"So, you say you heard one?"

"No, I don't believe it—you can't hear a queef," said Eric, with apparent authority, poking at a questionable slice of pizza on his lunch tray.

"No, seriously," Mike countered, "It sounded…weak."

"Ew." Tyler glanced around, checking that no girls were listening in—this was guy talk.

"What did it smell like, then?" challenged Eric, sardonically. "Fish?"

"Impossible," Tyler cut in, but pushing his serving of fish sticks away all the same. "Everyone knows they're odourless. That's just a myth."

"Yeah, I just heard it," Mike said. "I was walking to the cafeteria just now, and...what else could it have been?"

"A locker?"

"No, it was wetter," Mike answered.

"Someone's shoes," said Eric thoughtfully.

"It didn't have that…" Mike paused, searching for the right word, "squeak."

The boys sat in silence, pondering this for a moment.

"Well, who was it, then?" Eric demanded, excitedly.

"I don't know," Mike exclaimed, frustrated.

"Quick, list everyone who was around you," Tyler commanded.

"Er, Stephen Coggs."

"Girls, you 'tard," Tyler said.

"Oh, right…um…oh! Jasmine Wallis."

"Nah, too shy."

"Stephanie Griswold?"


"Sabrina Wright."

"No, she wouldn't hide it."

Mike and Eric murmured in agreement.

"Shirley Cantakis, I think."

"Are you sure? I mean, she is paralyzed from the waist down."

"Oh, good point."

"Oh!" A look of gleeful comprehension dawned on Mike's face. "I know," he said.

"What?" Eric asked.

"I know who it was."


He paused for dramatic effect. "Lauren. Mallory."

There was an awed silence between them as the possibility sunk in. Mike sucked Coke through a straw loudly.

Tyler finally broke. "Mallory queefs?"

"Guess so," said Mike.

"Whoa," Tyler said, contemplatively, "and I thought she was hot."

"I dunno," said Eric meaningfully. "You gotta admire a girl who queefs. It shows she has nothing to hide."

Mike and Tyler nodded appreciatively.

Suddenly, Conner slammed his tray down next to Mike and took a seat, visibly fuming. "Chess club," he said through gritted teeth, "is really not worth it."

"Okay…" Tyler mouthed, clearly unnerved.

"That doesn't matter," Mike announced. Connor looked up moodily from glaring at his French fries. "You are never going to guess what your girlfriend has been doing."