ANNOUNCING the PSYCH 2009 COLLECTOR'S SERIES, premiering this July.
The first model in this series, SHAWN SPENCER v.4, will be available for a limited time only. All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. Original quoted dialogue borrowed from the writers of Psych.
The SHAWN SPENCER Owner's Guide
The SHAWN SPENCER Owner's Guide
(Edited by Beth Green)
PLEASE READ THESE INSTRUCTIONS CAREFULLY AND COMPLETELY BEFORE ATTEMPTING TO USE YOUR SHAWN SPENCER.
Following these instructions will result in countless hours of entertainment and awesome amazement as you discover and use the many talents and skills of your own personal SHAWN SPENCER.
Your SHAWN SPENCER comes enclosed in a traveling blueberry Psych-mobile carrying case, either plain or with yellow flame detailing. In order to remove your SHAWN SPENCER from the Psych-mobile, you must use the following verbal code words:
The Chief has a case.
Name: Shawn Spencer aka Psych-man aka Kkarlton Lassiter aka Wilting Flower aka Bill Fineman aka Hans Jorgenson aka Jerry Hathaway aka Ichabod 'Sticky Icky' Fletchman aka Shawn Hofen-Inderheine aka Black aka Levon Tostig aka Aurora Borealis
Classification: ychic-psay etective-day
Height: 5' 10" (1.79 m)
Hair: Brown, wavy, sometimes short, sometimes long, but always looking good even and especially when the hair is on his face in the form of beard stubble
Eyes: Ever-changing hazel, blue when he's wearing blue, green when he's wearing green, and hypnotic when seen in close-up
Your SHAWN SPENCER may or may not be endowed with psychic powers. His psychic power function is directly affected by the user's ability to suspend disbelief. Psychic ability is activated when Shawn holds hand(s) to head.
Do you forget things easily? Your SHAWN SPENCER can retain information that may leak out of your mind like a sieve. Shawn comes equipped with a near-photographic memory, allowing him to conduct a visual scan of an object or area upon request, and to retain the information in his memory for future use.
Ownership of a SHAWN SPENCER means that you will never go hungry again. Shawn's detecting abilities include the ability to recognize the sounds and smells associated with the nearest food vendor, and to quickly locate the source.
Your SHAWN SPENCER comes with 'Private Discussion' feature, which allows him to conduct a private conversation with you and not be overheard, even if another person is standing mere feet away.
Are you one of the many people who often find themselves at a loss for words in social situations? With SHAWN SPENCER as your dialogue coach, you will never again find yourself struggling to come up with a clever or witty comeback.
The following are a few of the many colorful and creative phrases available to you via use of your SHAWN SPENCER:
"Remember, you treat a woman like a person, then a princess, then a goddess, then a person again."
"I've been having this recurring dream where I'm flying over Auckland on the back of a swan made primarily of cocoa. His name is Clem."
"I don't know where you guys went to Partner College, but I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to shoot at your partners."
"Of course we'll help you. You're like our brother.
. . . Stepbrother?
. . . Weird kid who lives down the street and eats nothing but mayonaisse?"
"Perhaps you're referring to my license to kill. Revoked. Trouble at the Kazakhstan border. I could give you the details but then I'd have to kill you . . . which I can't do,
because my license to kill has been revoked."
If you are in need of a pet-sitter, your SHAWN SPENCER is an excellent choice for the job. He is able to psychically talk to animals (cats and horses in particular). However, do not expect your SHAWN SPENCER to be able to differentiate between boys and girls of any species other than your own.
While his eidetic memory is practical, it is also a useful device for making your next party a hit with your friends as your SHAWN SPENCER deduces information not readily apparent and shares his psychic divinations.
If you have financial concerns regarding your ability to collect and pay for all of the models in the 'Psych' series, improper use of your SHAWN SPENCER may allow you to supplement your income. Shawn's detective abilities are such that he can uncover all of your friends' and neighbors' previously hidden dirty little secrets, providing excellent blackmail material.
NOTE: Manufacturer does not recommend or condone using your SHAWN SPENCER in the above manner, and will disavow any knowledge of your actions should the use of your SHAWN SPENCER be called into question.
DISCLAIMER: The manufacturer takes no responsibility for any damage to funny bones that may occur with prolonged use of this product. By purchasing this product, user agrees to follow the basic instructions contained within this document, and absolves the manufacturer from any and all liability associated with use and/or abuse of SHAWN SPENCER.
Playing 'Spot the Pineapple' is a necessary (but fun) activity for both you and your SHAWN SPENCER as you seek out hidden fruit. Whether in the form of Hawaii's official 'Welcome' fruit, or as an upside-down cake or a shirt logo, a pineapple a day keeps the Boringtons away.
Manufacturer recommends use of a ZIP-LINE PULLEY SYSTEM (sold separately) in order to ensure that your SHAWN SPENCER's food intake requirements are met. Adequate nutrition is necessary in order to achieve the optimum performance level of your SHAWN SPENCER. Nutrition includes (but is not limited to) Cheetos, burritos, Chinese food, and the previously mentioned PINEAPPLE.
Avoid any and all activities that may result in a threat to life and/or limbs. If confronted by danger, your SHAWN SPENCER invariably responds by generating a sound similar to the scream of a twelve-year old girl, immediately followed by a demonstration of his ability to run very, very far, very, very fast.
ADDITIONAL MODELS IN THE 'PSYCH' SERIES
(The manufacturer is hopeful that enough SHAWN SPENCER models will be sold to allow GUS, the second model in the series, to be produced.)
GUS (aka Burton Guster aka Bruton Gaster aka Nick Nack aka Longbranch Pennywhistle aka Schoonie 'U-Turn' Singleton aka Magic Head aka Gallileo Humpkins aka Byron Bojangles III aka Lavender Gooms aka Tan aka Ovaltine Jenkins aka Gus 'TT Showbiz' aka Schmooel Cohen aka Gus 'Silly Pants' Jackson aka Shutterfly Simmons aka Felicia Fancybottom aka Scrooge Jones aka Burton 'Oil Can' Guster aka Weepy-Boy Santos aka Bighead Burton aka Slicks aka Paddy Simcox aka Chocolate Columbo)
GUS is designed to be SHAWN SPENCER's best friend, able to encourage or distract Shawn as needed for optimal functioning. When SHAWN SPENCER's functioning is impaired due to a high level of stress, GUS will improve operation of your SHAWN by imitating famous characters such as Michael Jackson or King Kong.
Due to the fact that SHAWN's employment may be somewhat erratic, purchase of GUS is highly recommended to ensure a steady source of income.
CARLTON LASSITER (aka Lassie)
SHAWN SPENCER has said this about CARLTON LASSITER: "You're a striking man with strong features, eyes that women wanna do cannonballs into, you have great posture and penmanship the likes I've never seen."
Why wouldn't you want to have a CARLTON LASSITER of your very own?
Caution: Manufacturer recommends that you not limit your Psych collection solely to SHAWN and LASSITER if you wish to avoid Shassie. If you don't know what Shassie is, it is a condition that involves slash, or m/m[NOT the delicious candy-coated chocolate, but male on male action.]
JULIET (aka Jules)
Juliet, like Shawn, has the ability to look good in any situation.
If you are a female purchasing SHAWN SPENCER for your own personal use and enjoyment, the manufacturer urges caution in adding JULIET to your collection. JULIET is attracted to SHAWN SPENCER, and if the two are in contact for an extended length of time, a condition known as Shules may develop.
Every boy needs a dad, and every SHAWN SPENCER needs a HENRY SPENCER.
If you want your SHAWN SPENCER to perform menial jobs such as doghouse-building (but seriously, why would you?) HENRY SPENCER's presence is necessary for completion of the task.