Author's Note: This fanfic was inspired by a conversation I overheard at school the other day. A girl in my class was telling her friend about a few people who decided to cheat off of each other during a test. And once she said that, this idea literally popped into my head, and the rest of the story just started coming together.
Disclaimer: South Park © Trey Parker and Matt Stone
Cartman shifted around in his seat uncomfortably. He glanced up at the clock. 11:53 AM. He only had to survive 7 more minutes until lunch. He rested his elbows on his desk and slumped down. He looked at his blank math test and decided to finally start writing in random numbers.
"Let's see hyah…the square root of 144…" he contemplated the answer. "6? Yeah, it's totally 6." He jotted it down on his paper. He proceeded to make stupid guesses for the next 30 seconds, until his eyes started wandering to his classmates sitting around him. He squinted at the tests on each of their desks, and sure enough, he could just about make out what they were writing.
A vicious grin appeared on his face. All he had to do now was figure out who exactly he was going to cheat off of.
He looked to his right. Butters? Nah, he's a dumbass. Clyde? Hell no, he's a fucking retard. Token? Definitely not, he's black.
He looked to his left. Kyle. Cartman smirked. Of course, that fucking know-it-all Jew. He'd obviously know all of the right answers.
He began leaning forward, trying his hardest to focus on Kyle's paper. He managed to see a few answers near the bottom of the page. Hastily erasing and re-writing on his own test, Cartman looked back at Kyle's. He suddenly stopped writing.
Kyle was already done with his test, but he was busy writing something else in the bottom corner of his scrap paper. Cartman carefully watched as Kyle traced two names, surrounded with tiny hearts.
Cartman leaned closer to make sure he was reading it correctly. He moved all the way near the edge of his chair, when he felt himself crashing down onto the floor.
The entire class swiveled around after hearing the loud thud. They each stared at Cartman, who was now swearing under his breath and rubbing the arm he had fallen on.
Mr. Garrison had finally looked up from his romance novel to see Cartman on the floor. "Is there a problem, Eric?" he asked with an annoyed sigh.
"Uh," Cartman said, frantically searching for an excuse. "Craig pushed me!"
"But…I'm all the way over here," Craig said, speaking from the back of the room.
Cartman scowled at him. Mr. Garrison rolled his eyes. "Just, go back to your seat, and shut the hell up."
Everyone continued to watch in silence as Cartman returned to his desk. He looked over at Kyle, who had that 'you're such a Goddamn idiot' look on his face. Cartman chuckled to himself.
"Just wait, Jew…I'm about to make your life a living hell."
The bell rang a few seconds later, and the students handed over their tests on their way out of the classroom. Cartman was the last one to place his test on Mr. Garrison's desk.
"Eric," Mr. Garrison said, catching him as he was about to leave the room. "What exactly were you trying to do just now?"
Cartman froze. "I, uh, I was just…" He paused, and decided that he was not about to take the defensive on this. "Why, what did you think I was trying to do? Cheat or something? I am offended, Mr. Garrison."
"Well, no I…" Mr. Garrison began, somewhat taken aback. "Nevermind, just stop screwing around, that's all."
"Of course, teacher," Cartman said as he left.
He walked into the hallway, shoving kids out of his way as he tried to find Kyle. "Hey, Jew!" he called out, after spotting him at his locker.
Kyle looked up to see Cartman walking toward him. "What the hell do you want, fatass?" he asked with an impatient tone in his voice.
"Oh, nothing," Cartman said casually.
"Okay then," Kyle said. He slammed his locker shut and began to walk away, but Cartman followed behind him. Kyle tried to ignore him, but he grew more and more frustrated with each step, knowing that Cartman was right behind him. "What?!" he said, glaring at him.
"Nothing," Cartman repeated.
"Then why the FUCK are you following me?!" Kyle asked angrily.
"Well, actually…" Cartman trailed off, looking down at the ground and then back at Kyle to be sure that he didn't miss the look on his face. "I just found out something kinda interesting about you, Kyle."
Kyle blinked, an eye brow raised. "Huh?"
"Yeah, something that I doubt anyone else knows about you," Cartman vaguely explained.
"Dude, what are you-"
"Oh, it's no big deal, Kyle," Cartman said. "I'm sure people would LOVE to find out about your…" He paused, preparing himself to savor Kyle's reaction that he had been anticipating.
"…secret crush," he finished with a sly grin.
"WHAT?!" Kyle screamed, his eyes widening out of shock. "Dude, I…how did you…I mean…" He yanked at his own shirt collar, feeling extremely uneasy.
"How did I…find out about your little secret?" Cartman suggested for the nervous Jew. "Let's just say…I can be very sneaky when I want to be."
Kyle's eyes darted back and forth. He quickly shoved Cartman into the nearby boys' bathroom. Once they were inside, he checked the stalls, and then by the sinks, where he saw Butters washing his hands.
"Dude, get outta here!" he yelled.
"But Kyle, if I don't wash my hands, my parents will-"
"DUDE! YOUR PARENTS AREN'T FUCKING HERE RIGHT NOW, DUMBASS!"
"B-but, if I get home and my parents see that my hands aren't squeaky clean, I'll get in big trouble!" Butters went on. "They already warned me that if I don't wash my hands, a monster will come and rape me and then-"
"Are you fucking kidding me?!" Kyle shouted, completely losing his patience at the thought of Butters' ignorance. He finally grabbed him by the arm and dragged him out the door.
"Wait! I didn't dry my hands!" Butters whimpered. "Oh, jeez!"
Kyle shut the bathroom door and pressed his back against it so that no one else could enter. "Alright," he said, lowering his voice. "Who told you?"
"Told me what, Kyle?" Cartman asked innocently.
"Don't start with me, Cartman! Just tell me how you know," Kyle insisted.
"That's not really important, is it, Jew?" Cartman asked, attempting to put the focus back on Kyle. "What's important here is that I know, and I may or may not keep this secret of yours to myself…"
Kyle's fury built up inside of him. "You wouldn't dare."
"Oh, I would, Kyle," Cartman threatened. "In fact, maybe I'll go tell him right now," he threatened.
"No, dude, please," Kyle begged. "You can't! It'll ruin our friendship completely."
"Oh my God!" Cartman said melodramatically. "Not your precious friendship!"
Kyle stared at the evil son of a bitch. He was at an utter loss of what to do or what to say next. He took a deep breath and hesitated before he spoke again. "Okay, look…what will it take for me to get you to shut up about this?"
As soon as he had finished asking the question, he immediately regretted it, and he watched as Cartman's face lit up.