At Red base...

"Grif, I highly doubt this will put you in Sarge's good graces." Said a man in maroon armor.

"C'mon! You know how much Sarge loves that gun! He likes it more than you as a matter of fact," said the man in yell... I mean orange armor.

"This isn't gonna end well," was all Simmons could say at the moment.

A mere few moments later...

"Simmons! This is the greatest gift ever! You fixed my gun, polished it, and even equiped it with Grif-seeking bullets! How thoughtful!" said an unusually happy Sarge.

"Grif, you dumbass! Why would you put Grif-seeking bullets, if you know if it's gonna end up shooting you? Do you have a deathwish?!" Simmons said shocked at his stupidity.

"Well, I know Sarge likes it. So, maybe in that thick skull of his, he'll maybe make me do less stuff. He's been on my ass all day telling me to work harder. Can you believe it? Me? Work at all, let alone hard? Geez..." Grif said, not caring to look in Simmons' direction while he watched TV.

"Grif, you realize you're probably going to get shot in the ass every time Sarge fires a Grif round."

"So what? Bettet getting shot at than actually getting off my ass..."

Sarge was running in the room, with his shotgun. He fired the gun in a random area and the bullets re-directed to Grif's direction, and got him in the crotch.

"OW! What the fuck man?!" Grif said, as he cupped his family jewels.

"Simmons! I must say, this is super effective! There is no finer weapon in the Red Army, if I do say so myself!" Sarge said, amazed.

"Actually sir, it was Grif who made it," Simmons corrected.

"What...?! Grif! This is a piece of crap! Now I'm gonna have to get it replaced by Command! Damn it! You missed a bunch off spots when polishing it, and you polished too much on other places! The pieces are replaced with a bunch of parts from other guns! What kind of use is a pistol grip on a shotgun! Seriously? And your Grif bullets are inaccurate!" Sarge said frustrated. He fired at Grif once more, and the bullets targeted Grif and shot him in the stomach while he was still down.

"OW! Damn it, what do you mean 'innaccurate?!'"

"If these were real Grif bullets, they'd immediatly target the head, and kill you, but at the same time, bring you back to life so I can kill you again! This is a disgrace! Go out and actually do something, Dirtbag!"

"Yes sir," Grif said sighing.

"Lopez! Get your shiny metal keister over here, pronto! C'mon, rapido!"

"Si, senor?" (Yes, sir?) Lopez said as he walked over, before Sarge even finished the sentence.

"Modify this gun, so it can fire bullets like I just described earlier, and would you test it on Grif?"

"El hombre anaranjada? Por supuesto!" (The orange man? Of course!")

"Hehe. That's my boy. Now go on, now Go muy rapido con burrito taco and stuff, por favor!"

"Tu Espanol es horrible." (Your Spanish is horrible.)

"I hate Grif too, Lopez. With a passion."

Meanwhile, outside...

"Damn it, this sucks. Why did I still get my ass chewed by him? I did everything flawlessly," Grif whined.

"Well, because Sarge hates you with a passion. And because you suck," Simmons said.

"No, you suck!" Grif retorted.

"You suck, cuz you are a lazy ass."

"You suck, cuz you are a kiss ass."

"You suck, cuz your sister is a colorblind slut on the Blue Team!"

"Oh! You got me! You suck, cuz you never had a father and your mom never liked you and you have to treat Sarge like your Daddy."

"You... dickhead!" Simmons cried, as he ran away.

"Hmph. Pussy."

To the Blues...

"Okay... there it is. Caboose, you said you were friends with one of those guys?" Church asked.

"Yeah. Her name was... Dunkin' or something..." Caboose said.

"Alright then. See if this person is guarding a door, then distract him."

"Distract? How do I do that?"

"Erm... cancel that order. Play a game with him. A very long game and keep him occupied, because I think he or she might really be bored out there..." Church said trying to say it in a way Caboose understands. Caboose nodded and headed his way.

"Pray to God..."

Back at Red base...

"Hey, Donut!" Grif called.

"Yes? What is it? This better be worth missing Access Hollywood!" The pink clad man responded.

"Well, Sarge wants you to be on guard duty."

"Hmm... I don't know... I'm pretty sure that Sarge would've told me himself..."

"Did I mention Brad Pitt coming over? Cause I mean... I can get someone else to welcome hi-"

"OMG! Brad Pitt?! O-M-G!!! Wow! No, I'll wait here! Finally, I can get his autograph! And smack him upside the head for leaving Jen! God, Angelina is a slut!"

"Er... okay... just sit out here for a few hours," Grif said leaving Donut.

"Wow. Brad Pitt! What a piece of man candy!" Donut said with giddy excitement, though even he himself is unaware of how much gayer he is getting day by day. Then, Donut heard a voice.

"Hi, Muffin Man!"

"Brad Pitt!?"

"No, it's me! Caboose! Remember me?"

"Oh, hi Caboose! Have you seen Brad Pitt anywhere?"


"Oh. Well, what are you doing here, Caboose?"

"I was wondering, if you want to play a game or something."

"Oh, really? How about hopscotch?"

"That sounds like fun!" Caboose said. A few moments later, he saw the rest of the Blues attempting to sneak in. "Wait a minute... that looks like... Church! Church! Hi! What'cha doing?" Caboose yelled.

"Caboose, shut the fuck up!" Church whispered.

"What?!" Caboose yelled.

"What are you do- Oh my god! Intruders! Intruders! They've penetrated our defenses!" Donut yelled on his Radio.

The Blues quickly ran inside the base, while Grif and Simmons were outside.

"Damn it! Way to go, dipshit! Because of you, the Blues infiltrated our base! You are a horrible outside guard!" Simmons said.

"No, maybe I don't suck. Maybe you suck, because you guard the inside, and you just came out here, letting the Blues inside, and having Sarge fend them off himself. What kind of soldier are you?!" Grif shot back.

"Oh my god, you're right! I'm coming, Sarge!"


To the Blues...

"Damn. This didn't go too smoothly. We suck at penetrating these defenses," Church complained.

"Maybe you should've just sent me! I know a thing or two about penetrating! Bow chicka bow wow!" Tucker said.

As they tried to look around for an armory, Sarge and Lopez stormed the room!"

"Time to die, dirtbags!" Sarge yelled. He fired his gun, but however, the bullets fired and redirected outside killing Grif, but ressurecting him at the same time. "Lopez, did you throw away all the ammo I had and replaced it with Grif-round like I told you to?"

"Si. Yo tengo." (Yes. I have.)

"Well, disregard that order, and fish out the rest of my normal ammo."


While everbody was guns a blazing, Tex was able to use her stealth camoflauge device to infiltrate and retrieve a suitable amount of explosives.

"Guys, time to go!" she called out.

Everybody evacuated, while the Reds chased them down. The Blues found Caboose playing patty-cake with Donut and had to drag his ass out. They had what they needed, and needed to get to the mesa to discover the truth of these "Greens."

"Damn it! Lopez! Get the Chupathingy! Or Warthog! Whatever, just bring the jeep! We can't lose those Blue turd-bags!" Sarge exclaimed.

"But I never saw Brad Pitt!" Donut whined.

"Shut up, Donut. God, because of you, we have to actually do something today," Grif said.

"Simmons, do you know where they're goin'?" Sarge asked.

"How the fuck should I know, sir?"

"Good point. Well, saddle up, and let's get cracking!"