5. Cooking from hell

Summary: Kurotsuchi Mayuri hides his face behind a mask. That mask also hides who he really is. One day, someone discovers who he really is, and they both find a new friend.

Pairing/s: None.

Warnings: People out of character, Mayuri, Kenpachi, Nemu and Akon the most noticeable… I hope. Mentions of blood and gore. Spoilers for the previous twelfth captains. Maybe some more, dunno.

Disclaimers: I don't own Bleach.


"You sure we aren't gonna wait for Nemu?"

"Of course not, I can do this on my own!" Mayuri insisted as he rolled up his sleeves.

"I'm not too sure if I wanna let you do this," Kenpachi said and looked around the kitchen.

"I'm a scientist; I'm used to put things together!"

"That's what I'm afraid for…"

Mayuri huffed as he walked over to the shelves. Kenpachi groaned as he sat down, not wanting to be there yet having no choice. Nemu was out shopping with Yachiru, Ikkaku and Yumichika and would not return on another half-hour. Considering how many experiments Mayuri could start in a half-hour, his record was thirty-seven, the giant was terrified.


Nemu looked up from the package she was reading and blinked. Yachiru looked up at her and said:

"What's wrong, Nemu-neechan?"

"I… have a bad feeling about this."

"About what?"

"Maybe I should have let Mayuri-sama go shopping."

"Mayu-chan will do somethin' weird or what?"

"I'm afraid he already has…"


"Mayuri, not that!"

"I know what I'm doing, Kenpachi-san, so let me go!"

"No, you don't have a fuckin' clue what the hell ya're doing!"

"I so do, so please let go of my sleeve! You will make me do a mistake!"

"Yes, the mistake of keepin' us both alive!"

"I am not risking your life, Kenpachi-san!"

"Doesn't matter, just drop it!"

Mayuri did drop the glass with the suspicious smoking liquid… right into the boiling water. It made an odd noise and both stopped to look at the pan.

"I don't think that was very good," the giant concluded.

"… Maybe not."


Nemu thought she heard an explosion. She stopped, tilted her to the side and strained to hear anything else. If she thought real hard, she could have sworn she had heard Kenpachi yell.

Feeling slightly anxious, she took Yachiru's hand and began walking faster back to the twelfth captain's quarters.


Mayuri blinked. And again. And again. And as fun, he blinked some more.

Kenpachi sat on the floor next to him, looking down at himself.

"Mayuri, what's this shit on us?" he asked.

The scientist looked down, considering this, and finally replied:

"It looks a bit like the intestines I accidently spilled on myself last week."

"This is not some experiment, you idiot, you're making food!" the giant exclaimed, waving his arms in the air.

"And cooking is not experimenting?" he asked, confused.

"No, it isn't!"


Yachiru and Nemu stood at the doorway, staring. Or at least Nemu was. The girl just stood there, hand in Nemu's, a finger against her lip in curiosity.

"Mayuri-sama," the woman said and Mayuri turned to him, puppy-eye look on his face. "What happened to the kitchen? And more importantly, to you and Kenpachi-sama?"

"I was just trying to make a meal," the scientist said and held up his hands. "The end results… were interesting."

"Very," Kenpachi growled and wiped away something green from his face, looking at it before shaking his head. "I'm tellin' ya, kitchens are off limits for ya from now on!"

"What?" Mayuri cried out. "It wasn't that bad, if I just practice for a bit--!"

"You don't think of cooking as experimenting, doesn't matter however ya put it, you aren't made to cook food!"

Mayuri looked down at his clothes again, scratched his head and said:

"Well… maybe you are right, Kenpachi-san."

"I was right all along," the giant complained. "And now I gotta shower and change clothing before we can eat!"

Nemu now held a hand over her mouth, trying to hide her smile while Yachiru bounced into the room.

"It's quite alright, Kenpachi-sama," she said and he looked at her. "It will take a bit of time to clean the kitchen, so both you and Mayuri-sama go change clothes. I think there are spare robes for you in the linen closet. Yachiru-chan, would you like to help me clean up?"

"Yay!" Yachiru said and jumped up and down.

Mayuri and Kenpachi looked at each other.

"Are you quite sure ya want to let her loose?" Kenpachi asked Nemu.

"I think I can handle her."

"I don't want to be in here when that girl gets free hands," Mayuri said and practically fled from the room, Kenpachi not far behind.

Nemu turned back to look at the state of the kitchen. She recognized quite a few of the tools as Mayuri's bottles and objects, and shook her head even as she smiled. Her father managed to create a disaster almost wherever he went, and the poor kitchen had not been excluded from that.


After a successful dinner, without goo all over the place, Mayuri stretched, falling backwards onto the floor and releasing a pleased sigh.

"I take it ya liked it?" Kenpachi said with a grin even as Yachiru began to climb on him.

"Well, I think if I had been given enough time I could have managed…"

"We're not walkin' down that lane," the giant said. "You are forbidden from enterin' the kitchen again, ya hear?"

"It wasn't that bad!" Mayuri whined and turned to his stomach, Nemu smiling at him as she got up to clear away the dishes.

"Wasn't so bad? Wasn't so bad?? You made three pots explode and when you tried to cook noodles it looked like someone's nerves had suddenly jumped out their bodies and joined the floor!"

"No, it didn't look like that!"

"Yes it did!"


"Plus all that goo! How did you managed to do that?!"

"I don't know!"

The argument followed the woman as she walked into the kitchen, and her smile stayed on the whole time.

Mayuri was a good scientist. He knew people's bodies' inside-out, he could make almost whatever he wanted… but put him a kitchen, and you got the cooking from hell.


Really late with this one, and since my inspiration has totally gone lost on these one-shots (I still like Mayuri and Kenpachi as friends, I just don't have the energy to write about them atm) this will be the last one. I hope you've enjoyed this short series of those two, as I have done (I'm telling you, you can't find what you want to read you just simply have to write it yourself).

Until another time,