Author's Note: Welcome to Twilight on Crack. The story takes place a few years after Breaking Dawn leaves off. It's written in skit form, just because I couldn't decide what point of view to use, and I didn't want to use omniscient.

Chapter 1-Shrooms

Bella: *searching through cabinet* Edward, where is the pasta? Jake wants me to cook spaghetti for him.

Edward: Check in the cabinet, I think that's where it is.

Bella: *sees a mysterious bottle* What's this? *brushes dust off bottle* Huh, it doesn't have a label. Maybe I should taste it to see what it is. *takes a swig* Huh, that actually tastes kinda good. *drinks more*

Edward: Bella, if you see an unlabeled bottle in there, don't drink it, it's Emmett's vodka.

Bella: *speaks with slur* Vodka? Aha, what vodka?

Edward: Oh no. Emmett!

Emmett: *comes running down stairs* What?

Edward: Bella drank your vodka. *glares at Emmett* How did you recover from the alcohol?

Emmet: Alright Bella! *frightened by Edward's death glare* I had to eat a bunch of human food so I could choke the alcohol back up with the food—fast-food works best.

Bella: Food? Aha, I haven't eaten food in ten years. *gasp* I'm anorexic. *turns to Edward* Edward, I'm anorexic.

Edward: No you're not, love. Vampires don't need to eat.

Bella: *still speaking with a slur*Don't call me a vampire! I can be nice, so don't call me mean names.

Edward: Okay, I'm sorry, love. We need to get you to a fast-food restaurant. Emmett, go get the others so they can help.

Emmett: *salutes* Sir yes sir! *runs upstairs* Everyone! Bella's drunk and we need to have her eat fast-food so she can puke it up!

Bella: Aha, I'm all jacked up on Mountain Dew!

Edward: No, Bella, you drank vodka, not Mountain Dew.

Jake: Sheesh Bella, I never thought you were the person who would get drunk.

Bella: Aha, you would think you would, considering you ran around my house at night!

Renesmee: You did?

Jake: Uh, well, she was human, and I, uh, was trying to protect her.

Bella: Don't lie, you know you liked that kiss in the forest.

Renesmee: You kissed my mother?

Jacob: It was before you were born. It didn't mean anything.

Edward: You two can talk later. We need to go.

Renesmee: Dad, you're going to let him off the hook? He kissed your wife!

Edward: I know, I saw, sort of. We need to go.

Bella: Maybe I like being drunk. I don't wanna go! I'm going to live with the hobos outside of Starbucks! *runs off*

Emmett: *in shock* She ran to Starbucks to be with hobos! *doubles over laughing*

Edward: Come on, we need to go get her!

Jake: *climbing into car* How is she drunk? Vampires don't eat, and they don't have a working circulatory system, so how is she drunk?

Edward: To be honest with you, I really don't know. Alice where is she?

Alice: *giggling* She's getting high with hobos.

Renesmee: Mom's getting high?

Edward: Emmett, don't ever bring vodka into the house again.

Emmett: *speaking with slur* Okay, I won't bring it into the house, but what about the car, 'cause it's too late for that.

Jasper: Um, Edward, Emmett didn't bring that bottle of vodka into the house.

Alice: Jazz?

Jasper: I did.

Edward: Jasper! *pulls over in front of Starbucks* Everyone try to find Bella.

Bella: Eddie-poo! There you are! You should try some of this stuff.

Emmett: *still speaking with slurred speech* Bella! Want to share with your big brother?

Bella: Eddie, I'm a crack-addict. So you're gonna need to buy some.

Rosalie: Emmett, don't-oh no.

Emmett: What's up guysss?

Bella: It's the shrooms! Run from the shrooms!

Emmett: You better run from the shrooms Bella, or they'll get you.

Renesmee: Shrooms?

Rosalie: Mushrooms.

Bella: Batman is their leader! Na na na na na shrooms!

Jake: Bella, are you okay?

Bella: Yes I am. Don't I look okay?

Renesmee: Mom, you're drunk and high, you're not okay.

Bella: Don't talk to your mother that way! *to hobo* Don't you hate it when people think you're on something?

Hobo: Yeah man, except we are on something. *laughs* We're high

Bella: *laughs* You got that right!

Edward: Bella, it's time to go.

Emmett: Bella, your loverrrr is calllliing you.

Bella: Eddie-poo! Where are we going?

Edward: To a fast-food restaurant.

Bella: To the speedy food!

Author's Note: Aha, that shrooms thing actually happened to my friend. I don't know what was wrong with him, but he was sort of…strange that day. Anyways, let me know if you have any ideas for what should happen next.