"This is Dr. Noah Zhee overseeing voluntary hero group therapy session one. Welcome, everyone."
"Er . . . I'm not really sure if I should be here," Gordon said uncomfortably, looking around the room and feeling out of place. Batman invited him . . . no, insisted that he . . . Well, honestly, Batman had picked him up and flat out told him he was going to therapy. Gordon had just assumed Batman wanted some type of couples or family counseling, depending on what floats your boat.
Gordon wasn't quite counting on nearly all of the Justice League and Robin, as well.
"Of course you should, Commissioner," Batman said, glaring at Gordon darkly.
"Listen, Bats, can we speed this thing up?" Superman looked rather disinterested in the session, as did most of his colleagues. "I think Australia's being attacked by Doomsday as we speak and I probably should be all over that right about now."
"Yeah, and I've got a Hades-trying-to-destroy-my-home-and-kidnap-my-mother-because-apparently-he's-my-father-and-my-mom-has-really-bad-taste-and-is-kind-of-a-bitch-but-I-love-and-protect-her-anyways-for-some-reason-even-though-she-totally-disowned-me-and-I-FREAKING-HATE-HER-but-I'm-Wonder-Woman-and-am-better-than-that-PWN appointment in twenty minutes," Wonder Woman said in one long breath.
"And I want Starbucks!" The Flash piped in, convinced that he did not sound whiny whatsoever. "The one in Indonesia by that doughnut place that gives me extra glazedness closes in like five minutes!"
Gordon kindly handed Wally one of his extra doughnuts while Batman sulked. "I thought it was a good idea," he rasped. "Considering we all have issues. Lots and lots of issues."
"I don't have issues," Hawkgirl said, raising an eyebrow at Wally as he scarfed down the doughnut.
"Yes, you do," Green Lantern said pointedly.
"Please, everyone, shut up," Dr. Zhee said nicely, secretly relieved that none of them has made fun of his name. He was so used to the patients calling him Dr. Nosey that he was on six different types of medication to deal with his personal turmoil. "Batman is right. You all have a lot of issues. So let's start talking about them."
The room was silent.
"All of my family died and now I'm stuck with an OCD billionaire who drags me around places to beat up bad guys," Robin suddenly said, his bottom lip quivering. "I always wanted to start a puppy adoption agency, but no . . . I have to be a superhero!"
"My entire planet exploded and I suffer from intense depression because I just can't seem to save the world enough," Superman sniffled. "Oh, and my salary sucks."
"I could go on all day about my issues," growled the Batman. "We really just don't have that kind of time."
"I'm too perfect!" Wonder Woman abruptly burst into tears and placed her head on top of an uncomfortable Batman's shoulder. He awkwardly patted her head as she sobbed.
"I'm a bitch!" Hawkgirl wailed. "And my skills can't even compare to Wonder Woman's skillz!"
"I'm unimaginative!" Green Lantern snivelled.
"I'm amazing and incredible in every way, shape, and form!" The Flash placed his head into his hands and openly began to cry.
"Maybe I should just . . . go . . ." Gordon said, wondering what the hell was wrong with these people.
All of the superheroes fell off of their chairs and into the middle of the floor, where they all huddled together and cried on each others shoulders. Even the unwilling Batman stiffly comforted Wonder Woman even as she pulled him to the ground with the rest of them.
Dr. Zhee was at a loss for words, especially when witnessing Superman blowing his nose on his own cape. He was astounded by their actions and was immensely grateful the session was being taped so that he could dissect each individuals' behavior at a later time.
Suddenly, a window appeared in the room and Batgirl came zipping in. "Hey, sorry I'm late and - er . . . is everything alright?" She gazed down upon the group on the floor with discern.
"We were just in the middle of therapy," Gordon said helpfully.
"Oh, thanks, Dad," Batgirl suddenly realized her error. "Um, I mean -!"
"I'm sorry, Batgirl," Gordon smiled. "I have temporarily gone deaf in both ears and did not hear a word you just said."
Batgirl let out a sigh of relief before realizing that Robin had randomly attached himself to her leg and was sobbing into her knee. "Get a grip, Robin," she muttered, shaking him off.
"Now, group, while it is wonderful that you are so comfortable releasing your feelings, let us get a grip on ourselves, shall we?" Dr. Zhee tried to regain control unsuccessfully, for the superheroes ignored him and instead grouped even more tightly into a huge ball of superheroness.
"Can't . . . breathe . . ." Batman tried in vain to escape from the awkward situation, but Wonder Woman had a death grip around his neck and Superman was now using Batman's cape to wipe his tears. Hawkgirl and Green Lantern were locked in an awkward embrace and the Flash was curled up into a protective ball. After Batgirl had kicked him off, Robin had been flat on the floor, crying like a small child.
The three sane individuals in the room sat quietly as they waited for the heroes to get a grip on themselves and silently sympathized with the drowning Batman, though not enough to help him. I mean, it was Batman's fault in the first place that they were all there.
"Okay, this has gone far enough!" Batgirl said suddenly and all of the room suddenly looked at her attentively. "I'm going to place you all into the therapy I think you need today, because group therapy is really not working for you guys right now." She placed one finger on her lips and examined the bunch. "Okay, Wonder Woman and Batman: couples therapy. You too, Green Lantern and Hawkgirl. Flash and Superman . . . er, best friends counseling? Robin, Dad, and I (oh, I mean Commissioner Gordon. None of you heard that!) will have our own therapy dealing with our various Bat-related issues. Everyone clear?" They nodded. "Now go!"
As the superheroes all went their different directions, Dr. Zhee wondered if he would still get paid for group therapy. He was trying to save up for his own bunny farm.
And he did so much love his bunnies.
Several hours later, Batgirl, Robin, and Gordon came out of their group therapy session looking rather relaxed. "Nice call there, Batgirl," Gordon said. "I feel much better just getting our core issues out of the way."
"Like the fact that Alicia Silverstone played me in that horrible movie," Batgirl shook her head sadly. "She wasn't even a redhead! WHAT THE HELL?"
Robin was sucking on his thumb and silently nodded in agreement with his companions. Batgirl suddenly smiled and put her arm around Robin. "And I won't forget my promise to get you some puppies when we get back, Robin."
Robin clapped his hands together, jumping up and down and giggling. Gordon twitched subconsciously.
"Should we go check on everyone else?" Batgirl suggested. Robin nodded enthusiastically, sticking his thumb back into his mouth, and Gordon reluctantly agreed.
They stopped by Green Lantern and Hawkgirl's room first. Peering in, they saw the two bickering violently as their psychiatrist cowered in a corner.
"Uh . . . let's come back to them later," Batgirl suggested.
"That sounds like a good idea," Gordon said quickly, watching awkwardly as the pair suddenly launched themselves at each other and aggressively locked lips. Robin watched in amazement, his smiling mouth dropped wide open. "C'mon, kid," Gordon said gruffly, hauling Robin away by the scruff of his uniform. Poor Robin looked very put out.
They stopped by Wonder Woman and Batman's room next, but to their surprise, the two superheroes were just on their way out. Wonder Woman was beaming and Batman looked slightly less sullen as usual.
"Hello, there, little bat children and old bat buddy," Wonder Woman said with a perfect Wonder Woman smile when they saw each other. "How did your counseling go?"
"I resent being called a child, but good," Batgirl said.
"I resent being called old, but since it's true . . ." Gordon trailed off, lost in thought. Just how old was he?
Robin suddenly went up to Batman and kicked him in the shin. This did not faze Batman whatsoever. "That was for giving me a seven-o-clock bed time."
Batman just looked down at him dispassionately. "Where did that come from?"
"The nice lady told me to express my feelings," Robin shrugged, sticking his thumb back in his mouth. Gordon twitched again.
Batgirl noticed something strange. "Are you two holding hands?"
"Um -" Batman tried to quickly pull out of the Amazon's embrace, but she held on rather blissfully.
"What are you doing with her?" came a sudden shriek, and everyone whipped around to see Catwoman being transported between cells, though she was currently struggling against two very strong guards, her eyes bulged out at the sight of Batman and Wonder Woman together.
"Um - um -" Batman was nearly dislocating his arm as he tried to release Wonder Woman's hand, though she just held on tighter, nearly cutting off his circulation.
"He loves me!" Wonder Woman shouted back, though still with a perfect Wonder Woman smile.
"Um - um - um -" Batman attempted to grasp at anything near enough to him to attempt to pull away from his companion. Gordon, Batgirl, and Robin all began to back away slowly from the scene.
"You wish, you hippie cowgirl half-naked Queen of the Wannabes!"
"Who are you calling half-naked?"
"Help . . . me . . ." Batman rasped desperately, reaching out for the trio, who wisely turned around and fled, hearing loud insults from behind them as they ran for their lives.
"I bet your boobs aren't even real!"
"Right, like a whip is really subtle -!"
"Batman is so stupid," Batgirl said as soon as they got out of range. Her companions nodded, and Robin stuck his thumb back into his mouth. Gordon had to contain himself from not bashing his head into the nearest wall.
"I guess we should go check on Superman and Flash," said Batgirl, but when they went to their therapy room, the pair wasn't there. Deciding that they didn't care very much, the trio went into the break room, where coffee awaited all of them. Except for Robin. Do I really need to explain why?
Upon not finding Superman and the Flash, the three decided to go steal some doughnuts from the lounge room before heading home. Much to their surprise . . .
"Hey Bat people! What's hangin'?" The Flash waved at them quickly, his hand a blur.
Batgirl groaned. "Seriously? You guys had to eat all the doughnuts already?"
Superman shrugged. "We're growing boys, you know."
Batgirl shot Superman a suspicious look. "No, you aren't. You're, like, forty years old."
"Hey! I resent that. I'm thirty-nine."
Robin started crying, wishing he had a doughnut. Everyone just ignored him.
"Well, I guess I'll just be heading home now," said Gordon, ready to forget this day ever happened.
"Okay, see you at home, Dad! Er, I mean -"
"Bye, Mr. G!" Flash said over Batgirl.
"See ya', Gordon," said Superman, nodding amicably.
Robin waved and giggled. Gordon briefly convulsed.
As he walked out of Arkham Asylum, he thought deeply about early retirement.
Aw, poor Gordon . . . Surrounded by freaks. I get that. Kind of. Actually, I'm usually considered to be one of those freaks . . . Er . . . Moving on . . .
Anyways, thanks for stopping by! I hope I made you giggle. :)
Don't forget to leave a review on your way out! Or I might just sic Robin on you . . . And trust me, you don't want that happening.
Disclaimer: I don't want to own these guys. Seriously. Take them.