A/N- Welcome back everyone! This is the Edward Sugar Queen christmas special. Me and my brother love this series far too much to give it up, so I also come bringing tidings of joy. There is going to be an Edward Sugar Queen sequel! - The New Mooning. So stay tuned.
Meet the Swans
Edward swung at him naked from the lampshade.
"Chaarrrr-liiiiie," he said, dangling with his legs round the power cord. "Today Bella taught me how to use something called the internet."
Charlie staggered in; he'd just had some awful news and was so exhausted even his moustache was wilting. "That's nice Edward," he said, making a beeline for the settee and the evening's game. But Edward's arms extended like a Mr-Stretch doll and reeled him back like a fishing line.
"Here comes a big one!" he exclaimed, before licking him happily. Charlie decided it would be better to give up.
"How was your day Edward?" he said.
"Great!" said Edward, beaming. "Me and Alice played Kill Chase and I helped Emmett scrape the rust out from the bottom of the septic tank. Also I googled you."
"WHAT?" Charlie's heart pounded in his chest. He thought, Maybe he didn't see… maybe it's okay…
"I never knew you were called 'Big Jugs Charlie,' Honey Bear."
Edward put his thumb in his mouth and regarded Charlie curiously. "There were some very funny photos of you there Honey Bear. Why were you and those other men all naked?"
"Ah—B-B-Because sometimes it's fun to get naked!"
"It sure is!" exclaimed Edward, twirling around upside down. "It's so much fun to have a breeze up your privates! But…" he paused and inclined his head. "Why were you and the other mens rolling around on top of one another and making funny noises?"
"We were- were- were doing naked wrestling! Sometimes it's fun to do naked wrestling and take videos of it."
"Oooh, it does! Can we do a naked wrestling video too Honey Bear?"
"NO!" Charlie yelled, blushing furiously. Edward began to cry, his tears filling up the living room like a reservoir.
"This ain't wonderland," Charlie warned him.
"Okay, sorry Honey Bear," said Edward, stopping. Charlie waded through the front door to let the water out. It gushed out like a river; several cats rode an antique wardrobe out into the street where the neighbours were gaping and taking photos. Charlie glared and slammed the door in their faces.
"What I mean is Edward, you don't want to do a naked wrestling video. It's not very that much fun…"
"You seemed to be having a good time," Edward pointed out.
"WE'RE NOT DOING NAKED WRESTLING," Charlie said, face red.
But Edward wasn't listening; he pulled out a stack of photographs from his buttocks and showed them to Charlie. He pointed, and said, "Why is Officer Plodston doing that with your winkle?"
Charlie snatched them off him. "I think I better keep hold of these for you," he mumbled deliriously.
But Edward only pulled out more. "And why are these mens all piled on top of you like a big fun game of jenga?"
Charlie took those too. "It was a big fun game of jenga," he said, feeling faint.
"And why does Officer Plum have a powerdrill up his bottom?"
"That's not a powerdrill, Edward…"
Charlie slumped down into the settee. Edward slid down like a cat from the lampshade and bounded into his lap, purring.
"Looking at those pictures makes me feel all tingly," he said, nuzzling up to Charlie. "And it makes the hairs on my bum stick up."
"Are you sure you weren't wrapping yourself up in foil and hanging around near that big magnet again?"
"Oh yeah," said Edward. "That was probably it." He reached up and licked him capaciously. "You look so sad Honey Bear," he said, pouting. "What's wrong?"
"It's nothing," said Charlie sullenly.
"I must warn you Honey Bear that there is a tantrum brewing in me the likes of which Spoons has never seen before. So you better talk."
Charlie sighed. "It's just that… my parents called earlier. They're coming to visit."
Edward stared. "You have parents?"
"Everyone has parents Edward!"
"Mr Rubber Ducky is my parent!" Edward pulled out a rubber duck from his behind. "Hi Dad! How's it going?" He pulled on a deep masculine voice. "'Hello son, did you do your homework?' No I didn't Dad, because I'm a baaaaaad boy! 'Well you better do it son, or you'll get a good hard spanking!' No Dad, don't get the bamboo rod, please! I'll do my numeracy right away! Ahh, not the belt! Stop! My bum is bleeding! Ahhhhhhhhh!"
Edward thrashed around on the floor, whacking himself with the duck and screaming. Charlie stared.
"Is that what you're like with your dad, Charlie?" Edward said, suddenly throwing himself back into the sofa and lighting up a lollipop. He took a long smooth breath and exhaled. "Oooooh yeah," he said.
Charlie thought about it. "Well, apart from the duck thing, pretty much." He sniffled. "He always hated me because I never became a laywer." He paused. "That and being a queer boy."
He stood up, suddenly determined. "But this time, I'm gonna make my daddy proud. I'm going to pretend that I'm a big-ass lawyer!"
"What does having a big bum have to do with it?"
"Look, Just don't show those pictures to my parents, okay?"
"They don't approve of… man jenga."
"But it looks so fun!"
"Holy Heinz on a string! They're here. Quickly, put these away, and put some clothes on, dangnabbit!" He thrust the photos at Edward and rushed to the door. He just had time to comb his moustache and tuck in his neon green thong, plastering a huge fake smile on his face as he opened the door. He was greeted by two huge blobs. His mountain of a momma wobbled in and pinched his cheek.
"Hey boy you're looking a little peaky. I cooked yer up yer favourite; chocolate curry pizza pie." She shoved the casserole dish into his arms.
"Now Momma, you know I don't eat that stuff anymore. It ain't good for you…"
She stabbed a podgy finger in his chest. "You shut up and eat it. Your Daddy didn't feed you up to be the fattest boy in Texas for nothin'. You were in record books; now look at ya. You look like a skeleton. Sometimes I'm ashamed to be your momma."
She jiggled into the living room, and Charlie's father, Mr Swan stepped inside, with his hands in his jeans, his magnificent moustache swallowed up by rolls of fat. He looked Charlie up and down disapprovingly.
"Still a skinny-ass queer boi, I see," he said, before giving him the cold shoulder. Charlie wilted even further. He trudged into the living room, where his parents were criticising everything they saw.
"Not enough mooseheads," said his father.
"Or shotguns," said his mother.
"Not one damn single American flag!"
It was then that Edward decided to make his appearance. Crawling on the roof, using his hands as suckers, Charlie was thankful that he'd decided to don some clothes. Though, he wondered why he'd picked one of Renee's old dresses. He even had a blond Marilyn Monroe wig and lipstick smeared across his cheeks.
"This way I can still have a breeze up my privates," he said happily, before jumping down and bouncing on Charlie's mother. "You never told me your parents were trampolines!" he said, performed a somersault on his father's beer belly. "Wa-hoooo!"
"Edward, can you get off my parents please?" Charlie said, his head in his hands. Edward bounced down and lit up another lollypop.
"Charlie, who is this?" his mother exclaimed, ruffled and angry.
"Oh… this is just my friend, Momma," Charlie said weakly.
"I'm Edward!" screamed Edward.
"And why the hell is she smoking a damn lollipop?" said Mr Swan.
"Hey, don't hate on it till you tried it," Edward said with narrowed eyes.
Charlie's father shook his head. "Looks like you're still hanging around with damn weirdoes. Why can't me and your momma ever be proud of you son? I mean, what does this gal's parents think of her?" he gestured to where Edward was wriggling around on the carpet like a serpent puffing on his lollypop.
"My father is a duck and he beats me with a belt when I don't do my numeracy," said Edward.
"Sounds like a top man," said Charlie father. "And the thing I regret the most is that I didn't do the same to you. Mighta stopped ya from becoming such a damn queer."
"My father isn't a man. He's a duck," said Edward. Mr Swan ignored him.
"And to think—ya could have become a top-notch lawyer. And you became a pig."
"Not just that- a sugar delivery man!" added Edward. "And a rootin-tootin one at that!"
Mr Swan did not look incredibly impressed.
"But Dad," Charlie said desperately, "I am a lawyer, just like you wanted! I do… law things!"
Mrs Swan looked up, pride glittering in her eyes. "Is that really true? My little boy is a lawyer?"
"Yeah, he's a big-ass lawyer!" said Edward.
Mr Swan looked at Charlie in a new light. "You're a lawyer son?" He clapped him on the shoulder. "Why, I always knew you could do it! We always believed in you, didn't we Virginia?" Mrs Swan nodded furiously. "We're so proud of you!"
There were tears of happiness in Charlie's eyes.
"Next you'll be telling me that you got remarried!" said Mrs Swan.
"…What?" said Charlie.
"Well I told you I expected you to get remarried by the time you were forty, didn't I?"
"Yeah, and not to another queer-boi transvestite like last time, y'hear? His father added.
"Believe me, I had no idea that Renee was a man," Charlie mumbled.
"So, where is she?" said his mother eagerly. "Where's your lovely new wife?"
"Well…" Sweat broke out on Charlie's forehead. He looked around desperately. Edward was doing the bum shuffle on the carpet. "Well, she's right here!" he exclaimed, his voice breaking. "This is my wife! That's right; I married Edward! I remember now."
Edward looked at him curiously. "Well," he said, "We did get married…"
Mrs Swan pulled Edward to his feet and embraced him like a sister. "It's so nice to finally meet Charlie's new wife!" She wriggled her eyebrows secretively. "So… any lovely cute grandchildren on the way?"
"You already have a grandchild, Mom. Bella."
"Yeah, but she's a weirdo," Mrs Swan said dismissively. "When we call you I don't even understand what she's saying. What the bejeebers do omg and wtf mean? And did you say she's in a mental institute now?"
"She believes she's a vampire."
"My point exactly. So get busy and make Momma some cute snugly-wuggly mentally-balanced grandchildren. The type we can feed up to become bouncy balls of lard and win the Texas child obesity award with."
"That wasn't an award, Mom," said Charlie. "The doctor said I was the fattest child he'd ever seen and if I didn't lose any weight I'd face health problems for the rest of my life."
"IT WAS AN AWARD."
But Edward's face was glimmering. He took Charlie's hands tenderly and said, "Honey Bear, could we really have a baby?"
Charlie was on the verge of an atomic eruption, but he gritted his teeth and smiled. "Sure," he said. "Lots of bouncy balls of lard for Grandma here."
Putting a finger to his lips, Edward said, "But how?"
The whole room stared.
"You mean… you don't know how to make a baby?" said Mrs Swan, flabbergasted.
"Well, I thought the storks carried them in little white bundles and delivered them to all the mummy and daddy animals in the zoo…"
"That was in Dumbo," said Charlie.
"No, I'm pretty sure it was in real life."
"Charlie," said Mr Swan. He was glaring now. "Are you saying you and your wife have not even consummated your marriage?"
Charlie gulped. "Well, I guess not. But—"
"You must know that marriage in not official in God's eyes until it is consummated."
"No buts!" said Mr Swan. Mrs Swan tutted. "Now get in that bedroom and do your duty towards God!"
Edward looked at Charlie, putting his lollypop out on his nipple with a sizzle. "What do they want us to do Honey Bear?"
Charlie's lips were so dry he felt like he would turn to dust. "Naked wrestling," he said.
Edward thought about it. "God wants us to do naked wrestling?" he asked.
"Get in there queer boy and make us some bloody grandchildren!" Mr Swan yelled.
Five minutes later, Edward and Charlie lay side by side in his bed. Charlie's parents sat in chairs by the side, leaning forward and watching intently. The clock was ticking very loudly.
Edward pulled out a sherbet fountain from underneath the duvet and started snacking. "Is something supposed to happen yet, Honey Bear?" he asked.
Charlie had turned to stone. Edward tapped him; he really had turned to stone. He knocked on his forehead. Clonk- clonk! "Anybody in there?"
Edward leant back and lit up his liquorice.
Mr and Mrs Swan made encouraging 'go on' gestures, so Edward licked him all down the side of his face, leaving a trail of sugary saliva. Charlie's head turned with jolting cranks as though he were a robot. His eyes were red and bloodshot.
He was thinking; !
And Edward was thinking; Boom shakalakakakaka boom! Shakalakalaklakalka boom boom!
Then he vanished. His empty skin flopped slid off the bed, and Mr Swan swore he saw a monkey in a tux with a cigar swinging out of the window.
"Oh my!" cried Mrs Swan. "Your wife! Has she fainted?"
Charlie was so relieved that he slumped down into a dead faint himself.
When he next came to, there was a grinning girl with a knife leaning over him.
"Oh good, he's awake!" said Mrs Swan. "Dear, one of your neighbours came to visit. She seems like a lovely girl."
Alice was smiling and completely covered in blood.
"Mr Flipsy says he has enjoyed meeting your parents and will enjoy killing them even more," she said.
"Lovely!" Mrs Swan exclaimed. "Such a lovely girl!"
Charlie sat up quickly. "Where's Dad?" he said.
"Oh, Alice and him were playing tie up in the basement a little while ago. I haven't seen him since then."
The door banged open, and Charlie hurried down the stairs. He heard muffled yells, and clicked on the light. Mr Swan was tied up to a chair, a rubber ball stuffed into his mouth.
Charlie quickly untied him.
"Boy! What the hell was that lass playing at? She tried to kill me!"
Alice had followed him down. She swayed vacantly and said, "Come back and play anytime, Mr Swan."
Charlie placed a quick telephone call to the Cullen Institution, and Dr Cullen came to pick her up.
"Oh, I'm sure you didn't mean any harm, did you poppet?" he said, mussing her bloody hair.
"I'll kill them next time," she smiled.
He laughed jovially. "Oh, I'm sure you will! Now come and you can have some cookies in my office."
Charlie slammed the door after them. He was fuming; this visit couldn't get any worse.
"And in THIS one, he's playing man jenga with the boys at the station." Charlie turned slowly. Edward was back in his skin and sitting with Mr and Mrs Swan in the living room. And, he was showing his parents the photograph album, including the newest pictures from the computer, which he'd stuck in and labelled. Mr and Mrs Swan were furious.
"I KNEW IT!" Mr Swan screeched. "That damn queer boy! He's gonna get it!"
They noticed Charlie standing in the doorway, a vacant look on his face.
He could only think of one thing to say. "I'm a lawyer," the words floated out from his dry lips.
"A big-ass lawyer!" Edward parroted. "And this one is of him and Officer Plodston. But why did you decide to do press-ups with him on your back, Charlie? For fun?"
There was only one thing for it. Charlie took off at a run.
"Oooooh, let me chase!" Edward bounded up from the sofa and chased him down the street giggling.
"Leave me alone Edward!" he said.
"I love it when you play hard to get, Honey Bear!" he cried.
Mr and Mrs Swan were huffing and puffing at the back with pitchforks.
"You damn homosexual!" Mr Swan shouted. "You're gonna be in a world of pain when I get hold your scrawny ass!"
"BIG-ASS!" yelled Edward delightedly.
It was hard, Charlie knew, to be in love with a sugar queen.