Cedric Diggory groaned in satisfaction as the last of the cursed excrement fled his body. He sighed. Hermione Granger's famous laxative spell had done the trick, and his bowels felt free and light again, instead of burdened with the three-pound excess of built-up poo that had wedged itself there in the past twenty-eight hours.

Forgetting to wipe, as always, Cedric slowly rose from the john, pulled up his designer briefs and briefly rinsed his hands under the stone taps in the prefect's bathroom; reminding himself, for the fifth time, never to accept bum-sex with Percy Weasley ever again. Ever.

He jumped (still amazingly gracefully) as the door to the small, gently-lit chamber creaked to announce the arrival of Roger Davies, a boy he knew well from his defence against the dark arts classes, and from his six terms as chairman of the "I-Take-It-Up-The-Gnome" club, something which he and a friend had founded for a joke, not expecting it to actually attract so many of Hogwarts' gay community.

"Hello there, Diggers!" Roger cooed, using his familiar pet name. "I didn't expect to see you about," he added, apparently very aroused by this tidbit of information.

"Er, yes," Cedric responded without thinking or really comprehending Roger's words.

"Ugh!" Roger exclaimed, sniffing the air with disdain. "What pongs?"

Oh God, Cedric's insides flailed with concealed embarrassment. He was going to be discovered. Should have known, he thought, dejectedly, no point trying the hide your bowel movements in a place like Hogwarts.

"Hmm," Davies pondered for an exaggerated moment, taking in another timid whiff of the surroundings, "Must be another pregnant house-elf that dropped one, killed it and tried to hide it in the piping." He shook his head. "Dumbledore's been trying to put a stop to it. Then again, don't see how he can – they're raging all over the place, at it like… like…"

"Elves?" Cedric volunteered, keen to veer the discussion away from the heady, gagging scent, now probably leaking into the hallway.

"Why, yes, elves!" Roger exclaimed. "And did I ever tell you…?"

Cedric allowed Roger to steer him from the bathroom, leading him down the hall, away from Diggory's dirty secret.

*Cue Celine Dion*