I dislike this, yet it's here all the same; in hope that someone may find pleasure in reading this silly tale. I don't know what came over me. Nostalgia, perhaps?
Ah, Costa Del Sol. Beaches, babes, coconut-cherry ice-cream sandwiches…The coastal town was, naturally, Reno's most prized work holiday destination. Many years had past and yet, incredibly, Reno never tired of the place. One could argue that this was prime evidence for the notion that the aging Turk had never truly grown up. Yet he would argue that by sixteen, he had reaped all the necessary equipment that he would ever need in life.
"Hot damn, Rude, check out that chick's fiery ass! It's like a giant, sexy fireball. Gimme some o' that!"
Reno and Rude, the former in Speedos, the latter in a modest set of board shorts, stood at the top of the beach where they had prime viewing of the tanned beauties before them.
Reno nudged Rude in the arm inquiringly. "Rude?"
"You seem out of it. Where's yo oomph, man!"
Rude shifted uncomfortably on the wooden deck. "I'm…"
"Gay? 'Cause I totally understand if you are. Heck, I'd even gladly shift a bit for ya!"
Reno's bald counterpart covered his face with his hands, as if in pain or embarrassment. Reno plucked out a wedgie and winked at a disgusted brunette as she walked past.
"I'm getting old." He said finally. "I want to settle down, ya know? These girls aren't gonna do it for me anymore. And I was thinking…maybe you should rethink some stuff too, Reno."
But Reno wasn't listening. His Speedos were being magnetically pulled towards Elena and her three new friends, who were running down towards the water in tiny bikinis (although Elena was wearing a modest black one-piece). "I totally understand Rude, I just need to go over here for a sex...I mean sec."
Rude followed after him with a sigh.
Elena and her friends stood at the shoreline, talking and laughing. When Reno approached, Elena whispered something harshly to the girls. They all turned to stare him down.
"Hey ladies." Reno said with a wink. "Elena, care to introduce me?"
Her blink seemed to silence the entire beach. "I could tell you their names, though you probably wouldn't remember them. I suppose 'Shinra's tramps' might stick better?"
This seemed to catch Reno's attention. He tossed his pony tail in the air as if it were a whip, and grinned charmingly at them. They smiled faintly in return. "So girls; care for a drink later?"
"I've got one." The girl with long black hair replied, and bit her lip as she saw Rude.
Reno's eyes flickered to Rude and back. "That's too bad. I'm sure you two are up for a ride though, right?"
Elena threw her head back and erupted with fake laughter. She then turned stone cold. "We're not objects, Reno. We're not here for the benefit of your dick."
"I'm outta here." Rude bolted down the coastline.
"I concur!" He protested, granting her a light chuckle as he did so. "Men and women exist to reproduce, am I right? So technically, women ought to look sexy, so that we men have someone to make sweet babies with."
"Protection, I know. I'm just saying, when it comes down to it, you are here for the benefit of my dick."
Elena's face went bright red. Shinra's play girls giggled amongst each other, tossing their perfect hair over their barely-there bikinis. Elena glared at them to the point of silence before looking back at Reno.
"Alright then; if that's how you want to play, fine. I'm going to treat you like a sex object. You have no feelings, no emotions, no basic needs- nothing. You're as daft as that beach umbrella over there."
Reno smirked. "You're answering my prayers, babe." The bimbo's giggles flew up an octave, resulting in Elena tossing up the sand in resignation and storming off.
"Does respect even exist in this stupid little town! Bloody animals!"
"And proud!" Reno called after her. The whores swarmed over him, making a point to flick at his pony tail.
"Hey Reno?" One of the girls, blonde-haired and petite, twisted her arm around Reno's neck and breathed into his ear. "Elena's wrong; you're not a sex object. I know you have feelings, I know."
Reno shuffled closer to her in the sand and tried to shake off the other girls that were clinging to his waist and hair. He was feeling very satisfied…sexually, and all. Until the blonde girl drew back and…
…Punched him hard in the face.
Moments later, he was lying, dazed, on the steaming hot sand, frozen slushy painted over his face and hair. He heard the voices of the girls trail off into the distance as they chatted, delighted at the fact that he had believed that they were Shinra's whores.
"I think I've learned something today…" Reno mumbled, licking the icy drink from his blood-stained lips. "Slushy tastes better when it's been dumped on you."