Sorry for another long update. Midterms, snowstorms, Christmas and New Years. They're might be some more inappropriateness in this chappie since it'll mainly focus on the FG characters. YAYY, MORE QUAGMIRE!!! Giggity XD
In Recent Attacks
It had only been a week since the Griffins had up and vanished from Quahog. Nobody had seemed to realize this yet, despite the Griffins having been known to cause quite a lot of trouble (Especially Peter). Quagmire, Cleveland, Mort, Adam West, not even Old Man Herbert, always looking forward to Chris's newspaper deliveries.
Indeed, nobody seemed to notice the situation yet.
For the first to know would be the cop who had driven Peter out of Qhahog.
"Morning, Bonnie." Joe greeted cheerfully as he rolled into the kitchen in his police uniform.
"Morning, Joe." His wife said cheerfully as she poured a cup of coffee, "You're leaving this early for work?"
"Yeah, not sure if he'll even remember, but Peter's got a trial today for his recent robbery."
"Oh dear…but Peter doesn't do anything like that that often."
"Oh, he does Bonnie. He does."
"Well, I don't know if you've noticed this Joe…" She spoke, handing him a cup, "But I've tried to call Lois all week for some girl-to-girl chat, but she hasn't picked up. In fact, I haven't heard any of the kids playing or anything."
"Well, they couldn't have left." He chuckled, "Lois wouldn't let him leave knowing he had a trial coming up."
"Well…what if he didn't tell her?"
Leaving his coffee on a table, he rolled outside as fast as he could and up to the door of next-door, slamming his bat at it.
"PETER! Peter, open the door! Lois! Meg! Chris!…Brian? Stewie?"
No answer came whatsoever. He even strolled around the house for a way inside. A ladder was conveniently placed by Chris's window, but alas, his legs would not move.
"Dammit! Huh? What's this?"
He took a glance at the handwriting on the side of the ladder.
Return to Herbert
"Oh heyyyy!" A high-pitched voice came as coming up was the old Mr. Herbert in his bathrobe. "Thanks for finding my ladder which happened to uh, be here!"
"Er, no problem, Herb." Joe said handing ladder to the man, "Hey, by any chance you haven't seen any of the Griffins home this week, have you?"
"Actually, no I haven't." He replied, "I haven't come by to watch that boy change-Er, I mean he hasn't come by for delivery."
"OOH! What about watching people change!?" Jumping out of a tree came Quagmire, looking rather giddy as usual.
"Quagmire, what were you doing up there?" Joe questioned suspiciously.
"Lookin to see if Lois was changing(gig)."
"Yeah, well you're only saying that 'cause you can't get pleasure from your wife!" He snapped defensively.
"YOU HAD TO BRING THAT UP, DIDN'T YOU!?" He roared.
"Hey HEY! What's going on here!?" Joining the group came in Mort, rubbing his head. "I was just on my way to the pharmacy and heard all this, argh I'm gonna get SUCH a migraine!"
"Mort, none of the Griffins came to the pharmacy this past week, have they??" Joe demanded, ignoring his horny neighbor.
"Actually, no, they haven't. And Neil says he hasn't seen Meg or Chris at school either."
"What, Lois is gone!?" Quagmire gasped, suddenly panicked, "Oh dear god, where'd she go!?"
"Excuse me?" Stepping out of the bushes came a young man dressed in a butler's attire, "I've come from the Pewtershmidt Mansion to bring a collect call. Are any of the Griffins present?"
"Uh…no?" Joe said.
"Then I'll leave this to you." He replied, handing the cop a cell phone. Joe held it against his ear to only find it was on speaker when the phone's owner began talking.
"Hey, Lois, your mom and I are in Florida now in some peasant's tourist shop for the heck of it. I tried calling you on both your house phone and your cell phone, but no one's picked up so I hired some butler from my place just to find you. Anyway, I need opinions on which shirt would suit you better. One says 'My husband is a burden', and the other one says, 'Where can I get a better man?"
"Er-Mr. Pewtershmidt, this is Lois's neighbor, Joe Swanson."
"Oh yeah, the cripple?"
"…..Yes. Lois and the others haven't been here all week."
"Huh. Well, then where the hell are they?"
The six (one currently in Florida) stood there in an awkward silence, confused as to what was going on. Then, from out of nowhere a light rumbling from the ground came.
"What was that?" Herbert asked.
The rumbling came again, but a little louder and harder, making it hard for everyone to keep their balance.
"Woah-WOAH!!" Guagmire spazzed, "What's going on!?"
"A-Are we getting an earthquake!?" Mort stammered.
The rumbling came again, and this time, Joe caught a blur of something big, white, and scaly of a tail flying from above.
"What is that!?" He cried as the thing gave a screech and stretched out across the street to hit Cleveland's house, sending a great chunk of the walls apart. This revealed the disturbed man in his bath tub.
"WHAT THE HELL!?" He cried. The floor that held him began to tip forward out of the gaping hole, "No-no-no-no-NOOO!"
With a CRASH, the bath-tub with him in it slid out and onto the ground outside the house, shattering it to pieces.
"….AW, COME ON!!" He roared, "Even when they've been gone for a week, THIS STILL HAPPENS EVERY TIME I TAKE A FREAKING BATH!!"
All of Spooner Street's inhabitants, and all other citizens around the town crept out of their houses and or buildings, startled by the disruption, but only to meet something far by worse.
Casting a menacing shadow over the entire town was a large, something-hundred feet tall snake, pale white and scaly as it's tail, hissing and screeching over them. Sitting on the head was it's master, along with a few others unrecognizable from the distance afar. One of them held a megaphone for the leader.
"I would like to see your Kage!!" He cried out.
The townsfolk's fear turned to confusion, as they looked at each other, wondering what a 'kage' was.
"…Er, what was that?" He whispered, as a tiny unrecognizable figure told something to him ,"…Oh, right, right, the ways of your village….I would like to see your mayor!!"
"You have my attention, villain!!" Stepping out of a black car came an overly confident Adam West, with his own megaphone, "What sort of negotiations do you plan to make with us, fiend!?"
"Negotiations? Haha, oh no. Seeing as to how your village is weak and your oddly dressed shinobi possess no chakra, theres no need for negotiations."
Several of Quahog sprang up questions.
"Village?" "Shinobi?" "Chakra?" "What is this, one of those loser animes?"
The last question, sent by the popular Connie Demico, caused the snake to whip it's tail at her, sending the screaming girl sky-high.
"What do you mean by no need for negotiations?" Mayor West interrogated.
"No negotiations as in, 'screw listening to you! I have the upper-hand, and therefore, will destroy many of you and take your village for my own!' BWAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!"
"Oh no!!" A woman cried, others following her.
Everybody turned to the Kool-aid man who had crashed right through a random building. He earned many stares for his random outburst, making him slowly back away silently.
"…ATTACK!!" Oro cried.
"ROOOOAARRRR!!" The snake roared as he threw his body around, destroying dozens of buildings and sending the people on a frenzy.
"Oh my god, WE'RE GONNA DIE!!!"
"It's an early 2012!!"
"I wanted to go to Vegas like they did in the Hangover!!"
During the first few minutes of the Snake's rampage, Joe reunited with his police forces, all had guns and tanks pointing up at the beast.
"OPEN FIRE!!" He cried, as bullets and missiles shot out wildly. Several were struck down at them by the snake's tail, but a few lodged into it's side, making him screech in agony.
"Persistent, eh?" Oro sneered, rubbing his chin. "Sound Four! Unleash hell!!"
Four figures jumped down from above, opening some strange rolls of parchment and making strange hand-signs.
"What are they doing…?" Joe tensed, hiding behind a half-destroyed tank. Several 'poofs' exploded from they're scrolls, and just like that, hundreds of weapons- kana, shuriken, swords, axes, and more- were raining down upon the town. Either they planted themselves in cars, roads, screaming runaways, or buildings.
"We need back-up! Back-up is urgent!! Back-up is-"
He had no time to move as he caught a flash of several swords coming at him.
He stopped screaming. No pain? He looked down, to see that they all had happened to only land in his lower body, waist down.
The four attackers landed around all of the policemen and military workers left in the area. The only girl in their group, with bright red hair wearing a tunic like the rest, pulled out a flute.
"I'll play you the melody of death!!" She cackled, as she blew into it, an 80's tune coming out. All others knew this tune, and in horror, they fell to the ground, covering their ears in pain.
"DEAD OR ALIVE??"
The man of the sound four, who had dark-tanned skin and several arms coming out of his body, took out a microphone per hand, and sung into all of them.
"You spin me right round, baby right round!
Like a record, baby-
Right round round round!
You spin me right round, baby right round!
Like a record, baby-
Right round round round~!!!"
"NOOOOOoooooo!!!!" Joe cried as he toppled out of his chair.
"YES!!!" Orochimaru cried triumphantly, "FEAR MEEEE!!!! AHAHAHAHA!!!"
"You spin me right round, baby right round…~"
"…Like a record, baby, right round round round…"
"Huh? Oh sorry, got this song stuck in my head."
"What I was saying is you have a visitor." The nurse spoke as she walked over to the door. A worried-struck Lois came running in.
"Oh, Peter! Are you alright??"
"Meh, the same." Peter shrugged. He was lying in a bed in the small room of the village's hospital. He was wrapped in bandages and casts all over his body except for the face. Other than all of these wounds and him being obese, he was the same as usual, in other words, 'completely fine.' Naruto sat nearby in a chair, having fallen asleep.
"The same!? Look at you, you're a complete wreck! Argh, I KNEW I shouldn't have let you done this!!"
"Relax, Lois, it was the same chicken that comes out of nowhere and wastes two minutes of an episode for a destructive battle."
"I don't care if it was the same chicken or a different one! What if it was Chris or Meg who were in the same fate!?"
"Chris is a strong boy, and Meg's a manly man like that."
"MEG ISN'T A MAN!!"
"Is everything alright?" Kakashi came in with the rest of Team 7, followed by Tsunade.
"No, of course not!!" Lois snapped. I thought you guys said this was a C-rank mission? You said nothing remotely life-threatening happens on these kind of missions!"
"Yes, that is true." Kakashi sighed. "Unless the person in need lies about what needs to be done."
"We had an incident when we started out as genin." Sasuke spoke out, "A fisherman named Tazuna wanted to be escorted back to the Land Hidden In the Waves, just in case."
"It started out as a C-ranked mission at first." Sakura frowned.
"When it seemed to have slipped his mind that not mentioning hired rogue ninjas and mobs coming after him was what would've changed it to B-rank or higher." Kakashi finished darkly.
"What!?" Lois gasped.
"He didn't have the money to offer for better protection of higher ranked shinobi." Sakura shrugged.
"Well…so what?" They all turned to see Naruto was up, "We all made it out of one piece, didn't we?"
"Yeah, except maybe, oh I don't know, Kakashi sensei's body getting shredded and Sasuke-kun nearly dying!!" Sakura retorted.
An awkward silence issued, and Peter broke it with a "Burnnnn…."
"Not to mention Naruto's seal starting to break." Kakashi quietly mumbled under his breath.
"So overall, these things that happen are quite rare." Tsunade started. "But Mr. Griffin, what you've done on this first mission of yours was reckless, unnecessary, foolish, and not only life-threatening to yourself-but to the village around you!!"
Peter cringed in fear, and in Lois's mind she was hoping the Hokage would say something that would kick Peter out from being a shinobi, and back where he was safe.
"……But despite that what all happened out there was unexpected, you defeated your foe as a genin with no ninja-experience what so ever."
Lois's jaw dropped, and Peter smirked.
"Well what can I say? I'm just kick-ass like that."
"WOO-HOO!" Naruto cheered.
"We sent out some anbu to take the body, but by the time they got there he had vanished." She said serious again, "Which means either whoever sent him took the body back…"
Her face grew dark and mysterious-
"….Or he's alive…."
"Ah, he always comes back, I'm used to it right now." Peter shrugged.
"The last person to see him was a shop owner, and she seemed to recognize the wound on his back that had finished him was a bullet wound", She added, "As a ninja, our pride is in sharp pointy weapons-not guns. You didn't finish him with a gun, now did you, Peter?"
He stared at her for an odd moment, before glancing back at Naruto. The boy had his head down and looked saddened by disgrace.
"…Yeah, and so what if I did?"
Naruto's head popped back up, eyes fill with gratitude.
"Peter!" Tsunade boomed.
"Alright alright, I get it, ninja's are too much of wusses to fire a gun."
"I don't want to see you using a gun. It's very disgraceful as a ninja!"
"Well, apparently, you've never seen Full Metal Alchemist…"
"They're not ninjas!"
"Haven't you seen the first two episodes!? The priest has freaking guns with him!"
"NO, I haven't!" She snapped back, marching right out of the room.
"…Well I don't know about you, but she should watch it or read the thing. Very heartrending."
"Just get better soon before we get another mission." Kakashi groaned as he followed the leader.
"Come on, Naruto, lets let him rest." Sakura sighed skipping after Sasuke who took his leave.
"See you, Peter!" He waved happy yet again, running out of the room.
"Ah, alls end that ends well." Peter sighed as he sat back and turned on the TV in the corner of the room with his remote. "Wonder what they'll have on besides Full House."
While he scanned through networks, a tune came out of Lois's pocket.
"What was that?" He asked, eyes still glued to the screen.
"My cell-phone. I got a new ringtone." She said as she opened it. "I haven't really had it on since we got here, but I just brought it along in case I needed to check anything…Oh! A message from Daddy!"
With a beep, she turned it on, "Hello?"
"Lo…i…..GAHH, stupid AT&T NETWORK!!" Roared Carter Pewterschmidt from the other line, "LOIS, ARE YOU THERE!??"
"Calm down Daddy, of course!" She replied, trying to calm down her high pressure-blooded father, "Is anything ok?"
"Ok? OK!? YOU'VE BEEN GONE FOR A WEEK, NO WORD, NOTHING-"
"Daddy, I'm sorry! Peter just suddenly took us on a vacation-"
"Oh, oh, of course! How shocking it must be for it to be his fault!!" He remarked with a major hint of sarcasm.
"Hi, Mr. Pewterschmidt!" Peter greeted happily.
"GO TO HELL!! Lois, do you realize I've been worried sick about you!?"
"Daddy, we've been over this, I'm a grown women, you don't need to know whether I'm in Quahog or any other place in the world!"
"Yeah, uh actually, when it comes to your daughter's town being attacked and completely destroyed to nothing but dust, it'd be reassuring to know she's elsewhere and ALIVE."
"Hey, look, Lois, they've got our News Station!" Peter exclaimed, pointing at the TV. The static on screen was unusually fuzzy then it was in any news special, but eventually it faded revealing the two hosts for Quahog's news channel. And yet for an unknown reason, they're clothes appeared to be slightly torn.
"Good Evening, I'm Tom Tucker."
"And I'm Dianne Simmons."
"Our first news update is IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD!!! ALL WE KNOW AND LOVE AND CARE FOR IS ALL BEING DESTROYED AT THIS VERY HOUR-"
Anchorman Tom was cut off as Dianne picked up the desk they sat at and smashed it at her partner's face, knocking him out and out of the chair.
"And before Tom loses his sanity, we'll now move to Asian reporter Trisha Takanawa for the news report on the attack on Quahog."
"Oh my god!!" Lois cried.
"It's just like Haiti!!" Peter gasped.
The screen flashed in it's way of static to the asian reporter, clothes too ripped, in front of several destroyed buildings now rocks, some in flames, and lines of the newly homeless lurking about.
"I'm here, Dianne, and behind me this morning was our regular daily town, now completely teared down by terrorists riding what was a giant snake, who called themselves shinobi from the Village Hidden In the Rain."
"Ah, and the followers on the attack also happened to be asian, which means you must know plenty of this, Trisha." Dianne replied.
"If you're assuming I'm also part on this terrorist attack, then no, Dianne, you Americans are judgmental like that. But I do know the term 'shinobi' is ninja, so all that attacked us must be from a village in Japan ran by Ninjas."
"I see, I see. And now we'll move on to Ollie Williams for the report on the attackers. Ollie?"
The screen now showed the size of a town was the big white snake, unidentified figures on top.
"THEY-BEEN-KILLIN-STUFF!!" Cried the african-american on the side.
"Is that what they've been doing?"
"And why is that, Ollie?"
"P-Peter…these shinobi terrorists" Lois looked horrified, her dad had already hung up, "…y-you don't think they're..?"
"Oh, I know, Lois." He said darkly, "….They're the guys who ripped me off of my bet from the SuperBowl!"
"…What? NO, you idiot!! These are the guys who attacked Konoha, and that leader of theirs must have been the one killed the previous Hokage!"
"HOLY CRAP!!" He gasped.
Distraught, they turned off the TV, wanting to not see anymore. But back in Quahog, there were tons for them to see. As Orochimaru sat on his Snake's head with much pride, Stewie shared the same expression. Appearing in a poof next to them was the grumpy-looking Kabuto, a teddy bear in his hand.
"Here's your stupid stuffed lover, or whatever…"
"Oh, Rupert!" Stewie cheered, glomping (ew) his toy, "We're finally together again! And at world's DOMINATION!!! MWAHAHAHA!"
"Hey!" Orochimaru snapped at him, "I'm the one who starts the evil maniacal laughter! Now be quiet so I may speak."
Kabuto held the megaphone to his master, who coughed, then spoke.
"Citizens of the Village Hidden In the Clams-"
"IT'S QUAHOG, YOU PRICK!!" A battle-torn Joe, out of his wheel-chair yelled from below.
"Will now take control of the village, and declare it as…OTAGAKURE…THE SECOND…!"
"That's stupid!!" Cleveland yelped, hiding with several others under Quagmire's RV.
"YOUR'E STUPID! Anyway, this village is only for shinobi with the most dominant on levels of chakra, which means I'm kicking you all out!"
"Woah-woah-woah, just what the HELL??" Bruised Quagmire replied from inside the RV, "This place was where I first got laid, and it's gonna be the place where I DIE getting it!!"
"YEAHH!!" Others cried, followed by several 'Gross..'
"Well, thats a shame, cause I'll kill you anyway, and if you wanna die doing…that, then I'll gladly hook you up with Tayuya."
"HEY!" The girl with the flute snapped.
"Heheh, giggity." Quag smirked.
"Well, where will we live?" Bonnie asked, a bowl hanging from her stomach for unborn baby protection.
"Yes, yes…" He was very glad they had asked that, and nudged Kabuto in the ribs to start speaking. With a grunt, he did.
"Well, if only there was some village of enemies of ours, with the same strength such as us that you could live…and uh,team up with."
Others murmured comments such as "Yeah…" "Sure, why not?" "I guess that'd be nice..."
"Well then, here you go!" Oro cheered as he threw to the ground hundreds of brochures, similar to the one Peter had picked up the day he decided to move.
"We've got the fools eating right out of the palms of our hands!" Stewie told his partner, "Um, cept not really, 'cause that would be kinda gross. But, anyway, didn't I tell you this would work?"
"Indeed you did, Stewart, we were smart enough to let you join us. Isn't that right, Kabuto?"
"Meh…" The servant grumbled.
"And now, we're closer to gaining what we truly we want…" The snake man sneered, looking hungry in his demoniacal way....
"Ahem." Stewie looked anxious.
"….Ah, right. MWAHAHAHAHAHHA!!!!!!"
"HEEHHEHEHEHHEHHEHEHEHEHEH!!" The Sound Four laughed along with them.
Kabuto opened his mouth, and the others glared at him.
That's right, people. NO cutaways in this chapter. I was in a rush, no mood to think of one, and like i said, they're one of the reasons i'm slow at updating. They'll be back, don't worry! Sorry bout any racist jokes (Takanawa and OLLIEEEE), disgusting jokes (Quagmire and Herbert the Pervert), and you know I wasn't being bad against Haiti. Why, I donated $3 for them!