OHMYGAWD. So I read this awful, awful, terrible Mary Sue story. It was so awful it was amusing, but it made my brain feel like it was on fire. This was written to give some good advice to all writers. And to amuse myself.
Disclamer: I dont own the Labyrinth or the King, or a sparkly green fanfic writing pen. But I do own one of those nasty ass goblins mentioned. My parents say he's my brother, but I just dont believe them. :D
On with the show!
"I wish the goblins would come take me away, RIGHT NOW!"
The noise echoed through the throne room, stopping all noise, except for a great groan from the King. He slapped his hand over his eyes, and threw a crystal up in the air. The king was suddenly gone.
He arrived in a room, and didn't have to look around to know what type of girl it was. The girl standing in front of him was perfect, in every imaginable way. Her eyes glowed purple when she saw him, and her skin glittered in the pale moon light. Her amber locks cascaded down her back as she shook with fright, and her pale pink lips pouted at the sight of the king.
"What do you want?" he asked. He had seen this before, and knew exactly what was coming next.
"Oh, I just didn't know you were real! You see, I'm Sarah's nieces cousin twice removed, and she left me this book that told me not to ever use call on you! But I just had to see!" her voice was like honey, and her now ebony locks shined as she shook her head.
"This has just gone on long enough." The king turned his head to the sky. "Are you FINSISHED yet?!"
The girls eyes suddenly switched colors, because they could do that when she felt different emotions, and welled up with tears. They silently fell down her face and a fairy, which just so happened to live outside her window, flitted in with a handkerchief.
"Its just so hard!" She sobbed delicately. "You see, I'm one half Fae, and I just don't know anyone of my kind! I'm also one half angel and goblin! I just want to be around people that could understand me, because I lost my entire family in a tragic accident a year ago! Its to painful to think about, so I shove everyone away, even though they all love me!" she tried to continue her completely original, heartbreaking, tragic, spellbinding, terrifying past story, but was suddenly cut off by the King, who was speaking to the ceiling.
"Look, I know you are probably a nice person, but you HAVE to stop writing this drivel! I'm in a good place in my life right now, and I don't need your idiot character fawning all over me like a love sick puppy!"
The girl, who's name was Mystic Darkrose Moon Lillian Sparklejoydolphin Williams, suddenly burst into hysterics. "But you are my TRUE LOVE, don't you see! We are meant to be together! I'm Oberon's niece!"
The king looked at the girl, and the shadows in the room began to twitch and cackle. Red eyes popped and blinked, writhing and scuttling around the dark places under the bed. (The bed, which like in all good stories was elegant and wood, with frilly little blankets and glitter. The rest of the room was much the same.) The king snapped his fingers, and the room was filled with goblins.
But not the good kind.
These were fierce, with talons and claws sharp as razors, yellow and red eyes peering at the delicate shivering girl before them. They laughed and the smell of rotten food and meat came spilling out of their putrid mouths, and they seized the girl all over, ripping and tearing at her skin. She screamed, but it was like the sound of bells chiming. So they ripped and snarled harder, until the girl somewhat resembled hamburger meat.
There was suddenly another person in the room, who was looking quite furious with the now smirking king. She was crying as well, but it wasn't the quiet, beautiful crying of her creation. Her eyes were red and puffy, and she had some sort of liquid substance dripping from her nose. She tugged on the edge of her black sweater and wiped her face, with her pen still in hand. It was a nice pen, to be sure. It was green and sparkly, with just the right amount of ink flow. It had stayed with her since she began writing fan fiction.
"Why would you do that?!" she croaked, her throat sore from crying.
"Good question. Why would you write that?" he asked, smirking, and the ferocious goblins cackled and wheezed their agreement.
"She was a good one! I swear!" she defended, about to cry again. She ran her hands through her stringy hair, and looked down at the massacre that was her beloved character. The king put his hand on her shoulder.
"Look, it happens to everyone at least once. You have to deal with the fact that flaws are a good thing in a person. Why would anyone want to be around that?"
Mystic Darkrose's fingers twitched on the ground. They were then neatly bitten off by a goblin of good standing.
"Flaws. I would more likely stand to be around someone like you than someone like your bimbo over there."
The authoress sniffled, nodded, petted a nearby goblin on its moldy, matted hair, and was gone. The goblins then returned to the shadows, and the king to his throne, and the pile of meat that was Mystic Darkrose Lillian Sparklejoydolphin Williams lay abandoned and gurgling on the floor.
I hope you liked it. Review, please?