A/N: 5/1/2009 Well, fine. I'll keep it uploaded:
Okay, this has really been bugging me ever since I saw that episode of Justice League Unlimited in which Wonder Woman and Shayera fight together in the underworld to free Hades from an evil sorcerer.
Anyway, in the start, Diana is visited by Hermes.
Now I thought at the time (and every time I run across this scene), wouldn't Hermes be sort of the patron god of speedsters? Why then did neither Hermes or Wally ever mention or show an interest in each other?
This is a quickie fic inspired by a really fluffy plot bunny that I was unable to stomp into oblivion in time.
"You know, Hermes, you may be the fastest god in Diana's fantasy world--I mean---mythical world, but I'm The Fastest Man Alive in the DC universe. Let's race!"
"You are like, so on."
[I'd describe the race, but it went so fast I couldn't see it happen so as to give play-by-play commentary. Them's the breaks. Live with it.]
"I won!" Wally did his happy Flash victory lap around the world while Hermes sulked.
"You know, man, what this means?" The Messenger God said once Wally returned.
"Yeah...I'm faster than you. Faster,fastest,faster,faster,fasterthanyou!"
Hermes rolled his eyes. "Right....I concede your win. Which rather brings up the Speed Rider."
Wally stopped his gloating. "The...what?"
"You know how Santa has the Santa Clause?"
"Well, the rulebook for Gods of speed has a rider in it."
"Okay...and that means?"
"Since you beat me in a race, you now become the new Messenger of the Gods."
"You mean like...an actual W4 type job? Employment at a celestial Federal Ex?"
"Got it in one man," Hermes nodded. "The gig comes with a paycheck, Health benefits, Pension Plan, the works. Oh...and as carrier of all the godly messages you are kind of privy to a lot of juicy Olympus and Earth gossip that you're not really suppose to be reading."
"Oh, and the uniform."
"Well, I kind of got one of those already," Wally pointed out his red and gold suit. Hermes, though, shook his head.
"Nope, sorry, man. Rules. Messenger of the Gods has to wear regulation duds."
Wally was aghast. "You mean, I'd have to wear...?"
"Yep." Hermes twirled like a model forcing Wally to turn quickly away before he gagged.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Don't do that again---seriously! Now I know why they say there are things mortal man was not meant to know...or see." He took a deep breath. "Dude, I can't possibly run in that...dress thing."
"Tunic. I can vouch that's it's really comfortable...especially in the summer climes. Besides, the moral standards censorship thing has been kind of passe for a few decades now. It's good."
"Whatever!" Wally pinched the bridge of his nose. "Look, Whatever you think....I'm called the Flash---not The Flasher. No amount of job benefits is worth risking getting arrested for indecent exposure. Plus, I'm not really all that keen on putting my protective 'speed aura' to the test when it comes to guarding the Flash family jewels. Let's forget the whole thing."
"Actually, I was kind of looking forward to trying out some of those Bermuda shorts I've seen advertised in these catalogs Apollo subscribes to. Also the flip-flops. Maybe settle down in one of those Margaretville bungalows advertised...where was that page?" Hermes pulled out a travel magazine and started flipping through it.
"Margaritaville," Wally corrected.
"Whatever. I'm ready to retire, Man. Fallen arches and bunions are starting to take their toll."
"Tough. I'm not wearing a dress."
"Tunic," Hermes again corrected him.
"Tun-ic this. I'm abdicating on godhood."
"Rules. You can't run away from your responsibility." Hermes produced the legal paperwork. "Consider yourself served."
"You'd have to catch me first, slow poke." Wally grinned at the annoyed god as he wiggled his fingers in goodbye. "Toodles," In an instant, there was nothing left of where the modern-age speedster had been but a little dust cloud.
Hermes sighed. "Well, damn."
The problem with finding someone able to trigger the Speed Rider was that they were also too fast to saddle with taking over the gig.
The Messenger God went back to delivering his messages before they got magically marked 'Late Delivery' and Hera threw a cow--which some days was the transformed Zeus---which made the Olympian King rather testy for the whole day.
One thing was for certain...Wally West was off Hermes protection and holy days gift exchange list.