By: 1000th Ghost
(This story is dedicated to Charlie for an absolutely horrible reason that hopefully he'll never know. Oh, well, at least I got a story out of the traumatizing experience.)
"You've still got your intelligence; you're still a man with a soul."
-Helene (The Fly)
"Yes!, B.O.B.." Yes. At last. After fifty torturously long years, yes. "We are in the presence of the rare female monster."
His eyes rolled upward slightly as he savored the thought. He was actually in the presence of this gorgeous creature. A truly astonishing miracle…even if, only moments before, she had been beating him senseless with a spoon.
"No, way! It's a boy," B.O.B. persisted. He lowered his voice and pointed to the confused giantess. "Look at its boobies."
Link did not look. B.O.B. did not understand what he was looking at.
Oh, but he looked. He turned fully around and openly stared at the beautiful sight that he had been deprived of for so long.
Then he quickly turned back around and realized that he was not making a very good first impression.
Susan watched in disgust as Link and B.O.B. engorged themselves on the remains of what was once Escargantua.
"Repulsive," someone muttered under their breath.
She turned around to find Dr. Cockroach watching the scene in front of her with her same reaction.
She sighed and continued to face him, if for no other reason than to block the "feasting" from her line of vision.
"So much for Paris."
It was said more to herself than to him, but, when one was a giant, even the smallest utterance somehow seemed to reach the ears of everyone around.
He wasn't entirely sure whether or not he should interfere, but the thought of his Susan being in any way upset was enough to spur him into action. He quickly scuttled up her side (wondering how it was that feeling her curves underneath his hands was such a sensual experience for him, whereas she thought of it as nothing more than a bug innocently crawling on her) and settled onto her shoulder.
"'Paris'?" he questioned, pushing a strand of her snow-white hair aside so he could better see her face.
She sighed. "Oh, you know, I mean…well, it's nothing big, but-" She paused. "-I always thought my first time to Paris I would…"
She trailed off, her cheeks suddenly beet red.
"Be with Derek?" Dr. Cockroach guessed, inwardly cringing at even mentioning the self-absorbed man's name.
"No, not necessarily," she said slowly. "Just…'be with'…someone…for the first time…"
She glanced at him quickly, but he still appeared confused, so she looked away again.
"I-I'm afraid you'll have to elaborate a bit, my dear," he said, absentmindedly running a strand of her hair through his fingers, "I'm not entirely sure what you're getting at."
"Just that…I mean, I was just thinking…oh, my gosh, I can't believe I'm even talking about this!"
"Hey, Link, did you try the eyes?" B.O.B.'s voice could be heard from behind them, "They're fantastic!"
Susan groaned and stood up.
"I certainly can't talk with that massacre going on," she muttered, starting off in a random direction.
Dr. Cockroach looked around.
"You know, I believe we're fairly close to my old summer residence."
Susan's eyes widened. "You used to live in Paris?"
"Only in the summer. The rest of my time I divided between England and Tahiti." He looked at her shocked expression and chuckled. "Don't look so surprised, my dear. The services of a mad scientist are actually needed more often than you would think. I had to do something with my affluence…I thought I might as well conduct my experiments in beautiful locations."
"I can't believe it!" she exclaimed, beaming with excitement. "A home in Paris? Can I see it?"
"Of course, my dear." He smiled, relishing in the fact that he was impressing her. "It's been fifty or so years, so it may be a bit run down-"
"Oh, I won't mind," she said, waving her hand dismissively. "Just…" She sighed happily. "A house in Paris."
He raised an eyebrow questioningly. "Yes, you were telling me about Paris. Oh, take a left here."
She did and then stammered and then looked at him and then stammered some more.
"T-this is just…really weird to talk about, okay?"
He nodded understandingly and waited.
"Paris is supposed to be the most romantic city in the world, and…well…I always thought that…I always told myself that…" She paused dejectedly. "But now I'm almost fifty feet tall, so…"
There was absolutely no easy way to say this.
"You'll never find love?" he guessed again.
"Kind of but more than that. It just hit me awhile ago…promise you won't laugh?"
"Of course, my – oh, another left – my dear."
She took a deep breath and kept her eyes staring firmly at anything but him.
"I'mgoingtobeavirginforever," she spat out in one rambled phrase.
"Wait, what?" he asked, not having the slightest idea what she had just said. "You're going…to be a…" His eyes widened as he finally comprehended her outburst. "Oh."
She shrugged. "Yeah. I-I mean, not that it's a big deal or anything, and I know that you probably think I'm silly for caring-"
"My dear," he said seriously, "it is not at all a foolish wish. I-in fact, I know very much how you must feel. Link, B.O.B., and I have been locked in that prison for over fifty years with no female companionship. Link and B.O.B. did not mind very much, I don't think. But you and I – take a right after that oak tree – you and I are different. We are 'monsters' in physicality only…inside, we are still human. And humans need intimacy a-and…passion; it's in our nature. No, I do not think it is a 'silly' concern."
Susan smiled. "Fifty years. Must've been hard, huh, Doc?"
He smiled back. "Agonizing."
"Well, at least you're free now. You can find someone. But me-"
"As much as I admirer your optimistic 'Beauty and the Beast' outlook, my dear…I highly doubt there is anyone in the world who would fall for a cockroach."
"Hmm. And unless I find someone who's also been hit by a Quantonium filled meteor…"
She trailed off, and they simply traveled in silence for a few moments, each wallowing in pity for each other and for themselves.
"Or…" Dr. Cockroach finally spoke, "unless you could figure out a way to somehow control your size."
Susan blinked. "But how could I figure out that?"
He laughed (only slightly maniacally) and told her they had arrived. "When I said 'you', I really meant 'me'."
"Oh, good," she said, breathing a sigh of relief. She stopped and stared at the impressive mansion in front of her. "Do…do you really think you could?"
"My dear," he said, smiling wickedly, "you have no idea what I'm capable of."
"Um…this won't hurt…will it?" Susan asked uncertainly.
She was in the expansive laboratory of Dr. Cockroach's expansive summer home, somehow feeling small even with her massive stature.
"No, no, of course not," he mumbled absentmindedly, busily adjusting the multiple wires he had attached to her head. A ladder perched precariously against her forehead held him up to her height.
A few more minutes of tinkering, and he proclaimed himself finished.
"Alright," she said, unable to keep the excitement out of her voice, "shrink me."
He reached into his lab coat pocket, pulled out a remote covered with a multitude of buttons and switches, and pushed a bright red button.
Instantly, there was a strange whirring sound, and Susan felt as if she were being literally drained. It was depleting but somehow a relief.
She barely heard the frantic exclamation of Dr. Cockroach as he realized that his ladder's support was quickly decreasing in height, and he was still at the very top of it. He attempted to scramble down as she shrunk, and the ladder fell, but they both knew that it could only end badly.
The ladder landed with an alarming crash somewhere to the side as Susan fell backwards, pushed down by the displaced scientist.
A few seconds passed before they attempted to move.
"Oww…" Susan moaned, raising her throbbing head somewhat. Her eyes came to focus on his right hand which was, through no fault of his own, gently resting on her left breast.
Somehow, the placement of his hand did not surprise her as much as the fact that it was a hand. She knew, of course, that he only had the head of a cockroach, but for some reason (possibly only because he had always seemed so small compared to her that specific details were hard to notice) she had always considered him "a genius insect" rather than "a genius man…who happened to have an insect's head". But there was the visible proof: not a monstrous claw but a man's distinctly human hand placed on her-
And then the shock did set in, and her eyes leapt to his, partially for help and partially to witness his reaction.
He appeared as fazed as she did, his eyes moving rapidly to his hand, her eyes, his hand, and back again, unsure and slightly fearful.
Then suddenly, his eyes narrowed, and his lips spread into a lecherous grin, and he pressed down into her innocent flesh.
Her head fell back ever so slightly, and he could feel her heart beating much faster than was normal, but she did not rebuke him.
He squeezed more firmly, and still she did not cast him away.
"Susan…" he whispered, his voice soft and low, his breath hot against her lips as he came towards her.
"No," she commanded, and his face fell, the pain of rejection settling over his heart.
How could he have been so stupid, thinking that this amazing jewel would ever want him…a monster?
"No," she said again, "don't call me 'Susan'. Everyone calls me 'Susan'. You call me 'my dear'."
"Oh, my dear," he breathed, drawing near her again, ecstasy written on his features.
He was quite used to shocks. Wires and machines and chemicals…unexpected shocks were simply in the "mad scientist" job description. But nothing could have felt as electric as her lips coming up to meet his.
And all of a sudden, fifty years seemed a bit too long, and a broken engagement seemed a bit too much to bear, and they both were absolutely fed up with waiting and wanting.
He felt her smile, and she opened her mouth against his to mumble her favorite word, the only word fitting for such an occasion, 'amazing'. He seized his chance and plunged his tongue into the sweet, wet darkness that had tempted him for so long. She lowered her head to the laboratory floor and flung her arms around his neck, and he knew that finally, finally, he had her.
His left, non-preoccupied hand tangled itself in her silky, white locks, and he marveled at the fact that the hand that touched her was not that of a monster but that of a human.