Goku is Dead
a Spamfic by Dot

This story almost didn't make it to the Fiction Corner. Had it not been for my prereaders' enthusiastic support, it would have ended up in the Vault. I still don't completely like it, but here it is anyways. ^_^
Of course, Goku couldn't just up and die. After one of the times that happened, the world descended into chaos and several timelines got screwed up because of a certain purple-haired geek who couldn't leave things as they were. And even if Goku did die, he would only acquire a little halo over his head and continue to annoy the hell out of everyone, especially the Kaios--that is, the ones who were still alive or sane.

So, in yet another attempt to get rid of Goku, the Kaios came up with the ridiculous idea of the Evil Dragons. It worked, though, to the amazement and joy of all. And at the end, just as the Kaios predicted, Goku willingly gave up his existence to let Shen Lon grant one final wish. After bidding farewell to his family and friends, who had gathered to see him off, Goku lay down and disappeared in a gratuitous display of author magic.

No one dared to say anything for a good five minutes.

"Is he really gone?" Gohan finally asked timidly, not saying his father's name for fear of bringing him back.

Vegita snorted. "Yeah...until the powers that be decide to resurrect him..."

"AGAIN," added Piccolo.

Gohan stared. "A-again?!?"

Everyone else nodded grimly.

Gohan turned to Videl. "What are we waiting for, then? We should go out and make a name for ourselves before he comes back!"

In the blink of an eye, Gohan and Videl transformed into their costumes.

"Forces of evil, beware!" Gohan declared. He bent the fingers of both hands into the sign for "I love you" and positioned his elbows at a right angle to each other.

Videl followed suit. "Because the greatest crime fighting team..."

Gohan lifted one foot and pulled his right arm back. "Great Saiyaman Number One!"

Videl spread her arms apart and and dropped to one knee. "Great Saiyaman Number Two!"

The two shouted together, moving in perfect harmony: "Will make criminals pay for their crimes!"

Then, they sauntered off in search of a suitable vic--er, that is, bad guy--to beat up.

Everyone sweatdropped.

"I did NOT teach him that..." Piccolo muttered, blushing purple.

Vegita snickered. "Sure."

Since Goku didn't leave behind a body, no funeral was held. There was, however, a wake where all who knew Goku could gather together and watch the remaining members of the Son family show a proper amount of grief. Chi-Chi sniffled quietly, with dignity, like a good wife should. Gohan, on the other hand, let the tears stream freely down his face, although at times it was hard to tell whether he was shedding them from sadness or joy. Videl, on a third hand, clutched tightly to Gohan and dabbed at her eyes with her hankerchief. Goten, on a fourth, sat stone-faced next to Paris-chan, whom he was pursuing quite passionately; he looked like he was either ready to break down from inner turmoil or die of boredom. Pan, the fifth hand, the only one who truly missed Goku because he was the only one who was honestly nice to her, wailed openly, not caring that people were staring at her.

The wake lasted only thirty minutes. When it was over, everyone made his way to a nearby bar, where those over twenty one got themselves royally drunk on a seemingly infinite wall of sake. (Those under twenty-one would have also done the same, but that would have been an endorsement of underaged drinking.)

Time passed.

Chi-Chi opened a restaurant chain which, with the help of Yamcha as a business partner, quickly became an immense hit. She eventually went on to become the founder of the Soylent Green Food Corporation, which also turned out to be a burgeoning company despite initial profit losses.

Gohan and Videl sucessfully battled crime throughout the world until they were outcompeted by a group of teenaged girls in unbelievably short skirts. So they became detectives instead, and cracked almost as many cases as the great Leroy Brown.

Goten got dumped by Paris-chan; despondent, he went from girl to girl in hopes of finding someone else like her. He eventually settled down with an ice-skater, and had a wonderful marriage. A year later, she gave birth to a boy--who, to everyone's relief, looked absolutely nothing like Goku. Later, Goten discovered his wife's kleptomanic tendancies, and immediately divorced her, winning custody of his son in the process. Under Pan's advice, he remarried to an enterprising woman who was the president of a major weapons manufacturing company.

Pan ran away from home, joined the army, and became a professional killer. She also married Trunks in order to acquire the Capsule Corporation both as a front and an economic base for her operations. Eventually, the Capsule Corporation and the Red Ribbon Corporation merged; the Capsule Corporation also absorbed Microsoft after Bill Gates died of unknown causes. Soon after that, Trunks claimed to have foiled the intricate plot of a lab mouse to take over the world. With great sorrow, Pan commited her husband to a mental institution.

But the most wonderful thing of all was this: Goku stayed dead. And there was great rejoicing.

Author's Notes:
At first, I rather liked DBGT, since it went back to the humorous quest type of storyline even though the Dark Star Dragon Balls was a rather obvious plot device. Then, I started losing interest as Bebi, then Super17, and finally the Evil Dragons threatened earth, with--who else--Goku coming out victorious for the umpteenth time.
To make a long story short, it suffices to say that I was extremely disappointed with DBGT. The never-ending fights, ridiculous powerups, and recycled plots (or lack thereof) were too much for me. That, added to my frustration over how slowly my other stories were proceeding, the aggravatingly hot weather in Florida, plus having to reinstall Windows on my laptop due to a major technological boo-boo resulted in this story.
Anyways, I feel much better now. (By the way, check out "Usagi is Dead" at http://moonromance.simplenet.com/uid.htm; it's a much better story than mine)
Copyright 1998 by Dot
Questions? Comments? Suggestions?