Wizard Suicide

by: jules713

Sirius, always the fan of himself, tries to practice spells on the only person he thinks suitable-Sirius Black.

James is busy. Lily, the red-headed wonder, has stolen him away on yet other date. I don't really understand why they need dates when they're so obviously getting married. At seventeen, Lily had come around, allowing James a date, which turned into three, which turned into..well, I think they're on date number 12 now. Prongs is so smitten with her that he reminds me a bit of an owl after you've given it a treat. They'll do anything. This boy in fourth year once told an owl to steal something for him and it did, much to the boys' surprise. I remember him fainting dead away in the Great Hall and everyone laughing at him. Anyway, Lily is clearly feeding him treats and James is so besotted that he'll bend over backwards to make her happy. Except Lily's treats aren't actually treats. I'm sure that they're.... never mind, I'd rather not think about the snogging patterns of my best mate.

Remus is occupied. The books were calling him, he said, when I found him in the library an hour ago. His nose was deeply buried in a thick, old, dusty book which creaked when he turned the pages. When I asked him what he was doing, he didn't bother to extract his face from that disgusting thing, he only told me he was studying for NEWTS. I refrained from reminding him that he had at least three or four more months until he had to even think of that. I grabbed a chair and sat backwards on it, staring deeply at Moony until he finally looked at me in annoyance, shutting the old thing and letting it fall to the table.

"We have to practice spells for Flitwick," I told him patiently like a parent to its child. Moony rolled his eyes at me and sighed in impatience, stealing a glance at the bloody book once more. I stuck my tongue out at him, crossing my eyes and making the most abnormal face. He sighed wistfully and I knew he was thinking of the old, smelly book. I stood up huffily.

"I'll go ask Wormtail then," I told Moony, who smiled so huge that I thought maybe his lips would fall off. The grin was actually quite scary, almost wolfish. I quickly left the library before he decided to devour me.

Severus Snape was coming up the stairs, looking sullen and moody. I cast a Tripping Jinx and he fell flat on his face, sourly looking up at me. I smirked down at the slimy fellow and continued down the stairs, forgetting where I was going for a second. I turned around and went back up the stairs to the Common Room.

Wormtail wasn't there or in our dorm. Lately, he'd been of the twitchy kind, even a whisper would make him jump out of his trainers. I decided not to bother looking for him anymore and I plopped on my bed, looking at the ceiling with boredom.

Suddenly, I had the most greatest idea! I could practice the spells on myself. It was the most brilliant idea that I did a little jig around my room and fell over books left on the floor. I got up, looking around to make sure nobody had seen me fall. Grinning, I grabbed my wand and looked at myself in the corner mirror of the dorm.

Since I am a devilishy good-looking person, I admired myself for a minute, or five, or twenty. I could loss track of time staring at myself. I have such nice hair and and all. Anyway, I figured I had to practice those spells sometime and pulled out my wand, aiming it at the mirror.

"Tarantallegra," I said to the mirror and the spell rebounded on me, making me dance a little. I figured while I had the Jelly Legs Jinx, I could boost up my act, so I conjured flowers out of the tip of my wand. "Orchideous!" I felt pretty professional, dancing with the flowers until I realized the mirror was dirty so I cast a cleaning charm, which accidentally broke the mirror and then I tried to fix it with "Reparo" while I was stepping on all the broken glass pieces because I was still dancing, but it didn't work.

So then I tried to banish the glass pieces but I said the wrong spell and didn't realize my wand was pointing at myself because the flowers felt like my wand handle , so instead of "Relashio", I said "Rictusempra." It felt like a dozen hands were tickling me and I was laughing so hard and uncontrollably that I could no longer breathe. I realized that I gotten a piece of glass stuck in my foot, so I tried to bind that part of my body so I wouldn't lose blood. I forgot the spell but I knew it began with an 'F' so I said "Furnunculus".

My right foot was covered in painful boils, I couldn't stop moving and laughing, there was broken glass everywhere and now I was hobbling on my left foot. So, now, I figured I'd better call for help and I remembered that the "Avis" spell conjures birds and I thought maybe an owl would come and I could give it a letter to give to Moony or James, so I said it and this little fleet of birds hovered around my head, pecking at it and making me dizzy. I fell to the ground on the broken glass and shooed the birds away, but that didn't work. A piece of glass wedged itself in a not so pleasant spot, but I couldn't get up. Plus, I was still laughing and moving and I couldn't stop.

I figured if I made the size of my right foot covered in boils smaller, I'd be able to stand up so I said "Reducio" and suddenly my foot was small, way, way too small. So I panicked and cast an enlarging spell and my foot was the size of my head and still growing. I was growing desperate to stop this all so I cast a disintegrating spell but I said it wrong, I think, and my teeth were suddenly really huge. I had one last trick up my sleeve though. I cast a 'Sonorus' charm and called for help, my voice reaching the common room, I hoped.

And then, I woke up here so so someone must've heard.

Madame Pompfrey stood in shock over my bed in the Hospital Wing. "Mr. Black, I still can't get over the fact that you cast spelld on yourself. That is most dangerous. The most dangerous and befuddling thing though is that you could have just said 'Finite' and everything would've been well and back to normal."

It was my turn to look shocked. "Finite? Oh, I thought it was Stupefy!"

Pompfrey rolls her eyes toward the bed next to me. "Well, that explains Mr. Lupin over there. I believe he'll have a few choice words for you when he wakes up."

I grin at her and lean back into the bed. I practiced those spells pretty well, if I do say so myself. And the pain in my buttocks proves it. I may just be a wizard genius.