Right, I stole this idea from the MvA forum here. I really think Mansion could've written this better, but it seemed like a fun idea I'd like to write. So, as said before, I stole it. I'll probably have to edit it sometime, as I really think I could do this better, but for now, this is it.
"B.O.B. Hey! Over here! Heeeey!" Link, getting rather impatient as B.O.B. looked the wrong way, simply grabbed the jello-like mass and spun it around.
"Oh, there you are!" his, let's face it, idiot of a friend burbled, smiling in that usual vacant way.
Link sighed. Somehow he knew this was going to take a while. "Alright. B.O.B. You're listening, right? Stop staring at the ceiling." For the first time ever at their top secret location, The Talk was going to be made.
The fish-ape coughed into his hand, stalling for time. He had never made The Talk before, and he never expected to, seeing as it was pretty unlikely he would have children any time soon. What was he supposed to say? How could he explain it in simple terms and describe the…the…you-know without traumatizing the blob forever? Could the thick-gelled guy even be traumatized? God, he felt like he had been out of the water for too long…
Behind him, Dr. Cockroach urged him to continue, taking the position of Backup Talker. Hah, easy for him – he didn't have to start the awkward topic. "…B.O.B., you know what a boy and a girl is, right?"
"Sure! It's what people are!"
"…I guess that's right. But do you know the differences?" Link tried to wait patiently, though he kind of already knew his answer, as B.O.B.'s one eye darted around in thought.
"Uh, guys have these boobies, y'see, right here, and - " Link quickly cut him off mid-gesture.
"No, no, no. The ones who have boobies are girls. Get it?" B.O.B. seemed dumbfounded at this new revelation. "Alright, look, girls have breasts. Guys have other stuff I'll get into later. So, for example, Ginormica is a girl because she has breasts. Y'see?" He grinned hopefully as the blob seemed to slowly make connections. Maybe this wasn't so hard after all!
"So…are you a girl?"
Link couldn't say anything for a long time. Dr. Cockroach, on the other hand, had lots of things to say. More specifically, 'ha ha ha.'
"N-no!" he spluttered back, completely caught off guard. Why were people questioning his masculinity now?! "I'm a guy!"
"But you have boobies too, don't you?" The doctor's laugh substantially grew in volume. Link briefly pondered how he could strangle something that didn't have lungs.
"No. I don't."
"Weird, I mean, it looks like you have them, right there. And since I always thought you were a guy, I figured guys had boobies."
"It's muscle," he hissed back automatically. "Doc, help me out here!"
Trying to stifle chuckles, Dr. Cockroach replied, "Actually, I think you're doing rather splendidly." Damn him.
"They're really flat, though. D'ya have to blow them up?"
"No, no, don't you dare come any closer! Right! These, are pecs. Completely different from boobs! Stop laughing! By his old definition, you're a girl!" Good, that shut him up. The doc finally stood up and made himself useful.
"It seems, B.O.B., that you're just a bit confused about gender differentiation…" Link sat down this time and waited.
Of course, Dr. Cockroach had to make his explanation long-winded…even though his audience probably couldn't understand much of it. There were lots of words like 'genitals' and 'meiosis' and 'sex chromosomes' and 'fertilization' and stuff. The fish-ape wasn't exactly sure why he liked making complicated explanations. Maybe it made him feel special. Maybe he just was unable to explain anything without using his full arsenal of knowledge.
B.O.B., if it was possible, looked even more confused. As a defense mechanism against the torrent of confusing biology stuff, he immediately forgot most of it. "So…Susan's a girl because she has boobies, and you're a guy 'cause you have…uh…'male…geni…genesis', and Link's a guy 'cause his boobies are flat?"
"They're muscles," Link repeated tersely.
"Close enough," Dr. Cockroach said, sounding oddly cheerful.
"Then…since I don't have boobies...I'm a guy!" Immediately, both jerked their heads down at the blob's lower half. It had suddenly occurred to them that B.O.B. technically didn't have a gender, despite the very masculine voice.
"Uh," said the doctor, wondering if he should say something.
"Oh man, for the longest time, I thought I was a girl! Now that's embarrassing…"
"Er," Link added. The two men glanced at each other before simultaneously deciding to forget the whole thing. Screw The Talk. "That's right, B.O.B.!"
"Well, it looks like our conversation is done. Go on, we won't detain you any longer…" B.O.B. oozed off, shouting excitedly, "Hey, Susan! Guess what! I'm a guy!"
The doctor and the fish-ape exchanged glances again, suddenly feeling an odd sense of companionship. They had both just shared the experience of giving The Talk. To a genderless blob. It was actually kinda funny.
Link decided that if, by work of a miracle, he had kids, he'd let his wife give The damn Talk.