Disclaimer: I don't own Stargate or Doctor Who (frown tear tear). Sadly, I don't even own a Sonic Screwdriver.
"…I love bananas! Bananas are my favorite. Absolutely delicious! Did you know there's an entire planet with nothing but bananas growing on it? Most people would think that it's a waste, but not me! Nope, I love bananas! Banana bread, banana cram pie, banana smoothies, banana daiquiris, banana pudding, banana muffins, banana milkshakes, banana splits, banana crepes…" a strange man with messy brown hair wearing a pinstriped-suit and a trench coat rattled on to a Jaffa who let his face which usually showed no emotion slip, showing brief confusion. Who was this man? He was obviously from the Tauri, the Jaffa was sure of that. But he didn't act like any of the other Tauri. This man should be afraid of the punishment his God would create for his blasphemy. But he was not. He was blabbering about something called a banana, without any worry at all.
"Have I forgotten anything?" the man asked to his two companions.
"Banana treroch on that one planet…" the other man said.
"Oh yeah! I forgot about that one. Not one of the best banana recipes I've ever had-" the man in the pinstriped suit said. They had reached the cell that the other Tauri were occupying. The Jaffa mentioned to his two subordinates and they pushed the three humans inside.
"Oi!" the man with the pinstriped suit exclaimed, "you don't need to push! A simple 'Get in the dungeon!' would do!" He said 'get in the dungeon' in a gruff tone.
The Jaffa locked the cell and put up the force field. There would be no way those sholva Tauri could escape this time and avoid punishment from the One True God. Then Jaffa turned and walked away, going to report to his master that he had captured three more Tauri.
"A Goau'ld force field!" the strange man exclaimed. His face was full of excitement. "Why, I haven't seen one of these old things in ages! The last time, granted, I wasn't exactly held captive, but more like visiting. But still! The Goau'ld aren't really my favorite species, but they do know how-" the man was cut off by the other man.
"Yeah, Doctor, we'd love to listen to your stories all day, but don't we have something else to do?"
"They aren't stories, Jack! I was reminiscing, not fictionalizing!" the man, who was obviously called the Doctor, insisted.
"Whatever you say, Doc," the man named Jack said with a wink. "But you promised that we'd go to that planet with those awesome hot baths, not some planet where humans were taken from earth and forced into slavery by snakeheads!"
"I agree," the woman said. "As much as I would love to be stuck in a high-tech Ancient Egyptian cell; I really do need a break… and those hot baths sound like heaven after all that running."
"Aw, come on!" the Doctor said. "Wouldn't it be fun just to wait and see who's going to come and interrogate us?"
"Interrogate us?" the woman questioned.
"Yes, you weren't showing the proper respect some God I think, Martha. And I think those Jaffa mistook us as some enemies, demons, or some sharlook herders -the first two are probably more likely, though- and their master will come and question us him or herself," the Doctor said.
"So it's my fault?" the woman named Martha asked.
"Might be, you never really know for sure with the Goau'ld," the Doctor said.
"Yeah, one time I was captured because I tried to, uh, sell some Genuine Goau'ld Ha'tack from the Twenty-first Century to the Time Agency and apparently it still belonged to some Goau'ld. It was pretty stupid of him, I think. He didn't bother to lock it, put some sort of identification saying 'Ha'tack belongs to Ra', or anything like that. How was I supposed to know it belonged to somebody already?"
"I think anybody would get mad when you try to steal their ship, Jack," the Doctor said with exasperated expression.
"I wasn't trying to steal it," Jack insisted. "I was simply trying to put it to good use! The ole ship was just sitting there, begging me to use it, lift it off the ground and fly it into the sky and through the stars…"
"It's still stealing!" the Doctor said.
"Anyways, enough reminiscing, you two," Martha said. "I want to go to go to those hot baths, or at least get out of this dungeon."
The Doctor sighed. "I guess we should leave," he said as if he wanted to stay in a prison and be interrogated by an evil parasite. "But it still would have been fun to stay. I was wondering who those Jaffa served. I haven't had a round with the Goau'ld for years."
"It would have been fun," Jack admitted. "It would be hilarious to see that snake's face when I was hit by a staff blast and-"
"I know!" the Doctor exclaimed. "Maybe if Martha wasn't with us…"
"Hey!" Martha exclaimed. "Just because I'm the only one who could die properly doesn't mean I'm fragile like a piece of glass!"
"I die perfectly properly!" Jack protested. "I just don't stay dead properly."
"And I just don't die," the Doctor said simply.
"So? Even if I can die and stay dead doesn't mean that we have to leave because some snake is going interrogate us?" Martha asked, clearly offended.
"Wait a second," a man with grayish hair wearing army fatigues asked, "You actually want to stay here?"
Martha, Jack, and the Doctor all turned around, first noticing the presence of the humans and Jaffa in the cell.
"Maybe," the Doctor shrugged. "It would be interesting."
"Who the hell are you people?" the man in army fatigues asked.
"Oh! How rude of us. Introductions; basic human manners. I'm the Doctor," the Doctor said.
"I'm Captain Jack Harkness, at your service," Jack said with a flirtasous smile.
"Cut it out, Jack," the Doctor said with an annoyed expression.
"I'm Martha," Martha introduced herself, smiling.
"And just who might you be?" the Doctor asked, looking them over. "Hmm, curious. Three humans from around Twenty-First Century Earth, America if I'm not mistaken, and a Jaffa- let me see, ah!- who serves Aphophis."
"I no longer serve false Gods," the Jaffa said.
"Really? Good for you! Those Goau'ld are quite annoying, don't you think? I mean, they pretend to be all knowing Gods, but don't go through the trouble of keeping up the image. I mean, come on! Any fool could see that their hand device is just a stream of positively charged atoms creating a physic link between two people activated by the presence of Naquadah and a little bit of concentration, and the Sarcophagus by-"
"You know how Goau'ld technology works?" a woman wearing the same type of army fatigues as the man asked.
"Of course! Basic stuff. The Goau'ld just steal technology from other races to use for their own benefit- namely enslaving populations to worship them and conquering other planets- by aren't nearly clever enough to actually create anything original," the Doctor rattled on about the Goau'ld.
The three humans in army fatigues and the Jaffa were all flabbergasted. Who was this strange man and his friends?
"Um, I'm Daniel. Dr. Daniel Jackson," the man obviously named Daniel Jackson said politely. "And these are my friends, Colonel Jack O'Neill-," Daniel said, pointing to the other man.
"Two L's," Jack O'Neill said.
"-And Major Samantha Carter," Dr. Daniel Jackson said, motioning towards the female in the group who had had asked if the Doctor knew how Goau'ld technology works.
"Hello," Samantha Carter said with a small smile.
"And this is Teal'c," Jackson said, pointing towards the last member in their group.
"Hmm. Those names sound familiar somehow. Let me see…" the Doctor mumbled incoherently to himself for a few seconds before exclaiming, "SG-1! Of course, you're SG-1, aren't you?"
"Uh, yeah," O'Neill said.
Realization hit Jack Harkness and Martha. Martha simply said, "Oh," but Captain Jack Harkness groaned, "Great! Doctor, not only did you not bring us to some hot-baths, but you brought us to the only group in the universe who could possibly get in almost as much trouble as us!"
"There was a double negative in that sentence, Jack," the Doctor pointed out. Martha smiled. "Um, Jack Harkness, I mean. Not you, Jack O'Neill," the Doctor added when everybody was slightly confused because of the presence of two Jacks.
"How did you know?" Dr. Jackson asked the Doctor.
"Basic Earth history, right?" the Doctor replied. After seeing the blank face on the archeologist's face, the Doctor added, "I read a lot."
Dr. Jackson decided not to press the issue further. Instead, he questioned the Doctor about something he had earlier said, "Do you know how do get out? Sam already tried, but it seems that the Goau'ld are getting smarter about our imprisonments."
"'Course I know how to get out!" the Doctor said indignantly. "Just wait a second." The Doctor fished through his pockets, occasionally mumbling, "Nope that's not it" "Gotta remember to read that" "Have to drop that off to" (he would mention a different name each time) "What's that doing here?" or just a simple "Not that". Finally the Doctor found what he was looking for. He pulled out of his pocket something that looked like a slightly oversized pen with buttons.
"What's that?" Jack O'Neill asked when seeing the strange device.
"A sonic screwdriver," the Doctor simply said.
"A sonic screwdriver?" Jack O'Neill repeated. "What the hell does that do?"
"A lot of things. Especially open up doors," the Doctor said.
"What's a sonic screwdriver?" Samantha Carter jumped into the conversation.
"Just what it sound's like!" The Doctor told them. "A screwdriver that's sonic."
"Why would you want a Sonic Screwdriver?" Carter asked.
"That's exactly what I said!" Jack Harkness said. "I mean, who looks at a screwdriver and think, 'This could be a little more sonic'?"
"I told you before, Jack. Haven't you ever had a night where you were really bored? And you had a lot of cabinets to put up?" the Doctor defended his Sonic Screwdriver.
"No," Captain Jack Harkness said, shaking his head. "Not really."
"Anyways, it's useful for situations such as these. See?" the Doctor said and pointed his Sonic Screwdriver to the small console. The door opened and the force field went down.
"Wow! We really need to get us one of those!" Jack O'Neill said with a whistle.
"See? Somebody appreciates the beauty of a Sonic screwdriver," the Doctor told Captain Jack Harkness.
"We should get out of here," Colonel O'Neill stated the obvious.
"We should," the Doctor said. "Somebody should be along soon to see what happened. I'd prefer if we weren't there. I really don't like weapons."
"Neither do I," Dr. Jackson said.
"Okay! Allons-y!" the Doctor shouted. Dr. Jackson smiled, but the rest of SG-1 didn't understand what the Doctor had said. After seeing their blank faces, the Doctor told them, "It means 'Let's go' etc. in French."
"Oh," O'Neill said. "In that case, Allons-y!"
"That's more like it! Now to the running!" the Doctor said enthusiastically.
"Always the running," Martha said with a grin.
So they ran, with the Doctor leading. At the end of each corridor, he would stop a second before deciding which way to go. At one corridor, they found a lone Jaffa on his way to his post. Before he could sound the alarm or apprehend the escaped prisoners, Teal'c tackled him and the enemy Jaffa slumped to the ground.
"Hey, what did ya do that for?" the Doctor asked, clearly a tad bit angry.
"He would have given away our position," Teal'c simply said.
"And he was about to shoot us again," Jack O'Neill pointed out.
"So? You didn't have to kill him!" the Doctor protested. SG-1 were surprised. Why was the Doctor protecting the person who would have recaptured them? The Doctor stared into each of SG-1's eyes. The group had stood up to System Lord's, to Gods; but to this strange man they shrank back. Jack O'Neill knew that this was a guy you did not want to cross. There was a certain air about the Doctor, an air of authority. The Doctor was a person greater than the fake Gods, and most certainly more powerful. Before he had treated everything like it was a game, but now with the death of that Jaffa the Doctor changed his take on everything. He was a person who wouldn't tolerate killing of anybody, even if they were about to kill him. In a way the Doctor reminded Jack O'Neill of the Nox. Except the Doctor's eyes held something the Nox's did not; anger. They were the eyes of a person who had seen and probably done terrible, terrible things. The eyes of a person who had been in war, and would do anything to stop another one. Eyes much too old for his young face.
Carter leaned down to the Jaffa and checked his pulse. "He's not dead," she reported. "There's a pulse. He's just unconscious."
The Doctor tore his gaze away from SG-1. "Good. Next time we run into trouble, we do things my way. Okay?"
SG-1 nodded. This was a man they shouldn't argue with. He probably could have talked Hitler out of starting World War II, for goodness sakes! The Doctor turned around, and started on again. "Well, come on now, you lot!" he said, his voice back to the carefree tone.
SG-1 weren't sure where the Doctor was leading them, but there was something about the Doctor that made you listen to him, hang on to his every word. They didn't argue or say anything when the Doctor started one way only to go back again at least twice. The Doctor knew what he was doing, so SG-1 let the man lead them out. After all, SG-1 had no idea where they were. They would be completely lost without the Doctor (they might be completely lost with the Doctor too, but Jack O'Neill discarded that thought).
Finally after who knows how long running, they all made it to an exit. Except there were two Jaffa guarding the door. Colonel O'Neill was about to suggest a strategy, but the Doctor spoke up first. "Okay, you lot, stay here," the Doctor said. Jack O'Neill was about to protest, but thought better of it. "Captain Jack, you're with me." Captain Jack Harkness nodded, and he and the Doctor walked towards the Jaffa.
"They are going to be captured or killed by the Jaffa," Teal'c said.
O'Neill shrugged. "I don't know. They seem to know what they're doing."
"Oh, they know what they're doing, alright," Martha spoke up. "The Doctor always has a plan, even if it's the end of the universe."
Daniel Jackson was about to respond, but they heard the Doctor speak and the group watched from their hiding place.
"Do any of you lot know where the bathroom is? I've been searching for hours. It's hard to find a bathroom in a pyramid, though," the Doctor said nonchalantly.
The Jaffa looked startled. They were obviously thinking the same thing as SG-1: what was this strange man doing? The Jaffa examined the Doctor and Captain Jack Harkness closer. "You are from the Tauri," one stated.
"That has a pretty complicated answer," the Doctor said, "one I'd rather not get into to know."
"You will surrender now and be brought before your God," the other Jaffa said.
"Love to," the Doctor said. "But I'm kind of busy. See, we were on our way to this wonderful little planet with the best hot baths in at least four galaxies, but we accidentally ended up here instead."
"Yep," Jack Harkness said. "There is another place with hot baths that are better in the Soufanit Galaxy, but-"
"Silence. You will surrender your weapons now," the Jaffa said.
"I don't carry weapons," the Doctor said, opening his coat to prove his point. "Nasty things. They kill, maim, torture, etc. Just not my style."
"He confiscated all my weapons," Captain Jack Harkness explained to the Jaffa. "Complete pacifist if I ever knew one."
"Jack, I think now would be the time to use that Sonic Blaster you smuggled when you thought I wasn't looking," the Doctor said.
Captain Jack Harkness turned towards the Doctor. "What?" he said. "You knew about that?"
"Yep. You should know better, Jack," the Doctor said.
"It's not a weapon!" Jack Harkness said. "Well, not really."
"That's not what I meant," the Doctor told him, "you should know you can't hide anything from me."
Captain Jack Harkness rolled his eyes. "Just as full of yourself as ever."
"Yep," the Doctor said, popping the 'P'.
Captain Jack Harkness smiled and pulled what must be the sonic blaster out of his jacket. The Jaffa instantly reacted. They took their staff weapons and shot Jack straight in the chest.
SG-1 almost cried out, but they all stopped themselves just in time. Jack O'Neill wasn't sure what to think. He had thought that the Doctor had everything under control. That he and Captain Jack were going to take care of the two Jaffa. But instead Captain Jack Harkness got himself killed. Colonel O'Neill looked at Martha. He expected to see grief on her face, or something. But he didn't. Instead, there was the same slightly annoyed expression that was on her face before. Why wasn't Martha showing any emotion? Her friend had just been killed, for cryin' out loud! She should be doing something besides just staying there, waiting for something. But then Jack O'Neill thought that maybe she was just waiting. Maybe the other Jack wasn't really dead. But how could he not be? He was shot twice directly in the chest. Nobody could survive that.
"Surrender now," the Jaffa said to the Doctor, their staff weapons pointed towards him.
"Okay, okay. I surrender," the Doctor said in a tone that Colonel O'Neill couldn't quite place. Before the Jaffa could grab the Doctor, something surprising, even by SG-1's standards, happened. Captain Jack Harkness just sat up. Like nothing ever happened. They couldn't see his front properly, but there wasn't any blood coming from his chest anymore. SG-1 looked at Martha, to see what she thought of it. Martha's face hadn't changed. She obviously expected that.
The Jaffa just noticed that Captain Jack Harkness was alive. They were astounded. Was this man a God, too? they wondered. Captain Jack smiled and pointed the Sonic Blaster towards the ground. What happened next was just as surprising to SG-1 as Jack Harkness coming back to life.
The ground beneath the Jaffa dematerialized, and the Jaffa fell to the level below them. Captain Jack pointed at the ground again, and the ground rematerialized.
"Uggh! Couldn't you have thought of a better plan, Doctor?" Jack Harkness asked. "You do know that being shot by a staff blast directly in the chest and then coming back to life is painful."
"Sorry, Jack," the Doctor said in a non-sympathetic tone.
Martha stepped out of the hiding place and said, "Well, if you're done wining, Jack, let's get a move on."
"Hey! You lot!" the Doctor called SG-1. "It's okay to come out now."
SG-1 came out of their hiding place, tentatively at first. "What the hell just happened?" Jack O'Neill asked.
"We got rid of the Jaffa guarding the door without hurting them," the Doctor said. "Well, they might have a few bumps and bruises, but nothing too serious."
"But- but- but you were dead!" Jack O'Neill stuttered, pointing towards Captain Jack Harkness.
"Yep, I was," Jack Harkness simply said.
"But now you're not," Colonel O'Neill said.
"Wow, smart one, you are," the Doctor said.
"How?" Carter asked after recovering herself. "They shot you twice with a staff blast directly in the chest. We saw it, and you confirmed it. But now you're alive without any sign of it, without the use of a sarcophagus or a hand device."
"It's a long story," Captain Jack said.
"And we best be going," the Doctor said.
"Yes, I want to go to those hot baths now," Martha said.
"Okay, Martha," the Doctor said. "Allons-y!" Captain Jack Harkness, Martha, and the Doctor all walked outside and headed east.
"The Stargate is this way," Dr. Jackson said, pointing to the west.
"Uh-huh," the Doctor said, nodding.
"So why are you going that way?" Colonel O'Neill asked.
"'Cause that's where I parked my ship," the Doctor said.
"Your ship?" Samantha Carter questioned, immediately interested in the ship. If the Doctor was able to disable the force field keeping them inside the cell, his spaceship would definitely be something to look at.
"Yep," the Doctor said, not saying anything else about his spaceship.
"Can we see it?" Carter asked.
"Now why would you want to do that?" the Doctor asked, smiling.
"Because you might have technology we could use to defend Earth. And I'm sure we could trade you for it. There must be something you need," Carter said.
"Technology to defend Earth?" the Doctor scoffed. "Yeah, it might start off that way. But then you'll decide to blow up a ship that was leaving peacefully, or start World War III. Well, not War World III, too early for that. But you might intend to use the technology for defense at first, but it won't stay that way. And even if you wanted to, we both now that you guys won't have control over the technology. The American Military will. And who knows what will happen then?"
Jack O'Neill thought that Doctor reminded him not only of the Nox, but also a little of the Tollans. They wouldn't give Earth advanced technology in fear that they would use it to blow themselves up. Jack was once again reminded how young they were. He wondered what planet the Doctor was from. Captain Jack Harkness and Martha might be from Earth, or a planet similar to Earth, but the Doctor was from a very different planet. A very different technologically advanced planet.
Before the SG-1 could respond, Captain Jack Harkness said, "Don't even bother. He won't even let me see half of the things he has stored in the TARDIS."
"Even if you can't give us technology, I'm sure there's a lot you can teach us about your culture, and maybe others. We could learn a lot from you," Dr. Jackson said.
"You could," the Doctor said. Jackson first took that as a 'yes', but then the Doctor continued, "But you'll figure it out on your own eventually without me, believe me."
"How do you know?" Jack O'Neill asked. "Did you look into your crystal ball and see that we keep Earth from being destroyed before we learn about the different cultures out there?" O'Neill waved his hands towards the sky when saying 'out there'.
"Something like that," the Doctor said with a grin. "Anyways, it's been lovely meeting you all. But I believe that we have some hot baths to go to."
"Yes," Martha said.
"You're leaving? Just like that?" Jack O'Neill asked.
"Yep. Don't worry, I'm sure we'll see you around the universe," the Doctor said.
The Doctor and his companions waved goodbye, and continued walking east. SG-1 just stood there, watching them. They suddenly recognized a blue box. The three strangers walked into it, one by one, the Doctor last.
"See you around! Good work, by the way! You guys will do just fine!" The Doctor gave a final wave and walked into the blue box and closed the door. Each member of SG-1 were wondering how three people could fit inside that blue box. It was big, but not that big.
Then peraphs the strangest thing of all happened. Stranger than the Doctor opening the door and disabling the force field with his Sonic Screwdriver, stranger than Captain Jack Harkness coming back to life, and stranger than that Sonic Blaster Captain Jack Harkness used to make the floor disappear and then reappear.
There was this odd sound, a sound that none of SG-1 would ever forget, and the blue box started disappear. It sort of flashed a few times, and then it completely disappeared. SG-1 just stood there, completely flabbergasted.
Finally, Colonel Jack O'Neill said, "Let's go home, boys and girls."
"Yes, sir," Carter said, nodding.
"Indeed," Teal'c said.
"I wonder if we'll ever see him again," Daniel Jackson pondered.
"I don't know," Jack O'Neill admitted. "But this is gonna be a lot of paperwork," Colonel Jack O'Neill grumbled. And then SG-1 headed towards the Stargate, all thinking of the strange man in the pinstriped suit and trench coat and his two companions.
Okay! There it is! I hoped you all liked it! It was funny, the other day my stepdad asked, "Hey have any of you seen that screwdriver on the table?" I had to resist the urge to ask "A Sonic Screwdriver?" or exclaim "You have a Sonic Screwdriver! Can I have it? Pleaseeee?" becasue my mom was in a very bad mood. Okay, maybe it wasn't that funny. Anyways, I hoped you all like this little crossover! It was my first crossover, so let me know what you think please!