Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.
Further Disclaimer: I claim no responsibility for any brain damage that this fic may cause. You have been both warned, and... erm, farthswather, whatever that means.
Edit: The website apparently mangled the original version at some point, disrupting formatting and outright truncating certain parts, so I reuploaded it. Enjoy the full, unobstructed version! (I hope.)
Finally, before any of you dive into this with abandon, I would like to apologize ahead of time for the brain damage that you may or may not be given; I may claim no responsibility, as you have been warned, but... oh heck, it was fun, but don't go bashing your brains out, okay?
Ron would never forget the day it happened. It had to have been one of the most... horrible things that had ever happened.
It was the day that his brothers had finally decided Harry needed to relax. So they gave him... something.
"HIMYNAME'SHARRYTHAT'SANICETIE!SEEYALATERBYE!~" Harry zoomed away from Ron, who was now sporting a tie around his neck. Or it would have been a tie, if it didn't happen to have several pink ribbons tied to it with flowers and nails and other random things in the ties.
"Harry?" Harry, however, didn't listen, too intent on running out to the Weasley garden to pick more flowers. Many of those flowers turned out to be garden gnomes, who then began frantically trying to claw their way out of the insane boy's grasp.
"GEAR OFF! OKAY!" Harry then disrobed the gnomes, which was a sight Ron hoped never again to see, before producing ribbons from nowhere and tying them to the, now very unhappy little gnome, "Sing I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT, SHORT AND STOUT! It'll be fun!"
"H-harry? Are you okay?" Ron could have slapped himself, of course Harry wasn't okay! He was acting... well, there was frankly no words to describe how Harry was acting.
Suddenly Ron was snatched, and put into the hole that the gnome had vacated, "LOOKIT! A GARDEN RON! YAY! HEY GNOME GUY, YOU'RE RON NOW! HEY RON WHERE'S GINNY!"
"I don't know! Harry knock it off!" Harry, of course, wasn't listening, instead digging up another poor, defenseless garden gnome, happily dressing it up much like he had the first one, except with a whole bouquet's worth of red flowers in its hair.
"HI GINNY HOW ARE YOU DOING I'M DOING GREAT YOU WANNA PLAY QUIDDITCH? OKAY! FIREBOLT I CALL TO YOU!" Fortunately Harry didn't have his wand, but that wasn't about to stop Harry, who decided to go get said broomstick... by climbing up the wall, fingers leaving little indentations in the not-that-old wood planking. "FIIIIREBOLT! HEEEERE'S HARRY!" Harry's Firebolt suddenly flew out the window dragging along Harry, who had just gone through said window to retrieve it; for a moment Ron thought it might have been fleeing him, until he noticed Harry hanging onto it by the bristles, laughing like a mad man just escaped from some sort of asylum.
"HEYLOOKATREE!HEYTREEHITME!HITMEHITMEHITMEHITMEHITME!" Harry suddenly hopped off of his broom, which he had mounted in mid-flight, to land in an old tree in the Weasley back yard, whence he grabbed a branch and started shaking the branch with all his might, causing it to sway far more than such a skinny boy should have been able.
Ron fought against his dirty bindings, even as the gnomes next to his head stood in abject horror at the sight before them; rather than fight Ron for the hole he was currently stuck in, the displaced Gnome simply dug a new one, throwing dirt up Ron's nose and making him sneeze.
"OLOOKAGARDENGNOME!" Ron nearly went into hysterics when Harry descended on him, eyes wide and humongous grin on his face; before Ron could somehow pull a miracle out his ass Harry had pulled him out of the hole, grabbed him by the back of the shirt and spun him around, flinging him nearly twenty feet atop a bunch of bushes, "HEYLOOKITSGINNY!HEYGINNY!"
Ron didn't get a good look at what Harry had found to do after throwing him halfway to death, but when his vision stopped swirling he found Harry accosting his older brother, Bill, who was now sporting flowers and ribbons in his hair, on his fingers, shoes, pants, belt, earring, everywhere imaginable on his shirt, the fingerless glove he had on his right hand, and even a bunch that had been stuffed into his mouth and the nostrils of his nose.
"WHEEEE!" Harry then sped off for parts unknown.
At just about that moment Fred and George came out the back door, snickering madly as they noticed Ron and Bill in their predicaments, causing Ron to grow furious, "WHAT DID YOU DO!"
Suddenly both twins broke out into uproarious laughter, almost threatening to out-laugh Harry, who despite being several walls away by now could still be heard quite well, to the added noise of breaking dishes and the Weasley Matriarch screaming in a mixture of anger and terror.
Suddenly Bill picked Fred up off of the ground by the front of his shirt, "What. Did. You. Do?"
"Hehewe thought Harry could use a pick-me-up, so we gave him something new of ours!"
"Hehey it's safe, we use it on ourselves sometimes! Like this morning!"
"WHAT DID YOU GIVE TO HIM!"
Suddenly both George and the captive Fred broke out into a melodic shout, "SUPER MEGA HYPER EXTRA SPECTACULAR UBER HYPER HAPPY JUICE OF EXTRA EXCITEMENT AND GREATNESS!"
Bill stared. Ron stared. Both of them got identical feelings of dread as the twins began to dissolve into giggles. "Hey guess what!" Fred suddenly stood up straight, despite still being held off the ground, a manic look in his eye, "Ginny got some too!"
This statement was followed by twin shouts of "WHAT!"
"She was trying to stop us! Yeah! And then the cap came off, and some got in her eye! Most of it got in Harry, but Ginny got some too!" Which, of course, explained why Ginny had suddenly hijacked their mother's wand and decided to, somehow, take off on it like a broom, flying out the kitchen window, Harry diving out it with his arms spread akimbo as though he thought he were an airplane.
Ginny giggled from her flying wand, "Harry, you're not a bird!"
Harry quickly climbed off of Ron, who had dove for Harry when he saw the boy do a suicide dive, "OHYEAH!I'MNOTABIRDI'MABOYWHOLIVED!OH!IKNOW,ISHOULDGOKILLVOLDEMORT!YEAH!" Before anyone could stop him Harry suddenly put both hands to his forehead, palms out, and shouted, "SUPERSCARPOWERGO!"
Now, see, normally this would only have resulted in Harry standing there, looking like an idiot. However, his mind wasn't currently working quite right, so even his subconscious didn't realize that this wouldn't work, so instead it decided to make it work. The piece of Voldemort's soul in the scar itself wanted to go back to Voldemort anyway, of course, so when Harry suddenly supplied it with enough raw magic to turn a Hippogriff into a fluffy pink bunny rabbit and send it hopping around the world in three seconds flat, it did what it wanted to do: Returned to Voldemort, bringing the boy along for the ride.
Of course, it also gained sentience, and a disposition that would lend it well to being a fluffy pink bunny on Speed.
Voldemort was lounging on his throne of human skulls, which had once been a moldy old lounge chair, when he heard it. "VOLDYVOLDYMOLDYBUTT!HEYGUESSWHATI'MHERELET'SPLAY!"
Voldemort was then suddenly assaulted by the grabbing, crawling body of a young boy with a mad grin on his face, "AARGH! GEROFF!"
"GEAR OFF? OKAY!" Suddenly Voldemort had been disrobed, and this did not please him... nor did it please anyone else, for that matter, the very sight of it sending a very unfortunate Lucious, er, Lucius Malfoy to his knees, gargling as though his mind had suddenly been erased.
"AAARRRGGGHH! AVADAAAAAAAAHHHH! LET GO OF MY HAND YOU LITTLE MONSTER!" Harry, of course, decided that the hand was too chewy anyway and decided to gnaw blankly on Voldemort's head, pulling great bits of hair, ear, and nose away, continuing to grapple with the man who suddenly toppled over, sending the both of them rolling to the floor.
"I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL TO SHREDS AND FEED IT TO YOU!"
"!" Suddenly, out of nowhere, Harry's very Magical core recreated the stuff that was currently in his system and Harry lopped a great glob of the stuff directly into the Dark Lord's face.
It was known from that day forward that the sight of the resurrected Dark Lord trying to play with everyone and everything that moved while stark naked was a sight capable of causing brains to turn to mush. Two hours later a series of Auror's invaded the suddenly smoking building with the odd pink and purple sparks coming from it to find one of the oddest, most disturbing sights that any of them had ever seen.
Voldemort was currently licking the bark off a purple tree that had ice cream attached to its leaves while Harry shook nearby, insane grin still in place as he was hissing madly to a giant snake, the head of which had long ago exploded. What little they could get out of the two was that Voldemort had, at some point, felt regret for all of his killings, because they were all people who could have been there, right then, to play with him, but now they couldn't because he had killed them; that regret had caused all his Horcruxes to be rescinded and the shock had destroyed what little sanity he had still had, causing him to forever, from that day forth, have the mind of a hyperactive pink rabbit that continued to randomly lick things, even going so far as to suddenly develop an animagus form that fulfilled the needs of that fragment of his soul that had been given sentience while still stuck in Harry's forehead; he was put on display in a magical zoo, where he was given an unlimited supply of sugary foods and plenty to play with and snuggle.
Ron read the plaque next to the glass display case, which still housed the insane pink rabbit that had once been the world's most feared Dark Lord.
The plaque had a simple statement, along with a very poignant piece of advice. The statement was: "Here is contained all that remains of the Dark Lord Voldemort, mind destroyed by a combination of forbidden Dark Arts and the introduction of happiness-inducing magical chemicals, body imprisoned in a body formed by his own broken mind."
And the advice served as a very appropriate moral of the story: "Remember: Never take candy from strangers, or from notorious pranksters. You never know what might happen."
Fred and George's happy juice had been banned in 93 countries within three days, three of which hadn't even been known to the British Ministry of Magic until they'd submitted sanctions against the chemical's import/export. Both boys had been treated for accidental magical addiction to a mind-altering magical drug, while Ginny, who had had the least exposure, had merely needed to go through Detox. Harry, who had had the second largest dose in history, had to be held in hospital for three months before the damage he'd done to his body could heal, even with magical help, and all of the chemical could be pulled from his system, and still for several years his Magical Core would spontaneously reproduce the stuff and send him into a bout of random tree-hugging, flower-picking-and-stuffing-into-random-peoples'-clothing rampage.
Harry shook as he stood nearby, light leather coat over his shoulders as he watched Bunnymort scrabble up the side of a pink rock, upside down, while trying to hump it. "Can we g-go please? I d-don't like it here..."
Ron nodded, "Yeah, let's go, before Ginny tries to climb in there again." And so they went, Bill physically restraining Ginny, who was shivering, eyes shooting to the uber-cute Bunnymort and wanting only to snuggle with it, again, while making pitiful little squeaking moans to this effect. She missed her Georgette!
Fred and George were not there. Three years after their entire stock of Happy Juice had been destroyed, they were still in intensive detox.
Ron shivered. He was glad none of that stuff had gotten on him!
I'm not sure what to say, now... I'm laughing rather hard, though. Heheheheheheh.
If you want to know what inspired this, I can safely say: Nothing, really. I just wanted to make a Harry Potter fic with as much random, crazy insanity as I could come up with in less than an hour, and decided to cram it all into Harry's skull at once.
This was the result. (grins) It rather reminds me of 'Purple!', actually. If you liked this, 'Purple!' would be a nice supplementary read. (grins again)
I apologize again, posthumously this time, for any brain damage this fic probably caused. Gomen ne!
(Giggles insanely, then cackles madly before calming down) E-GADS that was fun! I can't get the grin off my face! I should do this more often, worldly brain damage aside.
Oh, and in case anyone wants to know what Ginny had been doing for the rest of that time, she found a Garden Gnome in the hole that Ron had vacated, named it Georgette and snuggled with it for an hour before putting it in Pigwidgeon's cage to keep as a pet, disregarding the fact that it happened to be dressed in nothing but a few tattered ribbons.
And finally, suddenly having the desire to lick a purple tree is not normal and is a problem that needs to be analyzed by a trained professional right away! They may not be able to do anything for you, but you should go anyway, they might have sprinkles! (laughs)
Ta ta now!
Alex Ultra: From Normal To WTF?