"Forbidden Love Affair"
A Contest of Hidden Desires
Title of One-Shot: Deliver Us from Temptation
Pairing: Bella & Edward
Rating: M or NC-17
Theme: Celibacy Vows
Word Count: 9,755
Summary: Entry for Forbidden Love Affair, A Contest of Hidden Desires. Bella Swan and Edward Cullen are the champions of celibacy in their exceedingly conservative, religious school chastity club.
This one-shot is being posted in participation with the above mentioned contest hosted by bemylullaby, goldentemptress, kyla713, miztrezboo, and Nostalgicmiss. Please see any of the aforementioned author's profiles for complete contest information, or see the C2 community 'Forbidden Love Affair, A Contest of Hidden Desires'.
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns the characters of Twilight. Chastity .com is not mine either. No offense is meant in any way whatsoever.
Author's Note: I will admit that my story is a little different in the love affair aspect. Edward and Bella are allowed to have a "relationship", but not have sex. Therefore, the actually lovin' is what is forbidden. I hope that's acceptable for the contest.
generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it."
- Mae West
Before Edward Cullen, I was an upstanding student at my overtly religious, private school: the pastor's daughter, top of the class, volleyball star, and all-around good girl. I attended church every Sunday and Wednesday, and on Fridays I spent my evenings with the Abstaining for Love Club.
Yes, the Abstaining for Love Club. I certainly didn't make up the name. I know it's a ridiculous title for a Club devoted to abstinence until marriage. People outside the Club tend to call it Virgins United or Sexually Frustrated Anonymous. Personally, before Edward Cullen, I had found the Club to be a haven in a world full of temptations. I had been taught growing up that abstinence was the only way, anything else was sinful, wrong. Pre-marital sex violated the sanctity of marriage and desecrated a young virgin's body. I won't even go into the deep sinfulness of self-gratification. The Club had kept me safe and protected from sins of the flesh.
Until Edward Cullen.
To be fair, Edward shouldn't be blamed for my fall off the proverbial horse. All he did was transfer into my school. He couldn't help that he was perfect. His sinful bronze hair. His sinful green eyes. His sinful, kissable lips. Don't forget his damningly sinful body. Ahem. He was perfect in other ways, too, aside from his physical features. He was a basketball player, instantly the star of our school's team and still excelled in school, right behind myself in grades. I saw him in church every Sunday and Wednesday, and, of course, during the Friday night activities of the Abstaining for Love Club. Edward Cullen was the son every parent wanted – and the man who turned my chaste ways upside down.
It started innocently enough…
"Bella! Come here, there's someone I want to introduce you to!" my father, Pastor Charlie Swan, called to me across the vast field of pews between us. He was always pelted by well-wishing congregants after Sunday church. I usually dawdled in the back with my friends until he was done talking, before we left for a heavy lunch prepared by my mother - the dedicated pastor's wife.
I excused myself and made my way through the maze of chattering people. I adjusted my conservative sundress, with a delicate sweater jacket decorating my shoulders for appropriateness. It was the amount of people in the aisle that obscured him from my view, leaving me unprepared for the close-up version of church boy perfection.
As soon as my eyes settled on the combination of heaven and hell all rolled into one, my heart jumped in my throat. He was dutifully standing beside his parents, who were conversing animatedly with my father. He gave me a crooked smile, which I returned with a shy grin and blush. His smile resulted in my first experience with arousal. Hence, the irreverent blush of the devil on my cheeks.
"Bella, honey, I want you to meet the Cullen family. They just moved here from Chicago," my father said with excitement. "This is Dr. Carlisle Cullen his wife, Esme, and their son, Edward," he addressed the Cullens next. "This is my daughter, Bella," he introduced me. Charlie gave me a meaningful look, which I interpreted to mean he wanted something from me that only the pastor's daughter would get roped into. "Edward's transferring into your school and his first day is tomorrow. I told him you would be happy to take him under your wing – invite him to join the Club."
Instantly I went into pastor's daughter mode. "I'd be happy to!" I gushed with unfeigned enthusiasm. A reason to spend time with the most gorgeous man in the universe might very well have been a miracle from God. In reflection, the devil was more likely to have been the director of me and Edward's introduction.
"I really appreciate it," Edward said in his confident baritone. "Knowing at least one face in the crowds tomorrow would be nice." He flashed me that crooked smile again and my knees wobbled. I was baffled as to what was wrong with my body. A warm, tingly feeling was rushing through me, settling in the center of my legs. Anxious to see what was wrong, I escaped to the bathroom. It would be the first of many desperate bathroom trips to come.
In a few weeks, Edward had infiltrated my happy, previously temptation lacking life. He was everywhere. Not that I could fault Edward for my dilemma; he was an upstanding person, really, he was. He gave rides to the younger members of the Abstaining for Love Club who couldn't drive, allowing my rusty red Chevy a bit of a lighter load. I knew the young girls all adored him, like I did. Somehow though, I severely doubted that those young girls faced the same desires for Edward that I fought on a daily basis.
I had quickly figured out the motivations behind my body's reactions to Edward and was sickeningly appalled with myself. I said a few prayers, hoping that God could fix my newly developed sexual interest. The more I denied my natural instincts, the more stressed and unhappy I became. It didn't help that I was convinced I was going to hell for my transgressions that, in my mind, bordered the world of satanic promiscuity. I knew I had to do something to end the slippery slope that was sending me into forbidden territory.
The changes were gradual.
I couldn't give up Edward, the unassuming, clean-cut man, who was clueless to the fact that his church clothes made me wet every Sunday. So, instead, I began cutting out other parts of life I blamed for my unquenchable desires. It was comparable to a witch hunt: I irrationally went after my formerly innocent habits and replaced them with religious music and schoolwork. I quit watching movies and television that were even the littlest bit suggestive. My parents were pleased to see my Thursday night addiction to Grey's Anatomy was done with ("That show is so trashy, Bella!" My mother Renee complained). I even replaced bananas as a mid-morning snack with apples – for obvious reasons.
I threw all my suppressed energies into the Abstaining for Love Club, deciding that the good kind of peer pressure would save me from my lusty thoughts. I found that I was more and more often calling it "Sexually Frustrated Anonymous" in the privacy of my own head. I was also daydreaming about sex all the time, something I had never done before. My mother never knew what she had done by giving me the sex talk – it was all too easy to replay those ideas, combined with what I learned from the media, and turn them into wild fantasies that left me breathless and genuinely frustrated.
My growing frustrations led me to the internet. Terrified of my parents finding out what was going on with me, I waited until the house was empty one Saturday before I Googled chastity.
"Chastity dot com," I mumbled the name of the first website I found. My cheeks were on fire as I clicked the link, How Far is Too Far? I had selected that link, putting off reading the link that said, How to Stay Pure. The second one didn't look like it would support my nefarious plans to find a form of release. If I didn't get release soon, I would not be held responsible for what happened…whatever that was.
I concentrated as I read, shaking my head in dismay repeatedly. The website instructed those seeking purity, Do not get technical about drawing a line at virginity, and saying that all else goes… "Don't touch what you don't got."
I didn'tlike that answer at all. I wasn't even sure why I was looking at this. As if wonderful, pure-hearted Edward was even considering the kind of temptations I was. I needed to keep myself grounded in the fact that it was entirely possible that Edward had no interest in me whatsoever. Yet, my instincts said differently – or was that my hormones telling me lies again? My hormones really enjoyed lying to me. They liked to tell me that it was okay to brush against Edward, to touch myself, and basically throw all the rules of celibacy out the window. Hormones, I knew well, were manipulative and I don't know what God was thinking creating them.
I kept reading through the answers on the website, sinking deeper into disappointment. The final nail in my solid oak coffin of sin came when I read, If you're playing out sexual acts in your mind, then this is not pure. It's just teasing you, because the mind is not content with thinking about sex. The more you think of impurities, the more you will want to fulfill those thoughts.
This answer concluded that I was not even permitted to think about Edward in an impure manner. I blanched. That was going to take a lot of practice. Just reading about celibacy was turning me on. I squirmed in my chair, willing my body to relax. Try as I might, my mind and body both remained stubbornly aroused.
I decided to click onto the How to Stay Pure link to save myself from exploding with sexual energy. While it was far more hopeful to me than the How Far is Too Far section, I still didn't like what it said. It quoted someone who was lucky enough to be sexually active, "I began to notice that the more sex I had, the more I wanted. I had always heard that having sex was a way to get rid of sexual tension, but the opposite was true. Having sex increased my desire. It was like a drug. I couldn't stop myself, yet at the same time, I wasn't satisfied at all."
The person struck me as a serious sex addict. I froze in fear, staring wide-eyed at my computer screen. Were my naughty daydreams of Edward Cullen the first step to sex addiction? Was I going to need professional help for my problem? This entire situation was getting out of control.
"It's hopeless!" I cried, clutching my computer mouse with a sweaty hand. I sobbed pathetically for a good half hour about my plight at my desk. I half-expected my loving mother to come in and comfort me, but then I remembered I had purposely made sure no one was around to do my research.
I felt suddenly alone as I sat there in my empty house, despairing about chastity. Perhaps there was more to my unbridled lust than just wanting sex. Maybe this was my subconscious telling me I needed to find someone to be with, who…completed me. True, as busy as I was with church, volleyball, and school, I had never gotten especially close with anyone. I always kept a distance, afraid to show the imperfections that were within me. There was so much pressure to be perfect when you were the pastor's daughter. My mind drifted to Edward. He seemed to be the definition of perfection, yet…there had to be more to it, didn't there?
I erased the search bar history and shut down the computer. I tapped my fingers on the desk, staring at the phone perched there. I had the urge to reach out to Edward, not for the wild sex addiction I may or may not be developing, but as a friend who understood the constrictions of a society that demanded such high standards of purity and the self-control it took to stay in line.
My sweaty hands grappled for the phone and, from memory, I dialed his number. I had called him enough times for church or Club activities that I didn't need to look it up anymore.
Ring…ring…With each ring, my heartbeat accelerated. Now that I had dialed the number, I wasn't so sure this was a very brilliant idea. I hadn't a clue what to say to Edward.
"Hello?" his velvety voice asked.
He recognized me without needing me to declare myself. "Bella? What do you need?" he asked, sounding distracted. Abruptly, I backtracked. It was the middle of a Saturday afternoon. He was probably busy. I felt like an idiot – a very sexually frustrated idiot.
"Oh, I was just going to talk to you about something," I said, unable to lie. My sins were high enough as it was. "It can wait, though, if you're busy."
His words were rushed as he spoke. "No, no, I'm not busy. Is it important?"
I bit my lip, struggling to clear my head of the impure thoughts running rampant around my mind. Was this conversation important? "Not really," I admitted. "I'm serious, it can wait if you're busy."
"Bella, I'm completely free right now if you want to talk."
"All right. Cool." I was feeling increasingly stupid by the minute.
There was a long pause.
"Um, what did you want to talk about?" his mouth had a way of sounding so sexy. It made my tummy flutter, among other things. Then I remembered that I had to come up with something to say.
"It's only…well….I was thinking…about the Club," I stuttered. I discovered that my hands were shaking as I held the cordless phone. I glanced out the window of my bedroom to make sure that my parents were still running errands.
Always patient and caring, Edward encouraged me to continue through my mess of a confession. "What about the Club?"
"You know, about, the whole…Uh," I tried to spit it out, I honestly did. I wanted to explain to him that I was a borderline sex addict and that he was the cause and that I needed a mental cleansing. Instead, I said, "I was just wondering if perhaps we should change the no dating rule for the Club." I was as surprised by what came out of me as Edward was.
I walked over to my bed, flopping down on it to reign in my jitters. "Yeah, I do." I realized this was the truth. I wanted to utterly and completely destroy the no dating rule so it would get me one step closer to dating Edward. I hurried to explain, something I found easy to do, as I had thought about this a few times back when I first joined the Club. "I don't see how promising to be exclusive with one person should make a difference. After all, it's not like we're changing the rest of the rules." I recalled the long list of rules that members were required to read before being inducted into the Club, along with a vow of chastity.
"The rest of the rules?" Edward sounded uneasy.
I was fully in my element, the pastor's daughter had returned. It was all business now. "Yes, of course. While I believe that dating isn't a problem, anything outside of holding hands, hugs, and simple kisses, is clearly out of the question. It leads to impurity." I remembered my lessons from the website. "Even something as innocent seeming as cuddling horizontally can be dangerous."
Our little Club of the sexually frustrated was deathly serious. If a member decided to start dating someone, they were instantly removed from the Club. Originally when the Club was founded several years ago, the only rules had been to stay abstinent, but people found relationships exacerbated the temptation. That was why I thought allowing dating while strictly enforcing the no touch rules, would be a superb compromise.
Edward's voice came out a little deeper when he spoke this time. "I see your point. I suppose plenty of the members want to date, but stay abstinent."
I made a noise of agreement, grabbing my pillow to my chest as I talked. "I know Rosalie and Emmett like each other a lot. Then there's Jasper and Alice…Oh! And I'm pretty sure that Angela and Ben wouldn't mind dating either." I took a minute to reflect on where I was going with this impulsive plan. "Amending the dating rule wouldn't change anything, either, except they could officially be couples."
"I believe…the idea has merit. How do we go about changing the rule?"
We spent the next hour going over possible strategies to get the rule changed. The two of us decided that the best way was to propose a vote, beforehand telling them that it was only a change in the dating rule, not the no touching rules. I was about to hang up, when Edward stopped me.
"Wait a minute, Bella," Edward said. I wanted nothing more than to touch myself while he talked. Deep within me, I managed to find the will not to.
"Yes?" Hoping my voice didn't give away how much I wanted him.
"Was there any particular reason you, personally, wanted to amend the rule?"
I couldn't find it in myself to lie, not with all the sinning I had been up to that day already. I answered truthfully. "Yeah, there was," I said simply. He chuckled lightly.
Then it hit me.
He sounded nervous. Maybe it hadn't been my hormones telling me he liked me after all. Maybe he was hoping…I barely allowed my brain to imagine it.
"May I ask what the reason was?" he inquired.
Again, I opted for the truth. I let out a shy giggle before I replied. "There might be a guy I'm interested in dating."
"Oh?" I could picture his dark eyebrow raised up in amusement.
"Yes." My pulse was soared to new limits and I nearly dropped the phone, my palms had grown so damp with sweat.
"Are you going to tell me who?"
"Nope," I said, popping the 'p' loudly.
Edward chuckled again, still nervous. "Can I take a guess?"
"Nope!" I laughed. I prayed my laughter didn't sound as strained as I felt.
"C'mon, Bella, you can tell me. You know I'll only keep bugging you until you do."
"Okay, how about this, is there anyone you would be interested in dating if the no dating rule is kicked?"
I could practically see the boy tensing on the other end of the phone at my question.
"There is," he admitted. I wanted to scream with joy. First, Edward was playing along. Second, that lucky girl could be me!
"All right, if you tell me, I'll tell you," I conceded, with loaded apprehension. There was a lot of fear that he was going to say "Tanya" or "Lauren", but I couldn't resist the hope that was about to burst out of my chest that it was me he wanted (wanted in a pure love sort of way, naturally. Edward wasn't a dirty pervert like I was).
"Hmm." He was intrigued. "I suppose I could do that."
I laughed. "It's so junior high, isn't it?"
"Completely. We may officially be adults now, but that doesn't mean we have to act like one, does it?" God, I was in love with his voice. To think, in a few seconds, I could potentially have him as a boyfriend. I stomped down the impending fantasies that threatened to bubble to the surface.
"Err…do we want to do this on the count of three?" I suggested.
Edward gave a noncommittal noise. "Sure."
"Should I count – or do you want to?" I asked, delaying having to give away one of my deepest secrets.
"It doesn't matter."
"You aren't going to flake out and not say her name, are you?"
"Bella. You know me. I wouldn't do something like that," he said, feigning hurt.
"Okay, okay, let's do this. On the count of three, we say the name of the person we like."
"Perfect, let's get our junior high on," Edward said and I knew he was trying as hard as I was to sound calm and collected.
"Ready?" I sure wasn't.
I started the countdown that would either end in joy or extreme awkwardness. "One, two…three!"
"You," we both blurted out in unison. We also both erupted into nervous laughter after our mutual confession. Despite that this was exactly what I had been hoping for; I didn't know what to do now that it had happened.
Unthinkingly, I told him, "We should definitely get that no dating rule taken care of."
Our conversation ended in a rush when I heard my parents' car pull up. "I'll call you later," he assured me. The nervousness in his voice absent.
"I'd love that," I said. I was happier than I'd been since I had figured out what was going on with my body's reactions to Edward.
By that evening, sadly, the happiness had faded. Knowing that Edward returned my feelings to some degree, the temptation for impurity felt even worse than before. As unmanageable as my desires were, I came to the conclusion that I would have to put my and Edward's purity into his hands. My hands were greedy and wanted to grope his delicious body.
The next morning at church, Edward and I could not stop glancing back and forth at each other. At one point, my mother elbowed me to get me to bow my head for a prayer. It was at that point, I knew with a great conviction that I was going to hell. There was no amount of repentance that could save me. If nothing else, I would do my best not to take Edward with me - even if that meant getting married before college.
To maintain that my intentions toward him were as pure as possible, I decided to speak with my parents at lunch that afternoon about changing the dating rule for the Club. I waited until everyone had been eating for a short while before I brought up the topic. Full stomachs were always better to negotiate on than empty ones.
"Mom, dad, can I get your opinions on something?"
Their eyes studied me and I tried to look as angelic as I could; a difficult task when my mind was tainted with wicked dreams and wants.
"Sure, dear. What is it?" Renee had a look of interest on her face when she turned to me. I hated deceiving her, since usually she and I were so close, but this was a necessity. I knew my mother would not approve of my thoughts about Edward Cullen. I couldn't even begin to imagine how my father would react; that was enough material for a week of nightmares.
I cleared my throat unnecessarily. "You know the Club, right?" There was no need to refer to the full name of the Club. It was cheesy and embarrassed most of the members anyway.
"What about it?" Charlie asked through a mouth full of food.
"Well…I have been thinking of instigating a new rule." I braced myself stiffly in my chair for oncoming questions.
My father was automatically suspicious. "Oh? Something tells me this isn't a rule to make it stricter. The vows you kids take for chastity can't get any more severe." I blushed furiously when he said the word chastity. No one wants to hear those words come out of their father's mouth at the dinner table.
"No, but it really won't be changing anything," I said, trying to find my confidence.
"What do you want to do, Bella?" Renee could always be relied on to cut to the chase.
"I want to revoke the dating rule while still enforcing the other ones," I said in one very rushed breath. The vein in my father's forehead bulged out frighteningly, so I charged forward before he started lecturing. "You see, there are several members who like each other. It wouldn't be anything more than being allowed to say it to each other and everyone else," I explained. "No one's going to start having sex, if that's what you're thinking."
Charlie looked down at his plate and I knew that the last part of my proposal was all he had been thinking of.
"It's a lovely idea, dear. You teens are so responsible I trust no one to break their vows of abstinence." My mother could always be counted on to be supportive. "Though, I think the rule should only be allowed for those who are eighteen. I just…don't see some of the parents of the younger students supporting this."
I nodded, realizing that this suggestion made a lot of sense. Plus, everyone I knew in the Club who wanted to start dating were all eighteen now. "That should be acceptable," I said. "That still opens up a few couples who can take advantage of the rule change before going to college. To be honest, right now I feel as if the no dating rule is keeping people apart." Like me and Edward.
"Are you one of those couples?" Charlie asked gruffly. It was as if he'd honed into exactly what I had just thought.
I was sure the flush to my cheeks was an answer enough to him, yet I went for the honest answer. Honesty when possible was all I had going for me. "Yes, I guess so."
"You and the Cullen boy, am I right?" At that moment, my father had lost all remnants of his pastor identity - he was an unadulterated overprotective father.
"I expect his intentions toward you are honorable?" Charlie interrogated.
"Yes, dad," then to myself, "Goodness this is embarrassing."
"Isabella, I will have to call up his parents about this before I want you to say anything to the rest of the Club about it."
I nodded, deciding to call Edward and give him a heads up immediately after lunch.
Renee smiled coyly at me. "I knew something was going on today at church. You two couldn't take your eyes off one another." That was unusually perceptive of Renee. I worried that she could also have picked up on the incredibly carnal way I ogled Edward in his Sunday best.
I excused myself from the table to clear my head from all the dirty ideas running through my mind of how to trick the gentlemanly Edward into bed.
Edward and I spent the days preceding Friday night, where I would propose kicking the no dating rule to the curb, eyeing each other surreptitiously. On my own, I was approaching my classmates personally about the plan. Just as I had predicted, Alice, Jasper, Rosalie, Emmett, Angela, and Ben, all backed me up with nearly as much excitement as myself. Jessica Stanley was the lone person that seemed less than eager, but I had a feeling that was only because of the way Edward had been acting around me. Edward was by no means an unpopular item on the market. He was going to be high in demand once the Club allowed dating. Thank the Lord I had dibs on him. It made me one step closer to my ultimate goal.
On the other side of things, when I had approached Mike Newton about the subject, he had stared at my conservative green cardigan with hungry eyes. I folded my arms across my chest and escaped from his clutches as fast as I could without being impolite. Ugh, he was a creeper. Not a bad person by any means, yet still a definite creeper.
Friday night, before we indulged in a vigorous game of miniature golf, we voted on the amendment to the rules which was passed successfully. I noticed that before the first round of the game, Emmett and Rosalie were already holding hands and grinning brightly at one another. The other couples-to-be were looked on jealously, me included.
Edward gave me a sly, crooked smile before he putted the ball perfectly into the hole - I prayed for strength to keep his pure soul whole. I wanted to both corrupt and sustain his respectabilities. Sometimes, the conflict within me was intolerable.
My place in hell was growing warmer by the day.
"So…Bella, when are you and Edward getting together?" Alice, my closest female friend, asked me quietly when we had a moment alone during the game. I had said absolutely nothing to her about my fall off the wagon of chaste thoughts. We were close, but not that close.
I shrugged and tried not to seem guilty. "Whenever he asks, I suppose."
"You two will be official in no time. I don't think he'll leave you open to Mike's…enthusiasm." I glanced at Mike, who was gawking at me openly. He winked when he caught my glance. Burning with humiliation, I elbowed Alice who was giggling into her hand.
"Lord, save me from Mike Newton," I said faithfully. I idly deliberated if God listened to sinners.
"You mean, Edward save you," Alice teased. I added another prayer to my list: Lord, save Edward Cullen from the inner prostitute I was currently channeling while watching his hot body play mini golf.
At that moment, Edward and Jasper interrupted us.
"Miss Alice, ma'am, may I have the honor of escorting you to the Eiffel Tower?" Jasper requested in a Southern drawl, bowing and taking Alice's hand.
She turned pink, but played along. "Merci, Monsieur Jasper."
The two disappeared, still holding hands. I realized Edward was standing awfully close to me.
"Those two are ridiculous," he chuckled. "Bad Texas accent meets horrid French accent – what will their children sound like?"
"Probably like Janice from Friends," I said, expecting Edward to laugh at the joke about the nasally voiced Janice.
Instead he was puzzled. "Who?"
"You don't watch Friends, do you?" Neither did I, as of late. With my easily swayed dirty mind, I could only watch the Disney channel these days.
"No," he looked uncomfortable. "My parents didn't really approve of the…shall we say, promiscuous habits of the characters." He waggled his eyebrows at me; his green eyes alit with humor. Simply hearing Edward say promiscuous had me soaking my panties. How humiliating. Unfortunately, he took my reaction as a disapproving gesture. "Oh, I'm sorry, I apologize. Don't – I mean, sorry. Please don't take that the wrong way. I am…I shouldn't have implied…"
"Edward, it's fine," I quieted him. "I'm the one who watches Friends; admittedly, without my parents' complete approval." I waited for him to run away, to realize my inherently immoral nature.
I could tell he was surprised. I held my breath. "The pastor's daughter watching illicit television sitcoms without parental permission? The horror!" I relaxed. He wasn't judging me harshly after all. "I heard it's a funny show, actually," he said conversationally. We were still standing, the rest of the Club far ahead of us now.
"I hope you aren't forever appalled that the pastor's daughter watches Friends," I joked, but he picked up on the seriousness to my inquiry.
Edward then did something utterly out of character: he rolled his eyes and said, "Oh, Bella, it's not like you were watching porn." His eyes flew open in shock realizing what he had blurted out. I was sure I reflected the same degree of shock. I was frozen in place, my heart pounding furiously.
Edward Cullen, all things good and right in the world, had brought up porn in a conversation with the pastor's daughter. The pastor's daughter who wasn't even meant to know what porn was. Then again, the pastor's daughter wasn't meant to be watching television shows about promiscuous people either.
It was days like this I wished my church were more liberal. I knew some churches were like that; allowed people to have pre-marital sex and not be judged negatively for it, allowed people to swear on occasion without being cursed to hell.
Edward and I stood in the middle of the mini golf park, unable to make eye contact again. I searched for the appropriate thing to say in this situation. Play dumb and ask him what porn was? Change the subject? Demand he demonstrate precisely what happened in pornographic videos?
That last one alerted me to the fact that I was fantastically turned on by this fascinating conversation. What worldly people didn't know was that growing up in an ultra conservative atmosphere made a girl susceptible to being aroused by even the remotest references to sexual activity.
Finally, Edward broke me from my reverie. "I…cannot express how deeply sorry I am for what I said. That was inappropriate. I can't help myself when I'm around you. My filter breaks or something," he repeatedly ran his fingers through his hair as he spoke.
I wanted to tell him to throw the filter out the window and take me now! But somehow I managed to say the proper thing. "I understand. You don't need to worry. I'm not going to faint at the word porn," I scoffed.
I noted that Edward was flushed by this point, only adding to his attractiveness. I wanted nothing more than to assure him that I wasn't upset with him. It sucked being the pastor's daughter. No one felt comfortable with me, always fearing I would judge them (or worse, tell my pastor father on them).
"I…I like you so much, Bella, I want to be good enough for you," he whispered. I took a step closer to him, so that we were barely six inches apart.
"I like you, too, remember?" I smiled bravely up at him. "You're going to have to do a lot more than say the word porn to get rid of me." His lips parted in a gasp as I said this and I was curious as to why. Unexplainably, I looked down and saw what would win the night as most astonishing event.
Edward Cullen was sporting a true and mighty erection. Even a virgin like me could not deny what was directly in front of her. In two seconds I had gone from turned on, to, dare I say it, horny as hell.
I stared at the lump in his pants, saliva pooling in my mouth.
Abruptly, my staring was interrupted by a pale hand covering my line of vision. I suppressed a noise of disappointment when I could no longer see the evidence of his arousal.
"Oh, crap! What is wrong with me?" I heard Edward muttering as he turned away from me. I realized Edward had caught me staring. Not blaming it on my horndog ways, he probably thought I was staring in revulsion, as opposed to pleasure. I also realized another very important factor to our budding relationship.
Edward thought he was going to corrupt me. I forced myself not to laugh aloud at this revelation. I also barely restrained myself from jumping his bones. Suddenly my plans for lots and lots of hot sex were in reach.
I knew now was an opportune moment to make my move. I had to only say a few words…
But I couldn't do it. What if Edward was disgusted with me? What if he was fighting his urges? Unlike me. He was an eighteen-year-old boy, I reminded my hormones. That was what they did: act horny. Edward probably had it in his head that he was valiantly suppressing his hormones to keep my purity in place.
I wrinkled my nose at that; displeased that having my way with Edward might be more difficult than I thought.
"Edward," I said, losing my confidence, "It's okay. I know what you're going through. Temptation is a tough thing to deal with. I may be a girl, but I fight with it everyday." I let the words hang in the air, his deep breaths the only sound besides some muffled voices in the distance.
I spent the rest of the evening convincing him I didn't mind at all that he had gotten hard in front of me. He was aghast that he had lost control of himself like that. I was disappointed he was determined for it to not happen again.
In spite of all the trouble we'd had on Friday, on Sunday, Edward officially asked me to be his girlfriend. Our parents couldn't have been prouder. They, along with the rest of our congregation, saw us at the perfect role models for how teenage relationships should be.
If only they knew about the nearly irrepressible desires I had to strip Edward naked in the Sunday school room and sin, sin, sin.
Our relationship progressed relatively slowly. Holding hands was such a novelty that I was content to do nothing but that for a week. After that, I purposefully hugged him. He'd been avoiding it, I had figured out, because of the whole erection incident. So I gave him a hug goodbye without any warning whatsoever. It was not one of those church hugs, either – the kind where you lean in, in such a way that your breasts don't touch the other person. No, it was a full chest-to-chest hug. My breasts pressed deliciously against him and I swooned. I'm not sure, but I think little Eddie twitched in Edward's pants.
I wanted to kiss him, yet I had some serious qualms on how to go about it. Theoretically, the Club designated that only simple pecks were allowed. I wanted more. A lot more. Still, I knew I had to put this progression of our relationship into Edward's hands. I was indecent and sex starved. Poor Edward was going to have to keep us in check. I made up my mind to let him kiss me when he wanted to. I made up my mind. I wouldn't pressure him and I wouldn't tongue him when he did finally kiss me.
To give Edward incentive to kiss me, I started doing little things to make myself look more…alluring. I applied my cherry Chapstick heavily, since wearing makeup was forbidden in my household, Chapstick was all I could have. I also made sure to always have a mint in my mouth, just in case. Lastly, I tried to draw attention to my lips whenever I could. I would put a pencil to my lips to think, nibble on my bottom lip "nervously", or lick my lips in hunger.
It worked better than I thought it would.
"Hey, Bella, how was practice?" Edward asked, picking me up after volleyball. The two of us had agreed that it would be an easy way for us to spend time together if he and I drove home from our respective sports practices after school.
I buckled my seatbelt, pleased to be driven around in something nicer than my rusty old truck. Edward's silver Volvo was comfortable and warm, compared to the rainy cold outside.
"Practice was good. Coach is getting a little extreme on the lunges though." I winced. "My thighs are killing me."
Edward flinched a bit when I said thighs. I smirked and hoped that today was the day he would finally kiss me. We'd officially been a couple for over two weeks now. That was plenty of time, wasn't it? I was barely restraining myself from taking matters into my own hands. Maybe I could get him to massage my sore thighs…
I jerked myself out of my meandering thoughts and spent the ride home to my house, discussing the differences in our regimented practice schedules.
"Volleyball players have to jump, just like basketball players!" I laughed. "How do you think we spike the ball?"
Edward grinned. "I think I need to come to one of your games to observe your jumping skills."
He pulled the care up into my driveway. I studied my house – both my parents were gone. It was Tuesday night, which meant Renee was leading Bible Study for the Adult Singles group and Charlie was over at the Reservation hanging out with Billy Black.
This was the perfect opportunity.
I unbuckled my seatbelt, not reaching for the handle yet. "Do you…want to come inside?" I cringed inwardly at the shyness in my tone.
Edward's green eyes went to my darkened house. "I don't know…" He sounded unsure. I wondered if the temptation would be too much for him inside, alone with me. Secretly, I prayed that it would be.
"Do you have to be home soon?" I asked innocently.
"No…I guess I can come in for a bit." Edward turned off the ignition and a swarm of butterflies invaded my stomach as we both got out of the car. Edward grabbed my volleyball bag for me, while I shouldered my backpack and headed to the door of my house. I fumbled anxiously for the key to unlock it. The mere chance to be alone with Edward in my house was enough to have me soaking my plain, church girl underwear. They were a stereotypical white color, naturally.
As we entered the hallway, we tossed my bags into the closet, before I addressed him. "Would you like a tour of la casa de Swan?" I was going to hell for tricking Edward into my bedroom.
I started with the kitchen, before leading him into the living room. "It's not much," I said, blushing. "My dad is just a pastor, you know." I remembered that Edward's father was a doctor and probably had much nicer things in his living room than we did. My face grew a brighter red as I realized all my hideous school photos were up above the mantel of the fireplace.
"Let's go upstairs," I said, interrupting whatever Edward was about to say. With each step closer to my bedroom, I was plotting ways to seduce Edward. Most of them were naïvely humorous, while one of them was straightforward: strip naked and pounce on him.
I watched as Edward entered my bedroom, his face tense. I wondered if he was catching on to my poor attempts at seduction.
"Well, this is my room," I said, gesturing widely to my unexciting room. The blue bedding matched blue curtains, and all the furniture was white. It was probably a little too feminine to be sexy, but I was hoping the fact that it was a bedroom would make up for the girly ambiance that radiated from my belongings.
"It's nice," Edward said, shifting his weight. He looked both out of place and perfect in my bedroom. The horny hooker inside me smiled devilishly. This was exactly where I wanted him.
I stood less than a foot in front of him, impatient. His eyes were curiously fixed on my bed and I took a deep breath, unable to wait a minute longer for what I had been dreaming about for weeks.
"Are you going to kiss me or what?" I hadn't meant to sound so rude, but there really seemed to be no other way.
"Pardon?" Edward choked out. I took the liberty of pressing closer and pouted my lips.
I struggled to retain my self-esteem. "Don't you…want to?"
"Want to?" Edward reiterated. "Kiss you?"
I nodded, willing my blush to die down.
"I do…very much so," he admitted softly. I shivered in delight. I tilted my up, eager for his lips against mine. He wasn't looking at me.
"What's wrong?" I asked. The rejection hit me like a wall of bricks. He must know what a slut I am on the inside of my pastor's daughter exterior.
He reached for my hand. We were both shaking.
"Bella?" he asked, his hand gripping mine tightly.
"Yes?" I braced myself for the inevitable; for him to end our newly made relationship.
"I love you."
I turned to him in shock, my eyes comically wide. His green eyes reflected similar shock. It had a close likeness to the night he had accidentally mentioned porn. "That wasn't what I meant to say," he said. "Though, I have never been more truthful in my life."
"Ed-Edward…" I stumbled over his name. "I love you, too." The words gained power as I said them for the first time. I had known the second he said it to me, that I loved him back. Possibly, I began to love him the first day we met. It was as if we were destined to fall in love, no matter how ridiculous that sounded, even to a jaded pastor's daughter like me. I wondered if there was more to my sexual attraction than just sexual attraction. Perhaps it was a way to bring us together.
"Now that you know how I really feel about you, and knowing that you feel the same." His face glowed as he said the last part. "I need to tell you something, I don't ever want there to be secrets between us."
"Of course not," I approved.
"First, I want you to know that I would never do anything you didn't want, ever. But…my thoughts, on the other hand…are completely sinful when it comes to you."
As if the ground was literally moving beneath my feet, I toppled over, thankfully landing on the bed. Instantly, he was beside me, his face a mix of concern and terror. A complete turn about from the loving glow from a moment ago.
"What…do you mean?" I asked breathlessly.
"I'm sorry, love," he murmured. Then he looked me straight in the eye and held out the forbidden fruit in his hands. "Ever since I met you, I have been tormented by the most fowl, vulgar, and impure thoughts about you."
In the back of my mind, Handel's Hallelujah Chorus began playing triumphantly.
"Oh, Edward!" I exclaimed joyfully, before I pounced on him in a passionate hug. "Me too! Thank the Lord! I thought….I thought it was only me!" I revealed foolishly.
"You – you what?" Edward was confused by my eagerness.
I leaned back, realizing I had straddled him down on my bed. "You know, feel the same way."
"The…the same way?" His eyes were dilated, making his dark green eyes standout fiercely against his pale skin.
"Yes, exactly. Impure," - panty soaking- "thoughts and everything." I told him.
He was still adorably baffled. "Bella, you are not reacting…how I predicted you would."
"How did you predict I would react?" I demanded, suddenly annoyed.
"You're the pastor's daughter!" Edward said, in way of explanation. I crossed my arms over my chest, frustrated.
"I'm not the innocent angel you must have thought you were dating." It hurt me to acknowledge that Edward loved the exterior pastor's daughter, more than the real me inside. I had believed that with all our past conversations, he would have understood…
"Bella, trust me, that's not it. I love you, no matter what impure thoughts you've been having. I'm just shocked, is all. I never dreamed that you could feel the same. Exactly the same. I thought you could love me, but not…want me as much as I want you." His hand reached up to cup my cheek lovingly. I melted into his touch. "It's like you were made to be with me."
I smiled at him, happiness cascading in waves inside me. "I do want you, Edward. Badly." I paused, debating if I should really tell him the truth. I stormed forth. "Why do you think you're in my bedroom, unsupervised for the next several hours?"
Edward noticeably gulped.
Then, he surprised me. He rolled us over so that I was pressed beneath him on the bed. I felt his erection pressing into my hip as he gently took directed my head into a sweet, perfect kiss. As we attempted to get more…ardent, it got sloppier, but we basked in the heaven of our lips against one another. We had all the time in the world to become professional kissers.
For some unfathomable reason, however, we were not so patient to stay virgins any longer. Sex was about the only priority we had at that moment.
Our inexpert kisses fueled the flames of our sex-starved bodies. I was whimpering and breathing heavily into his ear at his feather light touches. Edward was still trapped behind his church boy façade – wanting to go further, yet held back by his prim sensibilities.
"Edward…Please?" I pleaded.
He panted heavily in my ear, his hips rubbing against my body instinctually. "B-Bella…I…I don't know. It's wrong. I want to do things right by y-you." The last word came out as a choked off groan as I ground my hips against him.
"We're going to hell anyway," I pointed out logically. "We might as well have some fun first."
His green eyes met mine and I saw the lust within them. Edward wanted this as much as I did, if not more. "Lord, love, you are going to be the death of me," he sighed heavily. His eyes widened as something dawned on him. "We don't even have…condoms," his hissed out the last word like it was a curse.
I giggled playfully, about to wield my secret weapon. "Silly Edward. I'm on the pill."
Edward's gasp of breath was enough to send bodily juices leaking out of me. "Really?" He was awed.
"Yes," I shrugged off my embarrassment. "My doctor suggested it a couple years ago, for medical reasons."
"So…we could actually…"
"Yeah," I agreed.
Immediately, his lips were back on mine, but his hands were on my t-shirt. "Always wearing these non-revealing clothes," Edward was muttering under his breath. "Makes me want to rip them off you." I moaned wantonly at his words; he pulled my t-shirt off.
He fervently studied my partially exposed breasts. "Sweet heaven, this is better than porn."
I quirked an eyebrow up at his handsome, shell-shocked face. "Porn, Edward?"
Edward was automatically ashamed. "I…I'm sorry, Bella. I'm not…I'm not as perfect as you must think I am - son of the caring, incorruptible Dr. Cullen and all that. That's who you were expecting; who you love…I will understand if you…want to stop." His eyes begged me not to.
"You idiot," I chastised softly. "I love you. No matter how much porn you watch. Though, I'd really like for you to explain how you can get away with watching porn and have still never seen an episode of Friends." I maneuvered myself so my legs were wrapped tightly around his waist. "But that can wait until later. Much later," I kissed him again, and once more we fell into a frenzy of wild hormones.
Ten minutes later we were naked as they day we were born, back when we were sinless and pure. It was ironic that returning to that state held such opposite connotations as an adult. Nakedness, in my opinion, was by far the most heavenly experience I had had on earth. Edward was like an angel: toned and hard. God, he was hard. I swallowed down a pool of saliva that formed from staring at his remarkable erection.
I reached out my arms to pull him closer. He hesitated. I panicked, awaiting the blows of rejection. I didn't think I could get over that – much less discontinue our burgeoning affair.
"Are you sure you want to do this?" Edward asked me. My fears of rejection subsided with a heady wave of bliss.
I bit my lip, too far gone to stop now. "Are you sure you want to do this?" I gave him one last copout.
He chuckled, pressing his lips clumsily to my neck. "I've decided as long as I'm going to hell, I might as well do it thoroughly."
"You read my mind," I murmured, at last, pulling his warm body up against me. I was overwhelmed by all the skin. I hadn't imagined how divine it would feel.
"Mhm," Edward moaned into my neck, "Can I…?" The question hung in the air. I didn't need to ask for clarification for what he meant.
"Yes," I replied with the utmost sincerity I had ever felt.
He spread my legs farther apart and nestled himself in between them as comfortably as he could. Everything was so new to us, so foreign, that all our movements were awkward. I enjoyed every minute of it.
I tensed, awaiting the pain of losing my virginity. I felt his member sliding against me, causing my body to quake with desire. It was unbelievably hot; everywhere my body was touching his was on fire.
"Um, Bella?" he asked after a few moments of the delicious pleasure against my folds.
I tilted my head up to see him and he had a tormented expression on his face. "What is it?"
"Help?" I asked.
He nodded his head down to where our bodies were nearly joined together. "It's…hard to find…" he trailed off, flustered.
The corners of my lips twitched, but I kept myself under control. "Here," I offered, ever-so-carefully taking his erection into my hand. Together, we guided him inside me. There was an uncomfortable stretching at first, then more and more pain as he ripped through my hymen.
I chewed on my lip to hold back tears.
Edward grunted above me and I realized how considerate he was being. He was resisting thrusting, aware of my agony. The pain had lessened enough by then, that I wriggled my hips.
"Please, move, Edward," I instructed into his ear.
I heard him let out a sigh of relief as he began thrusting unevenly into my wet core. Each thrust was accompanied by a perilously heightened tension. I wasn't certain what I wanted, only that I wanted release. It was that same release I had been searching for all these months. Regrettably, just as I felt that release was about to happen, Edward began pounding gloriously fast into me until, I ascertained, he came.
I was both disappointed and happy. I was beyond aroused that I had helped Edward come – even if he had, technically, done most of the work. I was mostly a passive participant in our sexual exchange. I simply wished I had been able to find some relief along with him.
Edward was breathing heavily above me, his toned body covered in a thin sheen of sweat. I noticed that his come was leaking out of my body a little bit. God, even that was a turn on.
"Bella…holy heaven, that was - "
"Amazing?" I offered with an uncontainable grin.
"Exactly," he said. He looked down at my naked form, a puzzled furrow in his brow. "You didn't…"
I blushed. I had hoped he wouldn't pick up on it. "I was close," I whispered, shy again.
"Well, we can't have that," Edward said, huskily.
"We…can't?" I squeaked, as I noticed him scooting down the bed. His messy bronze hair tickled my thighs.
"No. I want you to feel as much heaven as you gave me a few minutes ago," he told me. With that, he cautiously slipped two fingers inside me and pressed his tongue to the most sensitive part of my body. I cried out at the pure, magnificent joy that assaulted me.
His tongue was flicking against me, unsure, but persevering on. I squirmed beneath his touch, forcing him to grip my hips to keep me still. I was getting closer, closer, closer to that precious release. I knew it. I was about to fall over that elusive edge…
"Edward…Edward!" I screamed as I felt an orgasm accost me senses for the first time. Quickly figuring out what had happened, Edward stopped his ministrations to look up at me.
I must have been a mess: sweaty, dazed, and shaking from the aftermath, but Edward didn't seem to agree. "You look…so hot," he sighed with his crooked grin again.
"Thanks, you ain't so bad yourself," I giggled, pulling at his bare shoulders to bring him back against me.
"How are you?" he asked. I saw that the glow from his own orgasm had not faded.
"Totally and completely satisfied for the first time in, well, forever," I said frankly. "I've never…had an…orgasm before."
He was shocked again. "You haven't?" I took his reaction to mean that he was likely a pro at orgasms. I didn't feel the condescension I thought I would at that piece of information. I wondered what he looked like when he masturbated…
I dragged myself from my thoughts and answered his question, "No, never."
Edward's face changed from shocked, to astounded, to proud. His ego was given quite the boost from my statement, apparently.
"Wow," was all he could say.
The website was correct, I ruminated to myself. Having sex had definitely only increased my want of it. I wanted to have Edward all over again that very minute, but I worried that my mother would come home soon. I explained that to Edward, and we decided to get dressed.
Decent once more, we went down to my living room. We sat down on our couch, cuddling close for several minutes of silence.
"I can't believe we did that," Edward murmured, kissing my forehead.
"Me either." I paused. "Does this mean we have to quit the Club?"
He broke into laughter. "Probably, but…I think our parents might catch on if we did that. It wouldn't be a bad idea to stay in the Club, for appearances sake."
Edward brought me into a deep kiss. "I love you," he rasped against my lips.
"I love you," I replied.
"You're worth breaking every rule for."
I smiled. "You are too." We were quiet again, when a problem occurred to me. "Do you think we can fool everyone about our…intimacy?"
He was quiet as he thought it over. "For awhile. After that, we can just get married."
Bella Cullen? I loved it. Being with Edward forever? Loved it.
"I like the sound of that."
"It's settled then. We can get married before we start college."
Now it was my turn to laugh. "Edward. My dad will never go for that."
"Mine either," Edward said mischievously, "But we'll tell them it's that or living in sin. That should get their blessings." My innocent, sweet Edward – he was a manipulating plotter after my own heart.
We spent the rest of the time until my parents arrived home, planning our future together. We discussed graduation, college, possible careers and children. However, repeatedly the conversation kept returning to when we could make love again. No matter how forbidden it was, the can of worms had been opened and there was no returning to the way things were before: I didn't want to.
If it came down to it, if pre-marital sex with Edward Cullen meant an eternity in hell, I would gladly go into its fiery pits. But, if heaven was on a cloud with prudish twits, I'll pass anyway. My heaven allows people to express their love for one another without being punished. I even bet they have sex in my heaven.
Eternity couldn't come soon enough…
Author's Note: I don't own the instructions from chastity dot com. That is a real website you can go and entertain yourselves on. You can't say I don't promote chastity! Also, I would like to say that I didn't mean to offend anyone with the religious content of the story. I thought the idea for this story would go well with the contest, but it also addressed real issues that most people don't talk about when writing smut that have definitely influenced my life.
I have nothing against pre-marital or post-marital sex. Do what you wanna do, my friends. As a note to the story, I will say that I hope you picked up on the subtle changes that developed on Bella's opinion on sex. By the end of the story, she's using words like angelic, divine, heavenly…Basically, she decided that sex with someone she loved wasn't a sin to her at all.
If you liked it, please vote!