"Dead Maelstrom"

Chapter 1: "Revolutionary Spiral Naruto"

Disclaimer: Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto and Viz. Deadpool belongs to Marvel Comics. I make no monetary or other material profit from this story whatsoever.

Author's note: I've been thinking about doing a Naruto/Deadpool crossover for a while, mainly because it would be quite amusing to imagine a Deadpool-raised Naruto. Don't worry, the characters you know and love from both the X-Men (comics) universe and the Naruto universe will remain largely intact. I will warn you now, though, that I'm not going to exaggerate certain unpleasant aspects of the characters regardless of my personal distaste for them. At the very least, I'm going to try hard to avoid that, so I can give you a decent story. Here goes nothing.

"Wade-papa!" an energetic boy's voice shouted.

"Yo, Naruto," a man in a red-and-black suit and mask greeted him, his voice somewhat scratchy and high-pitched. He raised his hand for a rushing blond blur to high-five . . . only to snatch it away at the last minute. Despite that, the blond boy punched the man's hand. "Ow, why you gotta hit so hard? What'd I ever do to you?"

"Wade-papa," the boy, Naruto, answered. "You always do this to me."

"I'm training you, man! Haven't you seen the old kung fu movies? That's how the sensei gets the student to learn!"

"This isn't a kung fu movie," Naruto answered.

Wade Wilson, a.k.a. Deadpool, stared at Naruto. "You still learned, kid! You finally hit my hand!"

"You have an interesting idea of training, Wade," a female voice greeted sardonically.

"Theresa, baby!" Wade greeted. "Jamie didn't get grabby, did he? I'm the only one who's allowed to do that! Even if he can give multiple orgasms!"

"Not in front of Naruto!" Theresa, a beautiful redhead, admonished Wade.

"Baby, Pervy Sage is more likely to ruin him for women than me!" Wade countered. "Have you read that guy's books?"

Theresa glared at Wade, even though she was blushing.

"Aw, never mind," Wade said.

"I don't see what's so special about those books," Naruto remarked.

Wade gasped dramatically. "Kid! You obviously haven't gone through puberty yet! Make-Out Paradise is the stuff Heaven is made of!"

"If Heaven were full of stripper angels," Theresa muttered with an amused smile on her face.

"Ooh, that gives me an idea," Wade whispered in Theresa's ear, along with something that made her blush.

Naruto just scratched his head . . . and then three more people came in. One was a man with long white hair and red tribal tattoos. The other two were women. One was blonde with her hair in twin ponytails, a diamond mark in the center of her forehead, and very large breasts barely contained by a gray gi top. The other was brunette and dressed in a simple dark purple short kimono dress. The three of them were Jiraiya and Tsunade of the Legendary Three and Tsunade's apprentice Shizune.

"Wade," Tsunade grumbled. "I assume you're finished training Naruto?"

"Yup, Sugar Steel Tits," Wade answered.

"How many times do I have to tell you not to call me that?" Tsunade asked.

"Until I finally get bored of seeing your face when I call you that!" Wade answered. "You know, a lot of super-strong women have really big boobs – Rogue, Ms. Marvel, She-Hulk, Wonder Woman, Knockout . . . It's not so bad, although I think nearly every woman I know has super-strength, anyway!"

"What makes you say that?" Naruto asked.

"Because you'd need super-strength to carry around boobs as big as the ones I've seen!" Wade replied.

Tsunade punched Wade in the head. "You idiot!"

"Yeah, but I'm your idiot!" Wade shouted. "Always and forever your idiot, lovely Tsunade! Smother me with your bountiful bosom! I shall only love you more!"

This time, it was Theresa who smacked Wade.

"Of course," Wade added to Theresa, "I like your boobs, too. They're nice and snuggly."

Theresa picked up Wade. "It's so nice when you talk like you care."

"Theresa-mama," Naruto uttered, "you and Wade-papa are weird."

"Ah, don't worry, Naruto-kun," Jiraiya said. "This is just how they show their affection."

"That's a weird way to show affection," Naruto remarked.

"You're young, you'll learn," Jiraiya answered. "Someday, you too will fall in love with a woman with a fiery temper, and you will endure all manner of abuse just to get a smile out of her."

"I'd rather go with a sweet, shy girl. At least she won't beat me up."

"Those are good, too. After all, they turn out to be really wild in the sack." This was emphasized with a lecherous grin.

"Jiichan . . . you're weird."

"No, I'm AWESOME! There's a difference."


"Jiraiya, are you trying to corrupt my son?" Theresa asked.

"If your husband hasn't already done that, I doubt I could," Jiraiya replied. "But corrupting you will suffice just well."

Theresa glared at Jiraiya, only to start giggling when Wade tickled her. "Goochie, goochie, goo!" Wade snickered.

"How Naruto has stayed sane in this house, I don't know," Shizune remarked.

"That's because I have you, Shizune-neechan!" Naruto answered. "Don't let anyone tell you you're boring!"

"Thanks, Naruto-kun," Shizune replied with a slight blush.

Naruto turned to Wade. "So when do I get my costume?"

"Well, your reflexes are fast enough now to catch my hand," Wade remarked. "Jiraiya taught you the Rasengan. Tsunade taught you how to hit. Shizune and Theresa taught you precision. You've got a ways to go, but I think you're ready for this."

Wade went into another room and then came out with a costume similar to his, but in Naruto's size and a somewhat different design. For one, the black parts of the mask took up most of the face. For another, the mask had a hole cut out on top for Naruto's hair. For a third, the body of the costume had more black than Wade's costume did. Specifically, the pants, shoulders, and sides were colored black, while the gloves were black with red fingers and palms.

"Cool!" Naruto exclaimed. "But where are the weapons, Wade-papa?"

"Got 'em right here," Wade answered, taking out a thigh-belt with three silver kunai attached and a Y-shaped harness similar to the one on his own costume for holding twin kodachi.

Naruto looked skeptically at the kodachi. "They're a little small."

"Yeah, but what they lack in length, they make up for in precision," Wade replied. "Trust me, it ain't the size of the sword; it's how you use it."

Naruto shrugged. "If you say so."

Theresa had to chuckle. Sometimes, in a perverse way, Wade was just too funny for words. "How do you feel about going back to Konoha?"

"Eh, whatever," Naruto answered. "So long as they don't recognize me, I should be fine."

"Well, they've had time to forget what you look like," Theresa said. "Eight years' time, in fact."

"And if they give you lip, you can always kick their asses!" Wade added "helpfully."

"Thanks, but ninja aren't supposed to abuse their abilities," Naruto countered.

"Aw, man, what's the fun of having abilities if you don't abuse them?" Wade asked. "I think you spend too much time with Spider-Man."

"Spider-Man's a good guy, even if those jerks don't think so," Naruto replied.

Tsunade ruffled Naruto's hair. "A lot like you, then, kiddo."

Naruto grinned. "Yeah."

"One more thing!" Wade announced in a "wise old man" voice. He pulled out something else, a red-and-black leather jacket in the style of his and Naruto's costumes. Black-and-red disks that resembled Deadpool's mask lined the sleeves. "Those disks have all kind of useful functions! You can blow people up, create smokescreens, knock people unconscious, or just slice 'em up!"

"How am I gonna slice people up with those?" Naruto asked. "I already have the swords."

Wade picked up one of the disks and pressed on the underside, causing three curved blades to pop out of its circular edges, forming a kind of spiral that almost resembled the fully formed Sharingan. "That's how, kid."

He pressed on the disk's underside again to make the blades retract and put it back on the jacket. "So? You ready?"

"Believe it!" Naruto shouted. "I'm going to kick so much ass when I get to Konoha!"

Eight years earlier, when Naruto had been just five years old, he'd been kicked out of the orphanage in Konoha for "being a troublemaker." Never mind that he hadn't actually done anything, the orphanage owner just didn't want him around anymore. The Third Hokage had managed to set Naruto up in a lonely apartment in the "bad" part of town, but that had been the most he could do for the poor boy.

He tried to buy food for Naruto whenever he got a chance, but more often than not, Naruto had to buy food himself and almost no one was willing to serve him. Even if they were, they would overcharge just to make him miserable or drive him away so he'd starve. Contrary to what Deadpool had first assumed when he found the boy, nobody in the village had beaten him up. They'd done worse than that, namely not-so-benign neglect.

Deadpool had entered the village under a henge to disguise his true appearance, looking more like a silver-haired "pretty boy" than his true hideously scarred self. He'd found a small blond boy looking through the garbage for something to eat and quickly gone to a fruit stand to buy a branch of purple grapes. Once that was accomplished, he went to the boy and tapped him on the shoulder.

The boy had jumped immediately. "Who are you!?"

"No one, really," Deadpool had answered, then extended the branch of grapes he'd bought. "Want some?"

"Why are you being so nice to me?" the boy asked.

"Someone has to," Deadpool replied. "Come on, try some. They're not rotten."

Naruto looked at Deadpool skeptically and then ripped a grape off the branch, popping it into his mouth and eagerly chewing on it before swallowing. "That was good! Thank you, Jisan!"

"You have anywhere you can stay?"

"Yeah, I got somewhere. Old man Hokage set it up for me."

Deadpool gave Naruto the entire branch. "Go nuts."

Naruto began eagerly eating the grapes, hardly pausing except to breathe or swallow. "What's your name, Jisan?"

"Wade. Wade Wilson."

"I'm Naruto."

"Mind if we go to your place? I got nowhere to stay right now."

"Sure, Wade-san!"

When Deadpool and Naruto had reached the boy's apartment, Deadpool was silently appalled. Then he decided, true to his nature, not to be silent. "Well, crap, this is worse than anything little orphan Annie had to go through! Even those poor kids in Dickens' books didn't get crap like this!"

He looked in the refrigerator and recoiled. "Ah, damn! You really need to restock your fridge! Just don't put any girls in there!"

The joke went over Naruto's head. "Can't. Every time I go shopping, they either won't take my money or they make me pay a lot for it."

"What's their problem with you?" Deadpool asked. "I mean, sweet little guy like you, no way you butchered entire families or blew up a whole neighborhood or cut the last Hokage's throat or some crazy crap like that!"

"I don't know . . ." Naruto admitted. "I just know they don't like me at all. They won't even let the kids my age hang out with me."

"That sucks. Where's the guy who runs this hellhole?"

"It's the Hokage."

So Deadpool went to visit the Hokage, the old ninja Hiruzen Sarutobi. "And who might you be?" he asked.

"I'm here for Naruto Uzumaki, 'cause I'm kinda supposed to kill him," Deadpool replied. "But he looked so cute and innocent that I couldn't bring myself to do it."

"Who hired you?" Sarutobi asked, tensing into a combat-ready stance. "Was it Iwagakure?"

"Those punks? No. It was someone from your own village."

"That's impossible!"

"Impossible? From what I've seen of the kid's quality of life, a lot of people in this village hate his guts, and you know what people do to what they hate? Well, that's what guys like me are for, for when they're too wussy to do something themselves about it."

"The penalty for attempting to harm Naruto is death."

"Yeah, except if you hire some out-of-town killer to do it, they can't really blame you, now can they? Plausible deniability."

"Who hired you? Which one of the villagers hired you to murder Naruto Uzumaki?"

Deadpool shrugged. "Some guy with a missing arm and eye."

Sarutobi snarled quietly. "Danzo . . ."

"You know that creep?"

"He's a village elder. We were rivals for the position of Third Hokage. As you can see, I won."

"Why would he want Naruto dead? Hell, why does anybody want Naruto dead? He's a good kid. Little hyper, but a good kid."

Sarutobi stared at Deadpool. "What I'm about to say doesn't leave this room, and you will not tell Naruto until he's ready."

"Can't promise, Gramps. If this is something as serious as you're making it sound, kid probably has a right to know."

"Fine, then. Almost six years ago, the Fourth Hokage, Minato Namikaze, sealed a terrible monster known as the Nine-Tailed Demon Fox inside a newborn infant, but at the cost of sacrificing his own soul to the Shinigami. That newborn infant . . . was his son."

Deadpool looked over Sarutobi's head at the pictures of the past Hokages. He whistled lowly. "No wonder Naruto looked like a little Minato. That was his son! I was about to kill his goddamn son! Ok, now I'm pissed! Where's that asshole?! I'm gonna rip him a new asshole or three!"

"How did you know Minato?" Sarutobi inquired.

Deadpool dropped his henge, revealing a man in a red-and-black costume with twin katana strapped to his person and a red mask with black patches over the eyes concealing his face. "Because Iwagakure hired me to kill him once, during the Third Shinobi War. I figured, 'Hey, if this guy's as good as his rep, I should have fun.' Then I met the guy, and we just . . . kinda clicked. Too much so for me to just off him."

Sarutobi chuckled. "Yes, Minato did have a habit of winning people over, even the more intractable of his foes."

"And, man, hiring me to kill his son? That's just too low for words. I loved that man like a brother! And that lovely little Kushina like a sister . . . even if she made me wanna forget about the laws concerning sibling sexual relations and just –" He summed up his feelings with a hard pelvic thrust and a guttural grunt. "Yeah, back that up, back that up . . ."

"I would advise you to keep your mind on task."

"Sorry, old man. Got a condition, but you get where I'm going with this? Kid ain't ever gonna be safe so long as he's here. You might be able to take down that one-eyed, one-armed ass, but what about the others? 'Side from you, I doubt he has any friends here, and you kinda suck at this."

"I've done my best to keep Naruto safe."

"Not good enough," Deadpool cut in harshly. "The closest thing he is to 'safe' is that nobody's decided yet that your wrath is worth seeing that kid dead."

Sarutobi had to acknowledge that there was some truth to the masked assassin's words. As long as Naruto remained in this village, he would be hated. As long as he was hated, he would not get the care he needed. As long as he didn't get the care he needed, he wouldn't be able to flourish as a shinobi of the Leaf, let alone as his father would have wanted.

And Deadpool was still talking. ". . . Like those movies say, 'fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering.' That's what's happened here. They feared him because he had a demon inside him and it was the same demon that destroyed a lot of their lives, livelihoods, families, friends, etc. So they took out their anger at the demon on him. And they made him suffer. You wanna know what's gonna happen from there?"

Sarutobi almost dreaded the answer, but he had to confirm his suspicions. "What?"

"Suffering leads to the dark side. Suffering leads to anger and hate toward the causes of it. Anger and hate are the most reliable paths to the dark side. Naruto has power, even if he hasn't learned to tap it yet. Imagine what'll happen if things keep going the way they are now and he figures out how to use it? You're gonna have a frigging apocalypse on your hands, and it'll be your own damn fault."

Sarutobi glared at Deadpool, wanting to find any falsehood in his words . . . only to see none. As regrettable as it was, Deadpool was telling the truth, a truth he realized from his own knowledge of human nature. "What are you going to do?"

"Raise him. Teach him how to defend himself. Give him some happy memories. Don't worry. I'll bring him back eventually."

"Bring him back at graduation time for the Academy students his age," Sarutobi instructed. "And I'll deal with Danzo."

The first person to react to Deadpool's adoption of Naruto Uzumaki was Theresa Cassidy, a.k.a. Siryn of X-Factor Investigations, a private detective agency involved in mutant affairs. She'd been Deadpool's girlfriend, only to leave when his particular mental disturbances became more than she could bear. It didn't help that Deadpool was a psychotic assassin whose thought processes were so thoroughly chaotic that half the time his attempts at romance were more like those of a blundering jaguar in mating season.

"Every time I think I know what you'll do, you go and do something completely batty like this."

"Yeah, I know. I'm like Batman with Robin, or Wolverine with Kitty Pryde or Jubilee, or all those guys who keep adopting downtrodden orphans from miserable wrecks of ninja villages."

Siryn arched a single red eyebrow. "You're insane, Wade."

"Just the way I am, baby! But seriously, you should have seen what they were doing to this kid! They were starving him!"

"You've never been the type to care about things like that before."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Point is, kid happens to be the son of an old friend of mine, and I wanted to do my best to do right by the guy. I know I'm not the best one for the job, but . . ."

"But something inside you just snapped and you decided to behave like someone with morals," Siryn drawled.

"Something like that," Deadpool answered. "Anyway, I've gotta admit, I'm not quite up to raising a kid by myself."

Siryn smiled. "He could use a good mother, couldn't he?"

"Uh-huh, and what better mother than someone who can shatter steel with her voice? That'll definitely keep him in line if he starts trouble."

Just then, Naruto burst in. "Wade-papa! Who is that pretty lady you're talking to?"

"An old friend of mine," Wade replied. "Soon to be your mother. Theresa, meet Naruto. Naruto, meet Theresa."

"Hi!" Naruto greeted eagerly.

Theresa kneeled down and kissed Naruto on the forehead. "What a sweet little guy you are. Who could possibly hate you?"

"Lotta people, but they're not here right now, so . . . are you really gonna be my mommy?" Naruto asked.

Theresa blushed, looked back at Wade, then at Naruto's smiling face. "Yes . . . I'll be your mommy."

What Deadpool and Siryn didn't know was that Sarutobi had called up Jiraiya to gather intelligence on Deadpool. Figuring he'd need a little backup of the female persuasion, Jiraiya had tracked down Tsunade and her apprentice Shizune, explaining to them what had happened in ten simple words.

"My godson is in the hands of a killer freak!"

That had shocked Tsunade out of her drunken stupor enough to get her moving. Thus, the three of them had found their way to the apartment where Deadpool and Siryn lived with young Naruto. Their mode of entry had been Tsunade punching the door off its hinges and barging in with Jiraiya and Shizune following.

"What the hell?!" Theresa shouted.

Deadpool had come out of the room, katana in one hand and handgun in the other. "So . . . you're here for Naruto?"

"What the hell do you think you're doing with him?" Jiraiya asked.

"Raising him," Deadpool replied. "Hell do you think?"

"I'm his godfather," Jiraiya stated.

"Then you should have come and gotten him first, dumbass! I mean, hell, did you see what the kid had to put up with before I got him? Almost nobody was willing to feed or clothe him, and the ones who were overcharged him in the hopes of driving him away! His fridge was full of rotten food, and thankfully there wasn't a girl in there, too! Hell, somebody hired me just to kill him!"

"So what are you doing with him now?" Tsunade asked angrily.

"Raising him, Steel Sugar Tits," Deadpool answered.

"And what gives you the right?!" Tsunade yelled.

"Lady Tsunade, please calm down," Shizune pleaded.

"No, Shizune, I will not calm down," Tsunade answered.

"Don't make me use these!" Deadpool shouted, waving the katana and the gun. "I will! You keep pushing, I damn well will use them!"

"I've got just one thing to ask you before I take you apart," Jiraiya cut in. "Do you read Make-Out Paradise?"

"Hell, yeah, I do! I even got a special section of the library here for all your books! Got three of each!"

"Why does he need three copies of each?" Shizune asked.

Siryn sighed. "Because he wears out the original copies he buys . . . so to speak."

"And you're married to him?" Tsunade asked.

"He makes me laugh, ok?" Siryn replied.

"Yeah, and I'm really good with my mouth. I mean, really," Deadpool interjected. "Wanna see sometime?"

"No, I don't," Tsunade rebuffed.

Just then, Naruto came out of his room. "What's with the noise?" He spotted Jiraiya, Tsunade, and Shizune. "Hi there!"

"Well, he seems incredibly well-adjusted for living with a wanton homicidal maniac," Tsunade remarked.

"Since you guys seem so incredibly hard to persuade to leave me, wifey, and the kid in peace, how about you help me?" Deadpool asked. "We can be one big happy family, just like The Brady Bunch! Or like in Full House!"

"As long as you put the weapons down," Jiraiya answered. "Besides, it's not like Naruto deserves to have his only role model be a homicidal nut."

"It's also not like Naruto deserves a perverted peeper and writer of smut for a role model," Tsunade added snidely.

Shizune sighed, mumbling, "And it's particularly not like Naruto deserves a drunken gambler for a role model, Lady Tsunade."

"What was that, Shizune?" Tsunade asked.

"You would make a lovely role model for Naruto, Lady Tsunade," Shizune answered loudly.

"But that's not what –" Naruto was cut off by Deadpool's hand over his mouth.

"It's ok, kid. Let it go."

"Fine, we'll all try to curb our bad habits so we can be the best role models possible for Naruto," Jiraiya said. "I'll try not to peep so much if Tsunade will try not to gamble so much and Deadpool will try not to kill for everyone who's willing to pay him."

"It's official!" Deadpool shouted. "We'll be one big happy family!" He opened his arms wide for Tsunade. "Come here, Sugar Steel Tits!"

Tsunade's answer was to punch him in the face with enough force to ensure that Deadpool wouldn't be doing much of anything with his mouth, nose, or eyes any time soon. "Lady Tsunade!" Shizune shouted. "Did you just kill him?!"

"He's come back from worse than that before," Siryn answered. "Healing factor. He's basically indestructible, no matter what you do to him."

So began Deadpool's frequent romance with Tsunade's fist and Tsunade's increasing therapy bills. Fortunately for Deadpool – and unfortunately for the ladies – Jiraiya had found in him a partner for all his perversions. Were it not for the ladies' influence, Naruto would have certainly ended up joining them as soon as he came of age. Despite that, they weren't quite able to keep Naruto from taking on certain other elements of "Wade-papa's" personality.

In the present, Naruto had just gotten dressed in his new costume, complete with kunai strapped to his thigh, kodachi strapped to his back, and a leather jacket with disk-styled weapons lining his sleeves. "Wow. It fits."

"I have to admit . . . it fits you well," Tsunade remarked.

"Thanks, Tsunade-baba," Naruto said.

"You're welcome, brat," Tsunade replied.

"Do I know how to dress my kid, or what?" Deadpool asked.

"You do have other clothes for him to wear, right?" Jiraiya asked. "He can't go out in that costume all the time."

"Yeah, yeah, don't worry about it," Deadpool waved him off.

"Can we hurry up already?" Naruto asked. "I'm dying to go back to Konoha and take my graduation exam!"

"Sure, just don't be in too much of a rush," Shizune advised. "You'll miss the good stuff."

"Like what, Shizune-neechan?"

Shizune giggled. "You'll see."

End Notes: And there you have it, the first chapter of "Dead Maelstrom," possibly the first Naruto/Deadpool crossover in fanfic history (unless someone can point me to another one), is complete! Next up on "Dead Maelstrom," Naruto will meet his classmates and future comrades! What friends will he make? What foes will he encounter? How the hell will Konoha survive a Deadpool-raised Naruto? For the answers to those questions and others, read on!