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Never Thought

Timeline: Some time after the series' end.
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: I don't own Ezri or any of the other DS9 characters. They belong to Paramount.

I never thought it could hurt so much.

I thought I knew what pain was. I thought that with everything I had been through with my family and with ex-lovers, I had felt pain.

I thought that the experiences of my past hosts would prepare me for this. But even the Dax part of me is aching; not just Ezri. I hurt all over.

It's as if everything that has happened to me before was trivial and meaningless, the minor events that only a child would react to.

Child. Even that word sears through me.

Jadzia hurts too, I can tell. She wanted a child. She and Worf were going to - I remember it all so clearly. As Jadzia, discussing the medical dangers of it with Julian and trying so hard not to see the pain in his face. Pretending that it didn't exist. Wishing I hadn't caused it.

That hurt. This hurts more, more than I could have imagined.

None of us could have anticipated the attack from rogue Jem'Hadar. None of us, Kira said firmly. Even though she was blaming herself for it.

None of us could have anticipated that they would return to their first crime scene, the Promenade, where Julian was treating victims, trying desperately to save them, and shoot him.

None of us could have anticipated that they would attack a pregnant woman. The phaser blast was aimed straight at her stomach. The baby died. If she hadn't been pregnant, she would have been killed instantly. The death of her baby allowed her to go relatively unscathed.

I lost my baby. I lost my husband. I lost everything that I cared about.

Counselor, heal thyself. I just wish I knew how.