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Forgive Me Brother, For I Have Sinned

The door to Bobby's panic room closed, and I knew there was no going back this time. My little brother that I cared about more than anything in the world was a monster. And it was all my fault. I let this happen to him. I couldn't even save my brother from himself, how do these angels think I'm gonna be able to save the world?

It should have been simple movements to kill that demon. Just one slice across her throat would have been enough. But…but he drank her blood like a junkie that hadn't had their fix in over a month. How long had he been doing this? A week? A month? Since I got out, when? Was it something I could have prevented? Why did he start? Why is this something he seems to need?

I had no answers to these questions, and I didn't want them. None of this wouldn't have happened if I wouldn't have gone to Hell. Shit if I would have died two years ago like I was supposed to this wouldn't have been a problem at all. The apocalypse might not even be happening. Oh, wait, that's my fault too. Castiel wants me to stop it, they all want me to stop it…Cas, what the hell happened to him? He was scared when he talked to me in my dream. Dead scared. Something was seriously wrong, but not anymore. Now he's just a big a dickhead as he was when I first met him. The angel that I knew was gone now. He seemed to hate me, just like he did all those months ago.

What the hell happened to him? I could ask Anna, but she didn't want to talk to me either. I haven't talked to her or seen her since…And when I see her again she gives me the brush off. I shook my head. Whatever. Doesn't matter anyway.

"Guys, guys this isn't funny!" I closed my eyes and swallowed.

What the hell are you doing?! A voice in my head bellowed. Let your brother out of there, now! You can't keep him prisoner! What would Dad say if he were here?

He'd say to KILL HIM! That's what he told me to do before he died, TO KILL HIM!

I can't. I won't. I still have hope that he'll come out of this human. Maybe if this works like I want it to he might go back to normal. Back to the dorky kid brother I used to make fun of all the time. The one that smiled and laughed and told me to shut up when I was being annoying. The one that called me jerk for the hell of it. Not this Sam. This Sam was cold, malicious, a killer without a conscience. He didn't care what happened to me anymore. I think he did when I first got out, but now he just doesn't give a shit. He wants his whore and his powers, other than that he could care less.

This isn't fair. I didn't want to be brought back just to lose what I cared about the most. I had a brother before I died. Now he was gone, lost in something horrible inside him. I'd like to tear it out. Whatever evil thing that was taking over my brother, I want to kill it. I want to tear it to shreds. I want to use what I learned from Alastair for a good cause. But I don't know how. Right now I'm praying that this works. I'm not doing this because I'm mad at Sam, or that I want to hurt him, or that I want to see him suffer, I'm trying to save him. I really am. This is an act of desperation, my last shot to get Sam back. The last resort.

"Dean! Dean, what the hell are you doing?!" His voice was muffled by the heavy door. I don't know what I'm doing Sam. Don't hate me. Please don't hate me. Understand what I'm trying to do, please. Understand why. I'm begging you.

Let him out. Open that door, play it off as a joke and let him out.


He's your brother for God's sake why would you do this to him?

Because I love him. Because Dad told me to protect him. So I am.

Open the door. Let him out. You're treating him like an animal!

Stop it.

Are you getting a kick out of this? Watching your little brother squirm in a cage?


Open the door.

I can't. I won't. I'm trying to help him, you have to believe me.

He doesn't.

Why was Dean doing this to me? Why would he leave me in this place? Is he trying to kill me like Dad told him to? He should have done it quicker then. This is just cruel. But he's been cruel before. For ten years. I looked at the metal door with hate in my eyes. I wouldn't give up without a fight. If he wanted me dead, if he saw me as that much of a threat he hasn't seen anything yet.

I can feel the thirst in the back of my throat. My hands won't stop shaking, even when I try and force them to. I scowled again at the door, hating the man on the other side of it. This was Dean's idea, not Bobby's. God my throat was so dry! Just a little would be enough. Then I could break through this door and show Dean how strong I really was. If he wanted to kill me, then he'd have to fight me, and I'd like to see him survive. He couldn't beat me. No, Dean's weak, a lot weaker than he used to be.

Maybe he's trying to help you Sam. The voice was quiet, barely even there.

How, by leaving me in this place to rot?!

By keeping you away from the blood. It's not good for you.

How the hell would you know? You're just as weak as he is!

Just because this makes you stronger doesn't mean it's a good thing.

You don't know anything.

I know that last year you weren't evil.

I'm not evil!

You're thinking about killing your big brother.

Because he's trying to kill me!

Dean would never hurt you, even if you are evil. He can't.

Good, that should make it easier.

Listen to yourself! You were trying to save Dean less than a year ago and now…

I'm not weak. I can kill anything that comes near me. Lillith included.

You're weak because of your arrogance.

"Dean, open the door!" I bellowed.

I dared him to. If he did…

I half smiled at all of the blood in my thoughts. No, Dean would not survive if we fought. And to be honest, I couldn't wait to get my hands on him.

He's your brother.

I don't care.

Then you really are evil.

"Dean, open the damn door!" I winced again. I had stopped myself several times from opening it. This was for his own good. At least, that's what I keep telling myself.

"I'm goin' to bed," Bobby said. I almost forgot he was there. I nodded. "You should get some sleep."

"I will." I said quietly. His face was concerned, and for a moment I thought he was gonna say something. But he turned and walked away, out of sight.

"Dean, knock it off this isn't funny! Just open the door!" I leaned up against it, sliding down to the floor. I felt my heart wrench painfully, so hard I thought it'd break.

"Dean, open the DOOR!"

I would not let him become a monster. I would not let what Dad said come true.

This was going against every nature I had.


I felt tears in my eyes, hot, burning. They didn't want to come but they were there. I buried my face in my hands and cried silently against the door, wishing that this was all a bad dream. On one hand I saw the face I had grown up with, the one that smiled, the one that counted on me, who tried as hard as he could to save me from Hell. And on the other I saw the blood soaked face that took such pleasure in ripping that demon from Amelia's body.

I cried harder at the memory, still trying to keep myself silent.

"Forgive me, Sammy."

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