Disclaimer: The idea for Character Units does not belong to me. And BRUCE WAYNE/BATMAN belongs to DC Comics and Christopher Nolan. I'm making no money from this, not even from the sale of the Units. Sigh.
THE USER'S GUIDE AND MANUAL FOR
TORMENTED PAST INC.
Ruining People's Lives and Turning Them Insane Since 1939
CHIEF TECHNICAL ADMINISTRATOR: LUCIUS FOX
Congratulations on your purchase of a THE JOKER Unit!
You are now the proud owner of a brand new, life-sized THE JOKER Unit. We thank you for your purchase and hope for you to be buying more BATMAN units from us near the future. To obtain maximum enjoyment from your THE JOKER Unit please follow the instruction we have included below.
Name: The Joker
Type: Human Male
Height: 6' 3"
Weight: 192 lbs
Manufacturer: Psychos R Us & Co.
Your THE JOKER Unit comes with:
One set of face paints
One bottle of cheap green hair dye
Knives of various lengths
One Nurse uniform
HENCHMEN Units sold separately
Your THE JOKER Unit has been designed to be both easy and fun to use. His controls are voice activated, but he probably won't listen to you and will act of his own accord.
Besides making bold fashion statements and being an insane agent of chaos, your THE JOKER Unit has various other exciting functions.
Agent of Chaos
Do you feel like spreading mayhem and destruction in your city? Want to introduce a little anarchy? You're THE JOKER Unit will do just that. He'll do what he does best; he'll take the plans of schemers and turns them of themselves. And if you happen to be looking for revenge; the thing about chaos; it's fair.
Psychotic Mass Murderer
Feel like killing lots of people or making them kill each other? Your THE JOKER Unit is an expert in that. Leave it to him to plant bombs in hospitals and on ferries. And he's a man of simple tastes. He enjoys dynamite, gunpowder and gasoline. They're cheap. So stock up now.
Is there an annoying caped crusader that you wish to get rid off? Your THE JOKER Unit is the man for the job! With all kinds of devious plots, traps and aces up his sleeves, he's sure to get rid of your masked menace for good.
Note: Be prepared to pay a lot for the job. If he's good at something, he'll never do it for free.
In need of a particularly devious plan? All you need is your THE JOKER Unit! Your THE JOKER Unit will come up with all kinds of traps and plots that are perfect for drawing vigilantes out of hiding, killing lots of people and turning district attorney's mad.
Note: He may insist that he's like a dog chasing cars; he wouldn't know what to do with one if he caught one. Does he look like a guy with a plan?
Man of Your Dreams
Tired of all the nice, gentlemanly and horrendously boring guys out there? Hate your lying boyfriend? Then your THE JOKER Unit is the perfect substitute. He is an agent of chaos, a freak. And he's a man of his word.
Note: Our THE JOKER Units are immune to any Mary Sue charms. We suggest you don't even try.
The THE JOKER Unit does not like to be cleaned. Refrain from washing it more than once every two weeks. However, removing its face paint once in a while is acceptable, as long as you don't leave it off for too long. Also, never, ever wash together with a BRUCE WAYNE/BATMAN Unit unless both units have been set to the SLASH mode beforehand.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q: My THE JOKER Unit keeps blowing up things and kills people for no reason. Why?
A: While it may seem stupid of him to do that since it will bring the entire local police force after him (and you), some units aren't looking for anything logical. Some units just want to watch the world burn.
Q: Why does my THE JOKER Unit keep asking me 'Why so serious?'?
A: Why so serious? Relax. Your JOKER Unit just loves to have fun, fun that involves killing people and blowing things up. Why not join in? Let him put a smile on your face.
Q: Why does my THE JOKER Unit laugh when I beat him up?
A: Don't get your Kevlar in a knot. It's nothing to worry about, he simply enjoys it. On the other hand, has he just kidnapped your ex-girlfriend and her boyfriend? He may be enjoying your torment because you have nothing, nothing to threaten him with, nothing to do with all your strength.
Note: Think twice before you race off to save her after he's told you their location. This is the THE JOKER Unit you're dealing with.
Problem: My THE JOKER Unit insists on wearing cowboy boots and a hat and makes sexual advances towards other male units.
Solution: You have accidentally been sent an ENNIS DEL MAR Unit of Ang Lee's Brokeback Mountain line of units. If you wish to exchange the unit for a THE JOKER Unit, please fill in the form provided and we will be glad to send you a THE JOKER Unit in exchange. However, if you wish to keep your ENNIS Unit, we recommend you to buy a JACK TWIST Unit in order to keep him company.
Problem: My THE JOKER Unit keeps killing all my HENCHMEN Units.
Solution: That is part of his programming. Tough luck.
Problem: My THE JOKER Unit has blown up my RACHEL DAWES Unit, turned my HARVEY DENT/TWO-FACE Unit insane and gotten my BRUCE WAYNE/BATMAN Unit framed for murder.
Solution: Haven't you read the information on the packaging before purchasing this unit? It is part of his programming. However, if you wish to avoid these problems, we suggest you run the Won't-Kill-Out-Of-Some-Misplaced-Sense-Of-Self-Righteousness Override on your BRUCE WAYNE/BATMAN Unit and make him do it. Come on, come on. Make him hit your THE JOKER Unit with his BATPOD Unit.
Note: We cannot guarantee the safety and survival of your RACHEL DAWES Unit and HARVEY DENT/TWO-FACE Unit. While they were being abducted, your THE JOKER Unit was sitting in JIM GORDON Unit's cage! He didn't rig those charges. No hard feelings, right?
Problem: My THE JOKER Unit threw my ex-girlfriend out of a window!
Solution: Did you corner him at a billionaire's fundraiser? Telling him to let her go was a very poor choice of words.
Tormented Past Inc. is not responsible for any buildings blown up, Glasgow grins carved or deaths caused by your THE JOKER Unit's terrorist activities. We hope you enjoy your THE JOKER Unit and keep in mind that whatever he does that doesn't kill you will simply make you stranger.
Thanks for reading!