The Knights Of Ni Handbook for the Squires of Ni

Disclaimer: I do not own the Knights of Ni or the dialogue below.

Introduction

Welcome squires of the knights of Ni! Thank you for choosing Ni over the other word-terrifying knight groups. We are sure that you chose wisely. Remember, we are not responsible for broken or missing body parts. Nor do we offer insurance benefits. Please advance to the nearest armorer to collect your swords that will rarely be used.

Our word-based operations come directly from Indianapolis, Indiana. However, should you be out of reach (say, Camelot's forest) we will give you to the shrubberist as a slave, but a slave who makes us shrubberies. Isn't that better!

History

The Knights of Ni have been torturing the people of England with their words for as long as anyone can remember. They have turned out generations of fine word-torturers. Thirty-some years ago, the finest of the Nis starred in the movie, "Monty Python and the Knights of Ni". The title didn't catch on, so the movie is now known as "Monty Python and the Holy Grail".

Requirements

You must love shrubberies

Do not be afraid to say the word ni

You cannot say "the word" OOOO! The word!

Do not socialize with the knights who were formally Ni

Be familiar with the segment of history on the following page

History of Ni

This is a segment of the conversation between King Arthur and the Knights of Ni. Study the segment always.

ARTHUR: Oh, Knights of Ni, here is your shrubbery. May we go now?

TALL KNIGHT: That is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly - But there is one small problem.

ARTHUR: What is that?

TALL KNIGHT: We are now no longer the Knights Who Say Ni!

ONE KNIGHT: Ni!

OTHERS: Sh!

ONE KNIGHT (whispers): Sorry.

TALL KNIGHT: We are now the Knights Who Go Neeeow ... wum ... ping!

OTHERS: Ni!

OTHERS: Ni!

ONE KNIGHT: Peng!

OTHERS: Ni!

OTHERS: Sh! Sh!

TALL KNIGHT: Therefore ... we are no longer contractually bound by any agreements previously entered into by the Knights Who Say Ni!

ONE KNIGHT: Ni!

ANOTHER: Peng!

ANOTHER: Sh!

TALL KNIGHT: Shut up!

TALL KNIGHT (to ARTHUR): Therefore, we must give you a test, a Test to satisfy the Knights who say Neeeow ... wum ... ping!

OTHERS (terrific chorus): Neeeow ... wum ... ping!

ARTHUR: What is this test, Knights of N... (can't say it) ... Recently Knights of Ni!

KNIGHT: Ni!

TALL KNIGHT: Firstly. You must get us another shrubbery!

OTHER KNIGHTS (half seen): More shrubberies! More shrubberies for the ex-Knights of Ni!

ARTHUR: Not another shrubbery -

TALL KNIGHT: When you have found the shrubbery, place the shrubbery here, beside this shrubbery ... only slightly higher, so you get a two-level effect with a path through the middle.

OTHER KNIGHTS: A path! A little path for the late Knights of Ni!

Chorus of "Ni! Ni!"

TALL KNIGHT: When you have found the shrubbery, then you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest ... with a herring.

OTHER KNIGHTS: Yes! With a herring! With a herring! Cut down with a herring!

ARTHUR: We shall do no such thing ... let us pass!

TALL KNIGHT: Oh, please!

ARTHUR: Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done!

OTHER KNIGHTS (they all recoil in horror): Oh!

TALL KNIGHT: Don't say that word.

ARTHUR: What word?

TALL KNIGHT: I cannot tell you. Suffice to say is one of the words the Knights of Ni! cannot hear!

ARTHUR: How can we not say the word, if you don't tell us what it is?

TALL KNIGHT (cringing in fear): You said it again!

ARTHUR: What, "is"?

TALL KNIGHT (dismissively): No, no ... not "is"!

OTHER KNIGHTS: Not "is"! Not "is"!

Suddenly singing is heard from deep in the forest.

SIR ROBIN'S SINGERS: Bravely good Sir Robin was not at all afraid to have his eyeballs skewered ...

TALL KNIGHT (irritated): "Is" is all right ... You wouldn't get far not saying "Is"!

BEDEVERE: My liege, it's Sir Robin!

TALL KNIGHT (covering his ears): You've said the word again!

SIR ROBIN and his SINGERS appear in the clearing. The SINGERS are going on cheerfully as usual and ROBIN walks in front of them, continually embarrassed at their presence.

SINGERS: ... and his kidneys burnt and his nipples skewered off ...

ROBIN holds his hand up for silence.

ARTHUR: Sir Robin!

He shakes his hand warmly.

ROBIN: My liege! It's good to have found you again ...

TALL KNIGHT: Now he's said the word!

ARTHUR: Where are you going good Sir Robin?

ROBIN'S SINGERS (starting up again): He was going home ... he was giving up, He was throwing in the sponge.

ROBIN (to SINGERS): Shut up! (to ARTHUR) No ... er ... no ... I ... er ... I ... er ... I certainly wasn't giving up ... I was actually looking for the grail ... er thing ... in this forest.

ARTHUR: No ... it lies beyond this forest.

TALL KNIGHT: Stop saying the word!

OTHER KNIGHTS: Stop saying the word! The word we cannot hear! The word ...

ARTHUR (losing his patience with the fearful KNIGHTS OF "NI"): Oh, stop it!

Terrific confusion amongst the KNIGHTS OF "NI", they roll on the ground covering their ears. The TALL KNIGHT remains standing trying to control his MEN.

OTHER KNIGHTS: They're all saying the word ...

TALL KNIGHT: Stop saying it. AAAArghh! ... I've said it ...

OTHER KNIGHTS: You've said it! Aaaaarghhh! ... We've said it ... We're all saying it.

ARTHUR beckons to BEDEVERE and ROBIN and they pick their way through the helpless KNIGHTS OF "NI" and away into the forest.

Rules

Do not say ti backwards

Be nice to shrubberies

Payment is always a shrubbery commemorating another shrubbery

Do not socialize with the knights who were formally Ni

Do not eat snicker doodle pie

Only cut down trees with herrings

Honor the shrubbery

Trade only with Camelot and certified shrubberists