Field Day in the Citadel

Morton Koopa Jr. hadn't slept so well in years. In the several years of his life where he wasted his days spending time inside of one of his siblings' rooms, he never got a good night's rest. He would always wake up with a fist to the face from Roy, the burning stench of fabric from a chemical experiment gone wrong Iggy concocted, coughing from Wendy powdering her face too much in the morning, a pie to the face from Lemmy, the falsetto notes escaping Ludwig's vocal cords, or the sound of Larry balancing himself on a large rubber ball while he juggled and whistled carousel music. He couldn't even sleep in Junior's room or his father's without being chastised or "punished" because of it. When Morton tried to sleep in Junior's room, the adolescent koopaling greeted him with his fire breath and bob-ombs launched from sling-shots. The second time he tried, a mouse trap went off on his fat nostrils. With no other option, Morton resorted to sneaking into his father's chamber and sleeping with him. It wasn't all that bad actually; his bed was big and comfortable. Perhaps if Bowser hadn't eaten a twenty bean casserole for dinner with a side of rotten eggs, he would've managed to stay inside the whole night, instead of rushing out on the verge of vomiting. After that, Morton just bunked with Iggy. He did think of trying to sleep with his father again, but he knew his father had a diet that was rife with fiber. Whether or not Bowser ate a bean casserole before bed wouldn't change the overall result. There was nothing Morton could do…expect try to force Iggy to invent a potion that eliminated his olfaction at night.

Anyway, Morton was busy lying on his belly with his shell off. He had arousing female koopas all around him giggling or massaging Morton in various areas. Some were removing the knots from his neck, others were moving their hands down his spine, some were pressing their fingers on his soles, and he even felt a couple of hands pinch his buttocks, which made him laugh malicious and purr with a sly grin on his face. Suddenly, one of the massagers walked over to Morton, wearing nothing but a thong and a bra that looked like it was on verge of bursting and exposing her goodies. She bent over and started to lick Morton all over the face. Morton continued to moan ecstatically and sigh with relief as her soggy wet tongue moved around his face. No matter how arbitrary, the koopaling seemed to enjoy it. And it would only continue for as long as he imagined…

Morton was giggling and sighing in his bed, tossing and turning as the wet sensation continued to move all around his face. Lick after lick after lick, slobber would get onto Morton's face. Guilmon crawled out of Iggy's bed and his curious mind brought him to the other turtle creature resting in bed. Why Guilmon started licking Morton, he didn't know why, but his face had a tangy aftertaste. After Guilmon licked Morton on his closed left eyelid, he slowly opened his eyes and noticed a large, magnified wet nose less than an inch away from his face. Guilmon smiled widely and waved to Morton.

"Hi!!" he said, cheerfully.

Morton promptly screamed at the top of his lungs and plunged out of bed with a loud thud, leaving Guilmon confused. Iggy heard the noise and sat upright as well.

"Morton what—"

Iggy noticed that Guilmon wasn't coddling him anymore, and was standing on top of Morton's bed sheets. It didn't take a rocket scientist—or a mad one in this case—for Iggy to figure out what happened. He quickly rushed over to his brother, who was sitting on the floor breathing erratically with his chest puffing in and out like a frog croaking.

"What the hell is that?!?!"


"I'm Guilmon!" he interrupted, playfully.

"Whatever a Guilmon is, it started licking my face in the middle of the night! And it looks like a dinosaur—have you been experimenting with DNA reconstruction again?"

"No, he told me he came from some place called the DigiWorld. You ever hear of that show Digimon?"

"That rip-off version of Pokémon?"

"It's not a rip-off! And yes, that show. Apparently he came from there. Guess he got sucked into some black hole and stumbled into an alternate dimension."

"You do realize I'm gonna have to tell dad about this right?" asked Morton, smiling widely.

"Um guys? I have to go to the bathroom…"

"Not now Guilmon!" shouted Iggy.

Guilmon groaned and hopped off the bed, scurrying around the room and vigorously sniffing the floor and walls.

"You're not telling dad about any of this!"

"Oh yeah? Well why not? You know damn well dad doesn't let us have pets anymore. Not after you created that giant sludge monster that dirtied up the castle with its muck."

"Because if you tell dad, I'll tell him that you were the one who chucked a Frisbee at his head while you were sleeping!"

"Then I'll tell dad you were the one who 'involuntarily' peed all over the sofa."

"Then I'll tell dad you were the one who broke his priceless statue of himself!"

"Then I'll tell dad you were the one who stole ten moneybags from his retirement fund!"

"Then I'll tell dad you were the one who put laxatives in his food and locked all the bathroom doors so he was forced to poop in the kitchen sink!"

"Then I'll tell dad you were the one who blew up his priceless Koopa Clown Car!"

"That was Lemmy and you know it!!"

"I can still blame you for it."


Iggy stammered for a moment before he thought of the greatest source of blackmail he could use on his chatty brother.

"If you tell dad about Guilmon, I'll tell dad you took a photo of him when he was naked and drunk and then posted the photo on Facebook for the whole world to see!"

Morton gasped excitedly. "But he already knows about that! Surely he gets on Facebook—"

"Morton, think about it: dad is too stupid to get online. I had to show him how to turn on a laptop. A LAPTOP!!" said Iggy, with emphasis.

"Well uh…if you tell him I did that, he'll know you knew about it beforehand and didn't tell him before because you were too busy spreading the photo around to other people and laughing at him as well, so you'll get in trouble too!"

"No I won't, because I'll tell dad that I didn't even know what you did until I saw the photo late last night and I didn't tell dad because he was sleeping and I didn't want to bother him! So not only do I nail your ass to the wall, I'll get points for being sympathetic! So ha!"

Morton tried to think of a comeback, but there was absolutely nothing else he could say to blackmail Iggy. There honestly wasn't anything bigger than that that Iggy did. If only he was arguing with Lemmy, then maybe he could blackmail him by saying he was the one who hosed Bowser's room down with the contents from the septic tank. Morton growled gutturally and gritted his teeth.

"I HATE YOU." he snarled, not opening his mouth.

It wasn't until Iggy heard loud trickling and Guilmon sigh with relief and have a musky smell enter his nose that he turned around to look at Guilmon, who was busy peeing on a dresser with his right leg raised at an angle.


Iggy rushed over to the dinosaur and put his leg down, guiding him away from the puddle of urine.

"You do not go pee-pee in the house!"

"But I had to use the bathroom!!" whined Guilmon.

"Then why didn't you go to the bathroom in there?!" shouted Iggy, pointing to a door.

Guilmon noticed there was a door near the window in Iggy's room that led into the bathroom. Guilmon scratched the back of his head and laughed meekly with his eyes shut.

"My bad."

"I'm not cleaning that up."

"You want the room to reek of Digimon urine?" asked Iggy.

"No, but I can just blame you for it if dad finds out. And, I have evidence to prove you did it!"

"The minute dad does a urine sample he's gonna realize I wasn't the one who peed there."

"Dad's stupid, remember? You told me yourself he doesn't even know how to start a laptop. You really think he has time to find out whose DNA is in that urine?"

Guilmon sighed heavily when he witnessed the two siblings bickering with each other and sat down on the floor, bored. Despite everything, Guilmon was bored, and he didn't know what to do at the moment. There wasn't any other Digimon he could play with, and since Iggy was currently occupied, he had nothing to do. At least, not until he held his head high and the smell of food delved into his mind.

"Mmm, food!!" he said happily.

One of the koopalings was busy making breakfast and the smell was making Guilmon's mouth water profusely. Guilmon used his nose as a guide and walked over to the entrance of the room, slowly grabbing the door handle and turning it sideways. He glared at Morton and Iggy one last time before crawling out of the room and entering the corridor of the castle.

"Bottom line Morton: no one can find out that Guilmon is in here. Not Wendy, not Lemmy, not Larry—"

"What about pops?"

"Especially not dad! And don't say anything to Roy or Ludwig either!"

"Why not? Roy would love to wrestle with this guy!"

"That's the point! I don't wanna Roy hurting him! And Ludwig is smart enough to figure out what goes on in this castle just by hinting something at him!"

"Why do you even want to keep Guilmon?"

"Because…you know how I have ideas about taking over the Mushroom Kingdom by creating a new species by combining their DNA together?"

"You want to use Guilmon as a lab rat?"

"Not exactly. I just want his DNA for experimenting, that's all."

"That's gonna be difficult."


"Your pet's gone."

Iggy turned around and noticed that Guilmon was gone and the door to their room was ajar.

"Son of a bitch. Morton didn't you lock the door before we went to bed?!"


"We gotta go find Guilmon before anyone else finds out about him."

"But I wanna see dad yell at you."

"Remember the Facebook photo?"

"You're right, let's go find him."

Larry was in the kitchen fixing himself something to eat, a sandwich with different types of deli meat he had baked in the oven. All of the meat was finished and Larry was slapping several pieces of it onto a slice of wheat bread, his mouth watering so much it began to drip down onto his chest. Larry slapped the top slice of bread onto the meat and grabbed the sandwich. He licked his lips and opened his mouth, just when he realized he forgot something important. Larry snapped his fingers and said, "Mustard." before running back to the fridge and sifting through the nourishments. While inside, Guilmon made his way to the kitchen and found the sandwich lying on the plate, succulent and full of protein. The dinosaur growled softly before he lowered his head and sniffed the sandwich. Loving both the smell of meat and wheat, Guilmon grabbed the sandwich and took a giant bite out of it, chewing on the sandwich quietly and growling to himself.

"Hey, who's back there?" asked Larry, his head still inside.

But Guilmon ignored him and continued to eat the sandwich. In only three bites, the sandwich had been reduced to nothing but a small piece of bread with a piece of meat sticking out of it. However, he was still hungry, and the smell was still going on through Guilmon's nose. Guilmon turned around and looked at the stove, seeing a giant pot full of mysterious brew.


Guilmon lowered his head and sniffed the contents a few times before recoiling and plugging his nose. Whatever the smell was, this wasn't it. Guilmon looked inside to see what it was, but it looked like a normal batch of tomato juice, except it was more orange than red. Regardless, Guilmon couldn't put his mind to rest, so he stuck his head inside and started lapping up the stew, collecting the juices with his tongue like a dog licking water. Larry would've heard him, but one of the shelves in the fridge abruptly collapsed and landed on his head, making him swear out loud and jolt his body around. Guilmon heard the commotion and, thinking he was in trouble, took one final big slurp of the stew before running away. Coincidentally, Lemmy smelled the deli meat and ran downstairs to get some breakfast before the rest of the koopalings ravenously scarfed whatever they could find. He found Lemmy's sandwich pretty much gone, but there was still a few bites of it left and Lemmy wanted his fill. He grabbed the sandwich and started to chew on it. Not a moment later, Larry turned around, with milk, eggshell, and crushed blueberries on his head, and saw Lemmy eating the sandwich.


Lemmy looked at Larry with his cheeks bulging and his eyes wide before looking at the sandwich. He looked back at an aggravated Larry before swallowing hard and looking at the sandwich.

"Uh…it was in my mouth when I got here."

Guilmon started exploring the castle some more, browsing around chamber-by-chamber to see if he could find something worth while. The dinosaur stumbled upon Wendy's room, but he saw nothing appealing in there. She was just chatting on her cellphone and pampering herself like always, setting traps around her room to prevent her brothers from snooping through her private belongings. He thought about walking inside, but he saw her place an exceedingly large trap that would painfully electrocuted anyone who stepped on it. Guilmon didn't want to get fried, so he quickly rushed past her room before she spotted him in the hallway. Next up was the bathroom. From what Guilmon heard, it was occupied; nothing he wanted to see in there. It wasn't until Guilmon smelled meat again that he realized what he was heading for more food. At least, he thought it was. Guilmon peeked inside of a room and saw racks upon racks of lamb meat, some raw and others cooked. Just then, he heard loud grunts and squishes and saw Roy, punching a large slab of raw meat like it was a heavy punching bag. Nevertheless, the room was full of food, so he quietly went inside. Guilmon turned to his right and found Roy's stash of cooked meat. He laughed with glee and rushed inside, going to town on all the meat.

"Okay, if I were a creature from an alternate dimension, where would I go?"

"To find food. It's breakfast time right now ain't it?" asked Morton.

"Breakfast, of course! And Larry fixes his deli sandwiches around this time of day too!"

Morton and Iggy ran down a set of stairs and found Larry drowning his brother Lemmy with two cans of squirt-able whipped cream.

"He eat your sandwich again?" asked Morton.

"What do you think?!!?" shouted Larry.

Morton and Iggy walked over to the counter next to the fridge and looked down at the plate, which had a large concentration of dribble next to it.

"When did Lemmy start drooling?"

"That's not the point; when did Lemmy start drooling on the counter?" asked Iggy.

"Why would that matter?"

"Remember how angry dad got because someone spilled lemonade on the counter after he had his koopatrols re-paint the whole thing?"


"He told us specifically not to get any liquids on the counter, at least not without cleaning it up. And no one's opened that new pack of paper towels so…"

"It was Guilmon."


"Well, if he's not here now, then where could he be?"

"Roy does have a stash of meat he keeps around for eating and punching at."

Morton slapped his forehead. "Obviously, of course he's in his room!"

"We gotta go up there before Roy decides to use Guilmon as a punching bag!"

It didn't take long for Roy to sense a disturbance in his room. As he was punching the slabs of meat, he heard loud sucking from a distance followed by loud slurping and a hiccup. Guilmon was busy gnawing his way on the hunks of meat, chewing voraciously through the tender lamb meat before Roy started to investigate.

"What the hell is that?"

Guilmon was unsure of what he heard, but the voice was gruff and scared him. Guilmon stopped eating the meat and backed away to go hide behind a couple of stacks of meat. Roy walked inside the closet of meat and began to check behind all the corners of meat before he found a thick, smooth tail resting on the ground. Roy smiled deviously, imagining what he could do to the intruder. Perhaps he could torture the creature by dipping it into a vat of acid. Perhaps he could use it as a punching bag. Perhaps he could strap the creature to the wall and throw knives at it, missing him on purpose just to scare it. There were all kinds of sadistic practices he could perform with the creature. Now all he had to do…was capture it.

"I wonder how long it'll take before this thing screams from me twisting its nipples…"

Guilmon, despite his adolescent attitude, knew how to defend himself when the time came to it. He found that his head was particularly hard and useful it certain situations, like this one for a change. Before Roy could even identify Guilmon, he wiped his head around and rammed into his throat using the top of his head. Roy fell backwards and his vision was blurred and he became woozy, but he managed to make out some creature hop over his body and run out the closet just before he blacked out. Guilmon started panting to get away from the buff koopaling and he entered the corridor yet again, looking for some more stuff to do. He no longer desired to eat anymore, not with all the meat resting in his gut. There had to be something active in the castle that wouldn't kill him in the process. He wouldn't mind playing with Roy at all, but what he said was enough to scare the crap outta him so he just had to get out of his room.

And that's when Guilmon saw a giant room full of spiked shells. At least twelve, maybe even sixteen shells, all of which were either side-by-side or close together. Guilmon smiled widely and giggled, walking inside and shutting the big metal door that was left ajar. He then looked at the shells and smiled playfully, wagging his tail like a puppy waiting for its master to come home. Guilmon turned around and shook his tail, slowly caressing one of the spiked shells with ease. Then, he jerked his tail to the left and shouted, "BATTER UP!!" before whacking the shell like a golf ball of baseball or tennis ball. The shell slid across the sleek, squeaky floor and made contact with another spiked shell. The resulting momentum caused the other shell to glide along the sleek for as well, and it bounced off the wall, coming into contact with two more shells resting beside each other. Pretty soon, every single spiked shell in the room was busy slamming into each other back and forth like a game of pinball. All Guilmon needed now was the comical dinging noise. Everytime one of the shells got closer to Guilmon, he merely whipped his body around and whacked his tail at it. He started laughing and whooping with excitement with the game he created. If only he could think of a good name for it, "Whack-Shell" maybe or some sort of name with a ring to it. Guilmon should be calling it "Whack-Koopatrol" because all these shells were the shells of those worn by Bowser's elite patrol koopas. This was their sleeping chamber, big emphasis on was. One of the koopatrol stuck his head out of his shell as he was gliding and noticed he was headed right for a shell bigger than his head.


He was out cold before he could even finish. However, the loud outburst instantly woke up the other fifteen resting koopas. And they were all gasping loudly when they looked ahead and knew they were about to slam into something…hard.

"Maybe he left a set of tracks for us."

"Yeah, it's real easy to leave Guilmon paw-prints on a metal and stone floor Morton."

"It could happen!"

Morton and Iggy heard loud swearing and groaning from afar and quickly rushed over to Roy's room, entering his closet full of meat and finding him lying on the ground, holding his throat and coughing.

"What happened to you? Did dad catch you ransacking his dresser again?"

"No dad didn't catch me ransacking his closet!" roared Roy.

The muscle-bound koopaling coughed twice before he started rolling around, trying to get off his shell.

"One of your experiments—COUGH!—socked me in the throat, knocked me over! What monster did you create this time Iggy?!"

"How do you know you didn't punch a slab of meat so hard it swung forward and came back and whacked you in the face?"

"Because slabs of meat don't run over me Iggy!"

"Perhaps it was another bob-omb that blew a fuse. Piss any of them off lately?"

"What bob-ombs don't I piss off?"

"Exactly, see? It was just a bob-omb," said Iggy, walking backwards.

"Where you goin'?!!? I'm still stuck down here!!"

"I know; I just realized I left the hot plate on and I'm busy boiling acid and if I don't turn it off it's gonna explode and dissolve the room so I'm gonna run away and shut it off before it blows and dad yells at me for it corroding through the walls."

Iggy realized he hadn't taken a breath through the whole sentence, and he inhaled sharply.

"See ya!!" he shouted, running out of Roy's room with Morton.


Meanwhile, Guilmon was busy having fun with his new game, despite the fact many of the koopas had cracked their skulls together. He wasn't paying attention to the sounds of them shouting out in pain and simply thought they were shouting with joy. Even though some of the koopatrols were bleeding, he just continued whacking their shells, laughing with glee. But as always, games tend to have a small flaw. Guilmon wasn't suspended on anything and was in the line of fire and with sixteen spiked shells buzzing around, one of them was bound to hit him. One of them did, right in his gut. After he was hit, Guilmon instantaneously stopped laughing and bent over after exhaling loudly. He put his hands around his stomach and fell to his knees, groaning loudly and coughing. Sixteen koopatrols and an interdimensional creature were busy groaning loudly, holding their bleeding, puffy scalps or clutching their abdomen in pain. Guilmon wasn't having any fun anymore and he slowly got off the floor and walked outside into the corridor again. He was taking very slow steps down the hallway and was having trouble breathing. Suddenly, all the pain he had around his body was rushed down to his rectum. Guilmon stopped walking and his knees began to shake. He started thinking about all the meat he ate, all the lamb coursing through his bowels, all the "buildup" that was happening. Before he even had time to stop himself, Guilmon raised his tail and squatted.

"Come on, this can't be too hard to figure out!"

"It's not. Guilmon's right over there."

"Stop kidding around Mor…"

Iggy looked off in the distance and saw Guilmon emerging from around the corner of a corridor, sighing heavily with a relieved look on his face.



Thinking he was in trouble, Guilmon jerked his body around and started to run in the other direction.

"Guilmon come back here!"

As Iggy sprinted around the corner and started running after the fleeing Guilmon, he heard a loud squish. Iggy looked down and realized he stepped in something that was warm and moist. It looked like mud…and smelled like organic fertilizer.

It wasn't mud.

It wasn't organic fertilizer.