Open Foot, I nsert Mouth or Mojito Madness

by leejeeg

A GW ficlet. All 5 pilots, mentions of 1x2 and 3x4 and probable 5xS.

Warnings: Humor, Preventerness, drunken behavior, silliness and teensy Author insert at the end.

Wufei becomes concerned about the other pilots' drinking habits. Consider this, along with How Dee Quit Smoking, my attempt at public service announcements (hee)


one

"All I am suggesting is that you four may want to cut back on the drinking," Chang Wufei was nearly shouting above the din of the dark and smoky bar.

The five ex-pilots had made a bee-line for the bar after their shifts at work ended. It was Friday and that meant Tequila Twofer night at Shane's, the bar the five frequented. Heero, Duo, Wufei and Trowa acquired the rear table facing the entrance-just in case of trouble. Quartre joined them directly after the Friday afternoon meeting at the Brussels branch of WEI, which just so happened to be conveniently located near Preventer headquarters, and Trowa Barton.

"Oh, Wufei," Quatre sighed, "we're only blowing off some steam."

"But there are other ways to do that," Chang replied, almost arrogantly. He never had anything stronger than club soda when they went out, and he was tiring of being the resident designated driver. Duo smirked at him as he reached for the bottle of tequila that sat in the middle of their table. "Lighten up, 'Fei. We are supposed to be having a good time here. Besides-I had a rough day and I'd like to unwind."

"As I just said, there are other ways."

Trowa watched the exchange with interest.

"Besides, Maxwell-what qualifies as a bad day for you, did you get a paper cut retrieving a file?"

"Yuk, yuk, Chang. For your information it started out with the Riley case. We had to release the bastard. The eye witness suddenly couldn't remember anything. My car finally died today and my cat ran off."

"Not Tibbles?" Quatre asked, stricken. Duo's violet eyes widened. "We've been through this before, Q, his name was Killer."

Quatre smiled indulgently. "That was a Tibbles if I've ever seen one."

Trowa's interest was now peaked, since Chang was so insistent. "What other ways, Wufei?"

The Chinese Preventer turned to face his green-eyed comrade. "Well, Barton, one can perform katas or exercises such as Tai Chi. Read a good book-listen to soothing music, relax with a soothing bath or some herbal tea. All of these are acceptable methods of de-stressing."

"Booooorrrrrring," Duo intoned, as he refilled his tumbler. "Booze is a helluva lot more fun, Fi Fie Fei Fo Fum."

"Maxwell, stop mangling my name! You are insufferable." Turning to Heero who had been silent as usual he added, "Yuy, I don't know what you see in him."

Heero paused and took a rather large sip of his own drink, appearing to be thinking it over when Duo chimed in, "Heero thinks I'm amusing."

Heero smiled slightly.

"An' you also think I'm very sexy, doncha, Babe?" Duo added.

"Hai," was the quiet response and Duo smiled rather smugly at Wufei, who in turn rolled his eyes.

After that the night progressed with more drinking, a little dancing and ended with an irate Chang Wufei driving the lot of them to their respective homes.


two

"Agent Wind has asked me to make you aware of the dangers of alcohol consumption," Sally Po began her anti-drinking lecture in the conference room. An hour later, every agent in attendance left with a brochure citing the dangers and signs of alcoholism.

"Thank you, Sally. You did an outstanding job."

"Why thank you Wufei. I am a little confused-as far as I know we don't have an alcoholism problem at Preventer. And being the chief medical physician I should know, so why did you request this lecture?"

"It is merely concern for my friends. Last week Duo got up in front of the entire bar and sang Tiny Bubbles."

"Was it karaoke night?"

"I-I don't know. But even if it was-Maxwell was rip roaring drunk."

"Ah. ......."

"And Yuy's response was to mime a ukulele while his partner sang."

Sally tried unsuccessfully to repress a giggle. "Oh, Wufei, I can't have lunch with you tomorrow because my wedding gown is back from the seamstress," she smiled broadly. "The alterations are complete. I can't wait!"

"I can accompany you to the dress shop-then we can have lunch," he said pragmatically. Sally's eyes widened slightly in horror. "No! I mean, no Wufei-it's bad luck to see the bride in her gown before her wedding day."


12:30 p.m. Wufei could be found in the Preventer cafeteria lunching alone, with a black eye courtesy of an irate fianceé who did not care for his commentary on onnas and stupid wedding traditions.


three

"Please, Wufei. Consider it a personal favor to Quatre and me." Trowa had been trying with little success to convince Wufei to let them hold a bachelor party in his honor. "Don't you remember what fun ours was," Quatre asked. Chang frowned at the memory: jell-o shots, male strippers and Duo Maxwell popping out of a giant cake. He shuddered involuntarily. "It is kind of you to offer but.........."

"Chang," Trowa interrupted, "why don't you come for dinner tonight. We can discuss it again then."


"And then the secretary barged in-it was her first day so she did not know enough to refrain from interrupting the meeting. But the best part was when she," Quatre erupted into gales of laughter, "she-she- she, oh, it was too funny........" They were all laughing, even Heero, affected by Quatre's infectious laugh. Duo shushed everyone. "C'mon Q-ball-what'd she do?"

Quatre looked at him perplexed. Sheepishly he shrugged his shoulders. "I can't remember."

All five pilots burst out laughing. Trowa handed a tall glass to Wufei.

Have another Mojito, Chang?"

"No-one was quite enough, but thank you, they are exceptionally good."


four

Monday: Wufei went to dinner with Sally and ordered a pear mojito.

Tuesday: At the weekly poker game at Heero and Duo's Wufei deigned to drink a mojito made by Duo.

Wednesday: Trowa and Wufei had a late night in the office. When they were done they stopped off for a drink at Shane's. Wufei had a mojito.

Thursday: Quatre invited Wufei to lunch to try and persuade him to allow the bachelor party. He had a mojito. And okay'd the party.

Friday: At Shane's the five friends discussed the details of the party. Wufei strongly declined the offer of a stripper. "Sally and I do not wish it-it offends our sensibilities."

Duo who was draped over Heero's shoulders and swaying to the bar music responded with a, "huh?"

Wufei rolled his eyes wondering how Maxwell could get a buzz on so fast; they'd only just arrived. "So-no strippers?" Duo repeated, not comprehending. Wufei rolled his eyes again in exasperation. "I do not require such..............entertainment, Maxwell."

"But I'm still popping out of the cake, right?"

Wufei's onyx eyes nearly bugged out. "w-wh-what?!" he spluttered. Duo ambled away towards the men's room cackling gleefully. "Wuffy-you're soooooo easy!"

Wufei immediately went to the bar and ordered a mojito.

Saturday: The night of the bachelor party. Everything was going well. Wufei was actually enjoying himself, talking with the other agents, listening to jokes and stories. Someone handed him a mojito and he accepted gratefully having developed a fondness for the drink. The other four respected the Chinese agent's wishes and there were no strippers present. There were card games galore and a risqué stag film, but Wufei didn't mind at all. He had loosened up quite a bit. Well, the three additional mojitos helped tremendously.

Party Highlights:

Wufei was the dance hit of the party, including the lap dance he gave Duo.

Duo did in fact pop out of the cake.

Some of the pilots got together and prank called Une, asking her if her refrigerator was running and if she had Prince Albert in a can.

At one point Wufei slung his arm around Quatre and slurred in his ear, "Y'know-I really like camels!" to which Quatre replied, "Thanks?"


five

"I was furious Noin. I could not believe how drunk the idiot got. No-I put him to bed and hid all of the pain relievers," Sally smirked into the vid-phone.

"I don't know when or if the wedding is going to take place."

"........................." (imagine Noin on the other end).

"No, what he did was-unforgiveable!"


Wufei had his head on the desk and was groaning continuously. "Never again," he moaned. Duo was grinning like the Cheshire cat when his partner came in and sat behind his desk. Heero glanced at Wufei. "What's with him?"

Duo came over and sat on the corner of his lover's desk. "Severe hangover. And the wedding is off."

"Nani?"

"Well, it seems our friend here managed to get his fianceé's wedding gown and wore it to Sally's after the party."


"I don't know how he got the gown, Noin-but I suppose being a Preventer agent has its advantages."


"So she called off the wedding just because he wore her gown?

"Not exactly, Babe. It was because he looked better in it than she did!" Duo began chuckling.


Wufei crowed triumphantly when he found a bottle of aspirin in the break room, but howled in dismay when he could not open the child-proof lid.

Several minutes later Heero discovered him sitting on the floor amid a table that along with the aspirin bottle had been sliced in half with a katana.


"I suppose we will still get married. I do love the jerk."

".............................."

"Hmm? Well, not until I find a gown that suits me. And I mean me."

End (Sort of)

Wufei: onna, don't you think using a katana to open a bottle a bit much?

Leejeeg: my story. (wiggles fingers in exit)

Duo: hey Wuffers-saw you in the gown on EBAY. Looking good.

Heero: who would buy it after Wufei's been in it?

Quatre: don't laugh-this is going to have great potential. (Holds up gown in its garment bag)