Title: My Blunder
Pairing: J.D./Dr Cox. Coxian!
Warnings: Insinuated Child Abuse (past), major slash (this means male on male loving people) and very minor violence.
Disclaimer: Not mine. Poems are.
Summery: Dr. Cox is famous for his rants. But when he takes his anger too far, can he repair the damage he inflicts? Especially when the one he hurts turns out to be the one that matters most?
Authors Note: Darn Scrubs muse. I've been into Scrubs fanfiction not even a month and already this is my second story. Both short shots but, considering I haven't been at this long, that's hardly surprising. Anyway, this is for all the people that enjoyed "My Past, My Future" and wanted more.
My tongue is tied
My heart is still
I can't find the strength
Or a shred of will
Your lips are silent
My fingers clench
Your hurt as loud
As an army trench
I know what you want
I know it's your right
I know it's my fault
I started this fight
But my throat is frozen
My nerves are birds
I know what to say
But I can't find the words.
It wasn't intentional.
Most of the time, Perry got more than a little carried away. He specialised in rants, after all. They were something he took great pride in delivering. So it was hardly unheard of for him to loose himself in his rants –to the point where he wasn't quite certain where his tongue would lead him. It wasn't like it really mattered. His favourite rant target was J.D. and as long as he threw in some appropriate girl names, he was set. He could say anything he wanted. Odds are the words would only inspire one of those insipid daydreams anyway. And J.D. never fought back.
Until, of course, he did.
It hadn't been anything major, in retrospect. Perry had been having the mother of all bad days and Jordan, who'd dropped Jack off at the hospital with nary a by-your-leave, hadn't helped matters. Not only had he been nearly overloaded with work, he'd been expected to keep an eye on his son at the same time. He'd only looked away for a moment. And then Jack was gone.
He hadn't been too shocked. Jack was known to wander and, around the hospital he was fairly well known. The chances were good he'd end up in friendly hands. Still, it meant that Perry was forced to drop everything in order to look for the sod and when he finally found him, clinging to J.D.'s hand and sucking a lollipop, he'd directed his frustration towards J.D. who, after all, could have bloody well told him he'd found Jack in the first place.
"I don't care what sort of inane attraction you may or not feel towards small children, you'll bloody well keep your girlish hands off my son and not offer him lollipops to lour him away from the crowded safety of the hospital. Next time I'll thank you to give him the hell back and spare me from having to search every damn inch of the hospital!"
But for once J.D. hadn't shook his head or rolled his eyes or said something puzzling and inane. He hadn't done anything at all. He'd simply ruffled Jack's hair, whispered something to the boy and walked off without a word.
Perry was immediately suspicious.
J.D. was never quiet. Never dismissive. He poked and he prodded and he spoke until you wanted to rip his tongue out and beat him to death with it.
"You right?" he asked his son absently knowing, but not wanting to admit, that J.D. would never harm a hair on Jack's head.
Jack merely looked at him and held up the lollipop for inspection, as though the question was made redundant by said treat. How could the world be anything other than fine? He had a lollipop.
Jordan came by an hour of so later to take Jack home and Perry considered the matter closed. Only it wasn't. Infuriatingly, his lapdog seemed to be avoiding him. Which was perplexing in its own right. Because Sheryl was many things, but sneaky wasn't one of them.
"I've a message for you," Carla informed him, looking curious. Perry raised a brow and, shrugging, Carla delivered it, "It's from JD: he wants me to let you know that he's not talking to you. Personally, I think letting you know that defies the purpose of the silent treatment but that's J.D. for you. So what'd you do?"
"What makes you think I did anything?" Perry snapped, immediately on the defensive.
"This is J.D. we're talking about," Carla pointed out, "He worships you. He can barely go five minutes without telling you something. And now he's giving you the silent treatment? You must have done something. If you hurt him…"
She let the threat hang and, making an inarticulate noise, Perry stormed off. He wasn't sure how to feel exactly. Should he be happy that Sandy was apparently not talking to him (lets face it, something he'd been dreaming about for years) or annoyed that he was being avoided?
He decided to go with the former. This was chatty-Kathy he was talking about. He'd bet his first born that the fool couldn't last a day without running to him about some meaningless thing or another.
By the days end, he was feeling a little less confident.
He assured himself it meant nothing. It was simply coincidence. He hadn't seen J.D. all day after all. So perhaps his newbie hadn't been avoiding him –perhaps they simply hadn't crossed paths. It was a big hospital after all. A person could get lost in it. He was sure Jenny would be her annoying perky self tomorrow so, if nothing else, he should enjoy his few moments of peace.
That night he didn't sleep a wink.
It wasn't that he cared, he assured himself the next day. It was simply that he was out of his comfort zone. There were three constants in his life, after all: he loved his son, he hated his devil ex-wife, and newbie lived to annoy him. Having one of those statements put into question threw his whole world into chaos. Which was annoying as hell.
At the hospital he made it a point to track down J.D., which considering he was chatting to Carla, wasn't nearly as difficult as Perry had thought it might be. Taking a breath he let out a shrill whistle. It was a balm on his tired soul to see it could still make newbie jump a mile out of his skin. The pattern was then broken, however, for instead of running eagerly to his side and asking what he wanted, J.D. merely turned a raised a brow.
"Patient in room 345 refusing surgery. Take your pretty long lashes in there and convince her that scars will enhance her girlish figure. You can regale her with the awe inspiring tale entitled 'When I Got My Appendix Removed' and suggest starting a club for scarred patients involving braided hair and gossiping over who has the cutest boytoy there ever was."
It wasn't up to par with his usual rants, perhaps, but considering he was operating on zero sleep, Perry didn't think it half bad. J.D., however, simply nodded, took the chart from his hands, and walked off sedately without so much as a daydream imagining said club. As though nothing was wrong.
And damn if that didn't annoy him.
"What on earth did you do?" Carla demanded, clearly bursting with curiosity and fire, "Bambi didn't give me an inch!"
"I've done worse," Perry put in, not sure if he was defending himself or pleading guilty, "Got me why she's in such a state. Perhaps she's PMSing?"
Carla scowled and cocked a hand on her hip, her expression somehow both fierce and a firm reminder that she was a woman and he'd better watch it least she be beat him into a pulp. Normally, Perry would scoff at even the suggestion but Carla… was surprisingly strong.
Perry did the wise thing and retreated.
The rest of the day was spent doing what Perry fondly called Newbie Baiting. He dragged up every insult, every girls name, every derogatory comment and compiled them into some very A-grade rants. And the less J.D. responded the more annoyed Perry got.
"For goodness sake Susan!" Perry cried at last, thoroughly sick to death of it, "Would you grow the hell up and act like an adult? We're not five year old's here. And here's a newsflash but you might find it difficult to work with me when you won't so much as talk! In case you haven't noticed, this is a hospital! That means patients, which means treatment, which means doctor collaboration, which definitely requires the capacity of speech! Hand signs at the least!"
For the first time in what felt like days, Perry actually saw an emotion overtake J.D.'s forcibly stoic face. Before he could interpret it, however, J.D. was turning his face away and hiding the expression from view. Frustratingly, Perry felt his heart still.
"Was there something you wanted, Dr. Cox?"
Normally, Perry would have revelled in the sense of victory. But not now. Because something was wrong. J.D.'s voice was bleak, empty, emotionless. Utterly clinical.
Perry had preferred the silence.
You don't know what you've got till it's gone
"Admit it," Carla taunted him later, "You miss him. You might complain about him till your blue in the face but when it comes right down to it you're actually rather fond of him."
"What a horrible thing to even suggest! Fond of Catherine? The day I become fond of newbie is the day Jordan does something selfless. Ne-ever gonna happen. No way no how."
Perry was as determined to make that true as he was to crack J.D.'s mask. He spent the rest of the day snapping, snarling and ranting about patients. Waiting to trigger a daydream or a reactionary snap. But those summers spent at theatre camp had apparently paid off, because J.D. didn't so much as twitch and responded to all Perry's rants with calm, measured tones. If it continued much longer, Perry was going to hit him.
And so he spent another night sleeplessly turning in his bed.
Sometimes you put up walls not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.
The next day, Perry was tired, cranky and looking to kill.
He made four residents cry, pissed off Carla and had two of his patients requested other doctors. And all before lunch time.
Which was where, quite colourfully, he'd snapped.
It wasn't because of the lack of emotion on J.D.'s face. It was exactly the opposite. He'd walked into the cafeteria and had seen newbie, sitting with his black wife, laughing carelessly over something or other. Looking for all the world as happy and joyful as any other day. Looking as though he'd had absolutely no problems sleeping. Looking refreshed, rejuvenated and utterly untroubled.
Perry felt his blood boil.
He'd stormed over there and J.D., seeing him coming, had turned to him with an expression of polite curiosity on his face.
"Would you mind overly telling me what the heck I supposedly did?!"
J.D. started rather satisfyingly and actually looked angry. Angry would work. Angry was better than nothing.
"Go to hell."
And he walked away.
Perry let out an articulate scream.
"Dude," Turk marvelled, eyes wide, "What'd you do?"
"I don't know!" Perry snapped, "I knew Belinda was a bloody drama queen but, dear god, is she pregnant? Because at least that would explain all the emotions she's throwing about! Your married to her, tell me what the fuck is going on!"
"Whoa," Turk managed, eyes wide, "I don't know anything. Why don't you talk me through it?"
Perry slumped into a seat, feeling all his excess energy drain out of him. He glared at Turk sullenly.
"Think back then," Turk prompted, "When did he start acting oddly around you?"
Perry groaned tiredly and thought.
"When I found him with Jack," He admitted at last, annoyed with himself. Having this conversation meant that he cared. And yet, he still wanted to know what'd happened. Which meant that, god forbid, he actually did care. Which was a hell of a thing to find out right now.
"Alight," Turk said slowly, "You found him with Jack. What did you say?"
Perry instinctively shot him an annoyed glare and, holding his hands up in a gesture of surrender, Turk explained himself.
"Dude, you must have said something. You always do."
Perry could hardly argue with that.
"I mocked him, naturally. I'd spent hours looking for Jack and newbie was giving him lollipops."
"I need you to be more precise than that," Turk observed, frowning, "You always rant at JD. You must have said something in particular."
Perry struggled to remember back that far. He was annoyed, sleep deprived and apparently actually cared for his annoying would-be protégé. It wasn't a state conductive to practicing memory skills.
"I said something about him liking little boys, ordered him never to touch my son again, and yelled at him for making me search the whole god-damn hospital."
"Wait," Turk blurted, holding up a hand, "You called him a child molester?"
"Not in those exact words," Perry replied grudgingly, "I was annoyed, alright? I rant when I'm annoyed. Talia knows this."
"Yeah, but you've never called him a pedophile!" Turk cried, starting to look annoyed, "That's a low blow, even for you. Man, no wonder my v-bear's been so out of sorts!"
"I've called him worse," Perry argued, refusing to admit the jerk might be right.
"Dude," Turk began, furiously, "I'm only going to say this once. So you listen and you listen good. And if you ever tell anyone what I'm about to tell you, I'll hunt you down and cut you up. Or sick Carla on you. Got it?"
"I assure you that I'm terrified."
"If you're going to be a bastard about it, you can go to hell," Turk snapped, starting to stand. Perry lashed a hand out and pulled him back down.
"Fine. I promise. Do you want me to pinkie swear or will crossing my heart and hoping to die be sufficient?"
Turk still didn't look convinced and, annoyed with himself, Perry sighed.
"I swear," he tried, "Now come on. Your killing me here."
"Fine," Turk amended, leaning close and looking around carefully. Perry held back a snort. "Here it is. J.D. had an uncle."
Perry parted his lips, a sarcastic comment on the edge of his tongue, but the look on Turk's face made him think better of it.
"He never sees him," Turk continued, "And part of that reason is because the man's in jail. But the majority of the reason is why he's there."
Despite himself, Perry was curious. J.D. harped on about his family constantly. But he'd never mentioned a jailbird uncle.
"He's stuck there doing life," Turk continued, "For child molestation."
"His uncle's a pedophile?" he managed at last, frowning, "I assume that's why he was so upset?"
Turk looked at him closely then frowned.
"Dude I… I don't think your quite getting what I'm trying to say here," Turk sighed at last, "That's only part of the problem. Look, I'm not good with things like this so I'll be blunt. J.D.'s uncle was a sick, perverted fuck who should rot in jail for what he did. What he did to J.D."
And, all at once, the world ground to a halt.
His voice was dangerous enough that Turk shifted, looking uncomfortable.
"That's why he was so upset," Turk concluded, edging his seat back subtly, "You probably brought a whole range of memories to his door. Memories he hasn't had to face for years. Proud?"
Perry snarled and got to his feet so abruptly that his chair clattered to the ground. He attracted quite a few curious looks but word had spread of his mood by then and so a single look had them turning away sharply. And, nearly at a run, Perry left the room. Hardly thinking straight, he took out his pager and, through his rage, managed a semi-coherent message:
He stormed towards the roof determinedly, people parting like the red sea before him. The roof door shot upon furiously under his hand and shut just as violently. Feeling more furious than he had for a long time, he began to pace. The sound of the door opening, when it finally came, was latched upon at once and before J.D. could blink he found himself pinned against the wall by a very angry doctor.
So many words were on his tongue, Perry felt he'd explode with them. He wanted to yell at J.D. for not smacking him silly. He wanted to inquire exactly which prison his uncle was confined in so he could kill the bastard. He wanted to double check every inch of J.D.'s skin for marks and burn them into his memory.
"Dr. Cox?" J.D. prompted, his eyes wide and his complexion pale. There was no empty façade now but, then again, he'd never seen his attending so purely furious.
There were so many things Perry wanted to do, so he did the only thing he felt he could do.
He kissed him.
J.D gasped, his whole body jerking with shock against him before settling down. Perry used the gasp to gain entry past his lips and determinedly mapped the interior. J.D's hands clutched his shoulders tightly, neither drawing him close nor pushing him away. Taking that as permission, Perry slithered a hand around J.D.'s waist and tugged him closer.
They were both hard.
The evidence of their arousal served to pull J.D. out of his stupor and, finally, he pulled his mouth away from Perry's and stared at him. Perry licked his lips at the picture J.D. made: eyes dilated, hair messed, lips swollen pink.
"Turk told you."
Perry snapped himself out of it and tightened his hold on newbie's hips.
"You should have punched me."
"I came close," J.D. admitted, smiling wryly, "But I couldn't in front of Jack. And then it was just easier to ignore you."
"You did a hell of a job of it," Perry conceded, "Drove me crazy."
"I can be quiet if I need to," J.D. bragged smugly.
"You don't right now," Perry reminded him slyly, "By all means, be as loud as you like."
He thrust against J.D. pointedly and felt quite pleased with himself when the kid moaned.
"Just to forewarn you," Perry began, slipping a hand down to grab J.D.'s ass, "I plan to rip off every article of clothing you have on and fuck your admittedly small brains out. Complaints?"
"None," J.D. managed, gasping like the girl he was, "But why?"
"I was driven half mad by your anger," Perry snarled, "But that was nothing, nothing, compared to the madness I felt when I imagine you this last week. Unable to escape your past because of something I said. Damn it if I don't care about you Carrabelle."
"Diddo," J.D. breathed, hastening to rip off Perry's shirt. "But–"
"There's nothing left to say," Perry sniped, peeling J.D.'s own shirt away, "Now I'm going to examine ever millimetre of flesh you possess before I fuck all those horrid memories from your head."
"Damn it, Lin," Perry snarled, pulling J.D.'s pants down and off, "I need you to be mine right now. I need to mark every piece of you. To claim you. I need you to beg egg me on and scream my name as loud as your delicate little voice can stand it. I need to know you won't break."
"What?!" Perry demanded, pulling back. Rather than looking uncertain, J.D. looked a little worried.
"The roof? What if someone sees us?"
"So much the better," Perry smirked, allowing J.D. to peel his own pants away, "Besides, by the time I'm through, you won't care about where the hell we are."
Perry bit down on J.D.'s neck and the younger man gasped.
"I'm getting there," he assured him, arching up.
"Why the heck didn't I think to bring lubricant?" Perry asked himself, frustrated as he lowered J.D. onto the floor.
"I think I'd be a little concerned if you had," J.D. observed, managing to kick his shoes away. Perry followed suit.
J.D. clamped his lips around the fingers and moistened them for all he was worth, wanting to make this as easy as possible. He hadn't done this in a while after all. Perry, managing to slip off both their socks, watched him through lowered lids.
Feeling mischievous, J.D. bit down gently and rolled his tongue around the fingers. Perry gasped and removed them, replacing them with his tongue. J.D. kissed back fiercely but broke away when the first finger entered him.
Lemon Ahead! Skip down to avoid it! You've been warned!
"Relax," Perry coaxed, forcibly ignoring his own rather pressing problem.
"Easy for you to say," J.D. pointed out, mewling, "You don't have a finger up your –oh god. Dr. Cox!"
"You may call me Perry when we're fucking," Perry allowed graciously, slipping in another finger.
"Perry," J.D. agreed, frenzied, "Perry, Perry, Perry. Oh fuck, please."
"Knew I'd get you begging," Perry growled, adding a third finger, "God, you should see yourself right now. Fucking beautiful."
J.D. let out an inarticulate cry, struggling to bring Perry closer. He couldn't get close enough.
"God yes," J.D. breathed, tangling his hands through Perry's hair and pulling gently, "Please."
"Remember," Perry warned, lining himself up, "Breathe."
He began to press in and J.D. let out a cry, instinctively clamping down.
"Relax," Perry ordered through clenched teeth, "And breathe."
"Perry," J.D. whimpered, struggling to do as he was told.
"Your alright," Perry whispered, gently, "Look at me JD. I'll stop if you want me to. Just say the word."
"You called me J.D." J.D. marvelled, eyes wide.
"Don't get used to it Yvette," Perry snarked, fully sheathed, "You ok?"
"Yeah," J.D. managed, his nails all but breaking the skin on Perry's back, "Just give me a sec."
Perry waited, struggling every moment to control himself.
Perry didn't need to be told twice. He retreated and, carefully, thrust himself back in. J.D. gasped, still part in pain and, frowning with concentration, Perry tried another angle. He got another gasp but nothing else and, a little annoyed now, he tried again.
"Perry!" J.D. cried breathlessly and Perry grinned. There.
"Oh god," J.D. panted as Perry began to thrust in earnest, his head thrown back and throat exposed.
J.D. laughed between his harsh breathing.
"Arrogant," he chocked out, "bastard."
"Your point?" Perry demanded, thrusting in particularly hard.
"Jesus –none. None at all. Please continue."
Perry smirked, bending to catch J.D.'s lips in a kiss. J.D. wrapped his legs around Perry's waist and suddenly it was Perry's turn to gasp at the deeper angle.
He lost himself there for a while. Thrusting into that tight heat, running his fingers up and down the length of that body, gazing into glazed blue eyes.
"Oh please, Perry," J.D. whimpered, arching up and close, so close. "Please."
Perry groaned, wrapping a hand around J.D.'s length and starting to stroke. J.D. cried out sharply, his legs tightening around his waist, his eyes slipping closed. He looked ethereal underneath him and the fact they were doing this in the middle of the day, on the roof of all places, only added to the forbidden lour.
"Faster," J.D. begged but Perry would not be rushed. He kept his strokes firm, long and deliciously slow. It was tempting to hold J.D. there for hours, until nightfall even, but he was too close himself to manage it. And they couldn't be guaranteed the roof for that much longer anyway.
"Come on, J.D.," Perry encouraged, his voice pure sin, "Come on."
J.D. cried out and came abruptly. Perry, feeling that heat clamp down around him, managed three more thrusts before he followed suit, leaving them both damp with sweat and panting from exertion.
You can look now.
"I should ignore you more often," J.D. remarked, voice strangled.
"Don't even dare," Perry warned, just as breathless.
"That was one heck of an apology."
"I'm glad you think so."
"Am I suitably marked?"
Perry examined the many marks covering J.D.'s skin and grinned wolfishly.
"Very much so," he agreed with satisfaction.
J.D. smiled back and, tentatively, drew him into another kiss. Perry used the stimulation to distract J.D. as he pulled out but J.D. still hissed slightly.
"Totally worth it," J.D. assured, his smile so bright it was blinding.
"I get that a lot," Perry said smarmily, buffing his knuckles lightly and reaching for his clothes.
"Ass," J.D. scoffed, gathering his own clothes and eying the roof door nervously.
"Always," Perry agreed, unrepentant.
"What happens now?" J.D. asked, hesitantly, biting his lip as he dressed himself.
"Newsflash for you Belle," Perry began, abandoning his own clothes to tug J.D. flush against him, "I. Don't. Share."
"Nice to know," J.D. admitted breathlessly, "But doesn't answer the question."
"Your mine now," Perry explained, as though it were really quite simple, "Now that I have you, I won't let you go. Because?"
"You don't share?" J.D. guessed.
"Points for you," Perry praised.
"Does this mean we're dating?"
"Jesus, Lily, your such a girl."
"Yes," J.D. had to concede, "But apparently I'm your girl."
"Damn right." Perry agreed possessively. "Don't forget it."
"Noted," J.D. replied happily.
"And for the record?" Perry began, gritting his teeth, "I am sorry. Don't make me say it again."
"Its alright," J.D. forgave him at once, "You didn't know. I think I can forgive you this once."
"Fair enough," Perry grinned, stepping away from J.D. so he could resume getting dressed. Sending another anxious look towards the door, J.D. followed suit.
"I'll want to hear the whole story later," Perry told him mildly once they were both dressed. J.D. hesitated a moment, surprised, but nodded, his eyes softening as he took in Perry's expression.
"If you promise not to kill anyone."
"I'll try," he promised, grudgingly, "But I might need to pound you into a mattress directly afterwards."
"A mattress would be nice," J.D. sighed dreamily, stretching and wincing.
"Come on then Delilah," Perry smirked, clutching his hip to pull him closer, "As I understand it, part of the perks of having a gal on your arm is showing her off. Also, I'm likely to be rather protective of you for the next twenty-four hours or so. So watch yourself."
J.D., who would have pegged Perry for the 'Lets-Keep-This-Secret' type, beamed at him and leaned into his embrace.
"You don't mind everyone knowing?" he double-checked.
"Heck no," Perry snorted, "Lets go see how many interns we can shock to death. Betcha Nervous Guy goes first."
J.D. grinned and got ready to shock Sacred Heart to its very foundations.
Poor Doug. He probably would die of shock.
Authors Note: I'm such a sap for sappy endings! This ending makes me imagine Doug clutching his heart and keeling over, the poor thing. Anyways, I mostly wrote this from Dr. Cox's perspective which, it turns out is hard. So let me know how you think I did. Or any notes about the story in general. Also notes about the lemon would be appreciated. This is only the second one I've written so it might not be fantastic. Regardless, I hope you all enjoyed it. Have a nice weekend and, as always, read and review!