"Doctor Felicity Urchins overseeing patients of the "group therapy" session 108. Welcome, everyone, to your first group session together."
"Felicity Urchins?" The distinct voice of the Joker answered, giggling madly. "Do you know that your initials are 'F.U.'?"
Groans from some of the other inmates.
"Leave it to you, Joker," Two Face growled.
"Can you at least attempt to lead a dignified conversation?" The Penguin asked snobbishly.
"You all leave Mistah Jay alone! He can't help it if you bozos don't understand fine humor," Harley quickly jumped to the defense of her man.
"I am quite aware, thank you, patient," Dr. Urchins said coolly. "How is everyone feeling today?"
"Horrible," Two Face said.
"Just dandy," said the Penguin.
"It is a little cold in here for my tastes," Scarecrow said casually.
"How are we supposed to feel?" Poison Ivy snapped sarcastically.
"I don't think it's cold in here," Harley said, smiling brightly.
"FEEEEELINGS!!" The Joker sung happily.
"Will you SHUT UP?" Catwoman hissed. "What the hell am I doing in here with these loons, anyways? I'm perfectly sane! I just have . . . er . . ."
"Issues?" Poison Ivy provided, rolling her eyes. "Join the club, sister."
"WHY CAN'T WE BE FRIENDS, WHY CAN'T WE BE FRIENDS?! . . ."
"Joker, can you SHUT THE HELL UP for just ONE DAMN MINUTE?" Catwoman shrieked.
"Is there some reason you don't enjoy the patient expressing himself?" Dr. Urchins asked.
"It would be different if he wasn't so damn irritating!" Catwoman exhaled angrily.
The Joker mouth 'Me?' dramatically, putting a hand to his mouth in mock surprise and horror.
"Don't you insult my puddin'!" Harley said threateningly.
"Don't you start on me!" Catwoman leaned forward in her chair aggressively.
"Back off, kitty," Poison Ivy intervened on her friends' behalf, snarling. "Your outnumbered, and there's no bat to come and save you."
"Why you . . . !" Catwoman hissed, but Dr. Urchins put up a hand.
"Why don't you tell the patient, in your best, kindest words what seems to be the issue between you two," Dr. Urchins suggested.
"Oh, way to single me out, Doc," The Joker's lit up in gleeful anticipation, despite his pretend hurtful tone of voice.
Everyone seemed to take this as a cue to express their annoyance with the Joker.
"You are just too DAMN HAPPY!" Harvey Two-Face growled.
"You have a complete lack for personal space," Crane mused. "And no tact whatsoever."
"You make the worst jokes!" The Penguin shook his head, frowning. "At the most inappropriate times!"
"You are the most horrible, vile creature to ever walk this planet," Catwoman sneered.
"I LOVE YOU MISTAH JAY!" Harley suddenly launched herself at her surprised lover and kissed him fully on the lips.
Poison Ivy laughed as the guards came forward and yanked her away from the Joker. She was blushing and her eyes were bright with delight. The Joker shook in silent laughter, a real feat for him, since he very rarely quietly laughed. He patted Harley's thigh and winked at her, though no one else noticed.
"Do you have any ideas on how the patient could improve?" Dr. Urchins asked patiently.
"Yeah, he could drop dead," Catwoman said viciously.
"Heavy medication might be a great idea," The Penguin said.
"He just needs more love," Harley said sympathetically, making patterns on the Joker's chest with her index finger. He smirked, putting an arm around her. The guards hesitated, wondering if they should break the two apart or not.
"May I suggest deoderant and a toothbrush?" Poison Ivy said dryly.
"What is your reaction to all of this, patient?" Dr. Urchins asked the Joker kindly.
"Don't you know us all well enough by now to call us by our, uh, names, Doc?" The Joker winked flirtatiously and Harley frowned.
"Not yet, patient," Dr. Urchins said, smiling slightly. "Do I need to repeat the question?"
The Joker pretended to think about it for a long time. "Well, I feel bad for them, of course."
Catwoman's jaw dropped open. Crane made a mental note -- Joker can feel a tinge of empathy -- and Ivy looked bored. "What are you trying to say, Joker?" Penguin asked.
"Why, you're all jealous, of course!" The Joker laughed easily. "My superior skills and ranking with the giant Bat spark your envy! Understandable, of course. I mean, on top of that, I am devilishly good looking and have the best personality. What's not to be jealous of?"
Jonathan Crane quickly scratched out his mental note and Two-Face's hand clenched into a fist.
There was silence for a moment.
"I hate you," Catwoman hissed.
"You're not helping your case any, kitters," The Joker blew her a kiss. "Send that to Batsy, will you? I know he comes to visit you, and sometimes I see him with tears in his eyes, wishing, just wishing, that you and he could be together . . . forever . . ."
"You dirty liar!" Catwoman shrieked in rage. "You... you... you freak!"
Harley gasped and the Joker raised an eyebrow. "Freak?" He repeated, his voice no longer humorous and the ambiance of the room suddenly growing ice cold. "Freak?"
Dr. Urchins sensed danger, and she quickly tried to wrap up the session. "Great work, everyone. I hope to see you all next week. You are dismissed."
Two Face, Scarecrow, Ivy, and the Penguin made a run for it, not wanting to get caught in a Joker fight. They knew he had still had a few knives hidden on him. Catwoman sniffed and went over to her guard, but the Joker quickly caught up to her.
"Next time you see Bats," He said lowly so that only she could here. "Give him this for me, will ya'? I colored it in art time just for him." He slipped a piece of paper into her hand, smiling horribly and letting Harley lead him out of the room by his hand. The pair were accompanied by five guards.
Catwoman looked down at the paper in her hands and slowly unfolded it. She flinched back in disgust upon seeing it, her nose crinkling and her eyes dilating slightly in horror.
On the paper was a crude picture of her in her suit, bloody and battered, with many knives sticking out of her and a pool of blood around her. On the bottom of the paper, in large, red letters, there was the sentence: 'I DO NOT SHARE'.
Catwoman crumpled up the paper in her fist and reluctantly let the guard take her away.
She really hated group therapy sessions.
This is complete and utter randomness. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.
Oops. Maybe I should have put that first? Oh well!
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