Author's note: to keep my sanity while working on various NON-humorous stories, I've been writing this little fiasco on the side. It is strictly for grins and giggles-- and yes, it IS poking fun at certain... themes.... (o_O) seen in the comics and in fanfiction. It incorporates a little bit of Huntress/Question, but be warned: Huntress and Nightwing had a horrible little fling in the comics, and that is mentioned here.
Chapter one: A Question for Batman?
Huntress was walking down one of the halls of the Watchtower when suddenly an arm darted out and pulled her into a broom closet.
"What the—Q?" she asked in the dark, a little hopefully.
"It's me," the Question confirmed.
Helena repressed a hungry giggle. "Well, hello," she murmured, sidling up to him, making sure to graze the outside of his thigh with the inside of her own.
"I have something for you," Vic Sage said to her in a low, husky voice.
Helena reached for his belt. "I bet you do."
He stepped back a little, causing Huntress to frown. She looked up at where the dim outline of his non-face was just becoming visible. "…It's a message for Batman," he said, totally ruining everything.
And now, Huntress was on a mission. She marched through the halls of the Watchtower until she spied his bat-ears poking up from behind a computer terminal. He was right where Vic had said he'd be, a fact which inexplicably pissed her off.
Batman was minding his own business, and was actually just checking his e-mail, when suddenly his screen was turned off and he found his field of vision obscured by a lithe young woman's bare midsection. He grit his teeth and looked up at her violet-masked face.
She didn't even flinch. She just glared back at him. "Look. Are you gay?"
Batman stood up, menacingly, shoulders hunched. His cape closed around him. "Are you?" he asked darkly.
She smirked. "Ask Nightwing."
"Ask me what?" Dick Grayson just so happened to stroll by at that moment, half a turkey sandwich from the cafeteria in his hand. Batman and Huntress both turned their heads to look at him. He chewed his food innocently.
Somehow, Huntress just knew that Batman wasn't going to cooperate. She narrowed her eyes at Nightwing, and made sure to put just the right amount of benign, girlish curiosity in her tone. "Is Batman gay?"
Dick chewed his sandwich, considering the hulking Batman. "God, I hope not," he answered at last, cheerfully. "Can you imagine the therapy I'd need?"
"Seriously," Huntress hissed, as if the acid in her voice could burn through Dick's attitude.
"Seriously?" Dick echoed brightly. "It's none of my business." He smiled angelically, and took another bite of his sandwich.
Huntress looked ready to punch him, but Batman's voice beat her to it: "What are you doing here?" it was a flat question, jam-packed with subliminal disapproval. "You aren't on the roster."
Dick paused, and for a split second he looked at Batman strangely, as if trying to decide whether or not he was supposed to let that hurt. And just as he was about to reach his decision, Wally materialized beside him.
"Relax, Bats! I invited him up here. I need his help with something." He clapped a hand down on Nightwing's shoulder. Dick beamed at him, and Wally returned his grin. Cute as muffins, side by side.
"His help," Batman repeated.
Dick rolled his eyes. "I know, I know: 'anything I can do, you can do better,' right?"
"That's not what I meant," Batman growled.
"HHRRAUGH!" The familiar battle-cry was followed by a deafening crash as Hawkgirl's mace demolished a nearby door, cleaving her way into the room. Batman, Nightwing, Flash and Huntress stared at her, totally caught off guard. Hawkgirl stepped into the room, tipped her head to the right, and then to the left, as if working a knot from her neck, and then sniffed the air. "Do you guys smell that?" she asked, sounding annoyed. "Tension in here is too thick for a knife."
"Shayera," Batman rumbled, voice cold. "You just ruined that door."
"My access code wasn't working," Shayera said with a shrug. "Take it out of my paycheck for the next few years." She ran her eyes over the unfamiliar character in the streamlined black and blue costume. "Who's the hottie? New recruit?"
"Old friend, actually," Wally said. "Nightwing, meet Hawkgirl. Hawkgirl, Nightwing."
"Nice to finally meet you." Dick held out his hand with an irresistible smile, but Shayera had both hands on her mace, and didn't look remotely interested in changing her grip. Instead she sniffed the air again, in obvious disdain.
"You smell human to me. What's your deal?"
"Oh, the usual," Dick replied, dropping his hand but not his grin. "Justice, crime fighting, saving the world. That stuff."
"Any special powers?"
"Heh." Dick leaned back, put his chin in the air a little. "Ask Huntress."
Shayera gave him a look that reminded them all that hawks were deadly predators. "Don't think I won't."
Huntress held up both hands and made a separating motion. "Oh-Kay, that's enough. Bats, I kinda needed to speak to you alone."
"Leaving," Wally announced brightly, steering Dick towards the ruined door.
Dick lifted a hand in casual wave. "See y'round, Batman."
Batman turned to Shayera, and didn't even need to glare.
"Don't worry, I'm outta here," she said in disdain.
Once they were alone in the room, Huntress sighed and folded her arms. "Look, Q sent me up here to find you." She lowered her voice. "He, uh, he wants you to meet him."
Even her large purple mask couldn't completely hide the blush that crept over her face. "In the third stall of the men's bathroom next to the armory," she said in a well-rehearsed rush. "He said you'd know why."
Batman frowned, and then turned his back to Huntress. When he began to stalk away, she called after him.
"Hey, wait a minute! Don't you want to tell me what this is all about?"
Huntress scowled. "So you're just off to rendezvous with the Question in a bathroom stall, and I'm not supposed to think that's totally gay?"
"You can think what you like." Batman was already stepping over the wreckage of the busted door. "As long as you have enough sense to keep your thoughts to yourself."
Huntress scrunched up her face in frustration. Whether he was gay with Batman or not, she decided, Vic was so taking her out to dinner for putting her up to this.
...to be continued!...