A/N- Don't take this too seriously, I didn't. I just wanted to write something. And don't think I go around making fun of people with lisps, I don't. I actually find them adorable. Except on Cody. Swagger makes me smile every time he talks because of his. So, don't be offended or anything.
Could this pay-per-view be anymore boring? Just about everyone backstage didn't think so. Backlash; the name seemed catchy enough, and on paper, the matches looked good. Turns out, the paper was wrong. Every match on the card had been seen before, leaving the guys in the back with nothing to look forward to watching, which meant they had three hours on their hands.
"Theodore, explain to me one more time why I am wrestling Steamboat." Chris requested for the sixth time.
"You already kicked everyone else's ass, Christopher, no need to embarrass anyone else. They gave you a match with Steamboat so you would appear and make all your fans happy." Ted recited perfectly, already having memorized the answer Chris gave him earlier that morning.
"Exactly, now, I am bored. Just look at the faces of everyone around us, I don't think they could last another two hours with this boredom." Both men looked around at their co-workers, noting the look on their faces. Ted nodded; Chris was right. Something had to be done.
"You're absolutely right."
"Where the hell is Cody at? I need another drink." Chris finally noticed for the first time Cody wasn't sitting with them.
"Probably up Randy's ass."
"Figures. What a kiss ass. I'm glad you are wiser than that, Theodore. Now, onto something more important. I have an idea to cure everyones boredom."
"And that would be.."
"Go get Swagger and Cody and bring that back here. I'll handle the rest."
By the time Ted returned with a reluctant Jack Swagger, and an annoyed Cody, Chris had the entire roster, from all three brands, in the catering room. Ted wasn't sure, but he thought he even saw Shane in the back.
"Cody, Jack...ass, both of you get up here." Chris instructed them, sliding two chairs out. He made them stand on the chairs facing the audience.
"Chris, what the hell is this all about?" Cody asked, unsure if whatever this was would cause him bodily harm.
"Quiet junior, and I'll explain. Some of the guys and I compiled a few videos of you and Swagger talking, then we all voted on which of you had the worst lisp. Well, it was tied."
"And how does that explain why we are here?" The two time all American American asked.
"If you would stop interrupting me Jack...ass, I'd tell you. Well, we all decided we had to determine whose lisp was worse. So we have a panel of three judges consisting of myself, Theodore, and Dolph." Chris finished explaining.
"I'm not doing this!" Cody stepped off his chair, only to be stopped by his leader.
"Yes you are, I have money riding on this. Get back up there." Randy ordered. Cody frowned, but did as Randy said. He wondered when the day would come that he wasn't controlled by Randy or Chris. He doubted ever.
"Okay assclowns, winner will be whoever has trouble saying the most words." Chris explained, sitting down at the round judges table. He didn't have to worry about either of the men cheating, who would want to be determined as "The man with the worst lisp in the WWE"?
"Guy, did everyone write their bets down and hand them to Adam?" Ted asked, before Chris started the questioning. Everyone nodded their heads yes, so the competition could continue.
"Alright, Cody, Jack.....ass, here is your first word; equestrian. Cody, you go first."
"Eqwessstrian." Cody finally got out, only having trouble with the beginning of the word. He didn't think he did too bad.
"Cody, that was horrible. You are a disgrace." Chris said, adding his two cents.
"Mr. Swagger, you are up now." Ted was using his formal voice now, unsure of why.
"Eqwessssstriiiannn." People were unsure if Jack had trouble saying the word because of his lisp, or if he just didn't know how to pronounce the word. It was quiet for a few seconds while the judges tallied the scores for the first round.
"Alright, round two assclowns. The word is; supercilious. Jack....ass, you're first."
"Superssshhilllous." Jack was able to get out, getting a light applause from the audience.
"Very good. Cody, go." Chris ordered.
"That was embarrassing to listen to, Cody." Ted informed him, not feeling sorry for his tag team partner. Cody shot him dirty looks but didn't say anything.
"Chris, hey, I'll be back. Vince is making me go out and do my match right now. Says I can' wait." Adam said, apologetically. He handed Chris all the bets and exited the room.
"As sad as it is that Adam had to part ways, the competition must go on. Round three, the word is; championship." Cody became confident, this was the word Jack messed up on ECW just about every week.
"Cody, you're first."
"Championssssship." Dammit, it was always the S's that got him.
"Ha, horrible. I don't know why they let you on television." Chris said, with Ted and Dolph nodding in agreement.
"Anyway, Jack...ass, you're up."
"Championsssship." Jack said it as fast as he could, hoping for the best.
"Both of you can step down now, while we tally the results." Ted said. Cody noticed he was becoming more and more like Chris as the weeks went on. He knew he never should have introduced them to each other. His life has been hell ever since.
"We judged them on three things up there; looks, posture, and word structure. Each category the men could have scored as high as ten, and as low as zero. Here are the results."
Word Structure- 3
Word Structure- 4
Chris held the results up on a white board, letting the crowd see who won. The two men who competed weren't aware of the results yet. They couldn't even tell by listening to the guys.
"I knew he'd win!"
"There was never a doubt."
"We didn't need a competition to tell us this, it was obvious."
Chris turned around and showed the results to Cody and Jack.
"Come on, you guys did that on purpose!" Cody knew it, considering he only won by one point. Chris did this on purpose so he would be named "Worst lisp in WWE".
"It was nice competing with you Cody, it was a fair game. Too bad I lost. I guess you have the worsssst lisssp" Jack congratulated Cody on his win.
"Cody, before you leave, we had the seamstress make something while this competition was going on. Since you won, you get to wear it. Jay, bring it out." Chris yelled across the room. Jay brought over a folded up garment and handed it to Chris. It looked just like what Santina has been wearing since Wrestlemania, except for the wording.
I have the worst lisp in WWE history