Note: Crack. Pure crack. Nothing else. Just crack. Okay? Okay.
Disclaimer: Don't own anything.
Once a year, all Jashinists gathered in their temple near the village of Yugakure to praise Lord Jashin together. This gathering lasted for about a week; five of these days were spent in prayer, the remaining two to exchange the latest news, confess, do more rituals, and in some cases, to get married and joining rituals.
Our favorite Jashinist, of course, was no exception; towards the end of April, he traveled to the temple – alone because Kakuzu refused to take part in religious rituals. Stupid unbelieving atheist.
On the sixth day, when the prayers and Hidan's injuries were healing, he met up with some of his old friends. One of them was his former squad mate from Yugakure, Shoutarou, another was the priest who had recruited them, called Kamidou, and then there was Shoutarou's wife, Ana, whom he had converted and married at the ritual last year.
"So tell us, Hidan," Kamidou gulped down his sake, "what have you been doing since you left the temple?"
"I joined an organization full of atheist cocksuckers," the silver-haired man replied. "Akatsuki."
"Akatsuki?" Ana raised an eyebrow. "I've heard of them. A very good opportunity to slaughter in the name of Jashin…"
"That's what I thought." He gestured wildly. "But they're just a fucking freak show! Ugh, you should see them; false Gods and money-loving atheists… The only bearable ones are Itachi and Kisame. Itachi killed off his entire clan – what an admirable man…"
"If he's stronger than you, why don't you marry him?" Shoutarou smirked. "You're still unmarried, right? It's about time, y'know. Ana and I are already planning our own little Jashinists…"
Hidan snorted. "I'd never marry that fucking Uchiha! He's got a stick shoved up his pretty-boy ass, seriously."
"But Shoutarou is right, Hidan." Kamidou set down his glass. "You need to get married. You're twenty-two already; most of your comrades have found formidable partners. You know how it goes – marry someone stronger than you to have even stronger children."
"I'm not fucking interested in women, you know. And I seriously don't want kids."
"Jashin-sama does not care whether you marry a man or a woman, but you can cause more destruction with four hands than with two." He took another sip of sake. "Can't you think of anyone at all? Someone strong."
"Someone handsome," Ana threw in.
Even Shoutarou seemed thoughtful now. "Someone who can keep you under control when you go crazy again."
"Yeah, someone who can deal with you… and with common sense. Someone smart who is more careful than you."
"Ugh, shut up!" Hidan crossed his arms over his chest. "Things are fine the way they are! I have a partner at Akatsuki who is with me at all times and he balances me out, seriously. Having a third person with us would disturb the balance. …Why are you looking at me like that?"
The first time Hidan proposed to Kakuzu, he got his head punched right off his shoulders.
Kakuzu was, for once, fairly content. The weather was nice, he had just had a long bath in the hot springs of Yugakure, Hidan was away and he had turned in a huge bounty the previous night. Life was good.
But then there was a knock on the door, and that was when it started – the worst day of Kakuzu's life started when he opened the door to get a huge bouquet of red roses thrust into his face. So huge, in fact, that he failed to see the person behind it.
He stared at the bouquet for at least a minute before taking off the card that came with it. It was disgustingly pink and smelled like cheap perfume.
Blood is red
Veins are blue
Please don't be mad
But I need you to marry me or else the high priests of Jashin-sama will kill me in the cruelest possible way
He stared at the card blankly for a few more moments before taking the roses, glancing at them idly, and proceeding to punch off Hidan's nervously grinning face.
"Hey, asshole!" Hidan narrowly dodged a blow and quickly swung his scythe at his enemy, effectively getting one of the blades stuck in the sand nin's chest, and Hidan slammed his foot against it to free his weapon again. "How about now?"
Kakuzu did not care who was around them; he released a Katon: zukokku and hoped to whatever deity was up there that it would finally kill Hidan.
"Why the fuck not?!"
"Just shut up!"
"Oh come on, old man! Just do something for me for once!"
The Akatsuki projections watched in silence as Hidan chased Kakuzu around their current hideout – a clearing in Fire Country – all equally confused by their antics. Pain eventually cleared his throat to get attention. "I don't know if you two have noticed, but the meeting has already started and we need to discuss our next moves."
"What are they even doing, un?"
Kisame grinned, baring his sharp teeth. "Don't mind them, Hidan is just proposing again. For the ninth time."
"Alright, this time you can't say no!" Hidan dumped the corpse of a grass shinobi on Kakuzu's desk. "This guy is worth 50 million ryou. How is this not the best proposal ever, you greedy
"Hidan," Kakuzu said slowly, "I don't know what else you want me to do. I have beheaded you, burnt you, chopped your limbs off, drowned you, strangled you, choked you, stabbed you, broke your neck, hung you and let Deidara blow you up. What do I need to do so you will understand that no, I do not want to marry you?"
Hidan paused. "Kill yourself?"
"Get the fuck out of my room. Now."
After 27 attempts, Hidan figured that it might be wise to approach the topic differently. That is, he had to trick Kakuzu into marrying him without him actually noticing.
Step 1 – Get your fiancée to convert to Jashinism.
Ah, and of course, the hardest task was first. Hidan thought that maybe the direct approach might be the best, so he got another rosary, asked Jashin-sama for his blessing and prayed for his own safety before daring to disturb Kakuzu again.
He figured Kakuzu's reaction could have been worse; that he only ripped off one of Hidan's arms instead of both was already a good sign, right?
Maybe he just needed to be sneaky.
Over the course of the next month, the rosary was passed around more than a good joint; when Hidan hid it in Kakuzu's pocket, he got it thrown at his head. When he put it in Kakuzu's suitcase, he got it shoved up his – well. You can imagine. He tried hiding it in various places in Kakuzu's room, only to find it in the trash can the next morning.
Small steps, he reminded himself. Small steps. And thus he grabbed thread and needle and stitched Jashin-sama's symbol somewhere on Kakuzu's pants.
The only reason the other Akatsuki didn't tell on Hidan was because they were endlessly amused by the Jashin symbol on Kakuzu's ass.
You could say that Kakuzu was a fearless man. He would fight any enemy, he would kill any sick woman or poor child, he would even sell his liver – if it got him enough money. But like Superman had kryptonite, Kakuzu had a weakness. A fear.
Tax investigator nins.
Missing nin, like any other type of ninja, no matter where they came from, had to pay taxes. Even feared Akatsuki members. And of course, tax investigator nins were supreme ninja, powerful beyond words, and it was simply impossible to escape them.
It was Zetsu who informed Kakuzu that the tax investigator nins had an eye on him, and although he kept cool on the outside, on the inside he was panicking.
You see, Kakuzu wasn't always honest with his taxes, and as a missing nin, it was far too easy to get faked certificates. Like a marriage certificate. Or a birth certificate. It might, might, have been possible that Kakuzu had put himself as married with a kid to get into a better tax class. And he might also have written his earnings onto Akatsuki's earnings.
He needed a kid and a wife. Like, now. Before the tax investigator nins figured out that it was all a lie.
It hit him while he was getting ready to wash his clothes; they were on a mission, him and Hidan, and he had gotten mud on his pants, so when they took a break by a river, he took them off to wash them.
Okay, why was there a Jashin symbol on his pants? On his ass, more specifically? He narrowed his eyes. "Hidan!" And that was when it hit him, his eyebrows raising as his eyes widened again. "Hidan…" And then, he smirked. "Hidan."
Who else? The guy had been trying to get Kakuzu to marry him for more than a month now. Two. Maybe three. Perhaps they could form a syndicate…