A/N: This is a totally random one shot that came to me while I was Google-ing random crap. This is a sort of parody/humour/crack fic.
Bella and I were going to Wal-mart today, because Bella wanted to do her own grocery shopping for a change. She felt guilty letting Esme go shopping when Bella was the only one who actually ate them.
We got to Wal-Mart quickly and parked. Bella reached over to turn off the radio, effectively cutting off Fall Out Boy's Beat it. I couldn't stop the pout that graced my lips as I was forced to stop air-drumming.
Bella rolled her eyes, apparently amused as she grabbed her 'bag-for-life' bags and her purse. We jumped out of my jeep, and double checking the doors, making sure they were securely locked. We walked toward the store, dodging angry drivers, and a few crying toddlers. We reached the automatic doors, and I stopped a moment, taking in the movement. God, what technology could do today.
I walked up to the door, noticing Bella had abandoned me to get a cart. I grinned as I waited for them to open. I slid through them and then decided to walk back out again. How in the world, could the doors know when someone's about to go or leave the store? I walked in and then back out again, they did the same thing. I walked up to the doors again and as soon as they opened, I ran away in the opposite direction. When I looked back, they where still wide open.
I smirked smugly as I walked into the store for reals this time.
"No one can outsmart the Great and Powerful Emmett!" I said to myself, causing a few humans to look at me strangely. I could smell their fear. I could also smell their blood. Jesus.
When Bella was looking at the food, I wondered around aimlessly. Pretty soon something caught my eye; I walked over to the shelf and picked it up it. It was gift wrap and the shape gave me an idea.
I started to swing it around like a sword. This went on for about five minutes until one human was walking toward me. He had golden blond hair and plain, dull green eyes. Besides the dullness of his eyes, he reminded me of a puppy dog. I think his name was Mike.
"Yo! do you want to duel?" I asked him, halting my sword, aka gift rap.
He looked at me oddly, his heart started to beat faster as fear settled in and speed walked toward another aisle while glancing at me over his shoulder. As if I was going to go after him. He rejected me!
I started to get bored with my makeshift sword, so I put the gift wrap back and wondered around a different part of the store.
A teenager wore a shirt with the stores logo on it. His face had bad acne and he looked jittery – he was obviously new to the job. His hair was a mousey brown, which matched his eyes. I tried to feel bad about what I did next, honestly I did. But I couldn't bring myself to feel guilty or to regret it. It was hilarious.
I walked up to him, casually, and morphed my expression into serious expression. I stated in a professional tone, "I think we have a code 3, in house wares." He looked at me shocked and ran to the house ware department, apparently calling back-up.
I started to look around for Bella. I wondered over to where her scent was the strongest and found her examining a few sheets. It was dark blue and gave me another idea. Hey, I was on a roll today.
I walked up behind her and snatched it out of her small, delicate hands. She turned around looking like a scared bunny. Once she realized that it was in face me she glared at me, and her fear turned into anger. I put the sheet on my back and tied the corners around my neck. I was pleased with the result; it looked exactly the way I imagined it would. I ran up the aisle and clenched my hand into a fist and put it in the air in front of me. I proceeded to run around the store, making sure I was at a human pace. I spotted a brunette woman, who was wearing a grey business suit, and hair her hair up in a fancy bun. She looked like she was in her late thirties.
"I am Batman. Come Robin, to the BatCave!"I yelled at her and ran away with my fist still in the air. I could feel her gaze burning holes into the back of my head, obviously shocked. I grinned. My mission was a 15% complete.
When I returned to the duvet aisle, Bella was red with embarrassment. When I took the sheet off of my back and neck, and placed it back where Bella had found it. When I reached Bella, she immediately punched me in the bicep. I smirked down at her. I didn't feel a thing, it felt like a tickle.
Suddenly, Bella groaned.
"You hurt my hand!" Bella explained.
"Well, it's your own fault!" I told her in protest causing her to roll her eyes, and wonder off again.
I walked around the clothing part of the store and tried to find anything that I would wear, just in case the world suddenly ran out of the designer clothing Alice bought us. After half an hour I came to the conclusion that nothing here was even half descent!
"Who buys this junk anyway?" I asked no on in particular, still gazing at the clothes. A few humans turned to stare at me, outraged.
I saw a bike stand, along with other essentials that one needed to get if you were going to buy a bike. At least, that was what the brightly coloured sign said anyway. My gaze landed on a blue bike, with a red lightning stripe on the bar. I climbed on it, and placed my feet on the pedals. I started to peddle, and was soon going at a fat human speed when the guy with bad acne and colour coded hair and irises appeared in front of me, with his wiry arms crossed over his chest, his feet placed shoulder width apart.
Damn you… (I had to look closer, almost squint to see his name tag,) Geoffrey.
"What do you think your doing?" He asked angrily, his face flushing with rage.
"Taking a bike for a test drive," I said, did he forget his contact lenses? "What does it look like I'm doing? Sucking blood from a bear?" I asked annoyed. He looked confused, apparently lost for words.
I left, still on the new-soon-to-be-mine bike. Thankfully, he didn't notice, still trying to come up with a comeback.
I peddled down the pizza aisle while calling out Bella.
"Bella, I'm going to buy this!" I told her excitedly.
She looked at my blankly and blinked 3 times then burst out laughing.
I looked at her, confused. She obviously wasn't going to tell the joke anytime soon so I decided to look at other stuff. Who knew grocery shopping would be so much fun? After seven minutes and twenty three seconds exactly, I abandoned the bike down the underwear aisle.
I stood, looking at the different TV's. I started to compare them to the ones we had at the mansion when I was rudely interrupted.
"Can I help you with anything, sir?" I heard a woman's voice ask from beside me. I turned around with tears in my eyes.
"Why can't you people just leave me alone?!" I yelled at her, my voice breaking. She walked away quickly and I immediately stopped my dry sobbing and continued to look at the TVs.
I got a song stuck in my head-it was the mission impossible theme tune. I snuck around the store and hummed the theme tune while I looked around suspiciously. People started to stare when I got to the front of the store, where the cash registers were placed. Bella was waiting there looking around for something.
"Yo! Bella, I'm over here," I yelled over the crowd of people. She looked at me, surprised. I ran over to her at human speed and stood in the queue with her. We finally got to the till. The person working there was named Lilly. She ran the cardboard box filled with pop-tarts over the scanner causing it to beep.