A/N: ZOMG! I have a new story!! ^gasp^ You guys out there better thank my friend Mai-chan because she's the only reason you guys are seeing this story! So, claps to you, Mai-chan! Okay… Well, since it's your story Envy, you can do the disclaimer!
Envy: Siyui doesn't own FMA, a banana, or anything else for that matter, accept Shiri,oh,and her cat Ed. But other than that, nothing really.
Siyui: Gee, thanks.
Envy: You're welcome.
Siyui: ^Rolls eyes^ Anyway, enough with the speaking! Time for chapter uno of…..
Lessons for Later in Life.
Xxx Now Beta-ed by.... xxBittersweet Melancholyxx!!!! *bows* All thanks go to her!!
Lesson 1: Don't follow your cat into dark allies. May be hazardous to one's health.
I ran down the narrow hallway, my feet making small taps on the tile. "Dammit, I can't be late again!" I said to myself, wondering how I was going to evade his punishment today. "Please not let him notice…" I whispered quietly to myself, closing my eyes for a brief second before I continued with my silent feeble prayer, "Or I will surely die…"
I rounded another corner, the door just within my grasp. My hand closed in on the door's brass handle, as I pushed open the wooden door. As my eyes warily scanned the seemingly empty room, a grin slowly spread out on my features as I let out a inaudible sigh of relief for realization of one fact: There was nobody there.
I pumped a fist of victory into the air, "Yes! No one's here, so I'm not—"
"You're late, Shiri." I did a full 360 degree turn only turn to face none other then Roy Mustang. I scowled before responding with a finger placed on my watch for emphasis, "You're late too!"
He replied, "Well, I can be late. You can't." Walking past my sulking figure and into his, he finally added, "You know the deal, Lt. Shiri." I grimaced from his strictly formal statement, before walking over to my own station.
I twitched, "I hate you with every fiber of my mutual being, you know that?" He waved off my comment like it was a bee, before leaning back lazily in his chair. "Sure, sure. Just do your work."
I glared at him pointingly, finally sitting down in my seat."You mean your work."
He shrugged impassively. "I did tell you that if you were late again, you would have to do both of our paperwork." I scoffed, taking out my faithful pen before pulling out the first sheet from the mountain of paperwork that was piled ontop of my desk, "I think it's just an excuse not to do your paperwork…" I mumbled, already finishing my first sheet and pulling out the next one before I continued, "You sadist…"
Roy glanced at me sleepily, raising an eyebrow."What did you call me?"He asked while yawning, starting to fall asleep.
"Oh, nothing." I said sweetly, getting another sheet of doom from the gigantic pile that was placed in front of me.
"You making Shiri do all of your paperwork again, Mustang?" I heard a familiar voice call from the doorway as I glanced up from my papercut-prone doom only to see the mountain of paperwork blocking my view. "..Ed?" I asked the air, not being able to see anything. "If you're there, I can't see you! Wait, I can see Al… Hey Al!" I called from my station, grinning.
"Hello Shiri-chan."Al replied politely.
"Maybe it's because you're so short, Ed."I could almost hear the coy familiar smirk on his facial expression as I thought silently to myself; Oh god Roy, don't push him…
"DO NOT CALL ME SO SHORT THAT I CAN ONLY BE MEASURED IN MILIMETERS!" Yup, Ed's definitely here:And in stereo. Double brownie points.
"Brother, he didn't say any of that…"Al remarked with a invisible sweat drop growing on the side of his forehead, no doubt holding Ed back from killing the crap out of the god-complexed colonel. I suddenly stood up before walking out of the range of mentally scarring paperwork of doom. "Wow, Ed!" I started to speak,a devious plot going through my little head as I cracked out a grin.
--xXThird person point of viewXx--
"What?"Ed asked, shaking himself out of the younger Elric's grasp. The small military girl grinned before continuing, "I think you got shorter in the past week! What are you, three feet?"
Cue anime vein."What do you mean 'short'?!"Edward yelled at a grinning Shiri before he continued with a statement that just resulted in setting her off, "I'm freaking taller than you!"
"I am not shorter then you, shrimp!"
"Well, if I'm a shrimp, you're a plankton!"
"Do not call me after various microscopic sea creatures, doofus!"
"Only idiots call people idiots, idiot!"
"You just used it three times!"
"Well, you have to be a regulated height to use the word, 'idiot'!"
"You don't fill the bill!"
"You don't either, squirt!"
"I won't hesitate to kick your butt just because you're a girl!"
"And I won't hesitate to kick you're butt because you're a girl!"
"Did you just call me a girl?!"
"Yes I did! Girly girl Mcgirlystein! That's your name!" Al glanced in-between Shiri and Ed worriedly, hoping they wouldn't kill each other. Roy, who was recently busy laughing his butt off at the sight, finally stopped laughing, wiping a tear from his eyes.
He smirked knowingly, "How about we say that both of you are short and let's leave it at that." Ed and Shiri turned to the colonel, glaring, before out bursting, "Stay out of it, Flame-for-Brains!" Roy sighed as he watched them continue their shorty-rant war, all the same thinking, 'It's amazing how much alike they are….'
"I'm going to eat." Shiri announced from behind the evidently smaller pile of paperwork. After her lengthy fight with Ed (it lasted about an hour), she had been trying to steadily decrease the growing amount of paperwork. It had decreased a lot, but there was still about three hours worth of work left to do.
"What makes you think you can leave, Spark?" Roy said, just waking up from his illustrious nap.
"Because I am as hungry as crap, and I will beat your stupid arse until there is nothing left, got it?!" She said, or rather screamed, as she stomped out of the room with a silent fuming huff.
Roy scoffed, "Geez, what's with the hostility? It's not like I was going to say no…" The colonel grumbled under his breath, following behind the female state alchemist in the direction of the eastern headquarters' common cafeteria area.
"She's adorable! Fourteen months old and she can already crawl! Isn't it amazing?" Maes Hughes beamed, shoving pictures of his daughter, Elicia, into Ed's face who was busy trying to reject the gesture.
"Um, most babies can do that.." Shiri said, smiling slightly and sitting down next to the eldest Elric brother. "But it's just the way she did it! Her gracefulness!" He grinned proudly, tears streaming down his eyes and pointing at himself. "She inherited that from her father, of course." He placed one foot onto the table, where a plate happened to be.
"Oof!!" He slipped and landed on the ground on his butt."Yeah, you're so graceful…" Ed said while rolling his eyes. Shiri grinned while all the same thinking, 'And I know these insane people… Why?'
Al laughed, "Elicia is kinda cute..."
Ed looked at his younger brother, eyes showing evidently the feeble word, 'betrayed' as Edward exclaimed, "No Al, don't!" Maes popped up from the ground in half a mili second later, pictures ready in hand.
"Ya know, Maes," Shiri said, grinning at Ed as he sent her glances screaming, 'No! Please don't do this to me!' But, Shiri, being Shiri, she continued on with her sentence, "I'm sure Ed would love to see all the photos of Elicia at her birthday party! Because I'm pretty sure he wouldn't want to miss out on anything, now would he? I mean like, she was so cute!"
"I know, right? I don't think there's anything cuter! Here Ed, look…" Maes rambled on with his sentence, the poor young blonde teenager banging his head on the table repeatedly.
Shiri grinned at Ed's dismay before speaking again, "Aw, is something wrong Ed?" Ed glanced up from the indent he left in the side of the table and glowered at her menacingly."You…"
Shiri put up her hands defensively with a grin plastered on her face, "Whoa! Don't go scary alchemist on me, Ed! What are you going to do?"
Ed grinned his,'I'm-going-to-kill-you-in-60-seconds'grin before responding to the young female alchemist, "Nothing… Much."
--xXFIRST PERSON, BELIEVE IT!O_OXx--
"You are a very mean person, you know that?"I said to Ed, a deep scowl etched onto my face. Lunch had ended a while ago, but I apparently was still here. "Ya know how many people have said that?" Ed said, stepping back to admire his finished work.
"Brother, you really should let her down.." Al said uncertainly. I was currently hanging upside down from the VERY HIGH CELING by two metal bars that were attached to my chair, which was attached across my figure."I know." Ed said, as if he was proud of the fact.
"Ed… If you don't let me down now… I will…" I growled out, my hand reaching up to hold my necklace. Al looked worried.
"Um, Ed…" I grinned, my hand shining menacingly.
"Ed… Run." I flung my hand at him, a metal pole coming straight out of it and towards him. He grinned and slapped his hands on the ground, a giant wall coming up, my pole shoving into it, but not breaking through."How about that, huh?!" Ed yelled, grinning. I scowled, and then suddenly grinned again with an idea coming across my mind.
"How about this?!" I held my other hand to my necklace, then held the pole with both
"What are you—" Electricity flew through the pole and into the wall, making both of them untouchable. The wall crumbled, making me able to shoot the pole forward and two inches away from Ed's face.
"Got anything to say?" He scowled at the remark, clapping his hands together again. Big, iron stairs formed under me, and I grinned as I hopped out of the seat I recently was in and walked down the stairs.
"See? Wasn't that easy—" I was cut off by wooden bars surrounding me, and Ed grinning. "How's that?"
I grinned, grabbing the bars with one hand, my necklace with the other. "Haven't you learned yet?" The bars deteriorated, tiny flecks of electricity shining.
"The Fuhrer was right to call you 'The Spark Alchemist', Shiri." Ed, Al, and I all looked towards the voice behind us, as Ed scowled in annoyance. "Hughes, what do you want?"
Maes grinned, shrugging. "Shiri, Roy wants to know where the heck you are, and that you're gonna have to work late."
I scowled brushing myself off, as I grumbled, "He could have just told me that himself…"
"He said you would say that."
I grimaced, walking out of the room in the direction of the office once more mumbling, "Stupid Colonel Idiot…"
Maes called from the other room knowingly, "He said you'd say that too."
I frowned, "I am not working late."
"Yes you are. Until you get all of this paperwork done, you have to work." I scowled at the colonel, my hands slamming ontop of his wooden desk before exclaiming, "All the paperwork left is YOUR paperwork!"
"You're making Shiri do your paperwork, Colonel Mustang?" Riza Hawkeye asked her colonel patiently, gun cocked in her left hand.
"Well, did you?"
I could feel fake innocent tears coming to my eyes as I wailed, over exaggerating the statement a little bit, "He was so mean to me! He said I could only have a twenty-minute lunch break! And, when I was one minute late, he said I had to do his paperwork and do double overtime!"
Roy glared at me, and then looked at Riza, his hands in front of him."Now, come on, you know none of that is true—"
"You will do your paperwork now, and if I hear about you not doing your paperwork.."She left him to elaborate, her hand still on the gun. "O-okay." She left the room, and Roy took his chance to glare at me. "Shiri…"
I grinned."Roy, I would really do your paperwork if I were you…" We suddenly heard a gun click outside, showing that it was ready for firing.
"Fine…" he said, loud enough for Riza to hear, but then he then whispered loud enough for me to hear with a devious glint in his eye, "But I'm going to get you back.."
"Not cool. Not cool at all."
Roy grinned. "Payback."
I shook my head. "This is not payback. This is torture." I was tied to a chair (again) so I wouldn't escape (I have to admit, I was thinking about it) as I was facing the window. "What are you going to make me do?" His grin got wider, and I saw Black Hayate trot into the room as he responded, "You…" I prepared myself for the worst until he finished, "Have to do only one thing."
I sighed in relief inaudibly. "That's it? I can last!"
He smirked. "You don't even know what you have to do."
I scowled again. "What, pray tell, do I have to do?"
He grinned. "Well, you have to… Clean up all of Black Hayate's 'bathroom moments'."
"So? How bad is that?"
--xXFIVE MINUTES LATER!Xx--
"Geez, I'm gonna die." I said to myself, holding in one arm a bag, the other hand a wash rag. Both of my hands currently had gloves on as I surveyed the mess. "Roy, you did this on purpose, didn't you?" I didn't know it was possible, but poop was EVERYWHERE, and when I say everywhere, I mean EVERYWHERE.
I sulked, "Colonel Fire-Arse, I'm going to kill you…"
"I heard that!"He called from the other room, as I fumed to myself silently; Oh, so he hadn't left yet…
I opened the door to my apartment, tired as crap (Hahahaha… Get it?). "So sleepy…" I grumbled silently to myself. I walked into the room, setting down all of my stuff on the semi-beat up couch. I was just about to lay on said couch when a blonde bar of fur jumped onto me. "Oh, hey Ed…" The little blonde cat looked at me with golden eyes, as if trying to say something— oh, did I mention I named my cat after Ed for a reason?
Well, it had all started when Al hid ANOTHER cat in his armor. Ed, hater of all things in cat-form, wanted to get rid of it. But, this cat was special. It looked like Ed, only catish. Not only that, but it acted like him too. It slept on its back, hated milk, and had a perma-scowl on its cat face. But, the most startling resemblance was when anyone ever called the cat 'small', the cat would bound into an uncontrollable rage on said person's soul.
I showed Ed the cat, and he said he couldn't keep it, so, why not I keep it? Plus, the best thing about it: It HATES Roy!
Back to the point; Ed was looking at me expectantly, like I should be doing something. "What?" I asked it, and he turned his nose to his empty food bowl as I blinked in realization. "Oh! You want food, don't you?" The cat nodded exasperatedly. "Geez, no need to be mean."
I walked over to the food bag, and grimaced when I saw there was nothing in there. "Well, you're just going to have to wait till tomorrow…" Ed glared at me. And glared at me. And glared at me.
"Okay, fine. We'll go and get some food." Ed smiled, prancing over to the door and waiting impatiently. I slid my coat back on, grimacing. "For a cat, you're very demanding…"
I walked down the streets, my head stuffed into my coat pockets with Ed trotting behind me. "I can't believe you dragged me out here at this time of night, Ed…" Ed looked up at me, looking at me with his cute cat eyes as his ears perked upward curiously.
"Fine…" We finally reached the store in a few minutes, as I sat down on the bench outside of it before Ed glared at me pointingly.
"What? I don't get a rest?" Glare. "Okay, I'm going, I'm going…" I entered the store, Ed in tow. I scanned the rows of assorted cat food, checking the prices. I finally found the one I wanted, so I walked over to the cash register. "I'll take this please." I said, pulling out my wallet (it's decorated with flying cows).
"That'll be 14 sens, m'am." I nodded.
"Okay… Here ya go…" I handed him the money, he gave me my receipt, and I walked out. Ed was prancing happily beside me, glad that he had his food. As we walked past an alleyway, his smile disappeared, as he bolted down the dark alley.
"Ed!" I sat down the cat food, and ran after him. "Ed, you know you shouldn't just run off!" I followed him all the way down, until the alley came to a dead end. "Ed, what is it?" He sat next to the wall, and I walked over to him, picking him up. "Aw, you're shivering…" I petted Ed in my hands, leaning against the wall. "Wha—"
"What is the Spark Alchemist doing down an alley like this?" I glanced up to the voice that spoke as I took in his features. It was a guy, and I had to say, he was on the handsome side. (A/N: Damn straight.) He had long dark green hair that fell to his side in big spikes, making him resemble a palm tree. He was wearing a sleeveless halter-shirt that stopped at his abs, plus shorts that were covered, making it look like he was wearing a skirt. Hehehe, skirt.. Nevertheless... His amethyst eyes bored into mine menacingly. "Who… are you?"
The guy grinned. "I'm sorry, but I don't really need to tell you that."
I frowned, putting my hands on my hips. "Why not?" Ed started shivering even more.
"Because." I scowled at his statement before he continued again, "I already said I don't have to tell you."
"Not a good answer." I sat Ed down before I suddenly smashed my palms onto the ground, iron bars rising around the guy and enclosing him. He grinned, which was something I didn't expect.
"You expect to capture me so easily, Sparky?" I scowled as he braked through the iron bars, bending them. I held onto my necklace, grimacing. He walked up to me, grabbing my chin with his hand and inspecting my face.
"Black hair… Green eyes… You match her perfectly." He grinned, pushing me on the wall. "You're even kinda cute, Sparky." Ed finally got the guts to growl at him, making the guy scowl in annoyance at him.
"Cat, don't make me kill you…" I clenched my hands, pushing him away and picking up Ed defensively.
"You're not touching my cat, Mr. Palm Tree."
He glared at me, stepping closer to me."What did you just call me?!"
I took in a big breath, wanting him to believe I was much stronger than I really was."Mr. Palm Tree. Can't you hear?" He stepped up to me, two inches from my face.
"Listen girl. I have a very short temper, and I'm not afraid to kill you. Doesn't matter if you're cute." A sinister grin was instantly plastered on his face. "Actually, I prefer to kill you, but Father told me not to." I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion.
"Who the hell is 'Father'?"
He grinned again, backing away from me before speaking, "You'll find out soon enough."
"Wha—" Before I could continue, he knocked me out. But, not before I could hear whispered in my ear, "The name's Envy."
The moral of this is: Don't follow your cat into dark alleys. It's an extreme no-no. You might find dangerous palm trees waiting for you.
A/N: Well, that's it for ze first chapter!!! Tell me if ya liked it, if it's too short or too long, if it needs to be incinerated because of its terribleness, anything. I need ta know. Greed, tell them to review!!!
Siyui: More convincing.
Greed: Review, dammit.
Siyui: Yeah, that'll get them to review…
Greed: Review or I'll get a dictionary and shove it so far up your butt that you can TASTE THE KNOWLEDGE!
Siyui: Hmm… That's better. Anyway, like I said, please review, I need to know anything I can do to make this thing better. See ya, and stay in tune for the next lesson Shiri has to learn…
Lesson 2: Palm trees are NOT your friends…
"Bad Ed! I told you, attacking people's faces are bad!" Envy looked at me incredulously. "He's done it before?" I nodded, as if like any cat would try to annihilate a person's face. "Yup. This is the fourteenth time now."
Greed growled ."That cat needs to be killed…"
I glowered at him. "You come near my cat I'm going to murder you with a spoon."
"…That's not even possible."
"It's been done before." I said, nodding.