The Epic T-Rated Contest

The rules are simple:

1. No lemons. Must be rated 'T.'

2. Has to have a line or reference to a cannibal.

3. Has to have a line or reference to a fireman.

4. All canon pairings.

5. Has to be a one-shot, but is allowed to be continued once the contest is finished.

6. Must copy/paste these rules to the top of your submission. Two entries per person. Collaborations acceptable.

7. Must PM either Daddy's Little Cannibal or Bronzehairedgirl620 to alert them of your entry so we can add your story to the C2 if it fits the requirements.

The contest will run until June 6th, 11:59 MST (Mountain Standard Time.) Submissions need to be posted to FF and must follow the rules above. Have fun with it! We look forward to reading your entries. :)


We were getting back from hunting shortly. We'd been gone the entire weekend and it will be nice to get back home, and into my Alice's arms. I missed her, and to make matters worse; Rosalie was missing Emmett and Edward was freaking out because Bella wasn't answering her cell. I had to put up with their emotions and my own.

Seriously Edward, if you don't stop worrying about Bella I'M going to start tearing MY hair out with worry too.

I sent a few calming waves towards him for good measure.

"But she hasn't answered her cell all weekend, Jasper. What if something's happened to her?" Edward was really beginning to get on my last nerve.

"Seriously Edward? She's a vampire now. She's not fragile anymore, stop freaking out. Emmett and Alice are with her. Everything is bound to be ok." I snapped.

Within minutes we were home. Looking up at the blackened shell of what was once our home I couldn't help but start to feel my own worry. Maybe Edward was right, maybe something has happened to them.

"Oh my god!" Rosalie shrieked. "EMMETT CULLEN YOU HAD BETTER HAVE A GOOD EXPLANATION FOR BURNING THE HOUSE DOWN, AGAIN."

Esme looked at Edward questioningly. "No Esme, I can't figure out what happened from his thoughts… He's trying to block me. Every time he slips up I see something to do with cannibalistic chickens. And pyromaniac ducks." He sighed.

I was seriously wondering if vampires can lose their minds. Cannibalistic chickens? Pyromaniac ducks? What the hell is wrong with Emmett's head?

"Alice?" I called, knowing now that nothing had actually happened to any of our family.

"Hey Jazzy." Her musical voice called out to me from the river.

Leaving Carlisle to restrain Esme from hunting Emmett down alongside Rosalie, I headed to the river.

Bella and Alice were sitting on the bank surrounded with the family's prized possessions, such as Carlisle's father's crucifix, and Esme's mother's jewellery. The guilt was rolling off them in waves as I approached.

"Do either of you want to explain why I can feel so much guilt coming off you?" I asked, finding myself echoing Esme's anger from the front yard.

"Or how about explaining why the house is a burned out shell, yet you two sit here with the things that would have been irreplaceable to the family as though you knew it would happen? Alice?" Edward was now beside me, and his earlier worry was replaced by the fury that only comes with knowing they're all ok.

"Where's Emmett?!" Rosalie screeched, not seeing him anywhere nearby.

"Emmett's decided to head to Canada, Rose." Alice offered, trying to be helpful.

"THAT'S IT EMMETT CULLEN." Rosalie yelled so loudly that every one of us winced.

"I wouldn't be surprised if Emmett heard that from Canada." I smirked.

"That was the plan. I'm going to go drag his sorry ass back here." Rosalie took off following what she could catch of his scent through the smoky air.

"Now, Alice. What happened?" I asked, trying to remain calm.

"Emmett did it." Bella said quickly, though I still felt the guilt from her and Alice.

"You both feel guilty as sin. You will tell us what happened, right now." I was starting to seriously get a vampire headache.

"Well…" Alice started. "I got a vision of Emmett buying poultry, live poultry. I have no idea why… But I sent Bella to stop him, because I was in the middle of organising my wardrobe for the spring." Her face fell. "But now it's gone… it's all gone." She sobbed, feeling loss for her clothes.

"Anyway." Bella picked up the story now, looking at Edward who was starting to cool off. "I went to stop Emmett buying enough live chickens and ducks to start a poultry farm, but I got there too late, he'd already had a bunch of them sent off to the house by the time I arrived at the farm he was buying them from."

"While Bella was gone I had another vision, it was of the house burning down, but I couldn't see how it started… I just saw the house in flames and figured I'd get the precious things out of the house just in case." Alice resumed the story telling. "I was so glad I did, or everything would be gone now." She shuddered.

"Ok, so HOW did the fire start?" Esme asked.

"Emmett can answer that." Rosalie announced, dragging him forward by his nostrils.

"Emmett?" We all looked at him.

"Well… you see, you all went hunting… and I was bored. And there was this show on TV about cooking and they were talking about how ducks and chickens taste. And I figured I'd, you know, try it for myself. So I bought five of each and brought them back to the house…" He looked around at all our furious faces. "I didn't bring them INTO the house mom." He whined at Esme.

"Just… finish the story Emmett." Carlisle sighed, rubbing his face.

"I tried two of each and they didn't really taste all that different to each other. Then I… kindadecidedI'dtrytomakeavampirechicken." He spoke so fast that I had trouble making out what he said.

"A vampire chicken?" Edward clarified, incredulity coming off him in waves. "I'm guessing it didn't work then?"

"Actually… It did, but one of the ducks came over while it was changing and started pecking it. Then they BOTH started changing… Once the chicken had changed it started attacking the other chickens, like it was pecking off chunks of them like an effing cannibal." Emmett looked half proud, half disgusted.

"Wait, where were Bella and Alice while this was happening?" I interrupted.

"Bella was moving things outside in case the fire vision happened and Alice was on the phone trying to convince a fireman that the house was going to catch fire soon and that they needed to be here when it does…" Emmett chuckled. "Alice, did you really think they'd actually come before the fire started?"

"Shut up Emmett." Alice crossed her arms and pouted.

"So the vampire chicken attacked the other chickens?" Carlisle prompted.

"Oh, right. THEN the vampire duck started attacking the vampire chickens, and they all ran into the house while they were fighting. I was trying to catch them all and when I did I'd put them into the oven… Well I somehow turned the oven on and they all burst out of it, on fire, while my back was turned. They were running around the house dropping burning feathers everywhere and there was nothing I could do." Emmett finished the story and looked around at everyone's disbelieving faces.

"Bella, Alice? Is that what really happened?" I turned to them, feeling their amusement. The both nodded, hiding smiles.

"Edward?" Please find out what really happened. I looked at him hopefully and he nodded.

"So Edward, what actually happened?" Carlisle asked him after a second.

"Emmett DID try the chickens and ducks, and didn't taste a difference, then he decided to put them in the oven to see if they'd taste any different heated. He forgot about them and the oven exploded, setting the house on fire." Edward snickered, shaking his head at Emmett trying to cook live animals. "And Alice's calling the fire brigade before the fire actually had started made them think it was a hoax and they didn't answer the phone when she called again."

"So, no cannibalistic vampire chickens?" I asked chuckling.

"Nope." Edward said, calmly walking over to Bella and hugging her tightly, forgiveness and love being the main emotions I could feel from him now.

Alice leapt into my arms when I sent a wave of love towards her. Carlisle and Esme walked off hand in hand discussing Emmett's punishment for burning the house down again. And Rosalie smacked Emmett across the back of the head and stalked off with him following her and begging for forgiveness.

"Ahh… this family is seriously insane." I muttered.

"But you wouldn't have it any other way, would you Jazz?" Alice asked rhetorically, kissing my chin.


A/N: I can so see Emmett trying to cook live animals and setting the house of fire doing so.

Review?