Summary: Charlie begins to realise that the Cullens are not as normal as they seem. How far will Charlie go to uncover their secret? Answer: pretty far! Craziness ensues. Out Of Control.

Hey everyone, I'm back! I still can't believe that Claire, Sarah and I actually finished the Edward Diaries! I loved writing it it was so much fun! (go read it it's on my profile)

Anyway today we were sitting chatting at lunch and this idea kinda started. My guinea pig went missing last night. We think a fox got him anyway, so i think everyone was trying to cheer me up. We started talking about what would happen if Charlie became determined to find out what the Cullens were. Lol, we're cool I know!

So this is a story I'm going to write by myself but i may get some input from other people.

Now I have to warn you, like the Edward Diaries this is meant to be funny. It is not as out of control as The Edward Diaries was but it will still be crazy. Do not expect a sensible, serious fan fic. This is for a laugh so don't complain when i make the characters do strange, outrageous things they would never normally do.

I have exams this week and next so I can't promise lots of updates, or any at all! So please review as I will not bother to continue unless people like it. I promise that this is more of an introductory chapter and that things will start to go crazy in the next one!

All characters belong to Stephenie Meyer.

Please enjoy and review

Set in the summer between Twilight and New Moon.

Charlie Swan was a Police Officer. Not only that, he was the chief of Police. It was his job to know everything about everyone. He thought he was good at his job. Until he met Edward.

At a first glimpse, Edward seemed to be the boyfriend every father would want for their daughter. Kind, loving, protective, well- mannered and from a good family. Never the less, Charlie couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. He was missing something big. If only he knew...

Charlie's suspicions grew slowly as he began to notice small things. He never ate. 'What's up with that?' thought Charlie to himself. He distinctly remembered eating nonstop as a teenager. Come to think of it, not a lot had changed...

Also, Edward's chivalry just seemed to be too good to be true. He was a hormonal teenage boy, yet Charlie barely ever saw him do anything more than kiss Bella lightly. He knew he should be happy about this, but it just didn't make sense.

Edward had been the reason Bella ran away. Also, Bella had very coincidentally "forgotten" about her fall. Dubious at best.

Something was wrong. And Charlie was going to get to the bottom of it.


As Charlie pulled into the driveway after a long day at work, frisking old lumber jacks and giving out parking tickets, he noticed that Bella's truck wasn't there.

'Unbelievable!' he thought to himself, 'Still at that boy's house at eight o clock at night! She should be at home, dressed in her ankle length skirt, reading PG 13 literature!'

He checked his gun. He had a full chamber. If Edward and Bella were up to anything more than holding hands, Charlie would be more than happy to get some firing practice in.

With an evil grin and a manic laugh, Charlie reversed out of the driveway and sped off towards the Cullen's house.

Charlie had never been to the Cullen's house before but had checked their address the day that Bella went to meet Edward's family. Charlie may have trusted Dr Carlisle Cullen, but Edward Cullen was a different matter.

It took Charlie several triesto find the entrance to the driveway that was ensnarled by overgrowing plants.

Charlie added 'family have very bad gardening skills' to his list of things he held against Edward.

As he negotiated his way down the narrow, winding driveway, it began to rain. Unfortunately, due to a prank Mike Newton had pulled the night before, Charlie's windscreen wipers had been super glued to his windscreen.

Cursing, Charlie tried desperately to make out the shape of the road in front of him.

'Surely it can't be much further,' thought Charlie to himself.

Meanwhile, Emmett was strolling his way through the woods, humming "Uptown Girl". He was returning from a quick hunting trip where he had managed to snag several bears. Naturally, Emmett had a little fun, by throwing the bears repeatedly hundreds of feet into the air, catching them, and watching them stager drunkenly about. Emmett's booming laughter mingled with the patter of the rain as he remembered all the dizzy bears.

His ears picked up a sound. It was a car. Not Bella's. Unfamiliar. Intrigued, Emmett turned and ran towards it.

Within a few seconds he emerged onto the driveway, a little ahead of the car. Emmett quickly recognised it. It was a Police cruiser, being driven by Charlie, Bella's father. Emmett grinned to himself as he quickly thought of all the ways he could embarrass Edward in front of Charlie.

Suddenly, Charlie hit a very wet patch of mud, and his tyres began to skid. As the car spun out of control Charlie could see, even through the rain, the 50ft drop down to the river in front of him.

There were no fences or barriers to stop him.

Charlie raised his arms to protect his face as he prepared for the horrifying drop.

So, naturally, he was surprised when instead of freefall, he felt the car slam into something very hard. He hesitantly opened his eyes to see Emmett Cullen standing at the hood of the car. His feet on the very edge of the steep river bank.

Too shocked to fully realise what had happened, Charlie hastily pulled own the window and shouted,

"Move! The bank could give way! What are you doing?!"

Emmett simply grinned and replied, "it's cool Charlie! No worries!" and he slowly made his way around to the side of the car.

He opened the car door, and as Charlie was in too much shock to move, Emmett grabbed his arm and pulled him from the car. Charlie may have been shocked, but he couldn't help but notice that Emmett's skin was ice cold.

Emmett realised that Charlie was staring at his hand on his arm. He must feel how cold his hand was. Emmett quickly dropped his hand after ensuring Charlie was steady on his feet. I mean, he was related to Bella after all.

Charlie's senses began to return to him. He raised his head to look at his car. It was splattered in mud and had been scratched by branches, but what drew his attention was the huge dent in the car's bonnet. It was exactly the shape of Emmett's torso.

Charlie's eyes to flashed to Emmett. He was standing tall, unscathed and uninjured. Charlie's eyes flashed back to his mangled bonnet. Somehow this boy had managed to stop his car, which had been moving at over 40mph.

He didn't have a scratch on him. Charlie's thoughts were incoherent as he wheeled yet again from the car to Emmett and back again.

As Charlie stuttered and looked from Emmett to the car, Emmett's good humour started to wear off. He had performed a perfectly impossible feat in front of a human. Not only a human, but the Chief of Police. Not only the chief of Police, but Bella's Dad!

Emmett thought of what Rosalie would do if they had to move again.

He thought of Edward throwing a hissy fit and destroying his jeep.

He thought of Bella throwing an even bigger hissy fit because he had revealed to her father that he and his family were not human.

'I'm in some deep shit...' thought Emmett.

Charlie had regained his voice.

"How.... how did you stop my car? You're not even hurt! What the hell?!" Charlie was clearly having a minor mental breakdown.


Okay, major mental breakdown.

Emmet tried to remain offhand. "Oh well, I like to go to the gym, you know? I mean if you did a few hours in the gym every day I'm sure you could do the same."

Charlie glared at Emmett. He was a cop. He knew he was lying. With a grunt Charlie got back into the now half mangled car. Emmet got in the passenger seat and Charlie continued up the driveway, far slower than before.

He kept sneaking glances at Emmett from the corner of his eye, trying in vain to find some rational explanation for what had just happened. He failed.

They eventually reached the Cullen's grand house and Charlie gasped. It was huge. He knew the Cullen's were well off but the grandeur took him by surprise. He didn't think they were that well off!

Shaking his head, Charlie walked up to the front door and knocked. Emmett barged past and slammed the door open. "We have a visitor!"

Charlie stepped tentatively into the opulent house and was surprised to see all of the Cullens walking towards him.

'That was quick' he thought.

Bella slowly walked towards her father. She was annoyed that he was taking her away from Edward. She was about to argue until she noticed that he was soaked, tired, and that his face was an angry shade of purple.

Bella grabbed her coat, kissed Edward on the cheek, something that only served to annoy Charlie further, and walked out towards her truck, waving goodbye to the others. Charlie nodded suspiciously at the Cullens, mumbled 'goodnight' and threw an extra suspicious glance at Emmett for good measure as he left.

As Bella climbed into her truck she noticed Charlie's cruiser. Even through the rain she could see the shape of the hood of his car. It quickly brought back memories of the shape of Edward's shoulders crushed into the metal of the car that had been next to hers on that fateful, icy day.

"Oh my god." Muttered Bella. This was so not good. They each drove their respective vehicles home and as Bella tried to escape up to her room, Charlie called her back.

"Bella, I need to talk to you."

Bella sighed and stood opposite Charlie's chair.

"There is something up with the Cullens. I don't know what. But today Emmett stopped my truck from going over a cliff into the river. He stopped my car that was moving at 40 mph. He doesn't even have a scratch on him."

Bella felt panic rising. He wasn't meant to be thinking about this.

"Dad, Emmett's VERY strong. That kind of stuff is normal for him."

Charlie frowned and moved onto his next argument.

"They are not related but they all have pale skin and the same eye colour."

"Dad, they live in Forks. There is no sun. Everyone is pale. Yeah, and they all like to wear contact lenses....yeah...ummm....they are a big fashion trend in ...Alaska!"

Charlie didn't believe her.

"Bella, I can't help but notice that they are all very good looking."

Bella was running out of options for throwing Charlie off course. She went for the Hissy fit option.

"OMG DAD! You are so perverted! Why would you even notice that! That's sick! THEY ARE ALL 17 AND 18, YOU PAEDOPHILE!"

Bella then proceeded to run up to her room and slam the door.

Charlie sat at the table for hours. He thought so much his Neanderthal brain creaked with the strain. Pale skin. Bronze eyes. Beauty. Freezing Cold. They never eat. They are just creepy... Thoughts swirled around Charlie's head. Eventually he fell asleep, muttering to himself.

"Their secret, I will find their secret...."


The next morning Bella headed off to School to spend her day staring at Edward rather than learning. Charlie slowly drove to work in his half – destroyed car.

After arranging for a replacement car, he began to dig up any dirt that could possibly exist on the Cullens. He went through their Police records with a fine tooth comb. Nothing. He asked around town. Apart from the odd piece of made up gossip, nothing. He even Googled them. Nothing.

As a last ditch attempt, Charlie went to Forks Hospital to ask the staff about Dr Cullen.

Mean while, at Forks High school, Bella sat drooling at the lunch table, staring at Edward. Emmett became irritated by the drip...drip....drip... this created so put a tray underneath her mouth. Problem solved.

Back at the Hospital Charlie was walking through the waiting room when a display caught his eye. It was pictures from throughout the Hospital's history. After admiring some grotesque pictures of surgeries gone wrong, patients with extra limbs, and burns victims, another picture caught his eye.

I was dated 1909 and showed all the hospital staff. Charlie was about to turn around when something caught his eye. There, on the front row was Dr Carlisle Cullen.

There was no mistaking him. With a gasp, Charlie wrenched the picture from the wall and hurried out to his car, receiving some very bad looks from elderly ladies on the way.

He spent the rest of the day staring at the picture. Carlisle hadn't aged. Another thing to add to the suspicions list. They were immortal.

Charlie headed over to his computer. For hours he trawled through internet pages, searching for answers. One thing was for sure, Charlie Swan could never be accused of not caring who, or what his daughter was dating.

Many doughnuts, several cups of coffee and a sever increase in cholesterol later, Charlie found it. The answer. He knew what they were.