Resident Evil 5


Chris Redfield flexed his massive refrigerator arms and watched the veins bulge with satisfaction as Sheva frantically dodged the oncoming axes thrown from the angry natives. They seemed to pull infinite amounts from their bum, a puzzling thing to a person with enough time to observe without getting pelted by an arrow.

They seemed to be traveling in some third world shanty town and equipped with mere pistols. Chris only seemed to need the use of his fists, one blow to the face would make an enemy's face implode from the impact. Sheva on the other hand was useless, and was only needed to carry all of the healing items, and to use the help commands.

"Can you please help?" Sheva asked desperately. She dodged another butt-axe, and returned fire with a whole clip of pistol rounds.

"No dice babe," Chris replied in an uncaring voice "I'm having flashbacks." He watched himself in a window, and struck a pose.

"I'm so attractive" he mused to himself.

Sheva got hit in the face with a butt axe. Her face was surprisingly unscathed, and she unloaded yet another clip into the enemy's face. His head exploded and yet his body continued to throw axes. The action infuriated her when she got hit on the boob. But showed no injury.

A man snuck up behind Chris, fascinated by the bulging creatures attached to his shoulders. He thought he was infected, but had to make sure. He tapped his shoulders and had begun to inquire politely about his massive arms. Chris gently shoved the man, hurdling him dramatically into a wall, causing him to explode on impact.

"Sorry bro," He groaned and flexed one arm over his shoulder, "I can't seem to control the awesome power behind these big GUNS."

Sheva face palmed at him, but recoiled from an arrow going straight through the back of her head. Yet there was no wound.

"Are you done looking at yourself? I could really use your help," Sheva said with little distress in her voice as the B button frantically flashed by Chris.

"Oh" he replied, and flicked the man off of her. He made a silly noise and died, turning into a pile of goo, which quickly disappeared into the ground.

"How convenient that they melt like that" Sheva mused calmly as an arrow struck her in the leg.

"Quite," added Chris. "It would be most displeasing to see a pile of bodies lying around. Logic or not."

"Hmm yes."


"Oh look! A cutscene!" Sheva exclaimed with mild excitement. When they had fought their way through endless enemies and flying tampons.

"Its not important" Chris said and punched the cut scene out of the way.

The boss suddenly appeared. It was a man covered in worms. Nothing worked on this boss but fire. They promptly trapped the creature and killed it with fire in a conveniently placed incendiary room.

"I hope most of the other bosses aren't exactly like that one!" Sheva said with mild relief.

"They aren't right?" She asked an invisible audience.


Her question was hilariously ignored.