The Misadventures of Elmo, Charlie, and Lenny

The First Meeting

"Dad, I have someone I'd like you to meet. His name is Edward Cullen. He's Dr. Cullen's son, you know Dr. Cullen, right?"

Charlie frowned. He didn't like the sound of this. Was it possible that this Edmund was Bella's boyfriend? No, of course not. She'd said she wasn't interested in any of the boys at school. And besides, she was a mature, responsible girl. She wasn't likely to get caught up in fashion and boys like all the other girls her age. Just to be safe, he picked up Lenny.

"No! Dad you will not shoot Edward!"

Bella was such a spoil-sport.

Charlie dejectedly set Lenny back down on the table and tried to continue polishing him, but Bella picked him up and put him away. She turned and gave Charlie a stern look, and he made a halo around his head to show her he would be good. She went to the living room to bring Edwin inside.

Charlie just knew this boy would be trouble. He could see it in the way he held himself (too straight, he must be arrogant), the way he smiled (too widely, he must be hiding something), the way he looked at Bella (no boy got that light in their eye unless they were thinking about sex). He had to stop this, he had to stop this now.

"Hello Earnest."

Bella looked mortified.

"It's Edward, sir. Nice to meet you."

He held out his hand like he expected Charlie to shake it. Hmph, him, shake his hand!?! The hand of the boy who was trying to corrupt his little Bella!?! Ohhh no! No way! He glared at the hand until Ellsworth pulled it back tentatively. As he should! He couldn't believe the nerve of this boy!

"Dad, this is Edward, my boyfriend."


Charlie looked murderously at Eric. He would kill him here and now if Bella weren't in the room. He didn't want her seeing something so violent.

Bella tried to break the silence by inviting them into the dining room where she had dinner ready. Charlie was still glaring at Eli.

The dinner was extremely awkward, mostly filled with uncomfortable silences, occasionally broken by Charlie's interrogation of Earl. He just had to show Bella what he was really like! Unfortunately, the boy seemed to have prepared a bunch of bullshit answers. One such incident had angered Charlie so much he'd bent his spoon. He got past it however, to continue his quest to uncover the truth for Bella's delicate eyes.

"So, Edna, - "

"It's Edward, sir. And isn't that a girl's name?"

"Your point?"

"Ah, good one sir."

"Yes, I thought so. Anyway, Elijah, where are you planning on going to college?"

"Dartmouth, sir."

"You? Dartmouth? Why would they let you into Dartmouth?"

"I have a 4.0 GPA, sir."

And why did he keep saying sir? Like Charlie was supposed to believe that the boy actually respected him! Regardless, he would let the boy continue to make a fool of himself in front of Bella. Hopefully she would soon realize what a fraud her boyfriend was.

Pretty soon it was time for Edgar to leave. Finally! Charlie and Bella escorted him to the door. He gave Bella a hug before he left, apparently he was afraid to kiss her with Charlie standing right there (who wasn't too happy about the hug either).

"Goodnight Bella."

"Goodnight Edward."

"Goodnight Chief Swan."

"Night Elmer."

"Again, good one sir."


While their conversation was taking place, Charlie was glaring at Edison, waiting for him to take the hint and leave. Why was he still standing there? Did he think he was going to get a kiss from Bella? Charlie was sure he'd already made his opinion on that matter clear. He glared harder. Charlie observed carefully the entire time as Eliot walked out the door, across the porch, down the steps, down the driveway, got into his car, put on his seatbelt, turned on his lights, pulled out of the driveway, and three . . . two . . . one . . .

YES! Elroy was gone!

Charlie couldn't have kept the grin of his face if he'd tried (he hadn't).

Bella turned to glare at her father.

"How could you do that to me?!? That was terrible! He was nervous the entire time - "

"Just as he should have been!"

"No! I won't let you treat Edward that way again! He's my boyfriend! I lo - "

"Isabella Marie Swan, if you say what I think you're going to say, you are grounded!"

"You can't ground me for LOVING someone!"

"Oh yes I can! At least if you're talking about Elton I can!"


And she stormed up to her bedroom like the teenage girl she was but hardly ever acted like.

Charlie sighed.

The Engagement

About a year had passed (Bella was a senior now), and during that time Charlie had grudgingly put up with Elvis' near constant presence in Bella's life. He was still leery of the boy, however, and was just waiting for the day he broke his Bella's heart and Charlie had to use Lenny on him. He wasn't looking forward to it, of course (the heart part, not the Lenny part), but felt that it was a sad truth that was, unfortunately, inevitable. He was sitting on the couch one day, drinking a beer when suddenly his day took a terrible turn. Elvin showed up.

Charlie was using his usual fallback method of ignoring the boy when something he said wasn't totally pointless. It caught Charlie's attention.

"So do you think we should tell him now?"

Charlie scowled. This sounded like bad news. He turned to look at his daughter.

"What is it exactly that you've got to tell me?"

He saw Bella blush and shift nervously in her seat.

"Dad, Edward and I are getting married."

Charlie's face turned red, but otherwise there was no visible reaction. Inwardly he was planning a slow and painful death for Emanuel.

"Now, I know you don't think that he and I are a very good match, but I know that if you think rationally for a moment you will be able to see that this has been coming for a long time. I couldn't be happier, and I know you only care about my happiness. And I know you may think we're too young for marriage, but I am very mature and responsible, you've always said so, so you see, this is the only logical thing for us to do, really."

Bella gave him a pleading look, as if she was begging him to understand. He almost gave in. Almost. But then the anger at the fact that this boy was trying not only to take away his baby, but to take her away so that he could taint her without feeling guilty (because he knew that was why Emilio was marrying her), took over.

Charlie grabbed Lenny.

"Dad, NO!"

He aimed Lenny at Emerson and got ready to shoot. He was almost there too. He was so close! He was almost rid of that annoying little pest for good! But then Bella jumped in front of him, and Charlie aimed Lenny away.

"Bella, are you insane?!? You can't marry him! He's not right for you! You're too young! YOU'RE ONLY EIGHTEEN!"

"I know dad, I understand, but Edward and I would have gotten married eventually, why should we wait? We already know we're meant to be together!"

"But Bella! Emmett?!?"

"Actually, sir, Emmett's my brother."

"Oh, shut up, Enrico!"

The First Child

It was now about six months after Bella and Ernie's wedding. He'd walked his little girl down the isle, not the least bit happy about the boy waiting for her, but still joyous at the delighted look on Bella's face when she saw him. They'd gotten married, gone on their honeymoon (Charlie had nearly hyperventilated that night), moved in together, and were now living happily ever after. Of course, their happily ever after wasn't "The End", and looking back on it, Charlie supposed he really should have seen it coming. But he hadn't, and the incident that followed Bella's announcement almost became a legend after how many times it was told and retold in the tiny town of Forks, Washington.

"You're what?"

"Pregnant. Dad, Edward and I are having a baby."

She looked delighted, and Errol looked like he was about ready to explode with happiness. Charlie wished he would.

Before anyone had time to think about it, Lenny was in Charlie's hands and pointed at the evil, slimy, disgusting, disgrace to the name of human being, THING that had taken advantage of his daughter. Bella tried the same trick as before, but it didn't work this time, as her clumsiness had chosen the perfect moment to make itself known and she tripped on the way up and landed on her back on the couch. Though she wasn't hurt, it did take her a second to get out of the squashy cushions, and that was all the time Charlie needed. Bella panicked.

"Edward, RUN!"

"What?!? He wouldn't really shoot me, would he?!?"


Erv ran.

Charlie chased.

Bella followed.

"Run, Edward, run!!!"

Erwin ran as fast as he could down the driveway, but it wasn't fast enough. Charlie may have been old, and he may have been slow, but his daughter was pregnant. He needed to kill.

Esteban ran.

Charlie aimed.

Bella leapt.

"Agh! No! Bella, I almost had him!"

"NO!!! Dad, I will not let you hurt Edward!!!"

As his victim escaped, Charlie was betrayed by his own daughter while she jumped on to his back and attempted to wrestle Lenny out of his hands. He fought back as much as he dared, but he knew that killing Eugene was not worth harming Bella in any way.

"But...Bella. He hurt you. He ruined your life!"

"No, dad. He made it worth living."

From that day onward, Charlie scowled and glared, and he never got Ethan's name right, but he dealt with him. He'd taken what Bella said to heart, and knew that his hatred of Bella's love was hurting her more than anything else. Soon, Renesmee Carlie Cullen was brought into the world. Charlie was there at the hospital, and while the proud parents were cooing over the sweet little girl, Charlie snuck away to the hospital's main office. He changed the birth certificate.

Name: Renesmee Carlie Cullen

DOB: September 10, 2006

Mother: Isabella Cullen

Father: Elmo Cullen

The Epilogue

Many years later, Edward Cullen sat down to dinner with his wife, his daughter, and his daughter's new boyfriend.

"So, Jane, - "

"It's Jake, sir. And isn't that a girl's name?"

"Your point?"

"Ah, good one, sir."

"Yes, I thought so."