AN. A prize fiction awarded to Pachiko-Chan for her 1st place fanart in the February contest of DBZ-Friendshippy, the DA club I own, with her art 'Scooter Ride'. She requested a fiction with the friendshippy pair of Tien and Chiaotzu (we're both fangirls of them XD) with a comedic theme. I don't know if this is funny; I cannot rate my own humour, so feedback is much appreciated! I hope you like, Pachiko-Chan! Sorry for the delay XD
"What are you doing?"
The voice was soft, curious, and caused the young man to jump with surprise. He whirled around, then frowned.
"I told you to wait in the living room. Shoo, back, out with you."
The boy who had asked the question pouted, his eyes pleading.
"Oh please tell me. I wanna know."
"No. Get out. Vamoose. You'll see when it's done."
"Please, Tien, please? I'll cry."
Tien scoffed, pulling both hands from behind his back to make shooing gestures.
"You do and you'll never find out. Chiaotzu, out."
Chiaotzu's lip started to tremble and he clasped his hands together. Tien shook his head, still shooing the boy away with his hands. Chiaotzu relented after a moment, but cast a longing look over his shoulder as he left. Tien smiled and turned back to the kitchen bench. It was Chiaotzu's birthday (well, as near as dammit) and Tien had decided to try his hand at cooking as a surprise.
He paused, scouting out Chiaotzu's ki, then started cutting up the carrots as soon as he was satisfied that the telepath was nowhere near the kitchen. He wasn't very skilled with a knife (not like Chiaotzu; the boy could wield a blade like the best assassin), and so each downward chop was slow and awkward, resulting in slices of varying thickness and quality. He frowned nervously as he began to chop the radishes, thrown for a moment by the peculiar rounded shape. His chopping of the onions and potatoes was equally unprofessional.
He had a single chicken carcass, sitting featherless on the counter, mocking him with its folded wings and spread legs. He picked up a wooden spoon, eyeing the chicken distrustfully, his grip dangerously tight. He poked the chicken. It toppled on its side, one wing pointing skyward. He stared at it, unsure of what to do next.
He could vaguely remember walking into the kitchen once when Chiaotzu had been making chicken, searching for a belt. He had been distracted, holding his pants up with one hand so they wouldn't fall down, but could remember the chicken resting in the middle of all the vegetables he had chopped, contained within a large, rectangular dish.
"Dish...dish..." he murmured as he left the chicken lying on its side on the granite, beginning to hunt through the cabinets beneath. "Dish...dish, dish, dishy, dish-dish..."
The first cupboard he opened contained cleaning products, cloths, gloves, and a small brush connected to a plastic dust collector thing that he didn't recognise. He eyed the cans and tins and bottles with fear in his eyes, wondering who this Mr Sheen was, wondering if there was an explosion when one used Easy Off Bam, and wondering if Windex was something one used on clocks when they stopped. He shut that cupboard in a hurry.
The next one was filled with cutlery. Stuffed to the brim in fact. Spoons and knives and forks and sporks and chopsticks and strainers and graters and steak knives. More cutlery than he could shake a stick at. There was a terrifying moment when the whole pile shifted, an ominous clatter coming from within. Tien slammed the door, feeling a terrifying sense of hostility from this kitchen, a sense that it didn't approve of this three-eyed stranger in its midst and wanted its familiar, white-skinned telepath back.
Tien considered this idea for a moment, then shrugged it off and continued his search. So what if the kitchen didn't like him? He had tolerated its presence in his home for as long as he could remember, it could cope with him for a couple of minutes.
The next cupboard he opened did contain dishes, but made of porcelain, stacked high. The next, pots and pans, shining black in the dim light.
Tien almost shut this cupboard without searching, then spotted a familiar rectangular shape at the bottom of one stack. He reached in and eased it out, grimacing as the pile swayed and shifted. He lifted it onto the counter and then carefully started to remove the pots above it. This was harder than it would seem. Each one was coated with some strange non-stick coating that defied the grip of his fingers, leaving him to scrabble desperately to keep a hold on it. As he was trying to lift out the very last one he noticed, cleverly camouflaged though they were, the thin, black rings of metal connected to the edge of each pan. Cautiously he gripped them, and found that his hands did grip this deceptively shiny surface, and he could easily lift the pot.
Silently vowing never to mention this to anyone, he grabbed the dish that he wanted and replaced the others into the cupboard below. He swept his badly-cut vegetables into the dish, then eyed the chicken distrustfully. It hadn't moved since he had last seen it, but he still regarded it with a nervous eye, as though it would leap up and attack him. A silly idea; he was one of the strongest fighters in the world, even if the stupid chicken did attack he could beat it no problem.
Nonetheless, he was tentative as he moved to pick it up, utilising his trusty wooden spoon and a handy fork to spear the carcass and transport it to the veggie laden dish. He plonked it down in the middle, then prodded it with the spoon until it was roughly centred. He examined it critically, before deciding that it was close enough to the fuzzy image his brain provided when he tried to remember what Chiaotzu had done. He nodded, proud of himself, then picked it up and put it in the oven, only now turning the dial around to 200 degrees. The light within came on, casting a slightly orange glow over the chicken and assorted vegetables. Tien closed the oven-door, feeling very proud of himself as he set the timer for an hour and turned to leave the kitchen.
Chiaotzu was sitting in the living room, sitting far back in the chair so his legs stuck out over the edge, a thick book resting open on his lap. He looked up as Tien approached, a suspicious frown on his face.
"You're looking very happy," he said, sounding wary. "Can I know what you were doing yet?"
"Not yet. Patience," Tien said, grinning. Chiaotzu's eyes narrowed a little, and Tien felt a soft, warm seeping in his mind. He slammed down protective walls instantly, shaking his finger as Chiaotzu let out a low curse. "Uh-uh. The shame, Chiaotzu! Sneaking into my brain like that."
"Oh, come on, Tien!" Chiaotzu pleaded. "I wanna know. I'll act surprised, honest."
"Nope. What's that? You doing your maths again?" Tien walked forward and sat on the armchair, looking over Chiaotzu's shoulder, trying to read the thick book on his lap. To his surprise Chiaotzu slammed it shut, the heavy thud echoing around the room. He looked at the boy in incomprehension.
Chiaotzu levelly returned his gaze. "I don't get to know, you don't get to know," he said stubbornly.
Tien pouted a little. "Aw, that's not fair."
"Oh please," Chiaotzu scoffed. "If you must know, it's your diary."
Tien jolted. "What!?" He stared at Chiaotzu as though he'd never seen the boy before, then stared at the book balanced precariously on the telepath's knees. "My...my diary?"
Chiaotzu laughed, shaking his head. "Oh, Tien, you're so gullible. You know you don't have a diary." Tien hesitated, then relaxed, a relieved smile spreading over his face. This fell away a moment later when Chiaotzu said, "And even if you did, I would've already read it."
"Cheeky sod," Tien said, gripping the back of Chiaotzu's neck with one hand and squeezing, grinning as the boy's shoulders instantly rose, the muscles tensing. "I'm gonna get you for that."
"Stop it," Chiaotzu gasped, his head starting to tilt back in an effort to ease the pressure on the sensitive nerves in his neck. "Gah, it hurts!"
"Gah?" Tien frowned, loosening his grip a little. "Is that even a word?"
Chiaotzu's shoulders snapped up, forcing Tien's hand to release, and his eyes gleamed as he whirled around. One hand was flung, palm out, towards Tien and instantly he couldn't move an inch.
"Gotcha," he said, giggling as Tien tried in vain to struggle against the net of his power. "Now I'm gonna go see what's in that kitchen."
He leapt from the chair, one hand still facing towards Tien as he scurried across the living room towards the kitchen. Tien growled softly to himself, then called out, "Oh, Chiaotzu!!"
Chiaotzu hesitated, turning his head, his steps faltering to a stop. "What?" he asked suspiciously.
"What...?" His voice was drawn out now, his eyes narrowing. There was distrust in his face, but also a look of curiosity. Tien could almost read his mind (he would have been able to, had his own not been so tightly restrained by his own barriers). Maybe he's gonna tell me, Chiaotzu was thinking. Maybe I'm squeezing him too tight...
"My belly hurts," Tien said, whined almost, trying desperately to portray all the classical symptoms Chiaotzu's victims portrayed when caught in one of his tighter binds. "Please... It's hard to breathe... Let me go, I'll tell you...honest..."
Chiaotzu looked from between Tien, caught in midair and struggling in vain, to his own hand. Tien watched, hope welling in him, as Chiaotzu frowned thoughtfully and the hand held outward started to droop, the bonds around Tien's body starting to release. But then the telepath grinned, lifted his drooping hand and waved as the invisible ropes around Tien tightened once more.
"Nice try," he said, giggling, and tweaked his fingers a little so the grip around Tien tightened just a smidge. "You forgot just one little thing in that charade, Tien."
"Oh, and what was that?" Tien asked, irritated that his genius plan had failed.
"You can't act," Chiaotzu said, then burst out laughing and turned towards the kitchen again. Tien allowed himself only a moment of intense fuming (oo, cheeky little brat, how dare he, revenge shall be mine, etc. etc. etc.) before trying again.
"Oh, Chiaotzu!" he called.
"What?" Chiaotzu turned back once again, his voice an irritated whine, his eyebrows drawing together. Tien smiled as amiably as he could, then jerked his head back a little, a classic 'come here' gesture since his hands were out of action. Chiaotzu took one cautious step forward, still frowning at Tien. "What...?"
"Lookit what I've got," Tien said. Chiaotzu's face filled with curiosity again and he took another couple of steps forward, looking curiously at the triclops he held in his power. Instantly Tien's affable smile transformed into a grin of almost pure evil, and too late the telepath realised his plan and turned to escape.
Tien swung his head to the side and, by concentrating hard, was able to shoot a beam of bright ki from his third eye into the front door. The thick wood exploded outwards, splinters shooting off like bullets (the next morning a farmer much further south would wake up to find his prize pumpkin skewered by one of these shards, and would set off on a very long and interesting quest to find the perpetrator...but let's not get swept into that, shall we?).
As the door exploded outwards the blizzard outside screamed in, as though along a pressure gradient, filling the room with icy winds and flying pieces of frozen water. Chiaotzu lifted both his hands to cover his face, and instantly the bind around Tien was released. He leapt forward with a cry of triumph and somehow, among all the blinding snow, managed to tackle Chiaotzu to the ground. The telepath let out a gasp of surprise, then started to struggle against Tien's grip.
"It's FREEZING!" Chiaotzu screamed, then grabbed up a handful of snow and rubbed it into Tien's face. "Why'd you do that, Tien?"
"'Cause it was the only way to make you let go," Tien said, trying to blink snow out of all three of his eyes and keep a grip on the squirming body of Chiaotzu at the same time. "Stay still. I need to exact my revenge."
"It's cold! You suck, Tien!" Chiaotzu upped his wriggling, slipping from Tien's hands, this movement aided rather than hindered by the shivers that were suddenly wracking his small frame. "Leggo! I'll go easy on you!"
"You'll go easy on me?" Tien asked incredulously. "Who's got who here, Chiaotzu?"
Chiaotzu managed to get one arm free and flung it forward. Instantly half of Tien's body was caught in a bind, the left side lifting at Chiaotzu's command and forcing him to flip over. Chiaotzu laughed triumphantly, then pulled himself free and stood over Tien, laughing and proclaiming his victory as he threw snow at him. Tien took this for a moment, his mind whirring through all possible retaliations to this humiliation. Eventually, when all else failed, his right hand darted up, seized Chiaotzu's wrist, and tugged him down into the snow, his arm curling expertly around so the young telepath was caught in a headlock.
"What'cha gonna do now, Chiaotzu?" he asked as Chiaotzu's hands tugged helplessly at the thick forearm against his neck, the bind around the left side of Tien's body evaporating like water in the hot sun. "Do I hear someone calling for mercy?"
"You triple suck," Chiaotzu growled softly. "I shall never, ever surrender!"
Tien laughed, triumph and pride in his voice, before letting out a gasp of surprise as Chiaotzu turned his head and sank his teeth into the soft, vulnerable patch of flesh in his elbow. He released the boy instantly, before realising that the telepath's teeth hadn't even broken the skin, hadn't even made any dents there.
"Bravo, Chiaotzu," Tien said admirably, flexing his arm as the pain faded to nothing. "A cunning plan."
"I know your weak spots," Chiaotzu said, and grinned widely. "Come on, Tien, try me."
Tien faltered. This was true. Chiaotzu had, over the years of them training together, compiled a list of the weak points in Tien's body and defence, a list of places that, if pressure was applied at just the right angle, would render the triclops momentarily weak or distracted, giving the perfect opportunity to strike back. This list wasn't all that long, and most of the places weren't obvious. The inside of his right elbow was one. Just to the upper right of his left shin was another. The point where two of the bones of his skull had fused around the back was yet another. Well...let's just say there were a fair few , okay? In very, very strange places.
But this had a flip side. Tien also knew all of Chiaotzu's weak spots. And weaknesses. His were as strange as Tien's (for example: if one was to flick the spot between the pointer and middle finger of his right hand with just the right amount of force, the boy would instantly dissolve into shudders for no explicable reason, but again, let's not get carried away). And one, though this had been lessened considerably in the time they had been living up here, was cold.
Luckily, just at this moment, the oven chose to ding. Tien didn't actually hear it, but Chiaotzu's head swung around as he gasped, his eyes widening.
"My oven!" he cried. "It's calling me!"
He started towards the kitchen, before Tien figured out what he had said and tackled him once again, both of them skidding in the snow that now covered the floor of what was once their living room.
"No!" he cried, hugging Chiaotzu tight at the boy struggled to get free. "No, it's part of my surprise!" Chiaotzu instantly went lax in his grip, his eyes widening with surprise as he turned his head to look at Tien. The triclops smiled at him, then said, "If I let go of you, will you stay put?"
Chiaotzu nodded dumbly, his eyes still fixed on Tien, and did as he had (kinda) promised, remaining still as Tien released him and sat back.
"Good. Now, I'm going to get it set up. You're allowed in when I say so, okay?" Chiaotzu nodded again. "Okay." He cast an eye over their ruined living room and grimaced. "We've really got to stop doing this, Chiaotzu. Either that or start living outdoors."
"You broke it this time," Chiaotzu said, though he still hadn't moved an inch and his eyes were still wide. It was as though his mouth was moving of its own accord.
"Well, last time you broke the door and the walls," Tien said, but he was smiling fondly and a little wistfully, swept up in the memory (namely, Chiaotzu summoning a boulder roughly the size of a semi trailer to crash into the front of the house when Tien had rendered him motionless after pressing two fingers to the gap between his middle ribs on his left side slightly around to the back [yes, another weak spot]. That had been a long, long week...). "Now stay here. Clean up a little if you like. At least stop that wind coming in. It's got to be minus 20."
"Minus 24," Chiaotzu said, but lifted both hands and made a thin, membranous barrier that glimmered and shifted over the hole in the wall, blocking any more wind and snow that wanted to come in. "Hurry up, I wanna see my surprise."
Tien grinned and left the room, struck by the warmth as he entered the kitchen, before heading to the oven. He opened the door, picked up a towel, and grabbed the dish from the oven and put it on top of the stove. The chicken was still sitting, juice bubbling from beneath a tear in its skin, which had turned a light golden colour. Tien's grin became one of satisfaction, and he started cutting up the chicken as best he could. It was a little pink on the inside, but he was sure that was fine. What harm could it do? He put out two portions, then put them on the table, eyeing them to make sure they looked about right, cursing himself mentally for just eating the food put in front of him and never taking the time to admire the arrangement. He swore he would do that from now on.
The door slammed open and a white blur entered the room. Almost instantly Chiaotzu was sitting at the table, looking at the 'roast chicken' on his plate with wide eyes.
"You cooked this for me?" he asked in a quiet little voice.
"Yep. Happy birthday, Chiaotzu."
Chiaotzu smiled uncertainly, then picked up his fork and poked at the chicken. It shifted on his plate, but did nothing more.
"How long d'you cook it for," he asked softly.
"'Bout an hour... Why?"
"Um... I don't think it's...completely cooked," Chiaotzu said softly, still poking it. "I mean, the skin is good but the meat's not done yet..."
"Oh..." Tien looked at the chicken, seeing the bright pink peeking at him from the cut he had made. "Shit..."
Chiaotzu looked up at him and grinned widely. He lifted out of his chair and picked up both plates, tipping them upside down over the bin.
"Thanks a lot, Tien, but how about I cook us some noodles? They'll be ready in ten minutes and then we can eat something that won't give us food poisoning, hmm?"
"Sure." Tien's stomach rumbled and he grinned at Chiaotzu, the roast chicken already forgotten. "That sounds great."
Chiaotzu busied himself with getting out the wok and his ingredients and Tien turned to go clean up the living room, thoroughly destroyed by their brief tussle just before. Before he could make it out the door, however, he was distracted by Chiaotzu murmuring his name. He turned back, only to have two arms slip around his neck and that small warm body press close to him.
"Thanks, Tien," Chiaotzu whispered, and pressed a single kiss to Tien's cheek. "Best birthday ever."
"You're welcome, Chiaotzu," Tien said, a smile growing on his face as he put his arms around Chiaotzu and hugged him briefly. "Any time."
They moved away from each other, each heading off to do their separate chores. Once again, Tien only just made it to the door when Chiaotzu said his name again. He turned, a quizzical eyebrow raised.
"It's your birthday in two months," Chiaotzu said simply, not looking at Tien as he lifted the wok and placed it carefully on the stove, a bright blue flame already flickering there. He poured in some oil, swilled it around, then cast a single sly smile towards the triclops in the door. "I shall get my revenge on that day."
Tien laughed, then left the room, waving one hand behind him as he did, his words echoing back to fill the kitchen.
"Give it your best shot, Chiaotzu. I'll be ready."
AN. Funny? Yes, no, maybe? I hope yes, but I'll be satisfied with maybe XD I hope you enjoyed it! It's been a very long time (almost...three months, I'm a truely awful person XD) and...yeah... I'll be better next time (sweatdrop)