A/N- This is a fic co-written with my younger brother under the penname here as 'Hairy Buttocks.' Check his stories out if you are looking for utter weirdness with a twist of lemony pevertedness.

Edward the Sugar Queen

Chapter 1- My Honey Bear

In the small town of Spoons, a large lorry was sweeping round the bend. It was full of sugar. The man driving it, Chief Swan, was whistling, the radio turned up loud.

Suddenly, he heard a loud bang from the roof, followed by several smaller ones. Someone was crawling over the metal top, and doing a very good impression of Spiderman.

"Oh fiddlesticks!" swore Charlie, knowing exactly what was going on. "Edward, get down from there!"

A moment later, a seventeen year old malnourished looking boy, his skin deathly pale, hung upside down over the windscreen like a lampshade. Charlie yelped in surprise, and swerved over the road, unable to see where he was going. But a moment later, Edward had vanished, and only seconds afterwards did he swing himself through the open window. His eyes were wide and manic.

"Honey Bear!" he cried gleefully, throwing himself into Charlie's lap. He had to pull left sharply to avoid ploughing into a tree.

"Don't do that Edward!" yelled Charlie. "I'm trying to drive!"

"Oh, don't yell at me Chief Swan. Don't you love me?" his manic eyes watered, and he begun to cry noisily. Charlie sighed.

"Don't cry boy, you're too old for that. And don't joke either; I know it's the sugar you love, not me." Now he began to look a bit tearful himself.

Edward swung his arms around Charlie's neck. "Of course I love you!" he exclaimed, sounding shocked. Then he paused. "Can I have the sugar now?"

"NO!" yelled Charlie. But it was too late. Edward had already darted out the window. A moment later, a huge explosion rocked the van, and Charlie stomped on the break. He climbed out of the van to find sugar shooting out of the top like a geyser. The sugar had spilled everywhere; Edward had thrown off his clothes, and was rolling around gleefully in a massive pile of it. His skin was sparkling with tiny sugar crystals- this was the reason why the Indians in La Push thought he was a sparkly vampire; in actuality, he was just a rabid sugar addicted teenager, though admittedly, he was rather sparkly.

"EDWARD!" screamed Charlie, his face reddening; he looked as though he was going to explode. He lunged at Edward, and they rolled over the sugar mounds together, tumbling through the desert of sparkling crystals. However, Edward seemed to think that Charlie was tickling him, and he giggled furiously.

At that moment, a bus full of old ladies drove past, and they saw the Chief rolling around in the sugar with a naked teenager. They gasped, several fainted, and one phoned Childline.

Chief Swan shoved Edward away from him.

"Get lost you brat!" he yelled.

"Why?" asked Edward, his eyes wide and childish.

"Just… ugh. There's no point talking to you…" he flapped his arms, evidently giving up. "Now listen, go away. I have to go and pick up my daughter Bella. She's supposed to be arriving from Arizona in an hour. My ex-husband's disappeared with his new boyfriend, and they've dumped her on me all of a sudden."

"Can I come?" asked Edward happily.

"After what you just did?" roared Charlie.

But at once, Edward began to cry. Great big fat tears rolled down his cheeks and he wailed loudly. "I-I knew it! Y-y-you don't l-love me!"

Charlie sighed tiredly. He leant over, and patted the sobbing boy on the head.

"There there," he said. "You can come if you really want."

"Hooray!" cried Edward, and he begun shoving sugar into his discarded trousers, tying the legs into knots. Charlie shook his head, and clambered back into the van.


At the airport, Bella Swan was waiting by the terminal, her luggage in hand. She looked through the swathe of people, all the while searching for her father.

"Aha!" she cried, when she eventually spotted him walking towards her. But then she frowned; something was different about him. He seemed to be covered in tiny white crystals, and was holding the hand of a sparkly naked teenage boy. He was grinning insanely, and clasped Charlie's hand tighter when he tried to pull away.

Bella's frown evaporated when she caught sight of Edward's face. Then her eyes wandered down, down, and she grinned dopily.

I'm in love, she thought, swooning.

Charlie and Edward approached, their hands still entwined.

"Hi," Bella said dreamily, her focus fixed entirely on the sparkly boy. He looks just like a statue of Adonis. His hair is like silk and honey, and his skin is marble. It's sparkly… like sugar?

"Hello," said Edward chirpily. "Do you have any sherbet?"

"Uh… no sorry," she mumbled, drool pooling in the corner of her mouth.

"Oh," said Edward boredly, and he turned and hugged Charlie tightly. "I love you, Honey Bear!"

Bella's eyes narrowed.

"Let's get back to the van," said Charlie tiredly.

They clambered into the sugar truck, all squeezing into the front seats. Edward sat in the middle, distracting Charlie by leaning over and licking the sugar off the side of his face every once in a while. Bella, who had spent the first five minutes staring google-eyed into the rear view mirror (in which she had a perfect view of Edward's sparkling whangdoodle) quickly became irritated by this.

"Dad, you never told me you had another boyfriend!" she blurted out. "Especially someone so… young!" She stared at her father condescendingly. His face swiftly turned a bright red.

"It's not like that!" he said quickly, but Edward turned his puppy dog eyes on him, and Charlie ran a tired hand through his hair. "Bella, this is Edward. Edward, Bella."

"Nice to meet you Edward!" said Bella excitedly, but Edward paid no attention; he was distracted again licking furiously at Charlie's face, like a dog lapping at water. Charlie watched as Bella's face grew dark, a storm passing over her eyes. He quickly shoved Edward away.

"Listen," said Chief Swan quietly, leaning across to her. "It's not what you think it is. He's one of the loons from Dr Carlisle Cullen's institution out of town. He's got some serious problems. Carlisle asked me to be nice to him; what could I do?"

Bella crossed her arms, pursing her lips, but in the end she said, "Fine."

As the sugar lorry rolled up to their house, Edward hopped out, leaping through the kitchen window where he made himself a cup of cold coffee, filling it to the top with sugar. When Bella approached he snarled at her, covering his cup with his hands, and baring his sugar-decayed black teeth. She quickly backed away.

All the same, as he thrust his nose into the sugary concoction, Bella watched him hungrily and thought, I don't know how and when, but someday I'll make you mine Edward, my Sugar Queen.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Edit- Me and my friends the Bum Chums are now making a movie of the Sugar Queen over on youtube. If you'd like to watch it, the episodes can be found on my profile.