apart, Jeb came back into their lives, trying to act like he was on their side. Unfortunately, Max did not believe him and soon became Fang's girlfriend.
"Blast him!!" Jeb yelled one day as he trimmed his mustachio. "If I am to defeat him, I will need help!"
"I have an idea for you." His mirror replied. "Go into the woods and search until you find a wigwam. There, you will find a small man claiming to be a hobbit. He will be cooking at a campfire with his penguin friend. Ask them to help you."
So Jeb travelled deep into the woods and soon came upon a wigwam. Outside, a small man and a penguin roasted some kind of random animal over a fire.
"Excuse me?" Jeb called. "Are you a hobbit?"
"I am." Replied the little man. "I'm The Hobbit Named Spiffy. And this is my friend, Pooky the Penguin." The penguin took a bow. "What is it that you want?"
"I need your help." Jeb said. "My magic mirror said you may be able to help me take out my enemy."
"Who is your enemy?" Asked Pooky.
"His name is Fang."
"Fang?" Asked Spiffy. "You mean the bird-kid, Fang? The tall, dark, and silent one?
"The one with the flowing black hair?" Pooky added.
"Yes, yes." Jeb replied. "Just tell me what to do to take him out!"
"Hold on." Spiffy said, going into the wigwam. After a while, he returned, holding a bright red apple. "Have Fang take a bite of this apple. The apple is poisonous. Within seconds, you will have no rival. Only a beautiful corpse."
Jeb laughed manicially as he took the apple. "Pwahahaha!!
Pooky shook his head. "No, it's 'Mwahahahaha!!!"
"Mwahahaha!!" Spiffy repeated for him.
"Oh, nevermind. Just go feed the bird-kid."
As Jeb left the small camp, a hooded figure emerged from the wigwam.
"Did you give him the apple?" asked the Witch.
"Yes, my lady." Spiffy answered.
Jeb returned to the Martinez's house, where the Flock was staying. He found his soon-to-be victim in the kitchen.
"Fang! How are you?"
Fang, who was ever so slightly freaked-out by Jeb's sudden friendliness, stared at him. "Fine..."
"Fang, I bought some apples down at the Farmer's Market today." Jeb held up a bag of apples he'd bought at Wal-Mart on the way there, to help with his whole 'Oh, yeah, Fang just kind of choked on a random apple' farce. He held up the actual Apple of Doom. "Want to try one?"
Fang was still a bit wary. "Where is there a Farmer's Market around here?"
"At the park!"
"I've never seen one..."
"They only have it once a year." Jeb answered. "For an hour. It's tradition."
Fang stared at the bag. "Does Wal-Mart have a stand at the One-Hour Farmer's Market?"
Jeb looked at the bag and held back a growl of frustration when he saw the Wal-Mart happy face. "No, they just used Wal-Mart bags to put stuff in. So, you want an apple?"
Fang was still obviously not totally buying it. "Do apples even grow around here?"
"Why do you ask?"
"Well, at Farmer's Markets, they usually seel things that people from that particular area have grown or made, and I don't know how many apple trees are around here. I guess it's possible, but it seems like if someone was growing that many apples, I'd have seen an orchard or-"
"Fang, come on. That was always your problem. You over-analyze. Now, come on! Have an apple!"
"I thought my problem was that I was too quiet."
"Fang, eat the apple!" Jeb said, putting the apple into Fang's hands. "I bought it for you guys to eat, not to analyze!"
Fang, seeing that Jeb was getting agitated, decided to humor him. He didn't exactly trust the guy, especially when his creepy mustache twitched like it was at that moment. He didn't want to be the one to cause the crazy old scientist to finally snap and start running around with a sawed-off shotgun, like those creepy guys at work do.
Fang took a bite of the apple.
Fang swallowed and made a face. "I think there's something wrong with your apples. Maybe they were out for one hour too long. They taste funny."
"Oh?" Jeb said, watching Fang intently.
Fang was creeped-out all over again by Jeb's staring. "I'm gonna go....watch T.V."
Jeb looked suddenly disappointed. "Of course...."
Fang started to leave the kitchen, still holding the apple, which he intended to throw in the trash on his way out. But suddenly, he stopped, putting a hand to his forehead. The room had suddenly started to tilt in his vision. He put his hand on the wall to support himself. "A-actually, I might go lie-"
Before he could get the rest of his sentence out, he fell to the floor. Silent.
Jeb watched this entire episode in wonder. Then, he did his happy dance around the kitchen.
"Jeb is the sexiest! Jeb is the sexiest of them all!" He sang. "His mustachio beats them all, for he is the sexiest of them all!"
As soon as he was able to compose himself and act like he was actually concerned, he rushed outside. "Max! Valencia!" He caught Valencia by the arm. "You have to come inside! Something's wrong with Fang!"
That day had been a very depressing day, even for Jeb, who didn't like seeing his daughter cry so much. Dr. Martinez had already jumped to the conclusion that Fang had choked, but when she'd checked his throat and found nothing, she began to think something was up. Jeb quickly mentioned that Fang had said the apple tasted funny, which, of course, was no lie, which made Jeb feel better about saying it. Dr. Martinez made plans to call her lawyer and sue Wal-Mart when appropriate.
But it wasn't appropriate now. For the Flock was in mourning over the loss of their second-in-command. They put him on the couch, planning to start some kind of funeral preparations the next day. While the Flock slept fitfully, or even not at all, keeping vigil over Fang's body, Jeb slept peacefully. He awoke refreshed and entered the bathroom, ready to resume his old ritual with his mirror.
"Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the sexiest of them all?"
The mirror sighed. "Jeb, why don't you give up? How about you stop worrying about being the sexiest and start looking at the inside instead of the out? Try being a better person instead of a sexy, shallow one!"
Jeb laughed. "Very funny, Mirror! Now, who's the sexiest?"
"Promise not to kill me?" The mirror said meekly.
"Well, even lying silently in state as he is now, Fang's sexyness has yet to be diminished."
"Well, he's still sexy. He's just, well, not that lively...."
Jeb grabbed his mustachio trimmer angrily. "I'll slash up his sexy face! Then I will be the sexiest!!"
"Well....." The mirror started.
"You're.....not second in line...."
"Then who is?"
"ARGH!!!!!!!" Jeb yelled, running out of the bathroom. He ran down the hall, screaming madly. He soon ran through the living room, where the tear-stained-faced Flock was.
"Jeb?" Max called, but he didn't listen. He ran out of the house and down the road.
He ran and ran until he made it to a cliff. There, he stopped at the top.
"I MAY NOT BE THE SEXIEST, BUT I WILL ALWAYS HAVE THE SEXIEST MUSTACHIO!!!" And with that, he trimmed his mustachio one last time, and then, jumped to his death.
Meanwhile, back at the house, the Flock was now both depressed and confused. Suddenly, a strange, black-cloaked person appeared in a puff of smoke in the living room. Without a word to the poor Flock, she walked down the hall to Jeb's room and retrieved her mirror. Then, she came back to the living room.
"What's wrong, Flock?" The strange person asked.
"F-Fang. He's dead." Max sobbed.
The cloaked figure's head moved as if she was rolling her eyes. "He's not dead, you nitwits! He's out cold!" She approached him and gave him a shake. "Fang?"
He still lay there silently.
Sighing, the figure pulled a strange fish out of her cloak. A herring, to be exact. "Fear the herring!" she cried, whacking Fang with it.
Suddenly, Fang stirred. "Ow.......What smells like fish?"
The Flock cheered, glomping Fang on the couch. The cloaked figure, before she could be thanked or even asked for her name, vanished with her mirror, returning to the wigwam of Pooky and Spiffy.
"Well, that was interesting." Said the Witch.
Spiffy and Pooky nodded.
"Hey, try being me!" Said the mirror. "I had to deal with Jeb every day! I'm surprised I fit in the same bathroom as that ego of his!"
The whole group laughed. "It's good to have you back, Magic Mirror." The Witch said.
"It's good to be back, Saint." The Mirror replied, then sighed. "I do have to admit one thing, though."
"He definetely did have the sexiest mustachio in the land."
Me: -shrugs- It's fun to say.
Fang: I guess.....I'm hungry.
Me: Want an apple? -holds out apple-
Fang: No way!
Me: Aw, come on, Fang! I got it fresh from the Farmer's Market!
Fang: No!!! -runs away-
Me: -eats apple- He's so fun to mess with.....
R&R? Free apples for reviewers! Mwahahaha........