Tifa Learns a Lesson.

Tifa thought it was cute that Vincent and Yuffie were dancing around each other lately. Whenever Yuffie would enter a room, Vincent would make up an excuse (and excuses are something very unlikely for Vincent) to leave. Yuffie, too, got that nervous laugh of hers whenever he was around. Yuffie refused to tell her what happened, but she knew something occurred between them. Something juicy. She just knew. She knew.

"Cloud, we have to do something," she sighed. "They can't avoid each other forever."

"Knowing them, they'll work it out. I wouldn't worry about them too much."

"What I'm worried about is Vincent leaving suddenly like he normally does, leaving Yuffie lovesick," Tifa sighed, thoroughly upset. "Jesus, Cloud, I thought you were their friend!"

"I am," he insisted, "but I know when to keep my nose in my own business. You're not making me do this, woman."

"Cloud!" she protested shrilly.


"Come on!"

"No way."

"Ugh!" she frowned, throwing her arms up exasperatedly in the air. He merely sipped his coffee. He thought she had given up since he wasn't going to budge, but he didn't see the growing gleam in her eye. "Well, fine…" she drawled. "Don't come crying to me if you find Fenrir in disarray."

"Are you threatening me, Lockehart?" Cloud glared, setting down his cup with a defined and slightly angry "click!"

"Maaaaybe," she sang. "Now you are gonna help me get those two in a room. Or, better yet, let's call Reeve and put them on a mission!"

"Do we really want to get Reeve in on this?" he asked skeptically. "No. Stop thinking."

"Fine," she conceded. "Then we'll just lock them in a room together. How about that, hmm?" she asked smartly, grinning. Cloud groaned loudly, about to protest once more, but he noticed her fists. A shiver involuntarily ran down his back and he knew she had him whipped.

"Tiiiiiiffffaaa...if this blows up in your face and Valentine puts that gun in my face, or his pointy boot in my ass, I'm giving you up," he warned.

"You'll do it?" Excitement.

"Fine," he grumbled.


"I said fine, so fine! I'll lock them in a room already!" he cried. "Now will you allow me to enjoy my paper in peace?" Tifa pressed a quick kiss on his cheek happily and he frowned as a blush flamed his face. The spikey haired blond had a bad feeling about this 'plan' of Tifa's, but he'd do it to avoid her fists (and to save Fenrir.)


"Hiya, Yuffie!" Tifa grinned three days later. Apparently, much to Cloud's dismay, she thought this out thoroughly and took two days devising the plan. He was dragged along with it and it was terrible. He couldn't understand why he agreed in the first place, but one look at her fists and he knew why.

The younger brunette looked at Tifa curiously after her enthusiastic greeting, but otherwise replied with a smile of her own.

"Hey, Teef. What's shaking?"

"Nothing much," she said, glancing suspiciously over at the corner. Cloud took the planned hint and came in holding his head in fake pain. He added a groan for dramatic effect.

"Hey, Chocobo Butt, what's wrong?" she asked. "Did baby hurt his head and get a boo boo?"

"Eer, I fell...off...Fenrir," he lied lamely. "And I did hit my head. Thanks for pointing out the obvious."

"Trip over that big ass sword, did ya?" Yuffie teased.

"Yeah," he groaned. "Uh, Yuff, do you know where the aspirin is? You're the last one who used it."

"It's in Tifa's bathroom," she replied simply.

"Could you get it for me?" he questioned pleadingly. "Tifa would kill me if I went in her room."

"Why don't you just ask Ti..." the ninja looked around in surprise at the missing bartender. "Fa...well, I guess I can, Cloud. Didn't know you were such a pussy."

"I have a headache now, but have you seen that woman's fists? What if I saw her unmentionables or something?" Which was partly true. Tifa would most likely kill him on any other occasion of going into her room.

"It'd give you more of a reason to ask her out," she chuckled as he flushed a little. They walked upstairs and down the hallway into Tifa's room, where the heist would take place. Yuffie bounced into the bathroom. "Close your eyes if you don't want to see any undergarments, Spike! Mmkay?"

"Fine," he replied, sneaking up behind her as she shuffled through the cabinet. Right when she found the bottle, her ninja senses kicked in and she turned quickly to the door to see Cloud about to slam it. She darted forward, but he was too fast and shut the door. She heard a loud 'click' and gaped.

"WHAT? Cloud, you dirty bastard!" she shouted. "Let me out! LET ME OUT, YOU GOD DAMNED CHOCOBO HEAD!"

"Sorry, Yuff, but my neck is at stake here," he called, placing the key visibly before the door, but away from Yuffie's nifty ninja skills. "Blame Tifa. Not me."



"Hi Vincent!" Tifa chirped sweetly, cleaning a glass. The red-cloaked man had just arrived through the front door and was a bit perturbed at being greeted so cheerfully. "You're just the man I wanted to see!"

"I...am?" he questioned.

"Yeah!" she nodded in agreement. "You see, there are some really weird noises come out of my room. I think there may be an animal in there or maybe in the ceiling. It's been making me jittery lately, so do you think you could pop your head in and see what's making the noise?"

"Where is Cloud?" he asked. "You would think he'd be able to do this for you."

"Cloud's useless."

"Why?" Vincent persisted, looking at her suspiciously.

"B-Because he's a wimp!" she stuttered quickly, jumping at the look in his scarlet eyes. His gaze scared the crap out of her, to be completely honest, and she couldn't understand how Yuffie could look into Vincent's hellish eyes without flinching. He was her friend, and a sweet guy underneath all the aloofness, but his stare creeped her out.

"A wimp?"

"Yes," she agreed, pulling the puppy eyes that Yuffie had taught her a long time ago. No man could resist. "Please, Vincent? Pretty, pretty please?"

"Alright," he sighed, conceding. "I'll look, but only for a moment."

"Thank you so much!" Tifa cried. "Here, I'll show you."

She showed him up the stairs and down the hallway. Vincent thought this was all some sort of rouse, but when he seriously did hear muffled noises he began to think Tifa wasn't lying. It sounded like a familiar whimper, and he faintly wondered if a child got stuck in the attic.

The first step into the room and he pinpointed the noise immediately. Vincent knew who it was, where she was, and his first thoughts were to flee immediately. He turned around to leave since he avoided direct contact with Yuffie for a successful two weeks, but Tifa had already slammed the door and stuffed the key into the lock. When he tried to open it, it wouldn't budge, and he cursed her for having thick doors.

"Tifa!" he growled. "Let me out!"

There was no response and he sighed, looking nervously at the bathroom door where Yuffie was pouting and most likely having a panic attack. She hated small rooms with no windows—she could handle small spaces on missions, but by herself she grew frightened. He felt bad for her and looked for a way to get her out.

He found a key right in front of the door and he sighed, hating himself momentarily for falling into a trap devised by Tifa. He took the key and looked at the door for a moment, debating whether it was foolish or not to open it. He closed his eyes in annoyance as he chose to open it, for better or for worse.

When he opened the door, he found her sitting on the bathroom floor in tears. Their gaze met and her eyes widened as she wiped away slick salt water.

"What are YOU doing here?" she asked suddenly. He nervously broke away from her gaze and handed her his human arm in a polite gesture to get her off the floor.

"Let's get you out of here, Yuffie," he murmured. She looked at his hand for a moment in indecision before grabbing it, opting to get out of the small bathroom than just staring at him. He helped her into Tifa's bedroom and held her hand a bit too long for his liking. He let go like he touched a burning branch.

"Did they lock us in here?" she asked, sniffling a little. He handed her a handkerchief, which she took gratefully.




"...I'm just gonna sit down then," she murmured. She sat down on the bed and he decided to stand. Sitting on the bed was too dangerous for him, being so close to her.





"I'm sick of this!" she cried after three minutes of complete silence. "We have to talk, Vincent! You can't avoid me forever and I can't avoid you. Can't we just settle that something did happen on the Shera?"

"...I know," he agreed. "We need to talk."

"So let's talk," she said after a moment of silence. He looked at her uneasily, unsure of what to say, and so she decided to plunge in first.

"Do you regret it?" she asked.

"...I'm not sure."

"You seem to," she commented scathingly. "I've been avoiding you because you've been avoiding me. To tell the truth, I quite enjoyed it."

"Yuffie, we can't be friends anymore," he murmured. She froze in shock, gaping at him as she stared directly into his red eyes.

"W-What?" her voice cracked. "Why? Vince...Vinny...Vincent...I don't know how...you serious? You don't…want…oh Gawd!"

"Yes," he agreed. "We could try something else."

"Something else?" she choked. "Something else? Like enemies or something? Gawd damn, Valentine! How impossible can you get?!"

"Not enemies, Yuffie...lovers, maybe," his words were almost intelligible, his face hidden by his cowl. He knew he was blushing fiercely and he couldn't help but thank Hojo for gracing him with this ratty old cape.

"L-Lovers?" she gaped, picking up his softly uttered suggestion. "Y-You...where'd I put that damn aspirin?" She stood up suddenly and went back into the bathroom, searching the shelves for the small pill bottle. He watched her pop two white pills in her mouth and cup her hands below the fountainhead. She filled up her hands, took a drink, and then leaned over the sink for a moment in thought.

"Lovers, huh? You mean friends with benefits, right?" she asked suddenly. He shook his head after a moment.

"No. I don't think I could stand to see you with another man," he told her truthfully. "You'll be mine...and I'll be yours."

"I'd like that, Vincent," she smiled, turning to him from the bathroom with a very bright disposition. His heart warmed to know that he was the one who caused that bright look and he smiled back, though the cowl hid that too. "We'll start now, then, and you'll take me on a date around town. Sound good?"

"How do we get out?"

"Window, of course," she chirped, bouncing over to the large window to shove it open. "Viola! Tifa's a bit stupid. But, first, what do you say about payback, Vinny? Tifa locked us in her bedroom and I have the best idea to warn her to keep her nose in her own business."

He smirked at revenge and this time she saw it, "I'm in."

"Take off your cloak, doll. I have the prank of the year."

--thirty minutes later--

"I think you should let them out," Cloud sighed. "They're probably on each other's nerves by now. You know Vincent and Yuffie would never settle things that easily--they're stubborn people."

"You're right," she replied, crestfallen. He rolled his eyes out of her line of view.

"I know."

"I'll let them out now," Tifa murmured. She was dejected walking up the stairs, moping a little that her plan didn't work. She unlocked the door and stepped in.

"Vincent? Yuffie?" she called when she met an empty room. Her eyes focused on the messy bed suddenly (since it was made before hand) and she wondered just what they were doing. As she crept closer, she clapped a hand on her mouth and squeaked at the creamy substance on the sheets.

"Oh my God," she whispered to herself. The water in the bathroom was beating on the tiles and she gaped as she heard a low moan. With a very bright blush, she squeaked and escaped from her bedroom.

'They're fucked on my bed and are fucking in my shower! Ohgodohgodohgod!' she thought frantically, fleeing from the bedroom. Cloud noticed the flustered bartender come down in a rush, only stopping far enough from the bedroom as she could.

"What happened? Are Yuff and Vincent on your tail?" he asked dryly.

"They're...they're...God, Cloud, it worked, but it worked TOO well," she breathed heavily. "I looked on my sheets and there was...was..."

"Was what?"

She knew that Cloud was dumb, and she'd have to blurt it out, so she leaned over and whispered, "Semen."

"Holy shit!" he jumped. "You're serious? They had sex?"

"The water was going in the bathroom and I heard moans in there too!" she whispered fiercely, her blush hot.

"Was...you know...all over the sheets?" he asked, blushing himself. She nodded. "Oh God..."

"I'm just gonna leave them up there," she groaned. "Vincent and Yuffie slept in my bed! I'm going to have to sleep in a spare bedroom from now on! Oh GOD!"

"Well...at least they made up?" he asked, smirking. He received a painful slap over the head as she went off to tend to customers, mostly to keep her mind away from the dirty acts of their friends in her bedroom.

--Vincent and Yuffie--

"Can you imagine her face, Vinny?" she asked, licking an ice cream cone he had bought for her. Her hand was in his and they were walking around Midgar. "Even though Teef's a dynamo, I'm pretty sure she's a virgin so that must freak her out a little. Bwahaha!"

"Yes, but I think you put too much of that concoction you made on the bed," he murmured, one gloved hand lifting to shield his eyes from the sun. She giggled louder.

"I couldn't help it! Tifa probably thinks you're like a water hose."

"Yuffie!" he scolded lightly in embarrassment.

"Who smells like lemon mint," she added. "You know, Vin, I think I like you better without that red cloak in your face. You have a really nice neck."

"I believe I prefer you in those shorts," he commented, motioning towards the borrowed tunic she stole from Tifa's closet.

"Of course you do," she grinned impishly, "because you like checking out my ass. Aaaaaannnnd you think I'm sex on legs."

"Alright," he agreed, not even bothering to deny it. She did have quite nice legs. "She'll probably kill us for the water bill too."

"It's worth it for prank of the year," Yuffie replied simply, holding out the ice cream. He obediently took a lick off the sweet, creamy substance and she smiled as she took it back, stopping it from dripping with her tongue. "I do feel a little bad, though. Let's walk around a little more and let me finish my ice cream before we head back. I want my Vincent time."

"Of course."

--Tifa, Cloud and the newly arrived Cid--

"Hey, Boobs, where's the brat and the Vamp? I thought they had bar duty today," Cid commented, knocking back a shot of tequila. Tifa flushed hotly as Cloud shook his head, glancing at the clock.

"Err...they're indisposed at the moment..."

"Indisposed? Doing what?" Cid asked.

"Fucking," Cloud said. Cid dropped his mouth, his cigarette falling limply on the bar in total surprise.


"They've been at it for hours," Tifa whispered hurriedly, "in MY bedroom. I don't know what to do, but whenever I try knocking I just hear the water and the moans and the groans and...agh! I wanted them to make up, not go at it like sex addicts!"

"How long they been up there?" Cid asked, concerned.

"Since two," Tifa blushed. "It's five."

"Yikes! The Vamp probably knocked the brat up by now," Cid whistled, swiping his nose in anger. "If she IS pregnant, let me get my hands on him. Yuffie can barely take care of herself—what would she do with a babe?"

"I'd do nothing with it because I ain't having one!" a new voice called. Everyone gasped and turned around to see Vincent and Yuffie coming into the front of the bar. Tifa gaped at them like a fish out of water as did the others. Yuffie burst out into laughter after taking a picture (she assured Vincent it would be a good purchase and she was sooooo right!)

"B-But you were...you both...upstairs...what the hell?!" Tifa cried.

"THAT'S what you get for messing with other's peoples bizz-nass," Yuffie grinned, sitting at the bar. Vincent sat next to her, smirking.

Cloud started laughing hysterically, seeing the clothing Yuffie wore and the absence of Vincent's cloak. He understood the fake groans, the water, the stuff on the bed and it made him laugh like he never had before. "They got you good, Teef! Ha, ha!"

"I don't..."

Yuffie took out a small walkie talkie and put it near her mouth, "Oh, Vincent! Yes! Harder!" before bursting out into giggles. Cid chuckled, seeing Tifa fooled, and clapped Yuffie on the back.

"I usually don't put up with your shit, but that was good, kid," he complimented.

"The stuff on the bed...?" Tifa asked.

"Smells like your lemon shampoo," Yuffie grinned.

"The clothing?"

"Changed into something else.

"The shower?"

"Left it running," Yuffie replied. "Tifa, you just got PUNKED!"

"I...Yuffie!" Tifa growled. "Unfair!"

"That's what you get for locking me and Vince in YOUR bedroom!" Yuffie shouted proudly, smacking her fist playfully on the bar. Tifa glared and stomped upstairs to turn off the shower. She. Was. Pissed.

"She's going to go apeshit at you for wasting so much water," Cid chuckled, "but for a worthy cause! That teaches Boobs to mess with others."

"I warned her, I promise you," Cloud said defensively, trying to hold back snorts and giggles. He SO told her this would happen! "But, may I ask, did you settle your differences?"

"Yeah," Yuffie grinned, rubbing Vincent's shoulder. "Broody and I made up alright. Vinny took me out and bought me ice cream!"

"Good," Cloud smiled. For being oblivious, he did catch the warmth shared between Vincent and the small ninja female beside him. If he had checked, he would've seen they were holding hands under the bar counter, but, alas, he did not.

My first update in maybe a year and my first Yuffie/Vince fiction. I thought this was too funny to pass up. I'm leaving it T for now, but I mention some very naughty things. Perhaps a M is mandatory?