I often wonder how we get to certain places in our lives. I mean, when you are younger, you think that you can do whatever you want, but then you get out into the real world, and it's nothing like you thought it would be. Take me for example. I want to write. Correction, I want to get paid to write. And I want people to laugh when they read what I write. But I don't write. I sit at a computer all day, typing in information, that, in the end, doesn't really mean much. I'm not lifting anybody's spirits, and I'm not trying to find the cure for Cancer. I'm not feeding starving children or housing the homeless. I sit in my office, and for a great majority of the day, I space out. I just sit, and stare. Sometimes I think about stuff, but usually I am just totally zoned out. It's really a gigantic waste of time, but the thing is, no one knows, and if they do know, they don't care.

The same can be said for love. You never really know when it's going to hit you, or who it will be. My parents got divorced when I was 8 years old. They told me about it over Thanksgiving dinner. And if that wasn't enough to screw me up for life, they told me that they were doing it because my father was gay. I felt like they were playing the world's worst practical joke on me. So, yeah, my childhood sucked. Whose didn't? I have a friend whose Mom killed herself. And her Dad abandoned her. AND she used to live on the streets. I mean, how awful is that? But the thing is, she is totally cool. She is nowhere near as neurotic as I am. Of course, she doesn't have a gay, cross-dressing father.
Anyway, back to my love life. I thought I was in love once. She was so great. I almost lost my best friend over her.
See, he was dating her first, and, well, it just kind of happened. I mean, in my defence, he was dating someone else at the same time. It's not like he's Mr. Committment or anything. Whatever, I know I'm a jerk for doing it. But I guess I got what I deserved. I thought she was The One, until she cheated on me.
It was all for the best. Turns out, I wasn't in love. I had no idea what love even was. I thought I knew. But then, one day, it just snuck up on me. I didn't even see it coming.

The girl I'm with now is...uh, she is indescribable. We were best friends for, like, ten years before we got together. I went to college with her brother, and he and I are still best friends. But in many ways, I have always been closer to her. Even before we started dating, we told each other everything. She is really hot, and really smart and successful, but I never actually thought she'd go out with someone like me. I'm not her type. Before me, she was dating a doctor. It was actually kinda gross, he was her father's best friend. But, he was like, the coolest guy. I mean, for an old guy. Before she dated the old man doctor, she dated a billionaire. He was so in love with her. But it turned out, he was kind of a freak. I'm kind of a freak too, but I don't have a billion dollars. That doesn't seem very fair, does it?

Back to my super-hot girlfriend. We hooked up at her brother's wedding in London. We were drunk, of course, and in a foreign country. But it was fun. Lots of fun. I had no idea I could be that good at sex. We only did it that one night while in London. I mean, we did 'it' seven times, but it was only that one night. Sorry, too much information, huh? Anyway, we wanted to do it again, but her brother screwed up his wedding BIG TIME. It really is a wonder he can get any woman to walk down that aisle, I swear to God. He's managed to marry and divorce three different women. Granted, the third one was his ex-girlfriend, and they were totally wasted, but still. When you are wasted you have sex, you don't get married. Unless, of course, you are my friend Ross.

What was I talking about? Oh, right, London. So, we got back from London, and we thought that maybe it would be best if we not do it in New York. We wanted to stay friends, and all that crap. Well, that rule lasted about, oh I dunno, ten minutes, once we got home. We ended up in bed together that night. And pretty much every night after that. But we didn't tell anyone about it, which was kinda cool. Why didn't we tell anyone? Okay, remember my friend Ross I was telling you about? Yeah, the marriage guy. He used to date my girlfriend's best friend, Rachel. They had a short, passionate relationship, and it ended with a bang. A big one. He slept with someone else. He insists that they were on a break at the time, and she insists they weren't. Between you and me, I am siding with Ross on this one. But don't tell my girlfriend. She'll kick my ass. Literally. Anyway, when they broke up, it was really hard to hang out with the two of them. It was like being the child of divorced parents. So, yes, it was like re-living my childhood. It was awful. Monica (that's my girlfriend) and I didn't want to be under that kind of pressure. We knew that if *they* knew about us, we'd be under that same microscope. I tried to explain this to my best friend Joey, when he first found out about us. Of course Monica and I knew that one of our roommates would find out eventually. We were kinda surprised that Joey was the first to figure it all out. Anyway, when I told Joey that we didn't want to be under a microscope, his response was, "Dude, I don't know what you're worried about, microscopes can only see things that are really far away. And you are right here." Yeah, he's not the brightest guy in the world, but he is my best bud. He's the one I screwed over that one time. I can't believe he still talks to me. Though, honestly, I don't know what I'd do without him. He moved out once, a few years ago. He got a big role on a soap opera, so he...which soap opera? Um, he always calls it DOOL, so now I can't remember the actual name of the soap. Oh, Days of Our Lives? Is that it? I don't know. Anyway, he got a big role on there. What? Oh, he was Dr. Drake Ramoray. I take it you watch that show. Yeah, if you want to meet him, I guess. Can I finish my story?
Right, okay, where was I? Okay, 'Dr Drake Ramoray' wanted to get his own place, now that he was making money. So he split, and I ended up living with the biggest freak on the planet. Yep, freakier than the billionaire. This guy was totally insane. He used to watch me sleep. It was so creepy. He tried to dehydrate a shoe once. And he put a goldfish in his pocket. Yes, a real one. Anyway, long story short, we managed to finally get him out, and Joey moved back in. Yeah, they killed him off. Yeah the elevator shaft. Wow, you really like that show, huh?

My girlfriend once told me that love and friendship go hand in hand. I think it's true, to an extent. I mean, I definitely think that our friendship helped us out a lot. It built a foundation for our current relationship, it made it stronger than it would have been, had we just met and started dating. We would have never lasted, had that been the case. We are both way too high strung. But we had invested in a solid friendship, and that made our relationship more amazing, I think. Yeah, I am reading that book. No, Monica is making me. I am only halfway through it, I keep falling asleep. Don't tell Monica that. Did you meet Monica? I guess she was here with Rachel and our other friend, Phoebe. Yeah, we have a lot of friends. We are more like family though. I see them every day. Yeah, all of them. What do we do? We usually sit on our asses and drink coffee. No, I am always this hyper, it's not the coffee. I am pretty sure that we are all immune to the effects of the coffee now.

Remember how I was saying that you never really know where life is going to take you? A year ago, there is no way I'd be standing here, talking to you like this. But now, I can see my future, and it is clearer than it has ever been. My future is with Monica, and all of the children we are going to have. Our lives will start together right here. Actually, I think it would look better by the window. Hildy said that there was a spot open next May. Yeah, I think we should book it. My friend Phoebe is going to go with me to buy the ring tomorrow. I know, I can't wait.


Do you SEE what happens when you give me too much free time? Sorry bout that.