Disclaimer: I don't own people.
Note: If you're interested in a story with a complex plot, intriguing characters, and a splendid, well-thought out ending…this is not the story for you. This is more of a story for those people who enjoy Eugene the monkey and pointless nonsensical crap happening every 3 seconds. :-)
Another note: Anything in * denotes the beautiful yet complex language of Monkey.
Remember kids: reviewing is cool.
'Twas the night before Christmas…
"Scotty! I made you some fruitcake!" Beast giggled, bounding down the hallway to the formal dining room, where Cyclops was having a pre-Christmas tea party with Magneto and Sabretooth.
"Sabes, babe, I just love what you did with your hair," Cyclops gushed, taking a sip of his tea.
"Oh isn't it marvelous?" Magneto replied, twirling a strand of Sabretooth's luscious hair around his finger.
"Fabulous, darling. Fabulous," Beast agreed, taking a seat and setting down his fruitcake.
Sabretooth suddenly snapped his head around. "I've got the urge!"
"Natural botanicals!" the three other men said, bringing out their bottles of Herbal Essences and starting to lather up Sabes' hair.
"He's got the uuuuuurge to Herbal!" they sang.
"Wait 'til you try the body wash!" a random old lady grinned.
Wolverine walked into the dining room, blinked, then slowly edged away.
And all through the house…
"What tha - ?!" Rogue yelled at the top of her lungs. "Why tha hell is there a partridge in a pear tree in mah BEDROOM!?"
"Remy t'ought it'd be romantic," Gambit said meekly. He suddenly grinned slyly and rubbed his hands together. "An' I figured I'd have some fun wit' dem maids-a-milkin' when dey show up," he murmured to himself.
Not a creature was stirring…
"Stir, stir, stir!" Jean shouted at the top of her lungs in defiance. "Look at me stir!"
Storm nonchalantly hit her over the head with a frying pan. The Christmas turkey baking in the oven saw his chance to escape and hurled himself through the oven glass, taking off at high speed.
Not even a highly intelligent monkey named Eugene…
Eugene the Monkey sat on the couch in the rec room, smoking his pipe and watching Jubilee attempt to decorate the Christmas tree in half-amusement, half boredom.
"Alright Eugene, I think I've, like, done it!" Jubilee exclaimed, leaping to her feet. "Now all I gots to do is plug in this cord and…"
Eugene calmly placed a helmet on his head and with a yawn and braced for impact.
Smiling from ear to ear, Jubilee plugged in the cord.
Eugene yawned again as the tree spontaneously burst into flames, then imploded.
Yes, it was Christmas Eve. The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, yadda yadda yadda.
"Quickly, everyone! To the war room for Christmas carols!" Cyclops yelled. Everyone joyously strolled to the war room.
"Ready?" Jean said, sitting down at the war room piano (…?) and beginning to play a Christmas tune.
"One, two, three, four!" Cyclops shouted.
"Who wears short shorts?" all the X-Men sang. "We wear short shorts!"
Professor X wiped his tears with his short shorts. "The music…it's so beautiful," he sniffed.
Eugene snoozed contentedly on the couch, but was suddenly startled by a sound. He sat bolt upright, his monkey sense tingling…
Something in a red suit fell down the chimney in a crumpled heap with a loud THUMP. Eugene leapt to his…paws? and stared at Santa. When he didn't move for awhile, Eugene went over and poked him. Still, Santa did not move.
Eugene suddenly looked into the distance. He knew what he had to do…
Eugene had to save Christmas.
Back in the War Room…
Everyone's caroling and merry-making was suddenly interrupted by a loud THUMP. The X-Men looked around anxiously.
"It's Santa! Scramble!" Jean screamed. All the X-Men ran around frantically for a few minutes, then ran like the wind itself to their bedrooms.
Except, of course, for curious little Cindy-Lou Who…
She ventured right down to the chimney, you see, only to find Santa and a little monkey.
"What's happened?" she asked, concern in her voice. "Did Santa fall down? Did he break all the toys?"
"Eee," replied Eugene with a smile on his face. He'd save Christmas, you see, at a break-neck pace.
He climbed up the chimney, a brave little soul, then hopped in Santa's sleigh, taking on his role.
*"On Dasher, on Dancer, on Prancer and Vixen! On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen!"*
And so off Eugene went to save the day, and make children happy in his own little way.
Christmas morning, in the rec room…
"GET these lords-a-leapin' OUT OF HERE!" Rogue screamed at Gambit, who quickly ushered them out the front door.
"Look, everyone. Santa seems to be stuck in our chimney," Storm noted calmly. Everyone gasped and ran over to the chimney.
"He's DEAD!" Jean screamed, then fainted.
"I'm not dead," Santa explained. "Can you people please help me out of the chimney - ?"
"Oh GOD, the HORROR of it all!" Scott screamed. "WE…KILLED…SANTA!"
"Uh…I said I'm not dead…" Santa repeated.
"THE SHAME! THE HUMANITY!" Beast wept.
"I'm NOT dead!" Santa shouted.
"Hey guys, he's not dead," Wolverine said, chomping on his cigar. "In fact…" he said slowly, walking over to Santa. "This isn't even Santa Claus!"
Wolverine grabbed Santa's hair and yanked. A mask came off in his hands, revealing…
"SPIDERMAN?!" everyone exclaimed.
"Yo," Spiderman replied coolly.
Wolverine shook his head and yanked again.
"APOCALYPSE?!" everyone exclaimed.
"I shall bring with me the purity of oblivion!" Apocalypse roared.
Wolvie yanked again.
"JEFF PROBST?!" everyone exclaimed.
"The tribe has spoken," Jeff said solemnly.
"THE ARTIST FORMERLY KNOWN AS PRINCE?!"
Finally Wolverine triumphantly yanked off the last mask.
"BRAD PITT!" everyone gasped.
"So…" Cyclops said, pacing the room. "You, with your dashing good looks and irresistible charm, dressed up, pretending to be Santa Claus…"
"And I would've gotten away with it if it hadn't been for you meddling kids!" Brad Pitt said angrily.
"Take him away, boys," Cyclops commanded. A few random police officers showed up and cuffed Brad Pitt, then lead him out of the X-Mansion.
Suddenly there was a thunk as Eugene landed Santa's sleigh on the roof and nimbly scrambled down the chimney.
"Eugene! You saved Christmas!" Jubilee exclaimed.
"Ooo eee," Eugene replied.
And then there was much rejoicing.
And some, some say…that Brad Pitt's heart grew 3 sizes that day.