This fic deals with some mature issues, specifically self injury. This story is not meant to glorify it and may have possible *triggers* involved, so if you are dealing with SI, this may not be the best story for you to read.

This kinda' has some OOC action going on (obviously). Rated 'M' for mature themes and situations.

WARNING: Dark, moody, angsty content ahead…

This began as a oneshot, but I think I'll make it a few chapters long. We'll see.

I don't own the characters from Vampire Knight. Matsuri Hino DOES.

Song lyrics to "Strawberry Gashes" ©Jack Off Jill.


Her heart. She felt it, pounding in her ears as she gazed into the bathroom mirror, unsettled by what she saw. Her own body seemed that of a waif, her face gaunt and skin incredibly pale. With a delicate finger, she traced the dark circles under her eyes, sighing mightily as she bowed her head. What had she become?

It had been only days since she had discovered Zero's dark secret, since he had sated his hunger on the very life that flowed through her veins. He was a vampire, and the discovery had nearly torn her apart. The Zero she'd always known now relied on her, though unwillingly, to provide him with the very thing that was threatening to be their undoing. Blood. The very sight of it was enough to make her stomach clench. Her cinnamon eyes closed upon recalling the feeling of his lips touching her neck, of his fangs as they sank deeply into her flesh. The pain, the dull ache, had grown to something far more treacherous…something that she could swear she almost longed for.

But this revelation had taken its toll on Yuuki, her formerly joyful disposition becoming more dire in the days since their exchange. He'd been avoiding her like the plague, an act that had only hurt her more deeply. All she wanted was to stay by his side, to assure herself that he was safe, that he wouldn't do anything foolish in her absence. She knew how his demons plagued him, how everyday life could be an absolute misery for him. And now this. It was too much, she thought, for him to bear alone. She was determined to keep him protected, to assure that he had a reason left to smile, no matter the cost.

Her own mind was trampling her, thoughts racing through her mind faster than she could comprehend them. What would she do now? Zero had been her confidant, her strength in the darkness for all the years he'd lived at the academy. She felt so numb, as if she were suspended in some nightmare that she had yet to wake from. She hated that all she had to offer was her blood. Her words, she knew, could never be enough to help ease his soul.

Fear lurked in the shadows of her mind, threatening to overtake her. A vampire.

"He's a vampire," she said aloud, her voice sounding completely foreign to her. She wondered how long it would actually take for it to truly register. She feared what the world would think, should anyone discover what had taken place between them. Surely they wouldn't understand. Their sin had becomeher ultimate burden, though it was one she knew she would be forced to bear…for his sake. She touched her neck, only faint traces of his marks left behind. Fingering the tiny, pale pink fang marks, she sighed, closing her eyes tightly.

The emptiness was growing inside her, the girl lost in the sea of confusion swirling about her. She felt as though she were drowning, sinking further into the abyss as the moments ticked by. Was this what it was like, she wondered, to go mad?

She suddenly felt a wicked sense of self loathing, her fists clenching at her sides. If only she were stronger. Her weakness could no longer be overlooked. How was she supposed to be there for him when she couldn't even control her own thoughts? But she knew that she wasn't strong…had never been. Since she could remember, others had always kept her sound, had protected her from the darkness of the world. And now, the one she was closest to had been taken over by it, leaving her positively rocked by it, unsure of everything she'd ever known.

"Turn her over
A candle is lit, I see through her
Blow it out and save all her ashes for me"

"Why?" she whispered, digging her fingernails into the flesh of her thigh, eyes closing at the small relief it brought. The slight discomfort was enough to make her feel, to help calm her raging mind, if only for a time.

"Curse me, sold her
The poison that runs its course through her
Pale white skin with strawberry gashes all over all over"

Looking down, she noticed that she'd drawn blood, the red droplets oozing to the surface of her milky skin. Her thoughts soon echoed once more through her mind, nagging at her, tearing away at her. It wasn't enough. Nothing she could do, she realized, would ever be enough. Not now.

"Watch me fault her
You're living like a disaster
She said kill me faster
with strawberry gashes all over"

She found herself rummaging through the cabinet, her hand drawing out a new razor. She stared at it for a moment, unsure of exactly what she was doing. Thoughts still racing, Yuuki seemed to move under the influence of someone else entirely, taking a wash cloth in her hand. She snapped the metal cover from the razor, exposing the three unused blades nestled inside. Tapping them on the sink, they fell, lying harmlessly on the cold porcelain.

"Called her over
and asked her if she was improving
She said "feels fine" it's wonderful wonderful here"

She wrapped the plastic handle and the cover in a tissue, disposing of it in the trash can before turning her attention to the three blades. Cautiously, she took on in her fingers, holding it up. With a deep breath, she drug the blade across her upper arm, blood immediately shooting to the surface of the wound. She made another cut, this one longer, deeper, her mind going blank as she punished herself for her weakness. The pain mixed with relief, something she hadn't felt since she's found out about Zero's affliction. She felt the wetness on her skin, raking the blade across her arm, blood flowing down past her elbow.

"Hex me told her
I dreamt of a devil that knew her
Pale white skin with strawberry gashes all over all over"

Suddenly, she was well aware of her wounds, of the trails of red that had streaked down her arm, beginning to pool in the sink. Examining them further, she noticed that several of them were gaping, nearly making her sick to her stomach. Nearly panicking, she hastily grabbed tissues and held them to her arm, though they were soon soaked red. God, they couldn't know. If they found out…

"Watch me fault her
You're living like a disaster
She said kill me faster
with strawberry gashes all over"

"Shit," she uttered through gritted teeth, overwhelmed by her own reality.

"I lay quiet
waiting for her voice to say
"Some things you lose and some things you just give away"

After several minutes, the bleeding subsided, giving her the opportunity to rinse out the sink. Afterward, she went about bandaging her wounds with the gauze she'd had to wrap her neck with from her encounter with Zero. Taping a piece of it in place, she looked at herself once again in the mirror, feeling absolutely ashamed of herself.

"Scold me failed her
If only I'd held on tighter to her
Pale white skin that twisted and withered away from me away from me"

Regret hit hard, tears rushing forth without her consent. She stood there, gripping the sink, her tears falling without reserve: tears for Zero and tears for herself. She prayed for a reprieve, for things to go back to the way they were before. But she knew there was no use. Things would never be the same again.

"Watch me lose her
It's almost like losing myself
Give her my soul
and let them take somebody else get away from me

Watch me fault her
You're living like a disaster
She said kill me faster
with strawberry gashes all over all over me"


Okee, that's it for now. I'm currently working on Chapter 2 and this will probably be a short fic. Thanks for reading! Reviews are greatly appreciated, too. ;P

*Cosmic Moon Baby*