Title: We Wish You A Merry Christmas
Author: Paula Stiles (thesnowleopard@hotmail.com)
Series: DS9
Part: NEW 1/1
Rating: [PG]
Codes: B/Ez

Summary: The first year after the end of the Dominion War, Ezri throws a
Christmas party reunion on DS9 and tries to get everyone to sing carols.
The effort goes badly--very badly.

Disclaimer: Oh, please. Do you really think that if I owned any part
of this franchise the series would've ended without even a movie in the
works? Paramount owns all of the characters, the overall storyline, the
Star Trek universe, blah, blah, blah.

Archive: Sure--if you ask first.

Note: To snog--(Brit. slang) to kiss, to snuggle, to cuddle, to make out, to
lock lips...well, you get the picture.

Originally posted on alt.startrek.creative on December 16, 1999.


Ezri: All right, everybody. Are you ready?

Bashir: No.

Worf: Be silent! Dax is trying to speak.

Bashir (sweetly): Well, you could always go back Q'onos if I bother you
that much.

O'Brien: Knock it off, you two.

Ezri: A-HEM! And a One, and a Two...

All together (raggedly): We *wish* you a Merry *Christ*-mas, We *wish*
you a Merry *Christ*-mas, We *wish* you a Merry *Christ*-mas, And a
Hap-py New Year--

Kira: Waaait a minute. Is this on the Federation Calendar?

Ezri: Uh...I guess so.

O'Brien: Well, actually, it's a Terran New Year.

Keiko: A *Christian* New Year.

O'Brien: Well, it's the same thing.

Keiko (indignantly): *No,* it's not.

Bashir: She's right, Miles.

The O'brien's (in unison): Stay out of this, Julian.

Bashir: Fine. I'm just saying that it's a Christian New Year, and not, say, a
Muslim New Year. I thought I'd mention it--since my Mother never lets me
forget that.

Ezri: Your Mom's Muslim?

Bashir: Yeah, and my Dad's an atheist.

Jake: So...what's that make you?

Bashir: Ummm. Very confused?

Ezri (tapping on the bar with a shotglass): Let's move on, shall we?

Quark: Hey! That's *my* glass!

Ezri: Relax, Quark. I'll buy it from you, okay?

Quark: Fine. Just don't throw it.

Kira: Nah. That's Miles and Julian who do that.

Ezri: MO-ving onward. A one, and a two....

All together: Good tidings we bring, to you and your kin. We *wish* you a
Merry Christmas and Hap-py New Year.

Worf (to Bashir): I would not call you "kin".

Bashir: Bollocks to you, too, Ambassador.

Ezri: Hey! A one, and a two.

All together (even more raggedly): Now, *bring*us some figgy pudding,
now, *bring* us some figgy pudding, now, *bring* us some figgy pudding
and *bring* it right *here*.

Jake: What the heck is "figgy pudding," anyway?

O'Brien: It's an English thing.

(Everybody looks at Bashir.)

Bashir: What?

Kira: Well? What is it?

Bashir: You're asking *me*?

O'Brien: Well, you *are* English.

Bashir: So what? I've never heard of it. It sounds absolutely hideous. Ezri,
isn't there any more to this stup--I mean, really brilliant song?

Ezri (glaring at Bashir): Why, indeed, there is, dear. Shall we? A one, and a

All together (not at all in sync): We *won't* go until we get some, we
*won't* go until we get some, we *won't* go until we get some, so
*bring* some right *here*.

Worf: The people in this song are utterly lacking in courtesy, and therefore
completely without honor.

Bashir: Excuse me? What happened to "Let's all respect Ezri. Shut up and
sing or I'll disembowel you with my bat'leth?"

Worf: You dishonorable pat'ak! I cannot believe *you* were the one who
stole my wife away from me.

Bashir: Listen, mate, you *threw* her away. And she wasn't even your wife
in the first place--

Ezri: JU-lian.

Bashir: *That* was Jadzia. Besides, last time I checked, Dax was a free
agent. So she chose me, this time. Get used to it, you miserable sod.

Worf: You insult me? Useless, thieving Pat'ak!

Bashir: Git.

Ezri: Gu-uys.

Worf: Cowardly, lying Pat'ak!

Bashir: Wanker.

O'Brien: Worf, why don't you just quit while you're behind, eh?

Bashir: Yeah, the least you could do is come up with a new insult. Sore


Kira (Moving up quickly behind Worf): Sorry, Ezri. I think this little holiday
experiment is over. We'll meet you for the turkey dinner and hot

O'Brien: That's *toddies*, Colonel. Not *snoggies*.

Bashir (raptly): Oooh. Hot snoggies. Now, *there's* an image.

Ezri (coldly): Don't expect any from *me* any time soon.

Kira: Snoggies. Toddies. Whatever. We'll meet you guys later for dinner,
okay? Come on, Worf. Let's go whack some furniture in Odo's old quarters.
(She maneuvers the enraged and speechless Klingon out the door).

Keiko: I think we'd better go, too. The babysitter could use a break. Jake,
do you want to see Molly? She's been asking about you all the way fromEarth.

Jake: Hey, that'd be great. Thanks. I can tell her all about Nog's new
assignment in the Gamma Quadrant.

O'Brien (to Ezri): We'll come back with the presents. I've made up a
*great* new holoprogram of a Christmas tree and a nice fireplace.

Ezri: But...but--what about the carol?

Keiko: Maybe we can sing it later, with the kids there to help keep us all in
the right holiday spirit (She looks pointedly at Bashir, who just shrugs).
See you in a few hours. Byebye. (The O'Briens and Jake leave for the
Habitat Ring).

Ezri: Dammit. Julian, I am not happy with you.

Bashir: Quark.

Quark: What?

Bashir (picking up Ezri's bar glass): Take a walk.

Quark: Hey! This is *my* bar--okay, okay. I can take a hint. Don't throw
that glass at me. It's still mine. (He leaves)

Ezri: Julian, I can't *believe* you did that to Worf.

Bashir (shrugs) Sorry.

Ezri: No, you're not.

Bashir: Well...no. Not really, I suppose. Not the way you mean.

Ezri: I'll go talk to him.

Bashir (plaintively) What, *now*?

Ezri: Can you think of any reason why I shouldn't?

Bashir: Well, I had your present in our quarters. I was going to wrap it up
for you after the carolling.

Ezri: Why didn't you wrap it before? Does it take that much wrapping

Bashir: Not really. All it needs is a strategically placed bow--and a big
smile, of course.


Ezri: That's it? Just a bow?

Bashir: And a smile. A slightly evil smile.

Ezri: Um. Where, exactly would you put...

(More silence)

Ezri: How long did you say it would take to un--I mean, wrap this present?

Bashir: Not very long.

Ezri: 15 minutes?

Bashir: I think I could handle that.

Ezri (backing out the door unsteadily): Hm. Don't be late.

Bashir: I won't. (Ezri leaves.) Well, that went better than I expected.

Quark (coming back in): Hey! We never finished the song.

Bashir (with a slightly evil smile): I won't tell if you won't.