Story of My Life - Kids' WB! Style
By Nintendo Maximus
Disclaimer: I don't own "Tiny Toon Adventures", "Animaniacs", "Pinky and the Brain", "Freakazoid!", "Road Rovers", or "Histeria!"; Warner Bros. does. If I did, "Road Rovers" and "Histeria!" would already have DVD sets available, and "Scooby-Doo" wouldn't be hogging their attention.
Author's Note: It's been about a year since Kids' WB! was rebranded as an online network, and I for one am still rather upset at the fact that the site features so much of the Hanna-Barbera cartoons that clearly already have their own channel (Boomerang), but not "Animaniacs" and its kin. Now recently, I've been listening to the songs from "Shrek: The Musical", and I thought the song "Story of My Life" was perfect for the way Warner Bros. is ignoring "Tiny Toons", "Animaniacs", "Histeria!", and the rest in favor of things like "Scooby-Doo" these days! I plan to make a fan music video syncing the song to clips from the cartoons, but until then, I also decided to adapt it to the characters in this songfic here.
Loud Kiddington breathed a sigh of unhappiness. There was no doubt about it; he simply did not like what was going on today.
About a decade ago, he and some of his best friends had been the starring characters on what had to be the best new show to debut on the Kids' WB! programming block in that particular season - "Warner Bros.' Histeria!" Truly, his show, a world's history-themed follow-up to "Tiny Toon Adventures" and "Animaniacs", was one that should've been universally considered one of the greatest cartoons ever. But instead everyone in the block's targeted demographic had instead been wasting their weekend mornings and weekday afternoons with Disney's One Saturday Morning on ABC and its syndicated weekday afternoon counterpart, and those who actually were watching Kids' WB! were watching it for some Japanese imported cartoon based on a video game, and thus they had completely failed to give him and his co-stars the attention they deserved.
Five years after "Histeria!" had aired its last televised rerun, The WB Network, the very channel on which "Histeria!" had premiered, ended its broadcasting entirely and had merged with fellow failing broadcasting network UPN to become The CW. About a year following that, it was announced that Kids' WB!, having managed to survive the network's changeover, was going to sell its broadcasting time to 4Kids Entertainment come May of 2008. Naturally, this upset just about everyone who had grown up with Warner Bros. cartoons, so the company had managed to find a solution to it. Just a month prior to the dreaded day that the CW4Kids replaced it on network television, both The WB and Kids' WB! were relaunched as online networks, and it seemed like the fans of the shows featured on the old network would have a new place to go when they wanted to watch the shows.
Or, in the case of Loud and his friends, maybe not.
The new Kids' WB! site was housing the company's staple cartoons, the "Looney Tunes", as well as their direct television spin-offs "The Sylvester and Tweety Mysteries" and "Duck Dodgers", plus "Mucha Lucha!" and the cartoons they'd made based on the DC Comics properties, and also the large amount of Hanna-Barbera's animation library that they had acquired as a result of merging with Turner Entertainment. The problem with the new Kids' WB! was what it wasn't showing - "Histeria!" and its predecessors.
Loud had never really minded the fact that he had to share stock in the company with the Hanna-Barbera cartoon stars. But the thing he didn't like about it was the fact that Warner Bros. was giving better treatment to these acquired workers than to their own creations. Especially "Scooby-Doo". Ever since they had done a live-action film based on Scooby's misadventures and started making their own cartoons starring him, it seemed like he and the stars of the 1990s Warner Bros. comedy cartoons had ceased to exist.
And now, the business affair that was going on right now, was pretty much the biggest offense of all.
Since Warner Bros. didn't want them on the new Kids' WB! website, the characters who had starred on "Tiny Toon Adventures", "Animaniacs", "Pinky and the Brain", "Freakazoid!", "Road Rovers", and "Histeria!" were now all being forcibly relocated to a swamp far from the outskirts of Burbank. And fittingly enough, it was Scooby-Doo's sometimes-jerky co-star, Fred "Freddy" Jones, who was bringing them out there.
"Right this way!" he called out to the crew of characters behind him, waving his arm in the direction he was taking them in. "Don't mind the mud; you'll get used to it."
"AUUGH!!" Loud yelled once he saw the swampland in front of him. "THIS PLACE IS A DUMP!"
"My little buddy Loud is right, dude!" Toast pointed an accusing finger at Freddy. "It's negatory maximus around here!"
"I dunno," Plucky Duck muttered. "I think this is the kind of territory I'd be used to. Well, aside from the fact that it's slimier than my agent."
Colleen of the Road Rovers spoke up in her British accent. "Yes, I'll have you know that this is not good real estate."
"The only kind of crime I could fight out here would be the pesky mosquitoes who'd be coming out to sting us! Darn the luck, darn it!!" The Huntsman tried to stomp his foot in the ground repeatedly, but got it stuck pulling it out.
Montana Max waved a wad of hundred-dollar bills under Freddy's nose. "Y'know, I've got five hundred bucks here that I might be willing to part with if you'd let us go."
"Sorry, Richie," Freddy got the kid's name wrong. "I don't take bribes."
Max fumed at that response. "Why you rassafrassin' personality-deprived jerkface! If we get outta this mess, I'll sue!! I'll sue you so badly you won't be able to make another movie again!"
"And I certainly don't take threats either." Freddy made a stern face.
"I can't believe they don't want us on the new Kids' WB!" Yakko Warner griped. "My show was the very reason the original Kids' WB! even came into existence in the first place! This banishment is completely unacceptable! And that's not to say that any other form of banishment would be acceptable either."
Freddy looked at the cluster of eccentric creatures before him. "Look, you fellas all read Sander Schwartz's decree..."
"Yeah, yeah, we all read it!" Yakko answered, and then mockingly recited the decree in question. "All characters from 'Tiny Toon Adventures', 'Animaniacs', 'Pinky and the Brain', 'Freakazoid!', 'Road Rovers', and 'Histeria!' have been banished from the Kids' WB! online network. All characters from the aforementioned shows will be sent to a resettlement facility."
"Some resettlement facility this is!" Pule Houser whined. "It's all damp and disgusting and ewww! I am so telling on that big meanie who made that order and sent us to this hellhole!"
"What a hack that Schwartz character is!" Slappy Squirrel added. "Hasn't he ever heard of a little thing called 'retirement condos'?"
Blitz, the German Doberman member of the Road Rovers, waved his hand in front of his nose. "Eet smells like butt around here!" he muttered in his German accent. "And believe me, I should know."
Freddy blew a whistle, startling everybody. "All right! When I call your name, step forward. Loud Kiddington and his obnoxious dog."
"HEY, I TAKE UMBRAGE AT THAT, SIR!!" Loud yelled in his face. "MY DOG FETCH IS A LOT LESS OBNOXIOUS THAN THAT MIDGET PUPPY YOU USED TO HANG OUT WITH!" Then, upon noticing that his yelling had blown Freddy's hair back and made it look like he had a really silly hairdo, he giggled to himself.
Freddy slicked his hair back into its original position. "That's your patch of mud over there."
Loud walked over to the patch of mud in question, with his dog Fetch right beside him. As Freddy continued to call out for each of the other characters to step forward, Loud set his suitcase down on the hard part of the ground by the mud and sat on the trunk dejectedly. "Aw, dumped in a swamp," he muttered. "Man, I tell ya, Fetch, this being excluded from Kids' WB! really sucks balls!"
"Did you have to say 'balls'?" Fetch asked, and then noticed his owner was staring skyward. He knew what that meant - Loud was going to sing.
"Life," Loud crooned,"is disappointing.
Woe is how I feel!
They claimed my show blows,
That's just how it goes,
For my poor dog and me.
"Story of my life!
Always doomed to fail.
Replaced by 'Pokmon',
Unable to prevail.
That's the story of my life, oh yeah!
That's the story of my life!"
Close behind, Freddy continued to call out the characters' names. "Yakko, Wakko and Dot, take your spot over there by that tree."
Yakko and his siblings, Wakko and Dot, ran for the tree being pointed at and climbed all the way to the top of it. "How's this?" Wakko called from up there.
"No, that's too far!" Freddy called up at them.
The Warner Brothers and their sister immediately scurried down the tree and clinged themselves on to Freddy, with Dot sitting on his right shoulder. "Are you sure about that?" she asked seductively.
Freddy grimaced. "Now you're too close."
The trio headed right back to the tree and sat down at the root of it.
"Ah, just right!" Freddy smiled.
"Fine," said Yakko, "but we'd still prefer to live in the tree."
Charity Bazaar, Loud's girlfriend, walked over to where her boyfriend was and sat down beside him on his suitcase, joining in on his song. "I am so not happy."
"The Road Rovers!" Freddy yelled out.
Hunter, the Rovers' leader, stepped out in front of his teammates and got down on one foot. "Banished from the lot!"
"Plucky Duck!" Freddy booted the green duck in.
Plucky begrudgingly walked into the wetland, rubbing his posterior. "They dragged me out with scorn."
Miss Information held up what remained of her loudspeaker. "They broke my poor bullhorn."
Pinky and the Brain popped out of hiding from Miss Info's broken loudspeaker. "They threw our lab cage out!"
"Vanity White!" Freddy called out.
Snooty blonde Vanity White walked by him. "Life," she sang,"is such a witch-hunt."
Dot got up and stood in front of her brothers. "They used to know I'm cute,
But now I got the boot."
"They ridiculed my hat." Wakko pulled down on his headgear.
"They said that I was fat!" Froggo pouted.
Freakazoid drove his palm across his upper brow. "They towed away the Freakmobile
And called me a freaky blue-skinned heel!"
"Mary Melody!" As Freddy kept calling the Warner Bros. cartoon characters into the swamp, they all joined together to sing the song that Loud had started.
"Story of my life!
Booted from the block!
Told to go away!"
"Blast and darn the luck!" the Huntsman cursed in rhythm.
"That's the story of my life!"
As they continued with the song, Buster Bunny came running up behind them, looking rather panicked. Freddy looked down at him. "You're late, Buster!"
Buster shrugged. "That's the story of my life."
Freddy shoved the blue rabbit in with the rest of the cast. "Have fun, you guys!"
"That's the story of my liiiiife!" they all sang.
"And remember," Freddy reprimanded, "if we find you back on Kids' WB!, you will be erased! Hahahahahaha!" He laughed heartlessly as he headed back to the vehicle he had brought them in.
As soon as Freddy had left the scene, the crowd of Warner Bros. cartoon characters all gathered up in a long chorus line and sang in unison: "I always dreamed I'd get a happy ending..."
Charity sang out another solo line, her hand on her heart and her other arm around Loud's neck. "And this right here's not how it goes!"
"I always dreamed I'd get an ever after." The whole lot of them crooned.
"If this is it,
"This is worse than that time Joseph Stalin tried to send me to the gulag!" Loud shouted out amongst everyone.
They all started dancing as they continued with the song. "Story of my life!
All the wasted prayers!
All the broken dreams!"
Yakko, Wakko and Dot jumped out of the large group and stood in a different spot from the rest of them. "All the torn-out hairs!"
"All the damage done!" sang the rest of the group.
"All the madcap jests!" the Warner siblings sang.
"All the shattered falls!" everyone else sang.
"And our tower's repossessed!" the Warners lamented the current condition of their former living quarters.
The whole cast then regrouped to form a chorus line again."That's the story of my life, yes sir!
That's the story of my life, oy vey!
That's the story of my..."
And as they let the last few notes of the song play, most of the whole lot of them took a few steps back and came together to make their own finishing poses as they belted out the last word of the song.
As everyone else was delivering the big finish to this musical number, Loud looked down as Charity sorrowfully buried her head on his shoulder, and he decided to further express his discontent for this situation by shouting out one more word that he knew was fitting to describe it.
And that, folks, is what I have to make of the fact that Warner Bros. doesn't want these shows on the new Kids' WB! website. If anyone else here agrees with me that it's wrong that they're not treating "Animaniacs" and its kin with respect, you can say so in your reviews.