He wanted you to stay in that morning. He asked you not to go. He always did when he'd had too much to drink the night before.
He begged, even. It should have made you stay. But it didn't. He never begged.
It's dangerous, he said.
You looked at him then, a bit unbelieving. Glanced at his suit, carelessly thrown in a corner. He pressed his lips together ever so slightly. You would notice though. You always were fascinated by his mouth.
It's bound to fail.
You shook your head. Half the time, plans cocked-up because of him. That's what you told him. You had a feeling he didn't buy it.
Fuck, I'm going with you!
But he wasn't. You had shamelessly made up some evidence that sent him some place far, some place safe. Something told you that deep down, he knew. He never said anything. But he looked at you sometimes, and his shoulders hunched and his brow furrowed.
You don't even know what'll be there.
You must've known what was going to happen. Hardly anything ever escaped you. You knew, not exactly, but you did. But you weren't going to share this with him, not even on pain of death.
Why? You didn't ask. You knew. Something inside you ached. You longed to give in. But orders were orders and you would do your job. You shouldn't have started this. You knew the consequences, the dangers. But still, you did. You simply had to.
I… don't know…
I'd be, I couldn't…
I just don't know!
…what I'd do without you.
You drove and your eyes were prickling. You could hear his voice. Your hands were shaking against the wheel. You remembered his had trembled too. But your feet were steady and you blazed through the streets.
He didn't say it. Silently you thanked whatever gods there were. Your resolve was on the verge of shattering in a million pieces. You didn't say anything. It wouldn't have made it, or anything, better.
He didn't say the words, but he didn't have to. You both knew that. You turned the knob, didn't look back. You left something then. You knew you weren't likely to make it. You didn't want to but still, you went.
And you never came back.